There are drunk people playing a synthesizer in the other room and it sounds like someone scrambling a metal device around in my brain. The keyboard goes from a generic, midi-format polka to what could only be described as ambient sound-noodling. (Ok, so, in reality, I can come up with more ways to describe the sound, but I thought the phrasing was apt and decided “ambient sound-noodling” was simple and concise enough for my needs and purposes).

Have you ever heard the sound of two cats raping each other? How about sirens raping each other? Or armies of nails, again, raping each other on a giant acoustically enhanced chalkboard?
In short, I guess what I’m asking is - have you ever heard the sound of rape?
Because, unfortunately, that’s what a lot of music has been sounding like to me in recent times. Mostly times when I am trying to get to bed but can’t. I currently associate music, or the practicing of music, with the un-consenting entry of foreign objects into my aural cavities.

When you’re trying to sleep, ska music is like someone kicking you in the rib. They’re kicking lightly, but over and over again. It’s like a hyperactive elf, pounding erratically on your temple (in the same manner that a small child might; thrash their arms on the ground in a supermarket aisle).
Dance music at least has a steady beat; this is more like having a slow jack hammer pound into your face as you attempt to drift further into your pillow. It evokes the image so clearly you feel as though the beer-bellied construction worker looming over you. Often, the steady back and forth of the 120 BPM vacuousness causes my eyes to rock from left to right like a metronome (or one of those terrifying wall-clocks shaped like a cat). The paranoia builds up until you truly understand Poe’s tell-tale haunting. The beat is so steady that it feels like it’s inside you. So you go to your tool-box, get a chisel and start to pry open your head; but there’s nothing there, and the noise remains. Even as you lay bleeding on the ground, you can still hear that pounding. You can still feel that jack-hammer against your skull.

But at least it’s not hardcore.

I would rather have my testicles gnawed at by hungry beavers than hear a hardcore band play anything after midnight. All the screaming. Dear god, the screaming…
It’s like you’re in a blitzkrieg only people are making revenue off the merchandising.
Butt fucking a porcupine would be more pleasurable than listening to hardcore while trying to get to sleep. Frankly, I would rather have a pneumatic drill screwed into my urethra on webcam in front of congress.

[SIDE NOTE: At this point I’d like to say I would really NOT like to have any of these things done to me. In reality, toned down and out of persona, I would MUCH rather try to sleep through music than have anything inserted into my urethra or have sex (especially anal) with any form animal (especially one with quills).]

I guess what I’m saying is I’m a man who enjoys the simple things in life; like sleeping.
Quietly. In my comfortable bed.

Just like a regular citizen.

Well hello, America. I’m Travis Tack; and, every so often, as a service to our share-holders, I send a memo out through the waves of the internet to let you good people know what we here at National Lampoon have been working on.
Over the last year, our gifted team of writers, inventors and bio-scientists have been very busy developing products and strategies so that we may best serve you, our public.
So, without any further introduction, let me lay out some of our current endeavors.

1.)    “The National Lampoon Big Book of Boobs”
Each page features a showcase of different breasts from different countries around the world. We have Swedish boobs, Nigerian boobs and Canadian boobs (which are more like ham); just to name a few. All nipples of all nationalities. If there’s one thing we now that America wants – it’s cleavage. A rainbow of different chest appendages well lit to serve all your voyeuristic needs.

2.)    “Baked Beans”
Lampoon knows that none of our fans would like anything more than to sit down with a copy of Vacation, a can of beans, and a beer, then fart into their Laz-E-Boys to their hearts content. We understand your needs, and we provide accordingly.

3.)    “The new F. Scott Fitzgerald Novel”
Everyone’s been waiting for the next epic novel from Fitzgerald, but only Lampoon has it. “Vag-Patrol Goes To Sea” is a new genre for the fiction master (making his screenwriting debut). The film follows the story of three stoner-college kids as they attempt to make a boat out of fake vaginas. Paris Hilton stars as “The Captain” of the SS Poon. Get ready to hit the high seas and set sail for sexy, nude, ocean hi-jinx!

4.)    “Doorbells that Play Music”
I know the idea of the musical door-bell is not a new one; but we’ve added a twist on this old classic. Our musical door-bells will only play annoying music; music so annoying that you won’t even want to stay in your house. Just another gift from National Lampoon, to you – the American public.

5.)    “Non-Threatening Dinosaurs”
In order to appeal to our creationist demographic, Lampoon is now working on engineering “Christian-Friendly” dinosaurs. These dinosaurs will walk and talk like normal dinosaurs; however, they will also vehemently deny any existence pre-dating biblical history.

6.)    “Bowler Caps & Fedoras”
Through a detailed process of trend-setting and undercover-guerilla marketing, we are currently trying to return dress-hats to the common cultural-zeitgeist. So, rest easy, Old People; kids will be dressing in a manner you’re comfortable with very soon!

7.)    “National Lampoon’s History of the Nation”
We bring you the complete history of the United States – but, with added boobs, for good measure.

8.)    “Johnny: The Sarcastic Dog”
We felt it had been too long since there was a regular weekly comic strip about a sarcastic house pet; so, we bring you Johnny: The Sarcastic Dog. The character’s lovable quips and insatiable hunger for tacos will have you in stitches.

9.) “National Lampoon’s Bible”
Continuing our intellectual literature series, we bring you our take on the bible. It’s the regular bible – but all the characters are depicted as having giant, heaving bosoms.

10.)“Homeless Men With Insatiable Lust For Money”
At Lampoon, we’re in need of financing – desperately. That’s why we’ve hired people to go undercover as homeless people and constantly demand change from people as they pass by on the street. Through this practice we have achieved two things. One – we have a bank account entirely funded with coins. And, Two – we have bothered the general public to the point where they lust for, they need, base, guttural, primitive entertainment; entertainment like only National Lampoon can provide.

So, keep an eye out for these products – coming soon to a world near you.

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche.  For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 3 uncovers the truth behind the subjects of:
Blackwater, Bush-Gore Election, La Chupacabra, Lost (the television show) and Yogurt.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.
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All right, in the true spirit of American comparitive shopping, and as part of National Lampoon’s endless search to bring you the best in quality product awareness, I put my health on the line to do a Burger taste test.
In the last 16 hours I have eaten three burgers from two of America’s biggest fast food chains.

First off, I ended my night with McDonald’s new “angus” burger (the bacon and cheese variety). I will begin by saying, out of all the burger’s I ate, the Angus burger seemed to have the most integrity as an actual “burger” in the classic sense. It’s All-American, evoking images of something Hemmingway might eat.
The meat straddled the line between fast food patty and actual ground beef; though, it seemed like this may be more of an aesthetic statement - a visual trick aimed at confusing the consumer into thinking they’re eating real meat. However, placebo or not, the burger convinced me it could have been ordered at a low-grade tavern rather than a drive through. The toppings still had the usual McDonald’s ketchup and pickles feeling, grounding it as a golden arches staple - however, I would say it was at least 45 percent more edible than the standard quarter-pounder. I would add this to the top of your mental McD’s menu; unless you’re a fish-sandwich type, in which case you’re better of sticking with you classic tartar topped treat.

Next, was breakfast, and here’s where we bring out the real competition.
12 o’clock brought out the big guns:
The Whopper (classic) VS. The Angry Whopper

Now, we’ve all seen the ad; a bull whip carrying farmer whips an onion in a field, causing it to grow up with an inferiority complex and a vengeful goal in life, all inspired by it’s abusive childhood. It’s a tale as old as time (a tale about onion farmers who carry bull-whips). The question is, does the angry whopper truly pack a punch? Or, more importantly, how does it stack up against it’s cousin, the whopper classic (who’s parents moved from the farm while the onions were still at a young age, in order to rear their children in a better neighborhood, in a good school zone, far from the abusive, bull-whip toting land baron).

In order to understand the comparisson, I’ll start off by reminding everyone about the whopper.
It includes: one quarter pound patty, lettuce, onions, tomatos, pickles and mayo.
(Simple yet elegant as far as burgers were concerned at the time of it’s inception into society.)

Now, the angry whopper is a different beast all together.
It includes: one quarter pound patty and lettuce (this, so far, is the same but that’s where we vear off course).
The new toppings are: onion rings, jalapeno peppers, chipotle mayo, pepperjack cheese and tomatos.
(Also, I’m not sure that that sauce is chipotle mayo so much as mayo and BBQ sauce mixed together, possibly with some tobasco.)

Obviously, the first difference that can be noted between the two whoppers is that the Angry Whopper is spicy. However, on a deeper level, the new “sandwich”/”burger” poses a much more philosophicle question: what defines a whopper?
I always saw the whopper as an ideal; a fast-food burger that stood for everything McDonald’s burgers did not. No mustard; tomatos instead of just ketchup; a burger that challenged the conventions of fast food simplicity and asked ” where can we go from here” and “is this really the best we can do”?
In this way, I think the Angry Whopper may have even surpassed the Original Whopper. However, as we stated originally, the new whopper is spicy; which means it’s a more exclusive sandwich. It’s more defined, pushes boundaries - but it’s sheer existence embodies an amount of elitism.
We’re pushing the boundaries of fast food; but it’s not for everyone and it was never intended to be. Personally, I think this makes the Angry Whopper more than simply a meal; I think it makes it an statement (though, there are those who would disagree - the foodinatti, in particular).
In the general market, there are some who like the QP or the Angus and some who prefer Whoppers, but (for the most part) the burgers are universal - all inclusive. The Angry Whopper breaks this convention. Rather than designing a product that will offend as few people as possible while appealing to the majority, the Angry Whopper is designed to offend the majority while perfectly addressing the needs of a specific minority, focusing on expressing one goal - a spicy, mouth-water, flavor attack that takes no prisoners.
Now, is this pretentious? One could argue “yes”. However, I think it’s a step towards a new world in the fast food industry. Whereas the classic Whopper was entertainment, the Angry Whopper is an art form.

Now, having defined these standards, we can look outside of the two-chain forerunners.  Wendy’s Baconator sandwich, though of an arguably lower quality, definitely straddles the line between art and entertainment; while it is specified in it’s audience, the topping’s chosen are time tested and relatively popular to the majority of people; making it more like the Tarantino of the burger community.

But, the real question is: “where do we go from here”? “What will the future bring to the fast food world”? “When will Culver’s expand into a nationwide chain”? And “why does my heart hurt so much”?

In the search for news worthy tabloid headlines, no one hits the streets harder than WENN (The World Entertainment News Network). Here are a few of my favorite headlines that they’ve run over the past two years. Some are exactly what they sound like and some might be defined as “misleading”.

WENN HEADLINES:

“Hayek’s Great-Grandmother Breastfed Hungry Street Baby”
“Gucci’s Ex-Wife accused of Selling Fakes”
“Che Cut in Half”
“Rutherford Keeps Fit By Breastfeeding Two year-old son”
“Co-host Wants Jackman to Dance on TV”
“Page Tapped for Lesbian Role”
“Maguire And Meyer Expecting A Spider-boy?”
“Smiths Sex It Up At Friends’ Homes”
“(Anne) Hathaway Upstaged by a Raccoon”
“Chihuahua Wins Big At Latina Culture Awards”
“Montag Plans Another Boob Job”
“(Charlie) Sheen Considers Exposing Baby’s Sex at Party”
“(Miley) Cyrus Inspires Author To Write Adult Film Role”
“Monoghan Desperate for Fruit”
“Eastwood Turned Down Vice Presidency Before He Was Even Asked”
“McCain isn’t a Hero to the Foo-Fighters”
“Movie Drug Lord to Preach to Kids”
“Scorcese and De Niro Go Back to the Mafia”
“(Ashley) Olsen: ‘I’m Socially Awkward’ ”
“O’Connel Brothers to Wed?”
“Stamos Wants Kids”
“Van Damme ‘saved’ sick Dog Through Prayer”
“(Gilles) Marini Dumped From Sex, Heads For Brothers & Sisters”

Also, if those weren’t enough for you, here are a couple of my favorite bloopers (etc.) that they ran in their wonderful publications (plus, a bit of commentary). Everybody makes mistakes; but not all of them make me laugh this much:

8/28/08: This week, WENN literally published this sentence: “Mick Jagger’s ex-wife Bianca is devastated after losing a priceless ring worth more than $295,000 (GBP160,675).”

10/2/08: WENN’s IMDB update posted each of the first four stories twice.
In a row.
Word for word…. Slow news day.

9/21/08: WENN ran an article with the headline “Lohan’s Father Confirms Marriage Plans”; but, when I read it, it turned out they weren’t talking about Lindsay and Samantha, they were talking about HIS marriage plans. I’m sorry, but who gives a shit about Michael Lohan’s personal life?

Ah – some fake O.J., fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, splash of vodka and I’m ready to return to writing articles that no one seems to care about! Mmm-mmm-mmm, another day has begun! It’s been a while, old friends, but let’s take a look at what’s coming through the gizmo in the National Lampoon Newz Room!

OUR HEADLINES:
-Shiloh Jolie Pitt wants to be an Actress ; Yearns to play Dog in Movie
-In Case you Hadn’t Heard: Michael Jackson is Dead
-Kim Kardashian has her Eyes on a TV Documentary; TV Documentary has Eyes on her Gynormous Ass (fears being crushed)
-Tori Spelling’s mother is named Candy Spelling. That is Ridiculous.
-Michael Jackson ; Still Dead
-Sharon Stone Blasts Critics of Topless Photos ; Critics Blast on Topless Photos
-Humanity Slowly Falls Out of Touch With Celebrity Gossip ; Nothing Changes
-Michael Jackson ; Not Alive
and
-Alicia Silverstone Likes Gardening Naked… Says: “It’s the Only Way to Trim A Bush”

WENN HEADLINE OF THE WEEK (so far):
“Chihuahua Wins Big At Latina Culture Awards”
(Possible runner ups include: “Montag Plans Another Boob Job”, “Zellweger’s Pinata Fight”, or possibly: “(Gilles) Marini Dumped From Sex, Heads For Brothers & Sisters”.)

COMMENTARY:

George Hamilton has apparently started injecting stem cells into his body to keep his skin looking young. This caused an uproar, angering morons everywhere! Hamilton has now addressed the  media to explain that the process does not involve human embryos.
The whole debacle was the ideal diversion, allowing Joan Rivers to harvest more delicious babies so that she might ingest them for their life-force.
Speaking of Joan Rivers (aged 76), she’s now been romantically linked to Norm Zada (aged 59), the head of the Perfect 10 soft-porn empire. Frankly, soft is definitely the first word that comes to mind when I think of the two of them having sex.

Oprah Winfrey is planning on shutting down large sections of New York next year because she wants to have a block party for the 10th anniversary of her magazine. I assume she’s doing it in New York rather than Chicago (her home-location) because she wants to fuck with the infrastructure of a city she doesn’t actually care about.
PS. You know your famous when you can shut down parts of New York at will.
PPS. You also know you’re a douche-bag.

Lindsay Lohan’s home has been raided by burglars! The star was left stunned and confused, as, normally, it’s her ass that’s being raided by burglars.
In a funny follow up to my smart ass remark, Lohan’s father’s responded to the situation by saying: “I’m coming to L.A. to get to the bottom of this”.
God, you can’t make this stuff up.

READ ON for more about: the Porn Remake of “The X-Files” that launched a Lawsuit, a scene cut “Bye Bye Birdie” because it feels too “Gang Rape-y”, VH1’s murder-suicide TV-Show, Todd McFarlane makes works scarier than ever by including Dakota Fanning, and Julia Stiles sells homeless man’s “shants” (definition coming up after the break!)

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