Just Coming Right Out and Saying It… Twilight Kid Creeps Me Out (The Repost!)

November 20th, 2009 by Garrett Hargrove

(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

What If The “Saved By The Bell” Kids Were In A Horror Film…?

October 26th, 2009 by Garrett Hargrove

Its Halloween time. Time when we’re inundated with horror films released in the theaters and DVD. Horror films (mainly slasher-horror) are defined by a serial killer slashing up a diverse group of teens while they work out their internal issues. One of the most popular diverse teen groups of the 1990’s was the crew from “Saved By The Bell”. We got to watch as the group of cool kids in blinding neon colors went from Junior high to high school to college to a Vegas wedding (to relative obscurity). Through the 5 years they were on TV, we got to see them tackle nearly every situation. Jealous, bad grades, drug addiction, sports and love. But never homicidal maniacs.

Horror films often utilize cliche characters and exploit that characteristics for the purposes of the plot. Using the characteristics of Bayside’s finest, here is my guess at how the kids would fare in a horror film:

Zack Morris
Age: 18
Character Archetype: Possible Noble Hero, Smart Ass, Blonde Guy, Preppy
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

Josh Hartnett (Halloween H20: 20 Years Later)
- Fate: Both with a strong emphasis on dated hair styles, survived the 1998 Michael Myers attack. He apparently then dumped his Mom into a sanitarium where she got killed by Myers a few years later.
Luke Perry (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
- Fate: Lives and bangs the cheerleader.
Eric Balfour (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
- Fate: Eric and his overly long face and disemboweled by Leatherface. He then went on to be mixed with some stewed tomatoes, bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese to make a nice casserole for the Leatherface family.
Jerry O’Connell (Scream 2)
- Fate: Shot by Timothy Olyphant. Went on to marry Rebecca Romijn and said “To hell with acting! I get to bang Mystique!!!”

Notes: He’s the most likely to evolve in a dire situation from the comic relief to a strong leader. He also had that fifty pound cell phone he could use as a weapon. BUT… he could sacrifice himself to save Kelly. A lot of this depends upon the focus of the film. If Zack is the primary focus, then he’s pretty safe. But if the focus falls to a female heroine as it often does, he probably should go on and cancel that summer job at Malibu Sands Beach Club. It should be noted that he was also the lead singer of the hit band “Zack Attack”.
Likelihood of Survival: 73%

AC Slater
Age: 19
Character Archetype: The Jock, Rival of the Hero
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

Rhino (Shocker)
- Fate: Peter Berg’s running back football friend is super loyal despite a psycho coming after him. Rhino survives Mitch Pleggi and is African American. Leaving an African American alive was thought to be too bold a statement for a 1989 horror film and forced this film to be forgotten by time.
Ryan Phillippe (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
- Fate: Killed while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a beauty pageant.
Carter Horton (Final Destination)
- Fate: Just when you thought he was OK… he got hit by a sign.
The Boxer Dude (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
- Fate: Head punched off when he boxes with Jason

Notes: Not a lot of complexity here. He’s the brute force of the group. Its likely at some point, he will try to man up and take down the villain by force. By having a crazy girlfriend (Jessie), he is definitely at risk of getting himself hurt trying to keep her out of harm’s way. His best chance of success is to be the brute force, but get injured early. Then he becomes a major hindrance to the rest of the group as they try to lug around his injured body, which allows some of the others in the group to get picked off (LL COol J in Deep Blue Sea, Michael Biehn in Aliens).
Likelihood of Survival: 38%

Kelly Kapowski
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Cheerleader, The Popular Girl, The Love Interest
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Schindler’s List)
- Fate: Evolved from simple cheerleader to super heroine.
Neve Campbell (Scream trilogy)
- Fate: Survived all the way through, but lost boyfriends at a rapid pace.
Jessica Alba (Idle Hands)
- Fate: Lives. Dress ripped off.
The Redhead chick (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge)
- Fate: The girlfriend of the lead guy… she saves him with her love. Yes, there’s a reason why its known as “that shitty one” in the Freddy Krueger film series.
The Sheriff’s Daughter (Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives)
- Fate: After hooking up with Tommy Jarvis and becoming the love interest, she survives despite watching her father be crushed by Jason. I hope they have some sort of support group for people who watched their friends and family mutilated by Jason Voorhees.
Jennifer Love Hewitt (I Know What You Did Last Summer & undetermined number of sequels)
- Fate: Survived all the way through, but had to act opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. for two films.

Notes: This, like Zack, is totally dependent upon the focus they set in the film. If Zack is the lead and she is his true love, then there’s a chance, she could die. Its not likely, but there’s a chance. If she’s the virtuous heroine, then she’s a lock for the sequel. The cheerleader thing works against her, because the stereotypical cheerleader behavior is snotty and shallow and prone to dying, even though she wasn’t like that in the show. The thing that really works in her favor… she’s not a good enough actress to have a believable and moving death scene.
Likelihood of Survival: 92%

Screech Powers
Age: 17
Character Archetype: The Geek, The Annoying Character, The Sidekick
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

Tommy Jarvis (Friday the 13th 4, 5 & 6)
- Fate: Killed Jason in Part 4, Killed a person imitating Jason in Part 5, accidentally resurrected Jason on Part 6, then drowned him at the end of Part 6. This is the only chance Screech has. Be so weird and squirrely that the villain can’t get their hands on him. Then he saves the day, but then accidentally screws it up and brings the killer back to life. I’m surprised that wasn’t already a SBTB episode.
Linderman (Freddy Vs. Jason)
- Fate: Dies from a puncture wound after the sexy African American girl he likes finally gives him the time of day. They may as well use this scene and photoshop Lark Voorhies and Dustin Diamond’s faces over the other actor’s faces.
Shelly (Friday the 13th Part 3)
- Fate: While playing around with a hockey mask scaring the other kids, Shelly has his throat slashed and Jason takes his iconic hockey mask.
Jamie Kennedy (Scream trilogy)
- Fate: mutilated in a van after taunting the ghostface killer

Notes: Looking back, he had some of the most cringe-worthy lines in the series. He was awkward, unathletic, loud and clumsy. All bad traits if you want to survive a horror film. Geeks don’t have the best records in horror films also. They usually signal a turning point in the film. While they’re around, they deliver the comic relief. Then, once the geek’s friends find them dead, they know its for real and its a fast and furious dash for survival.
Likelihood of Survival: 12%

Lisa Turtle
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Shallow Valley Girl, The African American character, The Rich Girl
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

Sarah Michelle Gellar (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
- Fate: She is hooked to death. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts survive, though.
Kelly Rowland (Freddy vs. Jason)
- Fate: What Hollywood always does to pretty young African American women in horror films.
Vain Blonde Chick (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
- Fate: While admiring herself in the mirror, Jason smashes her face into the mirror then kills her with a piece of it. Oh what beautiful irony you create, Jason.
Elise Neal (Scream 2)
- Fate:Failed to see the dude in the black gown with a knife standing right beside her and she got her throat slit.

Notes: Let’s face it. Horror films have not been kind to the African American community. Even in Scary Movie, written and directed by the Wayans family, no African Americans survived. Horror films have also been equally as unkind to the vain, the rich and the ditzy. She’s also had a history of being really cruel to the awkward kid.
Likelihood of Survival: 0%

Jessie Spano
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Nerd, The Feminist/Activist, The One Who Freaks Out, The Drug Addict (in her case, addicted to caffeine pills)
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

The Animal Activists at the Beginning of 28 Days Later
- Fate: They let loose zombie monkeys who presumably turned them into zombie activists.
Schoute Sisters (Sleepaway Cap 2)
- Fate: After being caught toking up, they are burned alive by Bruce Springsteen’s sister.
Punky Junkie (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)
- Fate: OD’ed on Freddy’s fingers.
Jenna Jameson (Zombie Strippers)
- Fate: To have a higher rated and grossing stripper film than Elizabeth Berkely did.
Jack Black (I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer)
- Fate: Drug Addict Jack Black playing a white Rastafarian dude stabbed to death with lawn equipment.

Notes: Her obsessive compulsiveness led her to take Caffeine pills. Caffeine Pills led to her life as a stripper. Her life as a stripper led to a Razzie award as Worst Actress. There is no hope with dope.
Likelihood of Survival: 27%

Mr. Belding
Age: 42
Character Archetype: Educator, Dorky Authority Figure
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

Dewey (Scream trilogy)
- Fate: Even though he was stabbed dozens of times, he lived. And got to be with Courteney Cox. There is no justice in this world.
Professor Lowe (Jason X)
- Fate: After reanimating a frozen Jason, Professor Lowe decides Jason is simply iriitated that he doesn’t have his machete. He gives it back to him. Survey says… bad idea!
The Fonz (Scream trilogy)
- Fate: Stabbed to death and strung up on the flag pole. Obviously after jumping the shark

Notes: His character type, the clear outsider to the core group, the dorky authority figure, the teacher, all point to him dying. Or being the killer himself. After years of putting up with Zack’s mischief, it finally makes him crack and he starts picking them off one by one. And in that case, he dies in the end. Or, best case scenario… we see him for a few minutes in the beginning at school, then never see him again and he’s totally not integral to the plot at all.
Likelihood of Survival: 17%

How it Goes Down… (After the jump)

America’s Certificate of Completion: Zombie Survival

October 12th, 2009 by Garrett Hargrove

With the incredible success of the horror/comedy film, Zombieland, America has finally passed their National Zombie Survival Certification Course. Unbeknownst to the public, they have been taking part in a training course to prepare them for the possibility that the undead may some day over run the country or planet. Per wikipedia, there have been 540 films created regarding Zombies. Starting with the 1932 Bela Lugosi film, White Zombie, we began the subliminal training for this potential horrible evolution to man kind. It was deemed sufficient training by the major industrial nations of the world. To verify that we had learned the lessons of White Zombie, a zombie simulation was performed at the start of 1933.

Chaos broke out. There were riots, people tossing themselves out of buildings. It was a horrible tragic failure. That time came to be known as The Great Depression. Even though some unrelated financial situations at the time have, in recent times, hijacked the importance of that period, President Franklin D. Roosevelt saw what could result if a real zombie apocalypse occurred. FDR begun work on investment in major motion pictures to further educate the public on handling a zombie-tastrophy.

Unable to convince the public of the need for the US Government to produce films about the undead eating people’s gall bladders, FDR buried monies to produce said films in complex legislation called “The New Deal.” The plan was sold to the people as “Hey! We’re giving money to old people! How could anyone be against that? You don’t need to read the bill!” And the funds to produce the zombie films passed congress without incident and without the public’s knowledge. 21 Zombie films were produced from 1933-1965. The American people are fast learners. There was NO doubt now that they knew how to identify and handle a zombie situation. A focus group was conducted in Dallas in November of 1963. Amongst the questions asked to panelists were:

How do you kill a zombie?
How do zombies turn other people into zombies?
How would you know if President Kennedy had turned into a Zombie?

The focus group was deemed a failure when one of the people in the group failed to identify characteristics that would indicate President Kennedy turned into a zombie. That panelist did, unfortunately properly answer and demonstrate the answer to question #1 in that focus group. After the inevitable cover-up to distance the government’s influence over President Kennedy’s assassin, it was determined that drastic measures were needed to help the public identify zombies in ALL situations.

In 1965, another set of programs were enacted to “Fight the War on Poverty” called “The Great Society.” Looking back through the prism of history and the lack of any results, it is now evident that this bill in no way strived to fight poverty, but instead flood the wave of 500+ zombie films that have been produced since. Initially helmed by Zombie expert George Romero, this latest wave of zombie films was designed to cover every possibility should a zombie apocalypse occur. These films helped people now identify all variations of zombies including:

Fast Zombies
Slow Zombies
Zombie Strippers
Zombie Chickens
Nazi Zombies
Zombie Gangbangers
Zombie Mekhi Phifer
Your Mom is a zombie
Your Dad is a zombie
Random scary children are zombies
You’re the fresh prince of bel-air and your dog becomes a bad cgi zombie
Michael Jackson… as a zombie
British Zombies
Kung Fu Zombies
Redneck Zombies
Montague and Capulet Zombies

and of course…

Zombie Cheerleaders

America was once again polled and we were deemed ready for Zombies to attack. Below are the results of America’s Zombie Certification Evaluation (After the break):

Last Chance to Vote for the Worst Song Ever!

October 6th, 2009 by Garrett Hargrove

It started with extensive research and 32 songs emerged. The people spoke and 16 were left standing! (Assume I wrote three more NCAA Tournament Broadcast-worthy lines here.) And now two remain…

Straight out of Los Angeles, California… residing on the US Pop Charts for over two months… clocking in at over 2 million downloads on iTunes… it has been called “the musical equivalent of a bad Farrelly Brothers movie”… My Humps!!!!

And the challenger… hailing from Nashville, Tennessee… a breakthrough crossover hit on both the Country and Pop charts in the United States… the reason people hate country music… so bad it was passed over by the Oak Ridge Boys… Achy Breaky Heart!!!

And now its up to YOU to decide which one is the worst song of all time. How do you let us know here at the Zaz what your vote is? There are several ways!

Option A:

Send an email to thatsongiscrap@gmail.com (yes its real). And vote for which ones you want to go on to the next crappy round. Sample email:

Mr. Zaz Report,
In order to sway your vote I am going to intoxicate you with my female cleavage and female bottom. Aw. Who am I kidding. I don’t care if our song loses this contest and is officially deemed the worst song ever. I just wrote this for you. Because I am drunk. Drunk on your lovely gentleman humps. You drive this Fergie crazy. You do it on the daily. I’ll treat you really nicely. I’ll buy you a Cherry Icee. Playstation with the Blu-Ray. I’ll buy you one every day. Tickets to the big game. I want to be your Dame.

Anyway. Here is my vote. CHECK IT OUT!:

Achy Breaky Heart

Fergalicious

Option B:
Become a fan of The Zaz! Report on Facebook and post your votes as a comment on there. Fan page is here.

Option C:
Comment on this post. Feel free to use foul language, make fun of any celebrity you see fit or just post your votes. You have free reign over your comments. Go buck wild.

Option D:
Stalk a Zaz! Report Writer and tell them your vote!

Please have your votes in by October 10th and I’ll post the results and we can finally name one song the WORST SONG EVER!

Current Vote Totals…

My Humps Achy Breaky Heart

32 13

Let’s take a more detailed look at the two songs (after the break):

Scream 4 Coming Soon!

September 25th, 2009 by Garrett Hargrove

Someone has taken their love for this long dead franchise too far…

Scream came along right when the horror genre was being labeled “Dead” and on the way out. We’d seen every cliche, every character mistake and knew how horror films should work. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (Halloween Part 6) came out a short time before and bombed critically and financially. They’d run out of ways to make characters stupid enough to wander away from the sanctity of the group to be hacked up by the killer shrouded in darkness. In short, people grew tired of watching kids make mistakes that anyone who had seen any horror movie would never make.

Then came along a young talented screenwriter named Kevin Williamson who had a dynamic script that had people we could relate to. They’d seen Halloween. They knew the pitfalls. And they still got butchered. It also presented situations that could happen and were real. It had engaging characters and fun twists. When horror icon Wes craven signed on to bring this script to life, magic happened. They marketed the movie around star Drew Barrymore, then had the balls to kill her off in one of the most memorable opening scenes in any movie ever. They sell you on the idea that you’ll get to follow Drew Barrymore through the film and then throw a curveball at you and take her from you right off the bat. So then you have no clue what to expect from that point on. The genre was brought back to life with Drew Barrymore’s mutilated corpse.

Then came part 2. It was the dawn of the “internet rumors” era. They did all they could to keep the identity of the killer hidden. The last 10 pages were also printed on grey paper, therefore making them unable to be illicitly Xeroxed. All cast members had to sign contracts that they would not discuss the movie’s outcome or the killer’s identity with the media. And it worked. People flocked even with the rambling ending in which the killer had to go on a five minute monologue explaining who the killer was and why she did what she did.

Then, for the third film… no one really cared. They hinted that no one was safe. Even Sidney (Neve Campbell)! Anyone could die! Then they copped out. They didn’t have the same balls they had when they killed Drew Barrymore in the first film. It was kind of a mess and in the end, the killer had to go back and explain he was the root of all problems in part one, why he was relevant, yata, yata, yata. It was like 40 minutes of the 116 minutes. They even had Jay and Silent Bob in it. Just a train wreck. The movie did OK in the box office, but all seemed to agree it had run its course and it was time to cash out. With Campbell a big star, Jamie Kennedy the next big funnyman, Craven’s career resurrected and a writer with limitless potential in Williamson, they all decided it was best to explore other avenues that were opened to them by the success of this franchise.

When they found that everyone’s avenues had “Dead End” signs at the end of them, it was time to sell out and come back to the cash cow. A decade after the lackluster Scream 3, the cast and crew are set to return for another battle with the Ghostface Killer. David Arquette and Courteney Cox already signed on. Courteney is currently starring in the yet-to-be-canceled TV Show “Cougar Town.” David is currently married to the lead of “Cougar Town.” Though filming a TV show typically takes a lot of time in an actor’s schedule, Cox signed on fully confident that her schedule should clear up by the time that filming should commence.

The big Scream 4 news is that Neve Campbell is taking a break from Direct-to-DVD movies to return to the Scream franchise. Campbell was initially reluctant to return to face the Ghostface Killer again, for she would have to take a break from obscurity, making movies that people will never see and SAG minimum wages.

Wes Craven has shown tepid excitement for reviving the Scream series saying: “I’m not closed to it, I’m not open to it, I’ll be perfectly happy to read a script and tell Bob what I think.” Wes had to be bribed with another project being greenlit in order to sign onto Scream 3 and the results on screen showed it. With such enthusiasm, how could it not be a smash hit?

Let’s recap the series and hypothesize the 4th entry(after the break):

Worst Song Ever CHAMPIONSHIP!!! (With Running Totals)

September 10th, 2009 by Garrett Hargrove