Worst Song EVER - Round 3!!!

by Garrett Hargrove

Its coming down to the end.  This is the Elite 8.  You only have to make 4 choices!  So easy a congressman could do it!

How To Vote:

Below is the bracket.  It is divided into four regions: 2000s 1990s A, 1990s B, Early.  When you send in your votes, choose which song you think is WORSE.

Option A:

Send an email to thatsongiscrap@gmail.com (yes its real).  And vote for which ones you want to go on to the next crappy round.  Sample email:

Mr. Zaz Report,

I know I promised myself, heart, mind and soul to Sasha Baron Cohen, but I can’ stop thinking about you.  Sure, he makes me laugh some, but no one connects with me like you.

Here are my votes:

2000s:
1
1990sA:
1
1990sB:
2
Early:
8

They say redheads are wild and crazy.  If you let me, I’ll show you just how wild we are…

Hopelessly Dedicated To You,

Isla Fisher

Option B:
Become a fan of The Zaz! Report on Facebook and post your votes as a comment on there.  Fan page is here.

Option C:
Comment on this post.  Feel free to use foul language, make fun of any celebrity you see fit or just post your votes.  You have free reign over your comments.  Go buck wild.

Option D:
Stalk a Zaz! Report Writer and tell them your vote!

Please have your votes in by July 15th and I’ll post the results and the Final Four!

(And all of you new Zaz writers… our editor told me to tell you that you’re required to vote.  Don’t go ask her.  Just trust me.)

Now, after the break… the bracket:

Light Version:

2000’s

1. My Humps - Black Eyes Peas
(Video: My Humps)
vs
2. If Everyone Cared - Nickelback
(Video: If Everyone Cared)

1990’s A

1. Achey Breaky Heart - Hannah Montana’s Dad
(Video: Achey Breaky Heart)
vs
2. Macarena - Los Del Rio
(Video: Macarena)

1990’s B

2. Can I Touch You There - Michael Bolton
(Video: Can I Touch You There)
vs
4. Barbie Girl - Aqua
(Video: Barbie Girl)

Early

2. Heartbeat - Don Johnson
(Video: Heartbeat)
vs
8. Blame it on the Rain - Milli Vanilli
(Video: Blame It On The Rain)

————————————————

Detailed Version (With Jokes):

2000’s

Round 2 Recap

1. My Humps def. 4. You’re Beautiful (75%-25%)
2. NickelBack def. 3. Rollin’ (58.3% - 41.7%)

Round 3

1. My Humps - Black Eyes Peas
vs
2. If Everyone Cared - Nickelback

My Humps

(Click the above link to hear the song.)

This one has staying power.

When Will.i.am asks Fergie “What’cha gonna do with all that junk?  All that junk inside yo trunk?”  Some other directions she could have taken the song:

• I’m gonna com-com-complain ’bout these pants.  Ain’t supposed to make my junk look giant
• <insert poop related joke here>
• I’m gonna get, get, get a record deal.  Get a platinum record for making your Squeal!
• <insert fart related joke here>
• I’m gonna do some, do some, do some porn.  Do some porn ’til my junk looks worn.

Some quotes from critics about this song:
“The musical equivalent of a bad Farrelly Brothers movie”
“one of the most embarrassing rap performances of the new millennium”
“It’s not Awesomely Bad; it’s Horrifically Bad. … There are bad songs that offend our sensibilities but can still be enjoyed, and then there are the songs that are just really bad—transcendentally bad, objectively bad.”

If Everyone Cared

This is more so a vote for all of those who just hate Nickelback on principle.  And this is the song of theirs that annoys me the most.  Its basically what would happen if you asked your average fourth grader how they would fix the world.  “If only everyone cared!  No one would die if everyone cared!  No one would go hungry if everyone cared!  I wouldn’t pee my pants if everyone cared!”  Thanks for solving nothing and wasting three minutes of my life.

My Coldplay selection didn’t go over so well in the first round of this bracket…

clocks rocks so bite me!

– From filmmaker Jenn Page

I am not reading any more of your Zaz crap until you print a retraction and apology for ranting on Coldplay!

– Coworker of mine

Coldplay has done noble, noble, noble things like move millions, sell iPods and cure insomnia!  I demand you stop your assault on that noble band!

– C. Martin

Fine!  I relent.  Just because I find Coldplay a boring, tepid band that makes Rod Stewart looks like Megadeath, doesn’t mean I should make jokes at their expense.

1990’s A

Round 2 Recap

1. Achey Breaky Heart def. 5. My Heart Will Go On (75%-25%)
2. Macarena def. 3. Rico Suave (66.7% - 33.3%)

Round 3

1. Achey Breaky Heart - Hannah Montana’s Dad
vs
2. Macarena - Los Del Rio

Achey Breaky Heart

This one has some legs and might go the distance.  You add the mullet to the song to the fact its a country song… you get possibly the worst song ever.

Not only did this song make it impossible to be cool and like Country music, but had this song never hit, Billy Ray would have never achieved his crazy level of fame and he would have ended up working at a gas station until his career took off.  Yet, it never did.

Having not escaped to the life of Luxury, his daughter Miley had to take on a job waitressing to make ends meet and had to put her dreams of making it as a teen superstar on hold to help put food on the table.

And we have a world without Hannah Montana.  And its all Achey Breaky Heart’s fault.

Macarena

If Spain is mad at us, it isn’t because of Iraq.  It isn’t because of George Bush.  It isn’t because of any of our policies.

Its because we kept this song alive for like 15 years even though its the thing Spanish people are most embarrassed of.

Oh my lord.  Just saw the Macarena wikipedia page and saw this…

Due to the overwhelming and unimaginable success of the song, a Christmas version of the song was created for the 1996 Christmas Season. It involved the original song with short lines from classic Christmas carols (specifically incorporating: “Joy to the World,” “Jingle Bells,” “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “White Christmas” and “Auld Lang Syne“) in between the popular verses.

In the music video, the young female dancers wear Christmas colored attire but there are nine of them compared to the ten dancers in the original. For the sequence featuring a new routine (the one being commonly used today), eight of them are shown with one of them being switched with a ninth dancer at times throughout the chorus. ^[5]

I pray for your ears that this song never reaches you.

1990’s B

Round 2 Recap

4. Barbie Girl def 1. Believe (58.3% - 41.7%)
2. Michael Bolton def. 6. You Are Not Alone (66.7% - 33.3%)

Round 3

2. Can I Touch You There - Michael Bolton
vs
4. Barbie Girl - Aqua

Can I Touch You There

We had to have one from the no-talent-ass-clown.  And Wow, why would you name anything that?  I don’t think Michael Jackson was even stupid enough to name a song that.

When I was a kid, if you really wanted to throw a good insult at someone, you said they owned a “Michael Bolton” CD.  It was a hideous, horrible accusation that one had to spend the rest of the year disputing and doing all they could to disprove it, otherwise their social life could be wrecked forever.  And if you DID happen to even be seen looking at a Michael Bolton CD in Best Buy and someone saw you, you practically had to move to another state.  Michael Bolton deserves to be featured in this contest for all of those lives he destroyed.

Barbie Girl

Recorded shortly after Ken came down with emphysema from years of smoking, Barbie Girl blew up the airwaves in the late 1990’s.

Mattel unsuccessfully tried to stop the playing of the song.  But the Supreme Court ruled against Mattel and the song was allowed to continue being played.  Do you really need another reason as to why we need to fully examine the judgment of Justice Sotomayor before she’s confirmed?

Early

Round 2 Recap

8. Blame it on the Rain def. 5.We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off (58.3%-41.7%)
2. Heartbeat def. 3. Party All The Time (75% - 25%)

Round 3

2. Heartbeat - Don Johnson
vs
8. Blame it on the Rain - Milli Vanilli

Heartbeat

Don Johnson took a break from filming Miami Vice to sing a song in a voice that’s somewhere between the guy who sang the Rocky Eye of the Tiger Song and Cher.

This is a hard one to give a commentary on, because, to be honest, I had never heard of this song until I started researching for this contest.  I have since become worried that maybe is was buried for a reason.  Some curse may lay dormant with it and by releasing it onto the world again, I have doomed us all.

Or people just stopped listening to it because its a flaming dog turd.

Blame It On The Rain

I think this one is a case of the song latching on to the bad rap of the singers.  But still, it was on EVERY list I saw, so I’ve got to include it.