Transformers 2: Another Opportunity To Be Corny

In 2007, I began seeing trailers for a movie called Transformers .  I thought to myself, “Certainly they can’t be making a live action film based on a popular series of children’s action figures.”  But I was wrong.  The hype began to build and all around me, close friends were getting caught up in the excitement.  Though they had never mentioned the franchise prior to 2007, they began to reveal that they were huge fans of the Transformers toys, the Transformers comic books, the Transformers animated television show, and the original Transformers animated film.  Everyone was pumped for the film’s release except for me.

When I watched the trailers for Transformers , I saw a summer blockbuster with merchandising potential.  It resembled the dozen or so big budget superhero movies that had come out in the summers leading up to 2007.  In the back of my mind, I was hoping that Transformers would be an art house film about a robot coming to terms with his failures, fighting his drug addiction, and allowing himself to love.  The trailers assured me that this was not going to happen.

The film came out and everyone seemed very pleased with it.  My friends were happy about the various action sequences.  My fellow film nerds were mesmerized by the clean visual effects.  A close relative of mine, who shall remain nameless, said it was the greatest movie he had ever seen.  I decided I would rent the film on DVD.

A few months later, I rented Transformers and watched it with my close relative, who shall remain nameless.  In the spirit of giving credit where credit is due, I must say that the sound design and visual effects were very well done.  Action was intense and the CGI looked good.  However, whenever characters would speak, I would hear unimaginably embarrassing trash.  There are lame, one-line jokes used to end scenes.  There are lame, super-serious comments made about life and the fate of the world.   There are lame, charmingly inadequate attempts to speak to girls or authority figures.  Half the film is so corny, it makes me cringe thinking about it.  I looked over to my close relative, who shall remain nameless.  He admitted to me that when he originally saw the film, he was on drugs.

Here are a few of the most painful lines:

1. SAM WITWICKY- “Here’s the dream: your B-, (poof!), dream gone.  Sir, just ask yourself: what would Jesus do?”

2.  JAZZ- “You want a piece of me?”  MEGATRON- “No, I want TWO pieces!” (Megatron rips Jazz in half).

3. CAPTAIN LENNOX- “Listen to me, you’re a soldier now!”

4. SAM WITWICKY- “In fifty years when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in that car?”

Shia LeBeouf does not do well as the quirky white teenager trying to save the world and get the girl at the same time.  Many believe that LeBeouf is “the next Tom Hanks.”  I can’t see that being true, only because as far as I know, Tom Hanks was never an annoying little bitch.

Now, in 2009, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is coming out and I am going through the same thing all over again.  This new film is sure to be even cornier than the first, but contain more of the robot combat audiences seem to love.  I wish I could be like the rest of my friends, who ignore the pathetic dialogue and just enjoy the ride, but I cannot.  The whole thing is just silly.

What needs to be understood is that the Transformers franchise is not based on a fantastic premise, it is based on a fantastic toy.  The 2 in 1 concept has an amazing appeal to kids.  Who wouldn’t want a car that is also a robot?  But when you watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen and start thinking that a line about human nature is “incredibly deep,” remember that the entire backstory for the franchise was made up only to justify having the toys on the shelf.