The Return of the Fly

by Gabriel Grossman

Since November, the Republicans have been hard at work to find the perfect strategy for bringing down the Democratic Machine which they see rebuilding in front of their very eyes. First there was Cheney: his incessant and point-by-point contradictions of the president made no mark. Karl Rove’s old tactics just wouldn’t cut it—they needed something new, something deft, something so brilliantly simple that they’d take down the White House from the inside out. What they came up with may shock you: they have transposed Dick Cheney’s verbal pandering onto the simple house fly.

You may have, in the past few days, come across a video of the president’s massacre of a fly while in an interview with CNBC. In case you haven’t, voila:

What you do not know is the nefarious scheming that went behind this action. National Lampoon has obtained a recent memo of the Republican National Committee. In it, the RNC details a divisive and devious plot to undercut Obama’s liberal support. The main ploy: the fly.

This was no ordinary fly you saw in that video: no, it was an operative of the Republicans, shrunk down to 1/100th of an inch with the help of Rick Moranis, placed in a nanorobot made to look like the size of a fly. Michael Steele’s frontin’—the budget of the RNC has been placed almost entirely in these little fly machines, built to pester the president.

But that is not the main purpose of the fly: no, it goes much deeper than that. This morning, PETA sent a complaint to the president, stating their wish that he had not annihilated the beast with his cat-like reflexes. By killing that fly, Obama undercut his authority with a section of his liberal base. He’s stepped onto a slippery slope, from which he will not be able to recover.

You may be asking yourselves, what is the point? Surely no one else will care. But no: it has been arranged for the fly to make appearances at certain Obama administration events. If Obama makes an appearance at a church—the fly will be there for Obama to swat. This time, it won’t be so easy: he may miss his mark, slap the preacher in the face, and BAM! Fox News talking points for two weeks. Obama’s picking up lunch at a burger joint, fly shows up. He goes in for the kill, misses his mark, and slaps a worker in the face.

The Republicans assume, of course, that Obama will miss his mark. Maybe they should have considered humiliating Joe Biden, if that’s even possible