Monday, September 19 – Comedy Central will host the “Roast of Charlie Sheen” (10/9c)! And of course, we at National Lampoon couldn’t wait to fire off a few hot rocks ourselves. So check out the Roast! Here’s our contribution:
1.) We say a lot of mean things, but thanks to Charlie Sheen, a whole generation of prostitutes’ children will be able to go to college. That or their Mother’s will just buy a bunch of crack. Who knows!
2.) I’m not sure if you knew this, but Charlie was in Wall Street – on …

OUR HEADLINES:
-Polar Bear Attacks Hikers in Norway (and He Didn’t Even Give them a Coca-Cola)
-Rapper Big Boi arrested with Ecstasy and Viagra – What, no Love Below, Big Boi?
-Ted Danson Finds Skull in the Woods (Maybe That’s Where they Buried His Career)
-August 6th, 1991: The First Website is Launched, It’s Dancing Hamsters & Porn
-45000 Verizon Workers on Strike! Signs Read: Can you hear me now, a**hole?
[Verizon's CEO could not be reached for comment since his Phone gets Shitty Reception]
WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK:
“Cheadle Plays Spoof Genital Spa Boss In New …

This past week I got the chance to meet up with the cast and crew of “Jersey Shore: The Musical” (opening July 22 at Studio BE in Chicago).  For those of you just tuning in, you heard me correctly – someone’s making a musical based on the reality-TV show, “Jersey Shore” .
I sat down with Erin Lane and Matt Griffo of 4 Days Late Productions to talk about the Musical! They were nice enough to sing us preview from the show that MTV.com is calling: the “best or worst idea …

These are bits of wisdom that were * written/said by Anthony Bourdain during his travels around the world. For those of you who don’t know Mr. Bourdain, he’s the host of “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel and his opinions about life and global politics are known to cut straight to the bone with the subtlety of a chainsaw. These are * some of his uncensored thoughts that were too hot for TV.
*BOURDAIN QUOTES:
“Last time I was in Thailand I was watching a hooker do blow off a donkey’s cock. …

Being very good at our jobs, the staff of NationalLampoon.com has uncovered a whole bunch of ‘CSI: Miami’ footage that never made it to air. We scoured the cutting room floor, looked through all the unreleased material, and found some of our favorite one-liners from David Caruso (Det. Horatio Caine). Unfortunately, because the footage is technically “stolen”, we can only upload transcripts. So here they are.

INT. FISH MARKET – DAY
Horatio Caine pokes a nun’s corpse with a stick.
Caruso: “Three dead nuns?”
Horatio Caine takes his sunglasses off.
Caruso: “Something smells …

As I write this, it’s May 4th, 2011, and you know what that means! Only 241 days left until the apocalypse! So, with that in mind, here are a bunch of things that I’ll miss once the Squid-People kill us all.
1.) Beer
I’ll miss beer a lot. I really will… This is why I feel bad for recovering alcoholics – it’s like the world has already ended for them.
2.) My Penis
I know it’s not much to look at – but I love him and I’d miss it. (“My Penis” is also holding …

OUR HEADLINES:
-National Lampoon Jumps on Board the Cheap Charlie Sheen Jokes Bandwagon
-Charlie Sheen should be a Plumber; He Can Help You Deal with that Crack in your Pipe!
-Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t “tweet”; however her vagina does make a “flarble” noise
-Hitler only feels “mildly affectionate” toward fashion designer John Galliano
-Tiger claims it has Charlie Sheen Blood (terrified as it waits for the test result)
-March 6, 1972: Shaquille O’Neal is born; Mother’s Vagina is Irreparably Damaged
 
WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK (So Far):
“(Michael) Bay Directs Victoria’s Secret Advert Onboard ‘Haunted’ Ship”
or
“Shatner’s Kidney Stone Pays …

OK – there seems to be a lot of controversy surrounding Christina Aguilera’s remixed version of our national anthem from the SuperBowl. She got the words wrong during a highly televised event and now she’s the subject of flame wars all over the internet – luckily, she’s used to it. And, for some reason, a lot of people used this issue as a jumping off point to complain about “socialism” (often spelled with a ‘Z’).
So here are some quotes that I took from various comment sections related to the Aguilera …

OUR HEADLINES:
-Family Group Wants to Investigate Child Pornography (and MTV’s ‘Skins’)
-USA vs. Chile –International Football-Soccer Match-Game
-Dog Pisses Everywhere
-Snooki Writes A Book – Wow. She Can Read.
-Logical Flaws in “Weekend at Bernies” Anger Viewer
-Ivanka Trump Pregnant – Evolution, You Just Got Trumped
-Dog Carcass In Alley This Morning (It’s getting old. Need new mask – this one Smells)

WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK (So Far):
“Clooney is ‘Completely Over’ Malaria”
[Wow, WENN; way to insinuate that George Clooney is lying about not having malaria.]

COMMENTARY:
Paris Hilton’s boyfriend has been arrested for a DUI and Drug possession. …

So – the good people from Warm Milk Improv created a wonderful little online game called ‘Improv Heroes’. The game itself is a basic side scroller much like the little-known Nintendo franchise ‘Mario’. However, unlike that strange game with the italian man, here you have to dodge your own brain (which begin to follow you around), jump over lava and fight Charna Halpern (who throws dogs at you).
But here’s the really sweet part – you get to play as a series of famous improvisers. You can play as TJ Jagodowski, …