Vampire Dating 101

by Carly Verble

It seems like the “it” thing right now is vampires and I blame the millions of Twi-tards all around the world for this bloody phenomenon.  If you don’t know what a twi-tard is it’s someone who is into Twilight.  I’m not talking about the people who enjoy the books and have seen the movie once or twice.  I’m talking bat-$h*t crazy Twilight fans.  Some Twi-tards have even gone as far as scratching themselves to the point of bleeding and then screaming to Robert Pattinson “I DID THIS FOR YOU!!!!”.  Since it seems like this obsession is going to stay around for a while, here’s some books that may or may not help you land your very own Edward.

“How To Date A Vampire” by Sophie Collins

This book isn’t coming out until 2010, but at least you can rest easier knowing help is on the way.  I guess you’re first step is actually trying to locate someone that will openly admit they are in fact a real vampire.  Remember, vampires are old, so maybe start at your local senior citizen community or even the local blood bank.  Other than that, I’m not exactly sure what this book is going to tell the reader, but I’m sure it’s along the lines of don’t eat garlic, hide all your crosses and how to locate your carotid artery for harvesting blood.  Kinky.

“The Vampire Is Just Not That Into You” by Vlad Mezrich

This guy’s vampire book includes: quizzes, testimonials and charts on how to keep your vampire boyfriend around for-ev-er.  I really don’t know how that’s going to work out considering humans don’t have the life span of a blood sucking creature (If someone would like to explain to me the logistics of vampire life, please leave a comment).  Lucky for all you Twi-tards this comes out in October, just in time for Halloween.  Something tells me there are going to be a lot of desperate Twi-tards on the prowl at Halloween parties this year.

Yeah, I know it’s only two books, but seriously if there were more than two I’d be giving advice on better ways to waste your money, like on therapy.  You know it’s only a matter of time before Tyra Banks runs a special on vampire dating, vampire abuse and empowering young women to take a stand against blood thirsty men.  So the quicker that happens, the sooner this whole vampire thing can have a steak driven into it and die.  Until then, happy hunting Twi-tards!