What If The “Saved By The Bell” Kids Were In A Horror Film…?

by Garrett Hargrove

Its Halloween time.  Time when we’re inundated with horror films released in the theaters and DVD.  Horror films (mainly slasher-horror) are defined by a serial killer slashing up a diverse group of teens while they work out their internal issues.  One of the most popular diverse teen groups of the 1990’s was the crew from “Saved By The Bell”.  We got to watch as the group of cool kids in blinding neon colors went from Junior high to high school to college to a Vegas wedding (to relative obscurity).  Through the 5 years they were on TV, we got to see them tackle nearly every situation.  Jealous, bad grades, drug addiction, sports and love.  But never homicidal maniacs.

Horror films often utilize cliche characters and exploit that characteristics for the purposes of the plot.  Using the characteristics of Bayside’s finest, here is my guess at how the kids would fare in a horror film:

Zack Morris
Age: 18
Character Archetype: Possible Noble Hero, Smart Ass, Blonde Guy, Preppy
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Josh Hartnett (Halloween H20: 20 Years Later)
  • Fate: Both with a strong emphasis on dated hair styles, survived the 1998 Michael Myers attack.  He apparently then dumped his Mom into a sanitarium where she got killed by Myers a few years later.
• Luke Perry (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
  • Fate: Lives and bangs the cheerleader.
• Eric Balfour (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
  • Fate: Eric and his overly long face and disemboweled by Leatherface.  He then went on to be mixed with some stewed tomatoes, bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese to make a nice casserole for the Leatherface family.
• Jerry O’Connell (Scream 2)
  • Fate: Shot by Timothy Olyphant.  Went on to marry Rebecca Romijn and said “To hell with acting! I get to bang Mystique!!!”

Notes: He’s the most likely to evolve in a dire situation from the comic relief to a strong leader.  He also had that fifty pound cell phone he could use as a weapon.  BUT… he could sacrifice himself to save Kelly.  A lot of this depends upon the focus of the film.  If Zack is the primary focus, then he’s pretty safe.  But if the focus falls to a female heroine as it often does, he probably should go on and cancel that summer job at Malibu Sands Beach Club.  It should be noted that he was also the lead singer of the hit band “Zack Attack”.
Likelihood of Survival: 73%

AC Slater
Age: 19
Character Archetype: The Jock, Rival of the Hero
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Rhino (Shocker)
  • Fate: Peter Berg’s running back football friend is super loyal despite a psycho coming after him.  Rhino survives Mitch Pleggi and is African American.  Leaving an African American alive was thought to be too bold a statement for a 1989 horror film and forced this film to be forgotten by time.
• Ryan Phillippe (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • Fate: Killed while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a beauty pageant.
• Carter Horton (Final Destination)
  • Fate: Just when you thought he was OK… he got hit by a sign.
• The Boxer Dude (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
  • Fate: Head punched off when he boxes with Jason

Notes: Not a lot of complexity here.  He’s the brute force of the group.  Its likely at some point, he will try to man up and take down the villain by force.  By having a crazy girlfriend (Jessie), he is definitely at risk of getting himself hurt trying to keep her out of harm’s way.  His best chance of success is to be the brute force, but get injured early.  Then he becomes a major hindrance to the rest of the group as they try to lug around his injured body, which allows some of the others in the group to get picked off (LL COol J in Deep Blue Sea, Michael Biehn in Aliens).
Likelihood of Survival: 38%

Kelly Kapowski
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Cheerleader, The Popular Girl, The Love Interest
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Schindler’s List)
  • Fate: Evolved from simple cheerleader to super heroine.
• Neve Campbell (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: Survived all the way through, but lost boyfriends at a rapid pace.
• Jessica Alba (Idle Hands)
  • Fate: Lives.  Dress ripped off.
• The Redhead chick (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge)
  • Fate: The girlfriend of the lead guy… she saves him with her love.  Yes, there’s a reason why its known as “that shitty one” in the Freddy Krueger film series.
• The Sheriff’s Daughter (Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives)
  • Fate: After hooking up with Tommy Jarvis and becoming the love interest, she survives despite watching her father be crushed by Jason.  I hope they have some sort of support group for people who watched their friends and family mutilated by Jason Voorhees.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt (I Know What You Did Last Summer & undetermined number of sequels)
  • Fate: Survived all the way through, but had to act opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. for two films.

Notes: This, like Zack, is totally dependent upon the focus they set in the film.  If Zack is the lead and she is his true love, then there’s a chance, she could die.  Its not likely, but there’s a chance.  If she’s the virtuous heroine, then she’s a lock for the sequel.  The cheerleader thing works against her, because the stereotypical cheerleader behavior is snotty and shallow and prone to dying, even though she wasn’t like that in the show.  The thing that really works in her favor… she’s not a good enough actress to have a believable and moving death scene.
Likelihood of Survival: 92%

Screech Powers
Age: 17
Character Archetype: The Geek, The Annoying Character, The Sidekick
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Tommy Jarvis (Friday the 13th 4, 5 & 6)
  • Fate: Killed Jason in Part 4, Killed a person imitating Jason in Part 5, accidentally resurrected Jason on Part 6, then drowned him at the end of Part 6.  This is the only chance Screech has.  Be so weird and squirrely that the villain can’t get their hands on him.  Then he saves the day, but then accidentally screws it up and brings the killer back to life.  I’m surprised that wasn’t already a SBTB episode.
• Linderman (Freddy Vs. Jason)
  • Fate: Dies from a puncture wound after the sexy African American girl he likes finally gives him the time of day.  They may as well use this scene and photoshop Lark Voorhies and Dustin Diamond’s faces over the other actor’s faces.
• Shelly (Friday the 13th Part 3)
  • Fate: While playing around with a hockey mask scaring the other kids, Shelly has his throat slashed and Jason takes his iconic hockey mask.
• Jamie Kennedy (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: mutilated in a van after taunting the ghostface killer

Notes: Looking back, he had some of the most cringe-worthy lines in the series.  He was awkward, unathletic, loud and clumsy.  All bad traits if you want to survive a horror film.  Geeks don’t have the best records in horror films also.  They usually signal a turning point in the film.  While they’re around, they deliver the comic relief.  Then, once the geek’s friends find them dead, they know its for real and its a fast and furious dash for survival.
Likelihood of Survival: 12%

Lisa Turtle
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Shallow Valley Girl, The African American character, The Rich Girl
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Sarah Michelle Gellar (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • Fate: She is hooked to death.  Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts survive, though.
• Kelly Rowland (Freddy vs. Jason)
  • Fate: What Hollywood always does to pretty young African American women in horror films.
• Vain Blonde Chick (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
  • Fate: While admiring herself in the mirror, Jason smashes her face into the mirror then kills her with a piece of it.  Oh what beautiful irony you create, Jason.
• Elise Neal (Scream 2)
  • Fate:Failed to see the dude in the black gown with a knife standing right beside her and she got her throat slit.

Notes: Let’s face it.  Horror films have not been kind to the African American community.  Even in Scary Movie, written and directed by the Wayans family, no African Americans survived.  Horror films have also been equally as unkind to the vain, the rich and the ditzy.  She’s also had a history of being really cruel to the awkward kid.
Likelihood of Survival: 0%

Jessie Spano
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Nerd, The Feminist/Activist, The One Who Freaks Out, The Drug Addict (in her case, addicted to caffeine pills)
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• The Animal Activists at the Beginning of 28 Days Later
  • Fate: They let loose zombie monkeys who presumably turned them into zombie activists.
• Schoute Sisters (Sleepaway Cap 2)
  • Fate: After being caught toking up, they are burned alive by Bruce Springsteen’s sister.
• Punky Junkie (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)
  • Fate: OD’ed on Freddy’s fingers.
• Jenna Jameson (Zombie Strippers)
  • Fate: To have a higher rated and grossing stripper film than Elizabeth Berkely did.
• Jack Black (I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • Fate: Drug Addict Jack Black playing a white Rastafarian dude stabbed to death with lawn equipment.

Notes: Her obsessive compulsiveness led her to take Caffeine pills.  Caffeine Pills led to her life as a stripper.  Her life as a stripper led to a Razzie award as Worst Actress.  There is no hope with dope.
Likelihood of Survival: 27%

Mr. Belding
Age: 42
Character Archetype: Educator, Dorky Authority Figure
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Dewey (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: Even though he was stabbed dozens of times, he lived.  And got to be with Courteney Cox.  There is no justice in this world.
• Professor Lowe (Jason X)
  • Fate: After reanimating a frozen Jason, Professor Lowe decides Jason is simply iriitated that he doesn’t have his machete.  He gives it back to him.  Survey says… bad idea!
• The Fonz (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: Stabbed to death and strung up on the flag pole.  Obviously after jumping the shark

Notes:  His character type, the clear outsider to the core group, the dorky authority figure, the teacher, all point to him dying.  Or being the killer himself.  After years of putting up with Zack’s mischief, it finally makes him crack and he starts picking them off one by one.  And in that case, he dies in the end.  Or, best case scenario… we see him for a few minutes in the beginning at school, then never see him again and he’s totally not integral to the plot at all.
Likelihood of Survival: 17%

How it Goes Down… (After the jump)

The school dance is ending.  Mr. Belding is supervising.  Zack and Kelly are arguing while Boys II Men plays in the nearby gymnasium.  Kelly runs off upset.  Zack is frustrated with himself and hits a locker.  Mr. Belding comes out to console him while the dance ends and the students flow out.  AC, Jessie (who is totally high on Caffeine pills), Screech and Lisa come over to see what’s going on.  After an inspiring talk in which they come to the conclusion that Zack was wrong, they resolve to find Kelly.  Mr. Belding, proud of the influence he had over his students, retreats to his office.  Inside of his office, Mr. Belding is ambushed by a killer in a hockey mask.  After a struggle, in which Belding’s yells for help go unanswered, he is bludgeoned to death with his Educator of the Year award.

Deep in Bayside High, Slater, Screech, Jessie (who has secretly been snorting crushed up Smarties), Lisa and Zack are still desperately searching for Kelly.  After the sixty-third annoying remark by Screech, Zack makes an executive decision that its time they separate to cover more of the school to find her.  They resolve to split up to find her.  Zack turns to the camera to talk to it probably consisting of some bad pun about how little help his helpers are providing.  Or he throws us a curveball and just comes out and says how much he loathes Screech.

Jesse and AC Slater are quibbling throughout the school when they stumble into the principal’s office and finds Belding dead.  They run off to find Zack.  AC warns Preppy that Belding is dead and he saw it with his own two eyes.  Jessie states that she isn’t sure Belding is dead because she was high on crazy glue at the time.  Zack ominously looks to the camera and cracks a “looks like the dead zone in schools isn’t just for cell phones any more” joke.  Laugh track.

Meanwhile, Screech is taking this time to try to woo lovely Lisa Turtle.  Its been happening for years with exchanges like the following:

Screech: Will you go to prom with me?
Lisa: Yeah, I’ll go.
Screech: You will?!?!
Lisa: I’ll go with you when worms have ears.

Insert laugh track here.  Using that same cunning and cock-teasery, Lisa manages to separate herself from Screech by promising him a kiss if he can find her lost needle in the FFA haystacks.  Screech rushes off to oblige her for the promise of a kiss.  Lisa laughs, proud of her ability to lead on this sad, lovestruck geek as she wanders off.  While rushing off to secure that needle, Screech is confronted by the hockey mask wearing killer.  Screech pipes up with “I didn’t know the Red Wings were in town!”  Insert laugh track here.  A frantic chase ensues with Screech fumbling and bumbling his way down the hall until he is cornered in a science classroom.  The killer asks Screech how to make cyanide.  Screech, happily obliges.   The killer quickly makes the concoction and forces it down Screech’s throat.

Slater, Zack and Jessie pass a girl’s locker room.  Jessie mentions the possibility of Kelly having gone in there to change.  Zack and Slater rush in there.  Jessie calls them pigs.  Jessie lured away by some silly drug.  She gets killedd.  Slater breaks down over seeing Jessie dead.  He laments, “Even though I always really wanted Kelly, you were the best consolation prize any guy could have ever asked for.”

Then, with Zack consoling Slater, they hear a whimpering from the gym.  As Zack and Slater enter, they see Kelly tied to a chair at the far end of the gym.  Zack is about to rush to save Kelly when Slater holds him back.  “Wait, Preppy.  Look.”  Slater points to a figure in a hockey mask holding a machete near by.  “You save Kelly.  I’ll take care of Gretzky.”  Zack nods and runs to Kelly.  Slater marches towards the killer.

Slater is enraged that the killer destroyed his incomprehensibly mismatched relationship with Jessie!  There is no greater love than a love built upon comedic irony!  (Ironic that a super feminist is in love with a womanizing jock.)  Slater then tears off his clothes to reveal a wrestling unitard.  The killer tries valiantly to shield their eyes.  Slater then puts on an impressive display of wrestling moves and seemingly has the killer bested.

Meanwhile Zack is trying to untie Kelly as she mumbles through her gag.  He turns to the camera and bemoans “I always imagined the first time I had Kelly tied up with something in her mouth, it’d be more fun than this.”  Zack gets Kelly untied.  He yells to Slater to alert him to this fact.  With Slater distracted, the killer takes this opportunity to stab him in the heart.  Slater, fading quickly lets out a 90’s phrase along the lines of “Bummer”.

The killer then turns to Kelly and Zack.  They are trapped.  Zack uses his best asset and tries to talk his way out of it with the killer.  He has a heart felt speech about taking away their future, how they are all special people who will all contribute great things later on, except Screech, who would probably end up wasting away his life on World of Warcraft when it comes out.  And since they’re all so good, what could they have possibly done to enrage you and cause you to go to these lengths?

“You forgot me…” The killer says.  Zack looks confused, recognizing the voice.

“No!  Are you…?” Zack asks as the killer removes their mask to reveal…

Miss Bliss!

“You all forgot me!  You stayed in the same school!  Kept the same Principal!  But I was cast off!  The show was even named after me!!! (The show was called “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” from 1987-1989)  Meanwhile you little shits get to continue hanging out solving trivial pubescent problems for the next decade!  And now school’s out.”  Kelly asks Zack to take her out, but Zack, being the loyal guy he is, says he can’t kill a former teacher and friend.  Zack and Miss Bliss fight.  Its an epic fight that spans the school.  Miss Bliss injured Zack.  It looks like she’s going to win when Kelly appears behind her and knocks Miss Bliss out.

“Sorry, I really don’t even know who that is.  I wasn’t here for Junior High.”  Kelly says.

After taking out Miss Bliss, Zack and Kelly are about to embrace when Lisa wanders into the room.  They ask where she’s been.  She’s been applying makeup for the past half hour.  She sees Miss Bliss lying dead on the floor and makes a corny crack about Miss Bliss needed some blush herself.  Zack and Kelly are astonished to see Lisa alive given all of the strikes against her in the horror world.  Will wonders never cease.

Then…. as the three of the triumphantly exit the school.  Lisa gets hit by a bus.