With Liberty and Justice For All?

Bitch under the keyboard is drinking my piss, son! She’s not old enough to drive!

Dear ZazReport dot COM,

For a moment there I thought it was ACCEPTABLE to use a 14 YEAR OLD GIRL as a pee-pee toilet. Wait. That IS okay? I can videotape it too? It’s encouraged? You mean I’m allowed to fill my bathroom with pubescent girls to use as PISS RECEPTACLES if I make enough money from songs I sang which people fornicate to? I’m allowed to do things I thought only existed on the European Internet if I musically masturbate and make a self-serving series of music videos that degrade my entire race, the female gender and high culture? OPERA??? HIP-hOPERA??? If I were to defecate on an Andy Warhol piece could we call it POOP ART? We can video tape the act of me stealing it from a museum then dropping a hot steamy pile on it only to hang it above my mantle.

I can bang out a few hit R&B songs, maybe my first hit single called “I’m Fairly Confident I Possess the Ability to Soar Through the Air… AND USE YOU AS A SEX URINAL.” Then all I need to do is tie it to a movie mixing live action with animation. I’m free to spend the remainder of my days wrangling some brace-face girls from the local middle school, drinking a gallon of coffee and letting the pink fire hose spray away.

I’ll lay down on my lawn as I have the girls “run through the sprinklers.” Then, I’ll stand on a ladder and drench them in pee while they watch the video of me stealing the Warhol painting and pooping on it. I videotape that and we all watch the footage of us watching the previous tape while I GOLDEN SHOWER them as I videotape. As long as this kind of behavior is acceptable, why not just create as much evidence as possible, right?

So then, me and my gaggle of teenage urinal mints watch all the videotapes while we all wet ourselves and videotape that, send it into the Sex Offenders of America office and then we wait, just wait. Then and only then, can I get off to the idea that one day I’ll be brought up on felony charges just to be let off easy while Average Joes remain on the Sex Offender’s list for the rest of their lives because some whooore got made fun of for having consensual sex with him and decided to press rape charges.

This is our country.

Always Angry,

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN