Dear Zaz,

I’m so confused… the me of twenty years ago wants to get hard but just got reminded that even cougars die of old age in the wild. Not to mention that twenty years ago I was only in the preliminary stages of achieving full erection.

Usually any nip slip, lip leak, panty flash - all wardrobe malfunctions excite me but this one is tricky. I still romanticize Suzanne Somers as herself from Three’s Company re-runs and even as a MILF in Step-By-Step EVEN THOUGH I SAW in the video was the 62 year old’s panty flash. I wanted to like it but knew I CAN’T!

She looked well maintained but I question whether or not she still needs to wax/shave or if once a woman reaches a certain age do they go bald down there? Is that kinda hot?? Granny fetishes are all the rage according to the porn industry…

The good thing about watching videos on the internet is the quality from the small screens is so bad you can manipulate your mind to see what it wants. So YOU SUCK YOU CRAPPY INTERNET VIDEO PLAYERS!!!! GET BETTER SO I DON’T CATCH MYSELF GETTING OFF TO A PANTY/ADULT DIAPER FLASH OF A FORMER SEX SYMBOL.

ALWAYS ANGRY,

MY NOSTALGIC OSCAR MEYER

Dear Zaz,

Why do people own dogs? Why? I don’t get it? If you can barely take care of yourself, why would you take it upon yourself to involve another life in which they’re responsible? On top of that, what’s the point of having a living animal inside your civilized human living quarters? You’re just opening the doors to having something that can’t clean up after itself nor contribute anything leave its hair, slobber, poop and pee all over for YOU to clean up… Suppose you have boatloads of money from being abrasive on HBO. Say that you could easily afford to buy a house and trainers and caregivers for a stupid pet, say a dog, to have it poop in the grass on the lawn of your acres of property. Let me ask you, WHY THE F#@K DO YOU LIVE IN A LOW-LIFE HOLLYWOOD APARTMENT???????????

That being said, F#@CKYOU Dane Cook!!!! Get a fucking house with your $$$$$$
Rich irresponsible schmuck!!!!

Always Angry,

Dane Cook’s Neighbor

Shaq, ask my daughter how your ass tastes…

Dear Zaz,

Shaq thinks I ruined his marriage? I was accused of rape cousin, bought my wife a $2 million dollar ring and we all good. Maybe if he Read More

http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid285859616/bclid294430730/bctid1624415603

Representing, Motherfuckers!

Dear Zaz,

I write to you from beyond the grave to share a very important message with a trifling ass bitch: Fuck Carlos Mencia, he single handedly killed hip-hop comedy. You can’t do that man! I know I’m old enough for Read More

Bitch under the keyboard is drinking my piss, son! She’s not old enough to drive!

Dear ZazReport dot COM,

For a moment there I thought it was ACCEPTABLE to use a 14 YEAR OLD GIRL as a pee-pee toilet. Wait. That IS okay? I can videotape it too? It’s encouraged? You mean I’m allowed to fill my bathroom with pubescent girls to use as PISS RECEPTACLES Read More

 Mirror Mirror on the wall, at least we’ve still got each other…

Dear Zaz,

Like, what happened? HELLO!!! What about Paris? Paris is still the hottest. Paris never had kids when all these other Hollywood C-words did, ughck. Love you Nicki!!!! J/K LOL. Paris never went to a psych ward or recovery program, right Brit? Paris went to jail because like, I’m just hardcore and stuff.

Yet Paris faded into obscurity like Boner from Growing Pains. Listen, Paris  is 85% of a Hollywood power couple. Paris came out with MY clothing line. Paris came out with MY fragrance for him and her. Paris came out with MY hair extensions (Paris tension). Paris has a line of mirrors that make you look totally HOT, like me. Paris came out with MY movie that alludes to Paris getting naked yet I don’t. Paris came out with MY movie that I get stuffed in, which B.T. DUBS is totally effing HOT!!!! OH AND Paris came out with MY new reality show like a few weekends ago and it’s not about being a BAD MOM… MY ME ME MY MY ME ME PARIS ME ME MY MY ME!

Stop playing hard to get America, like Paris gets it. Do I need to become BFF with Miley Cyrus to get your attention? Does she need to go to rehab before you take note of me again? I eat babies! Pay attention.

LIKE ALWAYS EFFING ANGRY,

P <3