WARNING: The film in question had very gruesome, disturbing elements in it, which I will be describing for comedic effect.  Go on and stop now if you might be offended by that sort of thing.
Who walks by a cheese grater and says “Wow.  That would be awesome to scrape that on some girl’s face!”?  Who saw Vince promoting the Slap Chop before he beat up a hooker and thought, “Wow.  I bet that would do a number on a chick’s nipple.”?  Who thinks “You know what would make a girl …

Sometimes… you should know better.
“Ordering one of each from the Taco Bell menu seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“I never dreamed I would get Chlamidia from sleeping with Courtney Love!!”
“Maybe killing the little sister of the giant, crazy dude who has fits of rage and hears voices wasn’t the best idea…”
And that bad idea was the catalyst for the Texas film Jacob, following in a long tradition of killing people off.  From Leatherface to the death penalty to JFK.  We kill ‘em right down here.
Jacob (Dylan Horne) is …

Austin High.  The acting was a little over the top.  The story had multiple subplots that failed to materialize.  Most sets appeared to be the same room with just a different colored felt backdrop.  Half of the jokes didn’t work.  And it was awesome.
Oh to have watched that movie totally blitzed.
When dealing with films like Half Baked, Nice Dreams, Harold & Kumar or Schindler’s List, you can’t worry if the script follows Robert McKee’s story points to a T.  This movie wasn’t made for Roger Ebert or any film snob. …

There are certain times when, as a reviewer, a movie comes along that gets your excitement up to 11.  You try to remain impartial and go into a film with a blank slate and no previous biases, but sometimes its just impossible.  And when I go to my mail and I see the Unrated Director’s Cut of Kate & Leopold in there, I get all giddy.  Because you know what they’re implying when they say “Unrated Director’s Cut.”
Rampant nudity.
I had not see the Rated version of Kate & Leopold, but …

As we have already established…  I am The Authority.
Being one of such vast knowledge and in demand analysis, it would be selfish of me to keep that criticism all to myself.  This is the first of a regular column critiquing films, DVD/Blu-Rays and Beef Related Products.  I could half ass it and rate these items on a 1-10 scale or thumbs up or down or A-F.  But here at the Lampoon, we don’t half ass rating films.  Just making them.
In my many years of watching films, I have come to …

There are common people. There are the 99%. There are legions who are being marketed to. Being targeted by advertising. But they know you don’t trust “them.” The advertisers. That’s because their profession is built upon trying to convince you through any means to buy their product. Their inherent nature is to falsely try to convince you that their product which costs X to make is worth you paying X plus an additional amount. They don’t care about what you like. …

With the race tightening to secure the GOP nomination for the 2012 Presidential Election, all eyes have been focusing on Newt Gingrich versus Mitt Romney with all other candidates having fallen by the wayside.  Herman Cain has fallen due to a Clinton-eque Bimbo eruption, Ron Paul can’t get taken seriously and the others never really stood a chance.  It seems a given at this point that it will either be Gingrich or Romney facing off against Barack Obama next November. But while many have written off Texas Governor Rick Perry …

When the machine sent back a killer cyborg and humanity could send back one man with no weapons…
they sent back this man:

When they fought one acid-blooded alien, they brought in Tom Skerritt…
But when they had to fight 50, the brought in this man:

When they needed someone to strike fear into the hearts of Snake Plissken AND Batman…
They brought in this man:

Before Wesley Snipes was a tax evader, he was a bad ass who slaughtered vampires.
And during the height of his bad-assedness, when they needed a top-of-the-line hard ass
(Yeah, there is …

(Click the above to Enlarge)
“That dude is such a douche bag.”
“Why?”
“…”
Sometimes its hard to quantify insults.  What makes someone an asshole?  Usually its intangible or a history of things difficult to summarize within the average statute of limitations of insult justification.  Sometimes its easy.
“He’s an asshole.”
“Why?”
“He pooped on my lawn.”
And yes, that does sound like an asshole.  But Douchebag is harder to quantify.  A douchebag a lot of times isn’t mean.  A lot of times isn’t rude.  But there’s just something about their character that instantly gives them away.  But …

Rupert Murdoch. Media mogul. Hard line business man. Sad, misunderstood soul?
Rupert Murdoch, best known as the man behind Fox News, is currently embroiled in a lawsuit which stems from a multitude of illegal phone hacks on prominent athletes, celebrities, politicians and public figures. It all culminated with a pie in the face today. Perhaps the lowest point for this media giant. So many questions revolve around what he did, how long he did it and who he did it to. Just like the …