“Another week, another freak!” is a saying my pappy used to exclaim, mostly because mommy had a weird uterus and used to give birth to an unholy parody of life every week or so. After a few years of this shit, my dad grew inured to the parade of mutants that would traipse out of her womb, and he gave up his aspirations to have a normal life and move out to Moon Colony Gamma. Then he shot and killed all my fucked-up brothers and sisters and hung himself. When Drake was a child, his parents showered him with presents and candy. And thus, we both retreated into the world of television to escape the horrors of our lives. And then we wrote some words about shows:

Andy: Drake, Drake, Drake.

Drake: Alright man, so let’s talk shop.

Andy: Let’s talk Chopin. What do you think of his cello concertos?

Drake: I hate them. I hate them with the passion of a thousand suns.

Drake: No, I dunno, they’re probably great. We could talk about TV though. Unless you’re some sort of music aficionado.

Andy: I don’t even know if he wrote any cello concertos.

Drake: Well, there you go.

Andy: Maybe Bach did. Bach to the Future.

Drake: Now both of us look bad. Now if we ever go out in Brooklyn people will call us philistines and poor red wine on our shirts.

Andy: Yeah right. The Brooklynites wouldn’t know Chopin if he sold them a gram of coke at an Animal Collective show.

Drake: Why do you have to bring Animal Collective into this?

Andy: I like their new album. I just picked the first band that seemed to have a superficial following of turds.

Andy: Hey, why was Back to the Future never syndicated like Weird Science? That would have made a great show.

Drake: I think it was a cartoon show. Probably because the special effects were too expensive for TV at that time. Why don’t we talk about shows that actually exist for once? BSG? United States of Tara?

I guess we weren’t ready for this. I bet our kids will love it though.

Andy: Holy frak. BSG keeps topping itself with every new episode. As an emotionally crippled twenty-something, it’s the only thing that can make me feel. Please tell me you’ve been keeping up. Please. I’ll give you rings and gems.

Drake: Of course.

Andy: Priceless swords from kingdoms long since dead.

Drake: You have rings and gems? Wait no I’m calling that bluff. I don’t think you are “riches of the old world” rich

Andy: Dude, I’m not even cleaning lady in Manhattan rich.

Drake: But you can dream…yeah, I keep up pretty religiously.

Andy: No, I can’t. Medical condition. Like in that one Star Trek: TNG episode where they stopped dreaming. And all went nutso.

Drake: That was a great episode. For the sake of this metaphor are you Wesley Crusher?

Andy: I don’t remember anything about the episode. What did he do? If the answer is fuck a supermodel, then yes, I am he. The supermodel is of course a metaphor.

Andy: For masturbating to the Wall Street Journal’s op-ed page.

Drake: Andy…I’m not sure you know what metaphor means. Well, whatever works for you.

Andy: I’m impotent. Nothing fucking works for me.

Drake: That’s unfortunate. You know, speaking of erections…

Andy: Go on.

Drake: Katee Sackoff’s going to be on a new Nip/Tuck this week. I think I deserve some bonus points for that transition.

Andy: I’ve marked them off on the official tally. How great was it to finally see Starbuck murdering people again?

Drake: Yeah just about every character on that show is back in top form. I’ve been really happy with it all around. It’s one of those show’s that’s so good and different enough from the mainstream turnout that it’s pretty incredible it got made at all.

What do you mean it won’t be a fair trial? We’re giving you the same kind that disgraced former Earth president Bush used for his prisoners. That’s fair, right?

Andy: I know. For once, the executives of a network actually had vision and trusted their creators to do something interesting. I think what floors me most these days is when anything interesting at all comes out on a non-pay station.

Drake: Thank you, Sci-fi.

Andy: The structures of the television business are built to sieve out anything interesting most of the time. To appeal to the broadest audience. Every once in a while you get a Pushing Daisies or a Battlestar Galactica or a (first season of) Friday Night Lights. Even though this last batch of shows in the fall were horrendous. Have any actually survived?

Drake: Wow. That’s a good question. Anything I’m actually looking forward to is either an older show or a mid season replacement. Let me think about that for a second. There must be some.

Andy: Kath and Kim? I’ve never seen an episode of that, but I know it’s still on. I like the actresses in it, but it got nothing but shit reviews.

Drake: Yeah but the ratings aren’t that good and it got axed internationally–in Australia where they original was from. I’m not sure that counts.

Canceled!

Probably canceled!

Andy: No, I’m assuming that and Earl, which is amiable but forgettable, will be gone soon.

Drake: Oh I doubt they’d cancel that. There’s no reason too.

Andy: Especially once the Amy Poehler show debuts.

Drake: But yeah, the Poehler show will probably take over for Kath and Kim.

Drake: I thought of one.

Andy: Well, I think NBC is actually trying to hold onto to it’s Thursday night comedy brand. Or whatever shitty marketing term you want to use.

Drake: Fringe. Fringe is still going.

Drake: Must see TV.

Andy: Yeah, that’s still around, though I stopped watching after two eps.

Drake: Or chime in?

Andy: Life’s too short for moldy melodrama.

Drake: What does that mean anyway?

Andy: What? Moldy melodrama?

Drake: Chime in.

Andy: What is chime in?

Drake: It’s one of the NBC slogans.

Andy: Really? What the fuck is that?

Drake: One of many. I was asking you!

Andy: Wow. NBC is terrible. That’s not true, but with Silverman and his love of cash over quality, they’re certainly tanking. They’ve certainly tanked.

Drake: I’m still stuck on what the hell chime in means! Alright how about something positive…United States of Tara. You watched?

My fifth personality is a Magilla Gorilla.

Andy: Yeah, I’ve seen the first four episodes. After Juno, I was ready to write off Diablo Cody, but this is actually decent.

Drake: You didn’t like Juno?

Andy: I thought the dialogue was kind of shitty. I mean, I don’t care that it’s one of those teens-wise-beyond-her-years things. And obviously it’s a movie - and I like people like Hal Hartley and Guy Maddin, so weird or stilted dialogue is fine with me - but the stuff Cody writes is such horseshit with so little humanity to back it up. Which is why I liked Tara because the characters still have her fake, dumbass quirks, but at least there’s some emotion to back everything up.

Drake: I couldn’t disagree more. I think the quirks of Cody’s characters are very realistic, even if many of them are very contentious of how those quirks make them different from “normal” people. In Tara, those quirks are really the original gimmick for the show–a very stylized but dramatic version of multiple personality disorder.

Andy: Are you being honest to blog?

Drake: Hahaha. And there’s that. But I don’t have any problem believing that there’s some brainy teenager out there who would say that.

Andy: Whatevs, homeskillet. I’m fry-by on the gully.

Drake: And you remembered all of those!

Andy: It’s all Greek to bees. Flip flop, crimewave! Oh lady! Double stretchmarks for a sole?

Drake: How many more of these do you have stashed away?

Andy: I’m just stealing shit from some late 70s prog lyrics. And avant-garde plays from the 50s. I’m going to do a re-make of Juno in a couple of years that’s indecipherable.

Drake: I bet that’s a rough movie to translate. Like the German version has to be pretty damn confusing.

Andy:

Juno: My belly has sperm and eggs mixed together into baby fetus tiny.

Juno’s father: What fore penis inject tiny humanoids into uterus? Steve Ape is

dick-person?

Juno’s mom: I scream at demons when you look like this.

end scene

Drake: Nope. Nope. I hear nothing of what you say. I’m still all about Diablo Cody. I love that verbose ex-stripper.

Andy: You just love that she was a stripper.

Drake: That doesn’t make sense. I don’t love all strippers. Some of them are probably a real chore to be around.

Andy: Even Marisa Tomai in The Wrestler?

Drake: Real strippers, Andy. Real strippers.

Andy: My understanding of strippers comes from TV and movies. As does my understanding of women. And humans.

Drake: It might do you well to get out more.

Andy: That would require me to leave my apartment. And there is no television outside my apartment. And people on the street stare at me, and yell at my face. Some smell my shirt.

Drake: That was a really specific reference. Did that just happen?

Andy: Fiction!

Drake: Jesus. You threw me with your writing. Damn you. Obfuscation, thy name is Andy Beckerman.

Andy: I’m like Diablo Cody, but not a stinky bohemoth.

Drake: Diablo Cody is a lovely person! And she smells like lilac! And chocolate chip cookies!

Andy: Did you used to watch her strip? Are you the Mickey Rourke to her Tomei?

Drake: No. No…

Andy: Did you try to kiss her after talking about 80s cock rock?

Drake: I feel like that’s all I talk about anymore.