On Thiz Day: March 9th

142 BC through 1229 AD – After years of cultural evolution, Humans take a well-deserved break by doing absolutely nothing of interest on March 8th for 1,087 years.

1841 AD – The U.S. Supreme Court announces a verdict on the Amistad case, in which Jose Ruiz and Pedro Montez filed to have their slaves returned to them (in the same condition they were removed or with compensation for damages). The court rules the “passengers” were taken into slavery; the lawyer manages to dodge the whole “how is slavery legal” issue with a well-placed cough during his closing arguments.

1847 AD - The US Military launches it’s first large-scale amphibious assault against Veracruz, then marching inland to Mexico City. Mexicans eventually win this war; the U.S. retaliates by stealing all their recipes, bastardizing the food and selling it with fire sauce.

1933 AD – Franklin Delano Roosevelt submits the first of his “New Deal” policies to congress. The “Emergency Banking Act” (AKA. the “What the Hell Happened to Our Money?” Act) outlines plans to close down, reorganize and reopen banks in a stronger form (at a $2 million cost). Historians say, had the bill existed today, Fox News would have panned it and called FDR a communist.

When asked for a comparison of FDR and Obama, representatives of our research department here at National Lampoon stated: “I think one of them’s a black guy, right?”

Letters to a Tack, Vol. 2

Dear Travis,

I recently got a job working at the circus. I have a lot of jobs there; I sweep, I clean animals, it’s worked out well so far. but they’ve recently promoted me to a performer. I ride unicycles, juggling, etc; but now they want to be their new “Human Cannonball”. Seriously. They want fire me out of a cannon.

Now, I’ll get a large salary increase if I take the position – but it’s an extremely risky position. Actually being shot from the cannon is not the scary part; flying through the air and landing are the easy parts. The scary part is being loaded into the cannon and waiting.

Now, you see, the cannon is a special cannon. There is a small explosion, but it’s only a visual affect, the process is really more like being spring loaded inside a metal tube. If you make any tiny mistakes in positioning your body; see, the spring release is so powerful that your hands, fingers (really any extremity) can be ripped off as you’re ejected out of the barrel.

Now, what do you think I should do? Should I take the job and make serious money, or play it safe?

Sincerely,

The Not-So-Great Farini

Dear Not-So-Great Farini,

You and PT Barnum should be ashamed of yourselves. Suckering all those nice families into your circuses of cruelty. A parade of freaks and daredevils, risking life and limb for peanuts in the big top; a car-crash filled with elephants. Now really – where were you when they found the Cardiff Giant? You’re with Hannum and his cronies, aren’t you?

Oh, well – even if you are a terrifying carnie, I’ll address your problems anyway. I’m personally from the school of self-preservation. It’s my belief that if an activity might rip one’s arm off, generally, people should avoid it. However, I’ll make exceptions for sky-diving, bungee-jumping, controlled, well-tested activities like that are entertaining to some people. However, the Human Cannonball is a relatively dangerous practice. Accidents often happen.

If you have children, or a family, I would say refrain from taking the job. However, if you don’t, and you so choose to engage in death-defying stunts – I wholeheartedly support you. But don’t come crying to me when you got your finger ripped off during cannon-propulsion and your spine compacted due to poor calibration and a large wooden piling.

If you choose to continue and any further problems arise, I recommend you consult a medical dictionary.

Sincerely,

Travis Tack

Letters to a Tack, Vol. 1

[In the grand tradition of "Dear Abby", National Lampoon presents "Letters to a Tack". Send your queries, questions and problems to feralcomedy@gmail.com and you could have your letter up on the National Lampoon website!]

Dear Travis,

I have a situation that’s been plaguing me for several years. I seem to be having difficulty maintaining a successful relationship for almost half a decade. My last relationship (five years) ended due to the fact that the girl was mentally unbalanced. I know many people say that about their ex’s, but mine really was. She was on tons of medication, institutionalized, etc. I was good to her and stayed with her during the tough time, even though I was not always happy. I think I finally pushed her away because I was unhappy and she needed more help than I could give her.

Since then, I have had three relationships which have last barely three months. Don’t get me wrong, I have not been lacking in sexual activity, but I always do so in hopes that it becomes something more. I wish I would be one of those people who are satisfied with one night stands or short sexual relationships, but I am not. I am a hopeless romantic.

The main issue is that when someone begins showing real interest in me, and wants to becomes serious, I lose all interest. On the other hand, if a woman is not into me from the beginning, or really interested in them. Do I just enjoy sabotaging myself romantically or what? What can I do to find happiness in a serious relationship?

Eager for any advice,

Loser in Love

Dear Loser in Love,

“Loser” is right – Jesus! Write a fucking book, why don’t ya?

You want a relationship but the moment a girl likes you, you no longer want to date her. Well, welcome to being a man; fix your penis on tighter and get a grip of yourself, man. It’s all gonna be OK.

It’s good to know your life isn’t lacking sexual activity. Are we talking like, a couple women? Or, like, your penis is constantly wet? Either way, good job getting all that pussy I don’t believe really exists. Nice one.

So your last girlfriend was crazy – it happens to the best of us. We’ve all had our fair share of bunny-boilers. I dated a chick that liked “Will & Grace”, I think it’s safe to assume I’ve had some nutty girlfriends.

It sounds like you probably are sabotaging your relationships, but only because you wrote that. If that’s what you think you’re doing, it’s probably true. But it’s not necessarily your fault. Your last relationship probably left you a little scarred. I once spent a year inside a studio apartment because of a break-up. It didn’t help (I’m not sure I ever ditched all the leftover crazy I stock-piled during those twelve months). The only way to fix the problem is to jump back into the dating pool. You just have to get back on the horse and ride; or, let the horse ride you (since the horse is a chick in this scenario).

It sounds like you’re on the right path. Three months is a pretty normal length for a relationship. After three months, you should be able to tell if the two of you work together well. Unfortunately, not every girl is going to be dating material. Finding someone worth staying with is a hard thing to do. Sometimes these things only appear when you’re not looking for them. Maybe trying to find a girl you want to have sex with and date is stopping you from just meeting a nice girl.

Or maybe you’re just a spazz. Who knows?

I’ve never even met you, man. You could be a serial killer for all I know. Just don’t murder any of these women and you’ll be all right.

Sincerely,

Travis Tack

2010: The Millennium’s Fate in the State

They’re taking bet in Vegas on the Obama Union address. There were odds placed on what color his tie would be. If people are betting on this, I should get in on the action, make Daddy some moolah; ‘cus I called Obama before the primaries. And, after tonight, I’m sticking with my team.

“From time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union”. Not his words, but he rocked the script. He’s got the moves down. He’s like a young Franklin Delano Kennedy, this one. Am I right?

It was beautiful.

The networks are set; the house is packed. It’s gonna be a big night.

ROUND ONE:

The bell rings. Obama’s philosophically boxing with half the audience. He wants their approval and they don’t want to give it to him. Obama starts off heavy, double jab, “It’s tempting to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable….” – HE WINDS UP – “But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run” –LEFT JAB – “when allies first landed at Omaha beach” – ANOTHER JAB – “victory was very much in doubt” – BIG RIGHT HAND.

Now he’s got ‘em on the ropes, they bounce back and it was like a Tyson knockout, the hand goes back, they’re bouncing right into it, “Again we are tested, again we must answer History’s call”.

BOOM – it starting to look like that’ll end it all folks; people are on the sideline scream “Frazier’s going down, Frazier’s going down”.

BUT NO - the republicans are sticking with it – they’re getting back up, there’s not even time for a count. These boys are in it for the long haul. They’re gritty, they’re fighters. They’re John Henry – fighting the machine. They’re driving the piles deep, gritting the teeth, digging in and sticking to their gun.

Somehow, these old juggernauts can’t be moved.

Read the rest of this entry »

Why Can’t I Be Jewish: The tale of one man’s lust for Lox

I think Wikipedia said it best when they said “Judaism is the religion of the Jewish people”.
I’ve always wanted to be Jewish. I may not have a Yamulke or a Tallit, but I’m constantly wearing a beanie and a scarf so the transition seems minimal; and as a dyslexic I have the reading backwards thing down.  My mother and I are always knee deep in petty bickering; considering how obsessive, guilty and paranoid I generally feel, I really can’t understand why is it that no one is willing to accept it when I tell them “I want to be Jewish”.

I know people say there are beliefs & genetics involved in Judaism but I think we can agree to say; “ehck, it’s just semantics, bubbala”.
When I tell people I want to be a Jew, they often say: “well why don’t you convert?”
And to those people, I want to say “What the fuck kind of suggestion is that?”
I don’t want to just convert; I want to be a real Jew! I aspire to Judaism in much the same way that Pinnochio aspired to be a real boy.
We should switch, considering I’m a real boy and with his nose he’s a shoe-in at the temple (I’m sorry for that cheap nose joke… please don’t get litigious).

I just want it so bad!  They’re a talented and successful people! They’re funny, smart and employable. They have everything I want!
The UN gave them a whole country! Yeah, that whole period from the Egyptians ‘til the late ‘40s sucked (and a lot of the next 60 years weren’t exactly a bundle of laughs and candy, either); but come on, jews can consider themselves proud to be cut from the same silk as Arthur Miller, JD Salinger and Larry David… oh, and Jesus. Just to name a few.

I’m a screenwriter, but my lack of bris (*) means I’m pretty sure I’ll never get to be the next David Mamet or Neil Simon (not even bad Neil Simon; which is most of it). The closest I’ll get to something as successful as the “Odd Couple” is actually having a crazy roommate (or, more likely, having a sane roommate who I annoy endlessly with my bullshit). Without a Bar Mitzvah I doubt I’ll even reach the level of Mamet during his “Red Dragon” period or his more recent project, “Joan of Bark: The Dog that Saved France” (which is a legitimate project).

Read the rest of this entry »

The Newz Room, Vol. 11

OUR HEADLINES:
-“Independence Day 2” Coming Soon! Large Shit Blowing Up in a Theatre Near You!
-Bollywood Superstar Shilpa Shetty has big, Shetty wedding
-Harry Potter’s  “Fat Bully #2” involved in Drunk Hotel Scandal – Passed Out In Toilet
-Anthony Michael Hall’s Face has Mind of It’s Own!
-Emma Roberts Reported Making out with Not Me (I, Reportedly, Cry into Pillow)
-Dane Cook makes Charity Work seem Smarmy
- Bill Nighy Refuses to Watch his Movies – Sadly, So Does the Rest of the World

WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK (so far):
“(Nicole) Sullivan Was Blown Away by Efron’s Butt”,
“Jackman to Fight Robots with Spielberg”, AND/OR
“Zsa Zsa (Gabor): I’m Not Dead Yet”

COMMENTARY:
Clint Eastwood has said that this generation of Americans makes him sad and worried because they’re completely uninterested in world affairs and politics. Of course, we here at National Lampoon think this is a pretty big statement from a man who once made, not one but two, films about a street fighter that lives with an orangutan.
In other news, Eastwood and Barack Obama won GQ’s “Man of the Year” title. Obama got the award because he’s seriously impacting the world; Eastwood got the award because he has the oldest working colon in Hollywood.

Tyler Perry is being accused of plagiarism. Apparently, dressing up like a crotchety old woman is not an original idea.

Tila Tequila is suing the website 4tube.com after they released a video of her engaged in sex with an unidentified man. The clip was on Tequila’s laptop before it was stolen from her recently.  This all comes at a bad time for Tequila, as twitter was reporting the actress had died last week. Of course, it’s a bad week for Tila Tequila. It’s generally a shitty time when the most regular part of your week is that no one can identify the dude you slept with on your leaked sex-tape (including you).
Also, a week or so ago, Tila filmed a live streaming video of herself on the website Ustream.com. During the video, Tila complains about her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, falls off a chair while doing a “sexy” dance, changes her lingerie multiple times, masturbates, shoves a gun down into her underwear, plays with her tampon and generally makes old women uncomfortable.

Kate Moss apparently lives by a mantra, stating: “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. However, I’m willing to challenge that statement - and I’d like to start by tasting her.

Apparently, Hugh Hefner once almost died during sex. Not because he’s older than the earth, but because he began choking on a Ben-Wa Ball. When I first read that Hugh Hefner almost died during intercourse, I just assumed it was a heart-attack, not choking on a sex-toy; but, I guess we can’t all be predictable. Otherwise I’d be out of a job.
Apparently there was some confusion when they read the instructions, it said: “shove balls inside pussy”, and everyone just assumed they were talking about Hef.

Pamela Anderson was ripped off on the bill for construction on her new house. When asked about the incident, the actress said she was an “easy target”.  It was one of the first times this sentence has been used about Anderson in a non-ejaculatory context.

Recently, Rob Kardashian has denied having a relationship with porn star Lisa Ann (who played Sarah Palin in a porn version of Sarah Palin getting nailed). Rob’s publicists refuted the claims, stating: “Rob is just as boring as everyone originally thought that he was”.

ALSO - Roman Polanski has gotten out of Swiss prison on bail! This is a result of managing to make it all year without having sex with any children.
It’s good that Polanski is out on bail, because now he can make films again. Films like “The Pianist” (directed by Polanski).  You know what I like about the movie “The Pianist”? Polanski never shoved “the Pianist” inside a 13 year old.

READ ON for more about: Stephen King’s Sequel to “the Shining”, Stories about Robin Williams in the 70s, One of the Dumbest Lawsuits in Recent Memory, Rich People Seeming Stupid, AND MORE!

Read the rest of this entry »

142 BC through 1229 AD – After years of cultural evolution, Humans take a well-deserved break by doing absolutely nothing of interest on March 8th for 1,087 years.

1841 AD – The U.S. Supreme Court announces a verdict on the Amistad case, in which Jose Ruiz and Pedro Montez filed to have their slaves returned to them (in the same condition they were removed or with compensation for damages). The court rules the “passengers” were taken into slavery; the lawyer manages to dodge the whole “how is slavery legal” issue with a well-placed cough during his closing arguments.

1847 AD - The US Military launches it’s first large-scale amphibious assault against Veracruz, then marching inland to Mexico City. Mexicans eventually win this war; the U.S. retaliates by stealing all their recipes, bastardizing the food and selling it with fire sauce.

1933 AD – Franklin Delano Roosevelt submits the first of his “New Deal” policies to congress. The “Emergency Banking Act” (AKA. the “What the Hell Happened to Our Money?” Act) outlines plans to close down, reorganize and reopen banks in a stronger form (at a $2 million cost). Historians say, had the bill existed today, Fox News would have panned it and called FDR a communist.

When asked for a comparison of FDR and Obama, representatives of our research department here at National Lampoon stated: “I think one of them’s a black guy, right?”

Dear Travis,

I recently got a job working at the circus. I have a lot of jobs there; I sweep, I clean animals, it’s worked out well so far. but they’ve recently promoted me to a performer. I ride unicycles, juggling, etc; but now they want to be their new “Human Cannonball”. Seriously. They want fire me out of a cannon.

Now, I’ll get a large salary increase if I take the position – but it’s an extremely risky position. Actually being shot from the cannon is not the scary part; flying through the air and landing are the easy parts. The scary part is being loaded into the cannon and waiting.

Now, you see, the cannon is a special cannon. There is a small explosion, but it’s only a visual affect, the process is really more like being spring loaded inside a metal tube. If you make any tiny mistakes in positioning your body; see, the spring release is so powerful that your hands, fingers (really any extremity) can be ripped off as you’re ejected out of the barrel.

Now, what do you think I should do? Should I take the job and make serious money, or play it safe?

Sincerely,

The Not-So-Great Farini

Dear Not-So-Great Farini,

You and PT Barnum should be ashamed of yourselves. Suckering all those nice families into your circuses of cruelty. A parade of freaks and daredevils, risking life and limb for peanuts in the big top; a car-crash filled with elephants. Now really – where were you when they found the Cardiff Giant? You’re with Hannum and his cronies, aren’t you?

Oh, well – even if you are a terrifying carnie, I’ll address your problems anyway. I’m personally from the school of self-preservation. It’s my belief that if an activity might rip one’s arm off, generally, people should avoid it. However, I’ll make exceptions for sky-diving, bungee-jumping, controlled, well-tested activities like that are entertaining to some people. However, the Human Cannonball is a relatively dangerous practice. Accidents often happen.

If you have children, or a family, I would say refrain from taking the job. However, if you don’t, and you so choose to engage in death-defying stunts – I wholeheartedly support you. But don’t come crying to me when you got your finger ripped off during cannon-propulsion and your spine compacted due to poor calibration and a large wooden piling.

If you choose to continue and any further problems arise, I recommend you consult a medical dictionary.

Sincerely,

Travis Tack

[In the grand tradition of "Dear Abby", National Lampoon presents "Letters to a Tack". Send your queries, questions and problems to feralcomedy@gmail.com and you could have your letter up on the National Lampoon website!]

Dear Travis,

I have a situation that’s been plaguing me for several years. I seem to be having difficulty maintaining a successful relationship for almost half a decade. My last relationship (five years) ended due to the fact that the girl was mentally unbalanced. I know many people say that about their ex’s, but mine really was. She was on tons of medication, institutionalized, etc. I was good to her and stayed with her during the tough time, even though I was not always happy. I think I finally pushed her away because I was unhappy and she needed more help than I could give her.

Since then, I have had three relationships which have last barely three months. Don’t get me wrong, I have not been lacking in sexual activity, but I always do so in hopes that it becomes something more. I wish I would be one of those people who are satisfied with one night stands or short sexual relationships, but I am not. I am a hopeless romantic.

The main issue is that when someone begins showing real interest in me, and wants to becomes serious, I lose all interest. On the other hand, if a woman is not into me from the beginning, or really interested in them. Do I just enjoy sabotaging myself romantically or what? What can I do to find happiness in a serious relationship?

Eager for any advice,

Loser in Love

Dear Loser in Love,

“Loser” is right – Jesus! Write a fucking book, why don’t ya?

You want a relationship but the moment a girl likes you, you no longer want to date her. Well, welcome to being a man; fix your penis on tighter and get a grip of yourself, man. It’s all gonna be OK.

It’s good to know your life isn’t lacking sexual activity. Are we talking like, a couple women? Or, like, your penis is constantly wet? Either way, good job getting all that pussy I don’t believe really exists. Nice one.

So your last girlfriend was crazy – it happens to the best of us. We’ve all had our fair share of bunny-boilers. I dated a chick that liked “Will & Grace”, I think it’s safe to assume I’ve had some nutty girlfriends.

It sounds like you probably are sabotaging your relationships, but only because you wrote that. If that’s what you think you’re doing, it’s probably true. But it’s not necessarily your fault. Your last relationship probably left you a little scarred. I once spent a year inside a studio apartment because of a break-up. It didn’t help (I’m not sure I ever ditched all the leftover crazy I stock-piled during those twelve months). The only way to fix the problem is to jump back into the dating pool. You just have to get back on the horse and ride; or, let the horse ride you (since the horse is a chick in this scenario).

It sounds like you’re on the right path. Three months is a pretty normal length for a relationship. After three months, you should be able to tell if the two of you work together well. Unfortunately, not every girl is going to be dating material. Finding someone worth staying with is a hard thing to do. Sometimes these things only appear when you’re not looking for them. Maybe trying to find a girl you want to have sex with and date is stopping you from just meeting a nice girl.

Or maybe you’re just a spazz. Who knows?

I’ve never even met you, man. You could be a serial killer for all I know. Just don’t murder any of these women and you’ll be all right.

Sincerely,

Travis Tack

They’re taking bet in Vegas on the Obama Union address. There were odds placed on what color his tie would be. If people are betting on this, I should get in on the action, make Daddy some moolah; ‘cus I called Obama before the primaries. And, after tonight, I’m sticking with my team.

“From time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union”. Not his words, but he rocked the script. He’s got the moves down. He’s like a young Franklin Delano Kennedy, this one. Am I right?

It was beautiful.

The networks are set; the house is packed. It’s gonna be a big night.

ROUND ONE:

The bell rings. Obama’s philosophically boxing with half the audience. He wants their approval and they don’t want to give it to him. Obama starts off heavy, double jab, “It’s tempting to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable….” – HE WINDS UP – “But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run” –LEFT JAB – “when allies first landed at Omaha beach” – ANOTHER JAB – “victory was very much in doubt” – BIG RIGHT HAND.

Now he’s got ‘em on the ropes, they bounce back and it was like a Tyson knockout, the hand goes back, they’re bouncing right into it, “Again we are tested, again we must answer History’s call”.

BOOM – it starting to look like that’ll end it all folks; people are on the sideline scream “Frazier’s going down, Frazier’s going down”.

BUT NO - the republicans are sticking with it – they’re getting back up, there’s not even time for a count. These boys are in it for the long haul. They’re gritty, they’re fighters. They’re John Henry – fighting the machine. They’re driving the piles deep, gritting the teeth, digging in and sticking to their gun.

Somehow, these old juggernauts can’t be moved.

Read the rest of this entry »

I think Wikipedia said it best when they said “Judaism is the religion of the Jewish people”.
I’ve always wanted to be Jewish. I may not have a Yamulke or a Tallit, but I’m constantly wearing a beanie and a scarf so the transition seems minimal; and as a dyslexic I have the reading backwards thing down.  My mother and I are always knee deep in petty bickering; considering how obsessive, guilty and paranoid I generally feel, I really can’t understand why is it that no one is willing to accept it when I tell them “I want to be Jewish”.

I know people say there are beliefs & genetics involved in Judaism but I think we can agree to say; “ehck, it’s just semantics, bubbala”.
When I tell people I want to be a Jew, they often say: “well why don’t you convert?”
And to those people, I want to say “What the fuck kind of suggestion is that?”
I don’t want to just convert; I want to be a real Jew! I aspire to Judaism in much the same way that Pinnochio aspired to be a real boy.
We should switch, considering I’m a real boy and with his nose he’s a shoe-in at the temple (I’m sorry for that cheap nose joke… please don’t get litigious).

I just want it so bad!  They’re a talented and successful people! They’re funny, smart and employable. They have everything I want!
The UN gave them a whole country! Yeah, that whole period from the Egyptians ‘til the late ‘40s sucked (and a lot of the next 60 years weren’t exactly a bundle of laughs and candy, either); but come on, jews can consider themselves proud to be cut from the same silk as Arthur Miller, JD Salinger and Larry David… oh, and Jesus. Just to name a few.

I’m a screenwriter, but my lack of bris (*) means I’m pretty sure I’ll never get to be the next David Mamet or Neil Simon (not even bad Neil Simon; which is most of it). The closest I’ll get to something as successful as the “Odd Couple” is actually having a crazy roommate (or, more likely, having a sane roommate who I annoy endlessly with my bullshit). Without a Bar Mitzvah I doubt I’ll even reach the level of Mamet during his “Red Dragon” period or his more recent project, “Joan of Bark: The Dog that Saved France” (which is a legitimate project).

Read the rest of this entry »

OUR HEADLINES:
-“Independence Day 2” Coming Soon! Large Shit Blowing Up in a Theatre Near You!
-Bollywood Superstar Shilpa Shetty has big, Shetty wedding
-Harry Potter’s  “Fat Bully #2” involved in Drunk Hotel Scandal – Passed Out In Toilet
-Anthony Michael Hall’s Face has Mind of It’s Own!
-Emma Roberts Reported Making out with Not Me (I, Reportedly, Cry into Pillow)
-Dane Cook makes Charity Work seem Smarmy
- Bill Nighy Refuses to Watch his Movies – Sadly, So Does the Rest of the World

WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK (so far):
“(Nicole) Sullivan Was Blown Away by Efron’s Butt”,
“Jackman to Fight Robots with Spielberg”, AND/OR
“Zsa Zsa (Gabor): I’m Not Dead Yet”

COMMENTARY:
Clint Eastwood has said that this generation of Americans makes him sad and worried because they’re completely uninterested in world affairs and politics. Of course, we here at National Lampoon think this is a pretty big statement from a man who once made, not one but two, films about a street fighter that lives with an orangutan.
In other news, Eastwood and Barack Obama won GQ’s “Man of the Year” title. Obama got the award because he’s seriously impacting the world; Eastwood got the award because he has the oldest working colon in Hollywood.

Tyler Perry is being accused of plagiarism. Apparently, dressing up like a crotchety old woman is not an original idea.

Tila Tequila is suing the website 4tube.com after they released a video of her engaged in sex with an unidentified man. The clip was on Tequila’s laptop before it was stolen from her recently.  This all comes at a bad time for Tequila, as twitter was reporting the actress had died last week. Of course, it’s a bad week for Tila Tequila. It’s generally a shitty time when the most regular part of your week is that no one can identify the dude you slept with on your leaked sex-tape (including you).
Also, a week or so ago, Tila filmed a live streaming video of herself on the website Ustream.com. During the video, Tila complains about her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, falls off a chair while doing a “sexy” dance, changes her lingerie multiple times, masturbates, shoves a gun down into her underwear, plays with her tampon and generally makes old women uncomfortable.

Kate Moss apparently lives by a mantra, stating: “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. However, I’m willing to challenge that statement - and I’d like to start by tasting her.

Apparently, Hugh Hefner once almost died during sex. Not because he’s older than the earth, but because he began choking on a Ben-Wa Ball. When I first read that Hugh Hefner almost died during intercourse, I just assumed it was a heart-attack, not choking on a sex-toy; but, I guess we can’t all be predictable. Otherwise I’d be out of a job.
Apparently there was some confusion when they read the instructions, it said: “shove balls inside pussy”, and everyone just assumed they were talking about Hef.

Pamela Anderson was ripped off on the bill for construction on her new house. When asked about the incident, the actress said she was an “easy target”.  It was one of the first times this sentence has been used about Anderson in a non-ejaculatory context.

Recently, Rob Kardashian has denied having a relationship with porn star Lisa Ann (who played Sarah Palin in a porn version of Sarah Palin getting nailed). Rob’s publicists refuted the claims, stating: “Rob is just as boring as everyone originally thought that he was”.

ALSO - Roman Polanski has gotten out of Swiss prison on bail! This is a result of managing to make it all year without having sex with any children.
It’s good that Polanski is out on bail, because now he can make films again. Films like “The Pianist” (directed by Polanski).  You know what I like about the movie “The Pianist”? Polanski never shoved “the Pianist” inside a 13 year old.

READ ON for more about: Stephen King’s Sequel to “the Shining”, Stories about Robin Williams in the 70s, One of the Dumbest Lawsuits in Recent Memory, Rich People Seeming Stupid, AND MORE!
Read the rest of this entry »