Young Jeezy Inspires

by Kris Hanson

According to a “news” item out of MTV, Young Jeezy, royalty from Atlanta, really knocked ‘em dead at Summer Jam in New Jersey. I don’t understand what I just wrote, but MTV also tells me that I should stop sleeping on Young Jeezy. I didn’t know I was sleeping on this lad, but I do heartily apologize for doing so. He must be my guardian angel.

Honestly, I read this article and didn’t understand anything… except that Cam’ron needs to buy a vowel. I know I’m not the audience, but why does “Auto-Tune” have to die? And what kind of pain does T-Pain bring to the table? A lot of questions need to be answered, but those can be shelved for now.

Reading this news about Summer Jam got my name-making juices flowing. I want to create some new rap monikers! Now, if any young, hungry rappers want to use some rap aliases imagined by the whitest dude on Earth, then they are free to do so… but I do expect 10% of any earnings for eternity.

Phlegmgulp-X

No one is going to mess with someone who gulps phlegm, and the “X” just makes it all seem forbidden. A rapper who uses this alias is saying to the world, “I swallow the worst rhymes and make them into forbidden fruits you so desire… yo!” A raspy voice wouldn’t hurt, either.

Lil’ Piston Joe

Pistons are powerful and never stop moving, and “Lil’” and/or “Joe” are in every other rap name, so why not combine the three into a powerful combo? I wouldn’t want to front a little, rhyme-slinging piston named Joe. It just wouldn’t end well.

The Wrapper

A little homophone action like this could be a breath of fresh air. People don’t know where you’re coming from with this one. Does he/she wrap his raps? Will I get my ass wrapped in a rapping sling if I dis The Wrapper? Wrap not, want not? Being an enigma wrapped in raps would send the hip-hop world reeling.

The Rapper With No Name

It’s kind of like the horse with no name, or Clint Eastwood’s “The Stranger”, but no one is going to confuse you with a lame Seattle newspaper. People will love the mystery, too. Everyone will want to know why this rapper has no name… and if he wants to get out of the rain. Many records will be sold (well, not real records, of course–you get the idea) to people just wanting the truth. That is what we in the industry call “a license to print money”. I have no idea which industry I’m in, but that’s what we always say.

Yeah, yeah–I could only come up with four names. Look, I’m busy deconstructing the lush layers of Lawrence Welk! I can’t be hipping and hopping all of the time, like you youngsters.