Which Disney Princess Do You Most Want To Boink?

by Garrett Hargrove

Yeah.  This article might be a little deplorable.  But one cannot write solely mocking Robert Pattinson.  If you’ve gathered around the computer as a family to read some National Lampoon… I’m sorry and am going to recommend you avert the gaze of your kids before the see someone ranking their beloved Disney Princesses on hotness.  And for those of you who think it might be a little gay to be talking about Disney Princesses at all, you can’t tell me that the below picture doesn’t make you start doing the same:

You want to go watch Peter Pan right now, admit it.  And come on.  You do a Google image search for any of these Princesses, a picture will come back with a sexy Halloween costume version of them like so:

So I’m not the only one.  They make heroines all pretty, trim, athletic girls.  They want girls to admire them and think they’re pretty.  So what’s wrong with ranking them based on how well they did making them pretty.  Wow, I just keep making this worse, huh?  OK, I’m going to stuff justifying this and just jump in (after the break).  ALSO!  Working under the assumption they are all over 18.  Cuz, otherwise, that would just be sick.

13. Snow White from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

This may just be personal preference, but I just never saw it.  She was kind of pale and pasty and maybe that was the style at the time.  I thought it must have been a depressing world where the two fairest in the land were Snow White and this lady:

12. Tinkerbell from Peter Pan

(In case you’re saying “Hey!  Tinkerbell isn’t a Disney Princess”… uhm… little gay if you’re a dude.  Little anal retentive if you’re a girl.  And she’s in the picture from Comiccon above so she’s in this list.)

She’s really cute and petite and blonde and she wears a short skirt.  She’s fun.  She flies.  Sounds like the hot cheerleader everyone high school wanted to get with mixed with Supergirl.  F’ing amazing!  Winner!  Then… put her through a shrink ray and make her an inch tall.  Would you feel anything?  “I either just made it with Tinkerbell or a mosquito!”  You run the serious risk of crushing her to death and that’s always a turn off.  She’s above Snow White though, because there’s always the chance she gets big for like a few minutes like in Hook.  Even if she does have a Harry Potter haircut like Julia Roberts did:

11. Alice from Alice in Wonderland

Working under the assumption she’s over 18.  Because… I mean… damn… she looks 12…. You know in the new Tim Burton film she’s like 22 and… you know what, its not worth it.  Scratch Alice.  Not gonna discuss her.  Plus, isn’t it obvious, she’s whacked out on PCP all the damn time?

11. Meg from Hercules

Definitely the funniest and snarkiest of the princesses, Meg comes from the all-but-forgotten Hercules. James Woods played a slick talking Hades who bought her soul in exchange for bringing her lover back to life.  Then her lover left her for another woman.  So naturally she’s a little jaded and is reluctant to give in to Hercules’ advances.  She’d probably be the best chick on the list to be someone to hang out with and shoot the shit since she has that “just one of the guys” attitude about her.  She’s pretty far down the list because, she just doesn’t have any curves.  And like all of those 12 year old emo kids have proven… yes there is such a thing as too skinny.

10. Pocahontas from Pocahontas

She’s really attractive, athletic and probably a little wild, but come on… let’s face it… she’d be a REALLY hard lay.  She’s not going to trust Caucasian people any more.  We kind of dicked her and her people over.

9. Tiana from The Princess and the Frog

I haven’t seen this film, but it sounds like spends most of the time as a frog.  So, while she’s cute, I can’t place her higher than this.  Can she just magically revert back to that?  Could you get the image of you making out with a frog out of your head when with her?  Is the movie boring as hell?  All of these factors means she’s pretty low on the list.  Sorry Tiana lovers.

8. Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

Again, another movie I haven’t seen.  Voiced by Demi Moore, Esmerelda sees the best in Quasimodo and stuff.  While hot, she does sound a little preachy based on the wikipedia article on her.   Sorry, I got nothing else here.  For some reason, I imagine that gypsies don’t bathe, but nothing to back that up.  But I’ll keep looking.

7. Aurora from Sleeping Beauty

Pro’s: Easy to get into bed; Hot;

Con’s: She lives with three SUPER protective little old fat flying women who don’t let anyone come near her!  Imagine, you’re in her room in the forest cottage.  Things are getting hot.  Then you look up and see this flying at you:

6. Belle from Beauty and the Beast

She’s got the Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island” thing going on.  Poor farmer’s daughter (or blacksmith or inventor or whatever the hell he was).  She’s a hot brunette.  She’s spunky.  And for all you hairy dudes… she’s fine with that.  Problem is, it takes a LONG friggin’ time to win her over.  That big dude was trying to win her over for a long time, but she could never get her nose out of a book.  Beast took like what five months to break her down to even have dinner with him.

5. Ariel from The Little Mermaid

She seems to have it all.  A young, fun, fit redhead.  Being so naive, you could have a lot of fun with her.  Problem: She’s bat shit crazy.  She’d be fun for awhile, but all of her silly questions would get old.  “Its not an f’ing snarfdongle!  Its a Blu-Ray player! And Yes, we’re watcing Die Hard again!”

Another point: Can you imagine what living your whole life in Sea Water does to your hair?  Seriously.  I know in the movie, it looks like its a Brita pure water, but in real life, she’d come out of there and it would be “it was going great, the like half a dozen plankton and a sea horse fell out of her hair.  It really killed the mood.”

Plus, also, living in the sea… you’ve got to wonder… does she have crabs?

4. Mulan from Mulan

Yeah.  I pretty much haven’t seen any Disney animated movie after The Lion King.  This is one of them.  She has the really hot Geisha thing going on.  She also brandishes a sword.

3. Cinderella from Cinderella

She’s probably the most glamorous of the Princesses.  And I’ve totally made this column super gay again.  But she is a hot, model-eque blonde.  Like Kim Basinger and Christie Brinkley from way back in the day.  She loves attention.  She hangs out with singing rats.  She’s got a magic fairy Godmother who could make Nachos appear whenever you want.  And she’s got a giant f’ing castle RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF DISNEYWORLD!  But Wow… what a horrible nightmare to go visit her family.  Her wicked stepmother always looks like she’s about to commit genocide.  Her stepsisters have ogre feet.

2. Giselle from Enchanted

Fixing the gross oversight pointed out by many people.  The fun, pseudo-parody of Disney princesses broke into the real world after being thrown down a well by Susan Sarandon.  (I’m not sure if it looks bad/uncool/weak to say that this was actually a really fun movie.  But it was.  It that sounds gay, well it wouldn’t be the first time in this article.)  And she came out of the hole looking like Amy Adams.  Who’s hot.  Sure she’s dingy as all hell and she invites all the woodland critters in Manhattan to Patrick Dempsey’s apartment.  Not enough to bump her down on this list.  I mean, come on.  She’s so hot, they made another one of her and called her Isla Fisher:

And one more thing from this movie.  Giselle looks particularly hot up next to the most overrated hot chick ever.

Susan Sarandon.

So she was a big ho in Bull Durham.  I seriously think she was just born looking like she was 53 years old.  Go ahead, look at the picture below and I dare someone to defend her.

1. Jasmine from Aladdin

She’s got the “wanting to rebel against her Daddy” thing going on.  And you know how spoiled, hot rich girls get back at their dads.  Their animation about this time shifted to be a little Anime with those almond shaped eyes and it really worked.  Plus, if you hang out at her place afterwards… its a palace.  She’s f’ing rich.  She owns a tiger!  How awesome is that?

Here’s a little Kim Kardashian as Jasmine:

Probably Would Have Been #1, But I Don’t Think She Falls in that “Disney Princess” category even though Who Framed Roger Rabbit fell under the Disney Corporation:

Alright.  Now its your turn, all of you degenerates.  Let’s see what your list looks like.  Females, you are free to rate which Prince gets you most excited as well.  Or Princess.  We’re totally open here.

Bestiality Follow Up

Some people have been calling for Nala and similar characters on here. I mean, come on.  Nala is just a lion.  Yes, even when she’s giving you this look:

Bambi… just a deer.  Once you convince yourself that yeah, wild animals could be hot, things get out of control.  You’re bored at home on a Saturday night.  Had a beer or two.  Your dog fluffy doesn’t have anything else going on… and you end up on “60 Minutes” as some sort of freak.  But here are a few weird, bipedal, human-like animal characters that make you stop and think.  I think it begins and ends with the following:

2. Maid Marian from Robin Hood

And shame on any lazy ass people who make the “She’s such a fox” comment.  Just unimaginative and obvious.

1. Gadget Hackwrench from “Chip ‘n Dale’s Rescue Rangers”

Really cute mouse chick who developed all of the technology for Chip and Dale?  She really has no drawbacks.  Chip and Dale were always at each other’s throats trying to get with her.  I mean, they’re both fighting over this hot, smart mouse chick, its a miracle the show lasted… wait… it only lasted a year and a half?  What a f’ing gyp.  This awesome show with chipmunks and mice fighting crime with a super hot mouse chick and gadgets and helicopters and it only went on for 20 months.  And “According to Jim” went 8 seasons.  There is no God.