The Most Awesome Movie You’ve Never Seen: THUNDERPANTS

by Thane Economou

Thunderpants is about a boy who uses his superhuman farting abilities to go into space. And this movie is awesome.

But don’t take my word for it. Director Peter Hewitt won a “Lucas” from the International Festival of Films for Children and Young People (Children’s Section). And that’s gotta be something, right?

And listen to the actual rave reviews I found on the IMDB.com message boards:

DanWilkiee777 said: I don’t see why some of you refuse to even watch it. OPEN YOUR MINDS! It’s not just about farting. It’s emotional and funny on many levels.

DicountDom said: loved the colour scheme too, a kind of diet jeunet et caro

StainesRobertson said: GREAT FUN but too complex

This English movie begins with a mother giving birth. Then the baby farts its way out of the womb. The doctor rushes and catches the launched baby, which looks a lot like a cheap doll. When taking the family photo, the baby farts again.

As a child, Patrick Smash farts constantly, knocking over bookcases and injuring his father in the process. In fact, he farts so much, his father leaves. I repeat, his farts cause his father to abandon the family. And his mother becomes an alcoholic.

At school, Patrick, now older and fat, meets Alan A. Allen, a genius kid with no sense of smell played by Rupert Grint from Harry Potter. This relationship becomes close and, some might say, homoerotic.

Now, in the voice over that drones on and on for the whole movie, Patrick reveals that he has always wanted to be a spaceman.

At school, Patrick farts during a prayer.

Meanwhile, Alan invents special pants for Patrick that control his sphincter to stop the embarrassment. It directs the farts into a tube-attached lunch pail. However, a bully opens the lunch pail and green fart dust is shot onto his face. Then Patrick is tied to a jungle gym and brutally beaten and stripped down to his green underwear. Then he farts.

For no particular reason, the depressed Patrick walks onto the grounds of a music academy. He hears an opera singer, Sir Osgood, try to hit a high note, unsuccessfully. Then Patrick farts a superior high note, breaking glass and sending out a sonic shock wave. Osgood runs out, but Patrick is gone. And cue a four second long, uncredited cameo by Keira Knightly.

Alan, who always wanted to build an eco-friendly airplane and win a flying competition, creates a hovercraft that uses Patrick’s farts for fuel. Halfway through a 75 second fart that propels the two across the finish line, Patrick says he cannot fart anymore. Alan yells: DO IT FOR ME! And Patrick continues farting. They win the competition.

With added confidence, Patrick walks up to the school bullies and farts. Patrick then chases the lead bully into a forest, and once cornered, turns around, bends over, and farts such a fart that it destroys part of the forest, sending a shock wave throughout the town.

By this point, Alan has joined the United States government, and Patrick is all alone. He misses his life partner. Then Osgood, the opera singer, shows up and offers Patrick a chance to “sing” the high notes while he, Osgood, lip synchs. Patrick agrees, and thus begins a globe trotting world tour with an rich, older gentleman.

In Rome, Placido P. Placeedo, the former greatest opera singer, discovers the fart intrigue and poisons Patrick’s food. That night, instead of farting a high note, Patrick farts a sickly, deep, grumbling fart. It shakes the rafters of the opera house. Placido comes on stage to expose the frauds, but a theater light knocked loose comes crashing down onto his head. Patrick is then arrested by Italian police and convicted of murder.

Before being executed by a firing squad, a car pulls up. And Academy Award nominee Paul Giamatti steps out. Giamatti plays Johnson J. Johnson (haha, these names are hilarious!) He reunites Patrick with his boy toy Alan, and Patrick says, “I just want to put my gift and your genius together again.”

Alan explains that astronauts are trapped in space, and the engines are out on the rescue rocket. However, Patrick has two stomachs and the rocket has two engines, so that somehow makes him qualified to propel a rocket into space using his farts.

At space headquarters, we meet the space center president, played by Academy Award nominee Ned Beatty. Beatty says to Patrick, “You are a fruit, son.” He later explains that he is a fruit from God. And thus, Thunderpants is now a messianic figure. And we meet the world’s greatest scientists, who are ALL kids! From around the world! Isn’t that fun?

Before the launch, Paul Giamatti tells Patrick there is a 79% chance he will die in lift off. And these adults that run the space center tell the child astronaut that it is his choice to continue. Patrick says “yes” and Ned Beatty says “Let’s Blow Ass!”

Patrick’s farts lift him off into space. Briefly, Houston loses communication with Patrick, and everyone assumes he’s dead. But then they hear his classic high pitched fart singing, and know he is alive. Patrick saves the astronauts. The end.

For those of you wondering, there are a total of 51 farts in this movie. I counted. But two of those farts - during the flying competition and for space liftoff - each lasted over a minute. So, those of you playing a drinking game at home, go ahead and finish your drinks when those farts occur.

This movie is utter, indescribable awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, you simply have not lived until you have seen the most awesome movie you’ve never seen. Thunderpants.