Let’s put it this way – we here at National Lampoon are hardcore interviewers. If you can get through one of our interviews unscathed… Well, let’s just say people compare me to Walter Cronkite. (No one says that. Yes they do. No. YES! Shit - I need to stop talking to myself.)

I put my questions about politics, sex, dating advice, jobs, rapping, the Olfactory glands and shoe sniffing urges to the test with David Faustino. He’s a cool dude, funny and isn’t ready to fade away from the Hollywood light. And you need to check out his new show “Star-ving” on Sony’s www.Crackle.com.

Onto the interview…

Q: Before I start off – I’d like to let you know that I’m known as a shitty interviewer.

(INSERT AWKWARD PAUSE.)

A: Okay.

Q: My readers at National Lampoon are dying to know - what is your stance on the President of the United States going to Cairo?

A: I think it’s great for our public relations. I’m glad he’s doing it. I think it’s a really wise move.

*Note to readers: I don’t know why I asked that question.

Q: In a hypothetical bizarro world - what would Bud Bundy be doing today? Job, dating status, etc.?

A: He’d probably be. Um… I think he’d be a bit more successful. He’d probably own a shoe store – oppose to just working in one. He’d probably be married but trying to still get laid, you know?

Q: Most actors/actresses claim they’re a method actor - were you one with Bud Bundy? More specifically, would you go out and get thrown across a room and slapped/turned down/made fun of by women to replicate an honest scene as Bud?

Read More

I’m back from my depression vacation and would like to thank my parents fans for e-mailing me wondering if my haterade had been extinguished. Have no fear Mom and Dad fans, sure as Dick Cheney getting his first erection in years with the Iranian fetish porno called “I take it in the Waterboard” - my haterade keeps spreading like the Williamsburg hipster herpes bandit - spreading to a city near you one case at a time.

STUD OF THE WEEK:

We were sent a picture of The Zaz’s number ONE fan. Straight from the old town of Krasnoyarsk in Siberia, our proud fan, Olaf, wanted to send a ‘hello’  via his 56k modem. It took Olaf six hours to upload the photo. So, world - meet Olaf. His favorite movie is “Three Men and a Little Lady” and he has mad cow milking skills. He’s also the first person in his village to have the internet and a virgo who likes long walks on the Trans-Siberian Railway.

Douchebag of the Week:

The father of “Slumdog Millionaire” actress Rubina Ali - attempted to sell his daughter on the black market of adoption for $400,000 cash. Madonna would have easily shelled out a cool million. What an idiot - he could have totally held out for more.

I mean, black market adoption is not cool.  Just say no to black market adoption.

GIRL I’D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH OF THE WEEK:

Believe it or not - I’d like to have sex with Kathy Griffin.  If she and I did the nasty, it would be like a concoction of Cheetos, Fabreeze, Steve Guttenberg and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

And now, she’s strutting her stuff in bikinis everywhere. And even though she’s a transexual, with the lights out, I wouldn’t really know the difference. Unless her erection poked me in the stomach.

Reasons for Kathy Griffin to sleep with me:

1.) I had a two year stint in the Bloods - including an underground bare-knuckle fight with Tupac Shakur. 

2.) I was a champion breakdancer off of 149^th street in the Bronx. I specialized in the corkscrew, coffee grinder, side slide, belly swim, elbow airchair, mummies, nutcracker and the eggbeater.

3.)  I was in a Chasidic Jewish boy band called the “MISHEGAS MENTSH BOYS OF CHUTZPAH.”  Our single “The Dreidel of our Life” was number 436 in Ireland.

Kathy Griffin - let’s have a night of sex followed by a morning of regret and Captain Crunch cereal. 

BEST NEWS OF THE WEEK:

That pathetic woman Countess from the Housewives of New York got dumped VIA E-MAIL by her husband. From the New York Post, Luann — whose book, “Class With the Countess,” comes out next month — has told friends that, no matter what, “I will always be the countess.”  

And I answer to that - HAHAHAHAHAHA. And - MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH. And - Ha. 

THE TRUTH OF THE WEEK:

A few years back in West Lothian, I was taking a little vacation when I found out that my pet squirrel, Adolph, had passed away because I forgot he was my pet and I left him in a shoebox with no ventilation. Regardless, I was upset and had a little too much to drink. Seventeen shots of tequila and 650 Guinness drafts later - I ran into Susan Boyle and thought she was that chick from the movie “Adventures in Babysitting.” 

I woke up that next morning to a naked Boyle trying to get to third base with me. When I told her I thought she was that chick from “Adventures in Babysitting” and that I had a lot to drink - she sang me the song ‘Cry me a River.’

(When looking at the picture - please stand ten feet back)

*Daniel Harris Baer is a screenwriter based in New York City. Any hate mail - please send to www.TexasGOP.org.

STUD OF THE WEEK:

Singer Elvis Crespo: Merengue star was accused of going number THREE on a flight from Houston bound for Miami. In case you’re wondering what a number three is - I’ll phrase it delicately. It means JACKING OFF.

An example in the head of Crespo may have been something like this: “It’s so small in the bathroom, so I’ll tug it in my seat with my red blankey,” or “My IPOD battery is low and I’m going to get so bored - I think I’ll masturbate on this airplane.”

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK:

Alex Rodriguez: The Yankees third baseman who sucks in October as a person has been named as a hobbyist in Madam Kristin Davis’ personal and business life. Also, A-ROD booked hookers using his real name in a touristy Four Seasons Manhattan hotel.

A-ROD thought he was being discrete.

I mean, I guess one could mistake Manhattan as a small town with anonymity – if you are retarded. (Obama made it cool lingo to talk about retards on Jay Leno, so - do as your President, right?) 

A-ROD – some advice: Grow a mustache.

*Most people won’t understand the mustache advice. However, I am a fan of mustaches and think that every man and woman should be required by law to have a giant handlebar mustache.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK:

Kathy Griffin: She is shown lifting her skirt and showing the world that she has a small ginger cock. I wonder if her carpet matches the drapes – you know what I’m saying, dog? Damn, I’m feeling gangster. (For purposes I’m not smart enough to entertain - I cannot use the actual picture of her.)

REASON TO BECOME BULIMIC THIS WEEK:

Cloris Leachman (Actress and ruiner of erections worldwide) tells all in her new book about her sexual escapade with Gene Hackman.

Here’s a preview from the New York Post: “As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together,” Leachman writes. “We didn’t finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven’t seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was.”

*Disclaimer – This is for entertainment purposes only. I love ginger heads, retards, bulimics, Cloris Leachman and people with mustaches. 

Daniel Harris Baer is a screenwriter based in New York City. Any complaints, send your hate mail to www.PalinforAmerica.com

It was like watching a good old street fight – if you have a fetish for street fights with a deaf and blind ballerina fighting a juiced-up on steroids Mike Tyson.

That was Jim Cramer versus Jon Stewart on the Daily Show Thursday night. Cramer, or better known by the millions of people he’s caused to be fiscally handicapped, ‘THAT BALD MOTHER EXPLETIVE, EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE SH&T OF EXPLETIVE,’ got eaten like a piece of expensive flank steak and spit out like a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget.

Cramer pranced onto stage, smiling, sleeves rolled up, hoping it would be more like a tea party between Screech and Mr. Rogers. However, in reality, instead of Mr. Rogers and tea – it was more like a meeting with Tony Soprano using his automatic machine guns.

Cramer got WHACKED and dumped into the East River and now resides with the likes of Tucker Carlson.

It was like watching a car crash in slow motion – except with no sympathy. NAY, it was more like that dream of yours coming true about your ex-girlfriend exuding happiness Gonorrhea.

If Katie Couric won the Walter Cronkite Award for her interview with Sarah Palin – Jon Stewart should win the Pulitzer Prize for the lashing he unleashed on Jim Cramer.

All that was left of Cramer was a few less hairs on his head and the residue of perspiration from his armpits permanently stained to his blue button down.

This was real journalism by the very guy Cramer referred to as an ‘Entertainer’ who has a ‘Variety’ show.  CNBC be warned. Jon Stewart is yo’ Daddy and when Daddy gets angry – someone’s gonna get a spanking.

*For the entire interview between Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer - go to www.thedailyshow.com and check it out.

*Daniel Harris Baer is a screenwriter based in New York City.