It was one week ago today that my heart sagged, along with my sack, at the end of Battlestar Galactica. My Saturday morning ritual of breakfast and BSG is now what? Nothing? A memory? Did the last few months even exist? I feel cast adrift. Lonely. I avoid human contact now. Well, I would avoid it if any humans would go near me. Not even Drake will have a conversation with me that doesn’t take place online. The last time I suggested we go carousing, he told me he had to go scream at things and then document the results. What a lousy excuse. Still, he is my only lifeline to EXISTENCE. Please see what words fell out of our brains this week:

Drake: So, we meet again.

Andy: For the first time. Was that a Naked Gun joke?

[Note: it’s from Spaceballs!]

Drake: It is now

Andy: I saw on Ain’t It Cool that there’s a script for a fourth Naked Gun written by the dude that made Sledgehammer! I loved Sledge Hammer! when I was a kid.

Drake: Wow. I have never watched that. My world was just opened.

Andy: Seriously?

Drake: What the hell was Sledge Hammer!? I guess I missed it.

Andy: It’s lousy when I watch it now, but as kid I loved it. It’s a Dirty Harry parody, but I hadn’t even ever seen Dirty Harry when the show was in the early 90s. Which if you think about it, is kind of late for a parody of a film from the 70s. But the first season ends with him accidentally detonating a nuclear bomb and killing everyone.

Why don’t you call my name?

Drake: Hahaha. Is it the last season?

Andy: No, season two takes place before he blows everyone up. So in the continuity of the show, he still stupidly blows up LA.

Drake: Oh. Well that’s not as cool is I’d initially thought. I thought that was going to be a massive plot hole for season two.

Andy: I think it’s better than cool. The fact that they didn’t try to explain it away, and that he really accidentally murders a large metropolitan city…

Drake: …is awesome?!

Andy: Fill in whatever exclamatory phrase you’d like to. So, what possibly will dominate our conversation today?

Drake: I think it’s already been decided. Sledge Hammer! I’m getting into this now.

Andy: All of this has happened before, and all of it…won’t happen again!?!

Drake: Jeez. Sledge Hammer!’s pretty deep. Yeah, apparently we broke the cycle. Together. You and me, Andy.

Andy: Finally, the millions of years of fighting will be over. And I can fuck my Japanese robot wife in peace.

Drake: The way Asian god intended. No seriously, I still hate robots. If there’s a robot uprising, I’m going to quell the shit out of it.

Andy: Sorry, I meant frak my Japanese robot piece of ass.

Drake: There you go! This is a kids’ show damn it!

Andy: I was writing a bit yesterday to perform in the subway as a busker, but by the end of it, I had used the word “cock” about 10 times, and it was no longer family friendly in any way.

Here’s a songs about cocks. It’s called “Timothy Geithner”.

Drake: Wait, wait, wait. You’re performing in the subway??? What happened to your life?!?!

Andy: No, I just thought it might be fun to perform a routine in the subway like all those musicians who play their shitty crapmusic.

Drake: They sure do. They sure do.

Andy: But as it stands, I think this bit may only work on stage. Where children can’t hear me scream the phrase “fucking cocktease”.

Drake: Look they’re going to learn it somewhere. Better they hear it from you on the subway.

Andy: Than their uptight CEO dad yelling it at his mistress on the phone while the kid’s mom Zolofts herself into a stupor?

Drake: Haha. No. Why would those people take the subway? They drive around in foreign cars or get carried places by manservants.

Andy: That’s true. Here though, more wealthy people use public transportation than in Philly. There it was all poor and working class people clipping their nails on the Broad St. line.

Drake: The salt of the earth. Eagles fans.

Andy: Those fucking assholes would clog up the train every time there was a Phillies or Eagles game. They can go get fucked.

Drake: Ok. So you were trying to steer us toward the Battlestar finale… What did you think?

Andy: I’m still really conflicted about it. I loved everything up until they find Earth - the real Earth - especially Dean Stockwell going “Oh frak” and eating his gun. And I’m totally willing to give Moore his whole spirituality thing because that was there throughout the whole series, even if I think it’s a lot of bunk.

Drake: Yeah it’s got some logistical problems. I liked it. It was definitely fun. That said there were a number of things that didn’t make sense.

Andy: The whole Deus ex Machina - OR HAHA MACHINA EX DEO - seems a bit anti-climactic as well.

Drake: After 4 years of character development, Starbuck was just a figment of everyone’s imagination.

Andy: No no. The one that returned was an angel or something. Moore was purposely vague about it.

Andy: From an interview he did with a bunch of critics after a viewing of the finale: “Kara, I think, is whatever you want her to be. It’s easy to put that label on her: Angel, or Messenger of God, or whatever. Kara Thrace died and was resurrected and came back and took the people to their final end. That was her role, her destiny on the show… We debated back and forth in the writers’ room for a while on giving it more definition, and saying, definitively, “This is what she is,” and we decided that the more you try to outline it and give voice to it and put a name on it, the less interesting it became. We just decided this was the most interesting way to go out, with her disappearing without trying to name what she was. “

Angels in Amer…uh…Africa.

Drake: I do see some of the wisdom in that, but at the same time…the camera cut, she disappeared thing was cheesy. I just started laughing when I saw it.

Andy: Oh, yeah, it was totally cheesy. Which is why the whole end doesn’t sit well with me. I want to give Moore the benefit of the doubt after 80 hours of incredible TV, but his genre sci-fi roots got the best of him here.

Drake: Yeah this is all with the additional note that I loved the show.

Andy: Or syfy roots. Whatever it is now.

Drake: Ugh. That. Why would anybody ever do that?

Andy: Marketer: Finally, we can ignore the people that actually want to watch this channel in order to

chase the mythic Everydude.

Andy: Whoever runs marketing for the Sci-Fi channel must have worked for the democratic party at some point.

Drake: Haha. Yes, they just took maybe the one thing that was doing what it was supposed to and screwed it over.

Andy: Democratic strategist: Why don’t we ignore our base and concentrate on trying to appease Wall

Street assholes?

Obama: Whatevers, dude!

Drake: I like how Obama is apparently a surfer dude.

Andy: Hey, he’s from Hawaii.

Drake: So OK help me out…Say hypothetically I’m a huge nerd…

Andy: Sure, “hypothetically”.

Drake: And loved Battlestar and it was the high point of my week and now the colors of my world seem painted in ever bleaker and bleaker shades of grey. What I am supposed to do with myself? I can’t watch Syfy!

Drake: That sounds stupid and might be slang for VD in some eastern block countries.

Andy: Haha, syfy as slang for syphilis.

Drake: I’m honestly not sure that a joke. Either it’s not true and it’s a joke, or it is true…and it’s an even bigger joke.

Andy: Yeah, I really did feel a kind of loss at the end of the finale. The Wire’s over. BSG is over. Friday Night Light’s is probably done for. What is left now in terms of great drama?

Drake: I honestly have no idea.

Andy: Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Big Love. Big Love got great this season. I haven’t seen the last two episodes yet, but they really pushed the drama and the score…I’m not sure if the score is different or if it’s the first time I’m noticing it, but it’s amazing. Maybe we needed two seasons of fun to get to this point – and Jeanne Tripplehorn has always been amazing – but this third season really was rather heartwrenching.

Drake: Basically what’s left are those and the more adventurous Showtime programs.

Andy: I like Lost but it’s not great in any way.

Drake: Showtime and other things Showtime-esque.

Andy: Even HBO looks a bit thin lately. What happened to them that you’re namechecking Showtime first as the source of great paychannel TV? That No.1 Ladies Detective Club looks blah.

Drake: Hahaha. Yeah. It’s very possible you and I are not the intended demographic for that.

Andy: I wanted to give it a chance because, “Oh, a show set in Africa, that’s novel.” But then I saw the trailer, and I thought, “What the fuck? Africa, a continent that the West has fucked with for hundreds of years, setting up a great dramatic fundament, and the best show we get is some romcom Murder, She Wrote?”

Drake: Umm…Is it weird if that description is something I really want to see?

Andy: Yes.

Drake: Bust out the opening typewriter.

Andy: Frankly.

Drake: Bring back Angela Landsbury.

“Murder,” she wrote, “is kind of a boring topic. I think I’m going to write about fucking.”

Andy: Is she still alive?

Drake: Yes, Andy. Yes she is.

Andy: Well, she’s dead to me.

Drake: After what she did….Nobody talks to you like that.

Andy: Cutting my dick off like that.

Drake: Or that.

Andy: I don’t care what she said to me.

Drake: You’d probably hold a grudge.

Andy: It was the dick-cutting that really got my goat.

Drake: Well, she also called you a little bitch. That must still sting.

Andy: Not actually more than the whole dick-fiasco.

Drake: The only thing that hurt more than your pride…was your severed penis. Yeah, I guess that’s about right.