Let me get right to the point:  Conservatives just don’t do well with comedy. Intrinsically, they are simply unfunny.  It’s been proven and stuff.  This is because… they suck the taint from the fringe of my balls I’m about to teabag them with.

I wasn’t looking for trouble.  Trouble came dunkng for me.

See, I’m addicted to this cyber-gadget I’ve written blogged about before.  Twitter.  Perhaps you’ve heard of this contraption.  I think it’s the offspring of an illegal iGay relationship between Jobs and Gates.  I dunno.

I dabble in politics.  Mostly, lately, I try to stay out of it (aside from the post I stuck here yesterday).  Today had to be different though.  Here’s the offending tweet:

@dmataconis: @markos Has any liberal been funny since The Smothers Brothers ?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Now, I may stink.  Let’s grant that out for you sheep dag logicians who will resort to arguments such as that later on down the yellow brick road made of cyberbits.

Take my lame intertubes-comedy powers away from me.  They were never there to begin with anyhow, right?  I suck.  We can assume this arguendo.  I couldn’t do standup if my Mom was on life-support and in need of one laugh in a room full of stoners.  Like, I really suck.  Happy?  Ok?  Granted.  Here we go…

The Smothers Brothers?  No liberal comedy since then?  Please.  Liberals fucking own comedy bitches.

If you don’t like it, don’t watch and read our shit.  Go watch Glenn Fucking Beck and his testicle retracting comedy tour.   Maybe George Will is doing the Def Comedy Jam at The Apollo.   Why do I feel the need to even write that which is self-evident?  Why must I use an allusion to The Constitution I know Tea-Baggers won’t get in the latter sentence?  Do they even understand the difference between the words, former and latter?  I know that confuses the little fuckers.

But I impress.

Let me get those not blessed with a life in Twitter Hell up to speed.  “@Markos” is Markos Moulitsas — the fellow who started The Daily Kos and the internet.  The other gentleman, umm… did not start the internet.  He’s a libertarian and free to read this if he’d like.  By doing so of course, he becomes a communist.  Like me.

Anyhosers, I couldn’t let that shit stand.  I mean come on.  Liberals own comedy.  Like it or not, it is what it is.  Markos got involved.  The interwebs got involved.  A cacophony of libertarian and conservative comedy collaborators coincided and cluttered my mention box which sadly, does not begin with the letter, “c.”

So, I challenged the bastards.  To a comedian draft.  Anything goes in cyberspace, and it doesn’t get more intellectually lame than this.  Has to be a record.  A comedy draft.  I am a fool.  To the windmills…

I  gave my opponents (and by proxy with Markos via a retweet) a head start.  They could pick the first ten comedians and I’d help them.  The aforementioned libertarian came up with Drew Carrey.  That was it.   Ok.  I’ll give him Drew Carrey.  He’s on The Price Is Right.  I’ll be damned before cursing the grounds a wayward Yodeler battles with a yellow ruler.

Tweets flew in.  No named comedians though.  I had to help.  I gave them Penn Jillette, a self-proclaimed libertarian whose name I might have misspelled.   One could argue he’s a magician, but, I’m happy to be a reasonable sort.  They can have friggin’ Penn.  He’s an Aristocrat and gets a pass.

Who else?  Dennis Miller.  The only punchline for him would involve some serious fisting.

Oh yeah.  Frazier.

That’s pretty much where conservatives and comedy stop.  To a death-mobile crashing halt.  Unless you count Palin from the other night — but, if you’re like me, massive organ failure is not comedy.  One could argue Leno is a conservative (don’t know), but then you’d have to further contend Leno attempts comedy.

From the top of my head: John Belushi, Lenny Bruce, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Tina Fey, Eddie Murphy, Sarah Silverman, Lisa Lampanelli, SNL, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Howard Stern, Joan Rivers, George Carlin, Cheech, Chong, David Letterman, Dave Chappelle, Dave Attel, Larry David (I could do a list of Daves), Rob Delaney, Gladstone, G. Xavier Robillard, Richard Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, my jock strap from eighth grade, this shoe horn, Senator Al Franken, and my middle finger.

Get real.  I present a challenge.  Come up with ten comedians who are outspoken and conservative or whatever.  You can’t.   I’ll line up ten of my comedians.  We’ll get some blades, a couple of broken beer bottles, the tunes from West Side Story, and a bunch of coke.  It’ll be swell.

With that, I leave you in a wake of cyber-blood and guts and the souls of lost abortions and chicken sandwiches and all the internet has to offer.

Emoticons!

Remember those excuses always neatly tucked in your back pocket to get out of a jam with Mommy?

First-term Rep. Eric Massa announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection, saying his doctors have told him that he can’t continue to “run at 100 miles an hour.”

But several House aides told POLITICO that the House ethics committee has been informed of allegations that the New York Democrat, who is married with two children, made unwanted advances toward a junior male staffer.  [...]

Asked specifically about the sexual-harassment allegations, he said: “When someone makes a decision to leave Congress, everybody says everything. I have health issues. I’ll talk about it [later].”

Massa has suffered from Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. On a conference call with reporters Wednesday afternoon, he said he was hospitalized in December and that his doctors made it clear to him that he needed to slow down. He denied that he was retiring because of a sexual-harassment claim.

Armageddon Alert:  Florida!

(Miami Beach, FL)  Dig the National Lampoon Axe Body Spray ladies! It certainly wasn’t a brilliant reporter’s penetrating questions that evoked such a jaw-dropping and hysterical reaction from two of the hottest WWE Diva’s in Planet Earth the entire galaxy.

Miami Beach’s world famous Fountainbleau Hotel, noted home for music in The 50’s and 60’s with performances by Elvis and The Rat Pack to name but a few, was now host to one of the biggest lunatics — moi.  Film was also big at the Fountainbleau (until I arrived).   One of my favorite memories of South Beach in the 80’s came from The Pool Scene in Scarface, when Tony won a bet over a fluttering tongue gone astray…

Back to the really, really, hot Divas who were kind enough to take a few moments with me.  You can see I’m completely distracted from the Super Bowl (where I hit the under, the coin-toss, and the Aint’s), and I need to get back to my new girlfriends pictured above.

So yeah.  We’re on the Red Carpet.  And I ask them a particular question.

But… Grown men do not kiss and tell.  Yet…

Stay tuned for some great video I have to edit.  Find out if I get punched out by an MMA Star, a rapper, Eddie George, Kim Kardashian’s Mom, Rachel Hunter, these rude girls from some show I’ve never heard of called, “The Hills,” or a very famous drummer from an 80’s rock band and other A-listers.

In the meantime, try to guess the question(s) I ask the Divas!  Will it be…

1)A question about The Current WWE Champion?

2)A question on religion?

3)Human sexuality?

4)Horrible skin conditions?

5)Other?

Plenty of adventure and pictures to come!  Join us on a trip through the world of padded cells and Rolls Royces with that hot urine color Diddy likes so much.

(Miami, FL)  The Griswolds are back folks!  National Lampoon is pleased to announce a very Super Griswold reunion.   We now can confirm speculation regarding our new film: Hotel Hell Vacation.

Sean L. McCarthy, a/k/a: The Comic’s Comic, leaked footage of Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo reprising their roles as Clark and Ellen Griswold in an upcoming trailer to premier February, 7th.

Tune in Super Sunday during the game and catch some of the zany family shenanigans only the Griswolds can pull off in their own unique way!  Again!  It’s only fair to confirm the story The Comic’s Comic scooped.   Finally, someone caught it.

It’s really going to be great and I can tell you the writing is terrific, hilarious, and fresh.  (Hint, Hint)*

*O.K.  Please.  I need the money and can’t have the execs shoot this straight to DVD.

**SPOILER ALERT:  I can also confirm Rusty will be played by none other than… Rusty!

Hello fellow Kenyans!  We’ll be starting promptly at 9:00 (E.S.T.).

Here at NL headquarters in Los Angeles, the maintenance guy just left and it seems I’m the only one left in the building.  Fortunately for me, President Obama stopped the Feds from busting down my medical marijuana dispensary.  I’ve got this nice bottle of really good shit called “Cheese.” Considering the intellectual opposition a Democratic, Jane Fonda Fucking, Commie, Pussy, Liberal like me faces, I find that smoking some “Cheese” while I do this to be a bit ironic.

So, kick back and twist one up before we begin this odyssey.  Trust me.  You’ll need it (assuming you are in compliance with California H&SC 36118.9).

8:58 - This Obama has some nerve.  The Chinese guy just got here with my Pepper Steak combination, the bong fell over… everything’s a mess.  You suck Obama.

9:03 - Watching MSNBC.  Noted Right-Wing Blog and keeper of people with ovular head shapes.   The President is not on time.  Basically, this means we’re all going to die.  Tonight.

9:04 - “Madam Speaker!  Everybody Wang-Chung Tonight.”

9:05 - Holy shit!  He’s black!

9:08 - As President Obama makes his way down the aisle, Olbermann discusses a word he hates:  “Zeitgeist.”  If he hates it so much, why has he mentioned it about ten thousand times?   Zeitgeist my weiner.  How’s that?

9:11 - My Fellow Kenyans… The State of our Union is… ehh.

9:12 - Oh yeah.  “Bull Run.”  Big Daddy’s going for the home run in history lessons.  That shit is tight.  Bull Run was just on the tips of my fingers.  I mean, I was about to type this detailed analytical piece about the GDP and Bull Fucking Run.  Dude.  Get to it.

9:15 - I have no idea what this guy is saying.  No immediate hook.   However, a group of hookers I just charged to Lampoon came in.  Thank you Zaller.

9:17 - The bank bailout was about as popular as a “root canal.” And it felt like bathing in a Roto-Rooter built septic tank.

9:21 - President Obama thought he’d get applause for education ideals. No. Fuck education.

9:23 - One and a half million jobs by the end of the year. Let me tell you what kind of “jobs” these are. Very similar to the job I’m getting right now courtesy of National Lampoon as I write this masterpiece.

9:25 - A jobs bill. Who woulda’ thunk it? It’s a bill. For jobs. GENIUS!

9:27 - Cut to Rep. Boehner.  He’s orange.

9:30 - Obama floats some isolationist-style rhetoric concerning jobs that get shipped out of the country.  He wants to keep them here.  Doesn’t he realize the benefits of undocumented maids who work for dirt cheap and have balloon fetishes?

9:31 -  “GRIDLOCK!”  I’d like to give a shout out, to my dead homeboy Admiral Stockdale.

9:32 -  President Obama will not stand for second place.  He will start with “serious financial reforms.”

Obama continues: “A strong market, where we control your mind and eat partial-birth abortions, is critical to a more perfect Union.”

9:36  Health care?  What the hell is that?

9:37:  A little bit of booing from the G.O.P. it seemed when Obama dared broach the subject of the environment.  I must agree with Republicans here.  The environment sucks ass.  Like, we should kill the environment.  Shoot it.

9:40  Teaching math and science to students.  That would seem a noble pitch from POTUS.  Unless you talk with Sarah Palin.  Who is against photosynthesis and molecules.

9:41 - “Community colleges?”  Sorry if this comes off as intellectually snobbish, but don’t those kids eat paste and shit?  Be honest Mr. President.

9:43 - “We Need Health Care Reform.” FINALLY

9:45 - President Obama thanks his wife, who has her arms covered this evening.  That’s important to note.

9:46 - What a guy!  President Obama takes the blame for not explaining things clearly.  Free advice sir:  You could spell this thing out in stick figures and help the universe without a harm to a soul, and it would still make you Hitler on HGH to your detractors.

9:50 - President Obama is “just stating the facts.’  “Facts.”  Again, a problem.  Facts no longer exist.  YOU LIE!

9:52 - “Going through the budget.  Line by line.”  Yeah.  Talk dirty Big Daddy.

9:54 - While President Obama tackles DADT, Stem cell research, slight economic issues, the war in Iraq, Afghanistan, terrorism, and weed, I have time for a short break.  In the meantime, Conservative Teabagging blowhards can debate the merits of a “Freeze” and its relationship to climate change.

9:55 - President Obama: “Let’s try common sense.”  One honest chuckle in the chamber.

9:59 - Ahh yes.  The nasty Supreme Court opinion on finance reform and First Amendment concerns.  Pretty soon, you’ll be watching The State Of The Union from Kibble’s n’ Bits Puppy Chow Presents: The Capitol.

10:00 -  Obama criticizes obstructionism.  I disagree.

10:02 -  “I won’t give up.”  It’s nice to see the president lifting lines from the corpse of Jimmy V.

10:03 - President Obama states he’s looking forward to meeting with Republican leaders.  Sort of like a promiscuous call girl who doesn’t use protection looks forward to an AIDS test.

10:06 - Terror!  USA USA USA USA

10:0something…  Iraq.  “Make no mistake.  This war is ending.”  Unless you count the people still waging war there.

10:08 - JOE BIDEN APPRECIATION LINE.  For the record.

10:09 - The president delineates how he is some kind of mash-up of JFK and Reagan.  What does that mean?  We have a president who’s gonna bang a lot of dames and forget about it?

10:09 - Yes.  Working with Muslims on education.  That line plays to the demographic in Alabama.

10:12 - The Iron Sheik weighs in on Twitter:  “president obama is not like the gay leno. he respect the sheik. I am happy to be in the Los Angeles this weekend. Fuck hulk hogan.”

10:15 - POTUS calls for an end to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” because it’s the “right thing to do.”  How gay is that?

10:17 - Something, something, “change.”  The Republicans will probably be honorable and not use that in any way, shape, or form against Obama.  In fact, people will start working together.  Yes.  I feel it.  I can feel the love… [insert cliche conservative joke -->] tingling up my leg.  Buwahahaha.  That was funny.  Tingling.

10:20 - Obama begins to chant, “USA, USA, USA.”  Out of no where, Rudy runs in wearing his Notre Dame uniform and carries the President off on his shoulders.  Wow!

What a speech.  What a dramatic ending.  Rudy!  I mean, did you ever think Rudy would storm the Capitol and cause such a fiasco?  Best State Of The Union of all time.  It RAWKED.

USA USA USA USA

10:30 - The Republican response.  Old McDpnnell had a tumor.

10:31 - Check it out.  The Republican Response manged to fit a black chick in the frame.  Maybe that will help the way our country thinks of Republicans and their honest relationships with African Americans — like Chairman Steele.

10:34 - HA HA!  McDonnell mentioned Twitter and Facebook and got a few laughs.  Those rascally Republicans and their cyber jokes.  Crazy I tell ‘ya.

10:35 -  Roger Six Four Five Niner.  Black peoples on camera with the G.O.P.

10:39 - We should not protect terrorists.  That’s fucking genius I agree, but, can we put that dude’s dong in the National Archives?  Technically, that’s a body part we’d be protecting.  For posterity.

Never forget.

9/11

9/11

9/11

9/11

4/15

4 8 15 16 23 42

10:40 - “God Bless America.”  — Unknown

***

Well, what did you think?  Will President Obama save the planet?  Who is this slappy gentile named McDonnell?  Will Minority Leader Boehner ever get laid?   Will he ever have a change in tone?  Tune in next year.  Same Bat-Time.  Same Bat-Channel.