Shitty Things About Seperating (other than feeling like a basterd)

Ok, so, occasionally relationships end. And that blows. A lot.

No need to go into further detail; but here’s a list of ten things that suck about breaking up.
Enjoy!

1.)    You’re about to find out you own fewer shirts than you thought you did.
2.)    You can only listen to those sad songs so many times before they get boring as hell.
3.)    You’re going to cry at a movie with Tom Cruise in it. Or a life insurance commercial. It’s inevitable.
4.)    Beers tastes shittier when it’s watered down with tears.
5.)    The “Do I Update Facebook?” dilemma.
6.)    The “who gets this lamp?” dilemma.
7.)    Taking her bra off your ceiling fan.
8.)    Realizing you really completely stopped doing laundry
9.)    No one is happier, but you both spend more money on tissue paper now
10.) Realizing you won’t wake up in a second.

So – there ya go. Hope I can at least make you laugh.

PS. I just got charged $4 for a lemon soda. I knew it was a mistake at the register, but I’m so tired of confrontation I just paid the cash and took each 25 cent sip at large intervals.

On Thiz Day: July 17th

As always, we here at National Lampoon graciously look up history so that you, our beloved public, may remember and learn from humanities mistakes. And, trust me, most of our history is mistakes.

1791 – Under the Command of Lafayette the French National Guard open fire on a crowd of protesting Jacobins (killing 50 people)
…They then go back to drinking beer and playing blackjack, or whatever it is that the French National Guard do in their off time. (Twiddling mustaches or something… Maybe making bread out of their own yeast. Painting fruit… Who knows. I’m guessing it’s something vaguely “European”.)

1867 – Harvard School of Dental Medicine is Opened in Boston
This is the first school of Dentistry to be created in the U.S.; bad teeth is still blamed on mouth elves.

1944 – WW2, Americans drop the first Napalm Incendiary Bombs
For the rest of the decade Americans try to figure out ways to do more damage in a less obvious way. This event is not as widely discussed as the napalm bombing of Vietnam because way fewer people give a shit about France.

1955 – Disneyland Opens on TV
The venue is used to secretly torture parents.

1997 – Woolworth’s Closes
After 117 years of business, Woolworth’s closes. British people now need to find a new store to buy cheap crap in.

On Thiz Day: July 3rd

People wanted history – so National Lampoon made history. (Or, at least, researched it.)

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.

The Truth About Crop Circles, Vol. 2

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained in the American psyche.  For the past year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American facade.
What follows is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 2 uncovers the truth behind:
The Bermuda Triangle, The DuPont Corporate-Family Entity, The Freemasons, Adolf Hitler, Jimmy Carter and the War on Drugs.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Truth About Crop Circles, Vol. 1

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche. The grim, lurking concepts that we fixate and pontificate on as children before they slowly fade back into the shadowy areas of our brain as time goes by. Ranging from humanoid beasts and aliens to urban legends and the theories of conspiracy.
La Chupacabra. The Bermuda Triangle. That woman who went to a bar only to leave finding a pin in her leg, along with a note saying “now you have AIDs”.
For most of us, these are now just fragment of the forgotten confusion and excitement from our childhood. Adults have moved on, fearing the terrifying possibility that they might end up one of the reality scared handful who didn’t give up the investigation, desperately grasping at anything that can provide some form of closure.
Media has sensed this thirst for answers, providing countless televised and publicized glimpses at these unseen spectacles. “Unsolved Mysteries” has gone off the air, but it’s essence lingers. Lots of questions, lots of “facts” – no defined answers.
Well, now it’s our turn. We here at the National Lampoon want the answers. And now; now we’ve got them.

For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we have been quietly financing an investigation into the unknown history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.  Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes – AND - spectacular objects and events from at home and abroad. Each week we shall be flipping through an encyclopedia of the unknown and choosing at random; both telling the truth and exposing the fallacies. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows..

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. The truth, unfettered, can leave even the strongest men wrought with paranoia and an unhealthy fear of the outside world. If you have a propensity for locking yourself in room, reading unsupported testimony, case files and analytical pontification for months on end, we advise against pursuing this article past this point for your own safety. However; if you are one of the few citizens left who seeks the truth and can handle it, whatever the cost, we would advise you keep reading… for the safety of everyone around you.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ways to Set Yourself Apart at Parties

Hello, United States!
Hello, Rx Babies, Socialetic Dog Carriers, Crack Chefs and Corporate Prostitutes – Good evening (or, should I say “Good Mourning” in this country?)! This is dedicated to you - the people with the glowing shoes, cool sunglasses and t-shirts that were popular in Japan 15 years ago. I’m writing this for the mainstream; the seedy over-belly of a beautiful nation; scabbing on the surface of a river of golden potential but having a damn good time in the sun while they do it. This one’s for the whores, but not for the real prostitutes; I would never insult them - they make people other than themselves happy. We should all be so lucky… Buying love by the gallon and the stations is self pump. Truly patriotic. This one is for the sluts.

No matter what the state of our high-wire, balancing act economy and future might be; America always knows how to do one thing very well.

….Party.
(That and consume additives. We’re very good at consuming additives.)

Either way, here’s some stuff to shove into your sticky little syrup traps.
These are some good ways to get noticed at parties.

01 - Remove your Arm
People love an armless guy at their parties. Just make bad puns all night. “Hey… can I give you a hand with that?” Trust me, you’ll be rolling in the pussy.

02 – Dye Your Hair the Color Of Fecal Matter
Get a bunch of different colored dyes, mix them together until they make brown – then stick some sort of putty or epoxy in there. If no hair product is available, just mix actual fecal matter into your hair. Most parties are full of shitheads anyways.

03 – Angrily Punch a Dog
I think that violence against animals is a taboo who’s irony hasn’t yet been fully explored by hipsters.

04 – Buy a Hippo, Bring Photos
Everyone wants to see pictures of your new hippo! At least it’s not another picture of your kid… Why would you ever want to carry around pictures of something that wears pants specifically designed so that it can soil itself?

05 – Map to a Corpse
Bringing a map that leads to an old decomposing corpse you discovered in the woods is always a fun conversation starter. Everyone will want to be your friend if you come equipped with a dead-guy treasure map. Flies mark the spot… (they look like an X when you squish them).

06 – The President is F#@KED UP!!
Come dressed in a suit and wearing a mask of the president; spend the rest of the night doing drugs, drinking and smoking through the mask. There are few things as awesome as a high guy dressed like Ronald Reagan.

07 – Deconstruction
There’s no way to leave a bigger impact on a party than to actually leave an impact on a party. Show up with a group of friends and sledgehammers. Spend the rest of the night demolishing any support beams and load-bearing walls.

08 – Invite Hell
If you have any demon, monster or goblin buddies – they never fail to spice up a party. Especially if the party is on Halloween night or the anniversary of some gruesome tragedy. I would suggest you bring a camcorder for this one. The footage is always fun to watch once the forensics team cleans the place up.

And those are my suggestions.
I hope you make a big splash at all the fundraisers, baby-showers and inaugural balls that you go to. Oh yeah – also, you should buy a monster truck. …Just because they’re cool.

Ok, so, occasionally relationships end. And that blows. A lot.

No need to go into further detail; but here’s a list of ten things that suck about breaking up.
Enjoy!

1.)    You’re about to find out you own fewer shirts than you thought you did.
2.)    You can only listen to those sad songs so many times before they get boring as hell.
3.)    You’re going to cry at a movie with Tom Cruise in it. Or a life insurance commercial. It’s inevitable.
4.)    Beers tastes shittier when it’s watered down with tears.
5.)    The “Do I Update Facebook?” dilemma.
6.)    The “who gets this lamp?” dilemma.
7.)    Taking her bra off your ceiling fan.
8.)    Realizing you really completely stopped doing laundry
9.)    No one is happier, but you both spend more money on tissue paper now
10.) Realizing you won’t wake up in a second.

So – there ya go. Hope I can at least make you laugh.

PS. I just got charged $4 for a lemon soda. I knew it was a mistake at the register, but I’m so tired of confrontation I just paid the cash and took each 25 cent sip at large intervals.

As always, we here at National Lampoon graciously look up history so that you, our beloved public, may remember and learn from humanities mistakes. And, trust me, most of our history is mistakes.

1791 – Under the Command of Lafayette the French National Guard open fire on a crowd of protesting Jacobins (killing 50 people)
…They then go back to drinking beer and playing blackjack, or whatever it is that the French National Guard do in their off time. (Twiddling mustaches or something… Maybe making bread out of their own yeast. Painting fruit… Who knows. I’m guessing it’s something vaguely “European”.)

1867 – Harvard School of Dental Medicine is Opened in Boston
This is the first school of Dentistry to be created in the U.S.; bad teeth is still blamed on mouth elves.

1944 – WW2, Americans drop the first Napalm Incendiary Bombs
For the rest of the decade Americans try to figure out ways to do more damage in a less obvious way. This event is not as widely discussed as the napalm bombing of Vietnam because way fewer people give a shit about France.

1955 – Disneyland Opens on TV
The venue is used to secretly torture parents.

1997 – Woolworth’s Closes
After 117 years of business, Woolworth’s closes. British people now need to find a new store to buy cheap crap in.

People wanted history – so National Lampoon made history. (Or, at least, researched it.)

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained in the American psyche.  For the past year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American facade.
What follows is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 2 uncovers the truth behind:
The Bermuda Triangle, The DuPont Corporate-Family Entity, The Freemasons, Adolf Hitler, Jimmy Carter and the War on Drugs.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.
Read the rest of this entry »

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche. The grim, lurking concepts that we fixate and pontificate on as children before they slowly fade back into the shadowy areas of our brain as time goes by. Ranging from humanoid beasts and aliens to urban legends and the theories of conspiracy.
La Chupacabra. The Bermuda Triangle. That woman who went to a bar only to leave finding a pin in her leg, along with a note saying “now you have AIDs”.
For most of us, these are now just fragment of the forgotten confusion and excitement from our childhood. Adults have moved on, fearing the terrifying possibility that they might end up one of the reality scared handful who didn’t give up the investigation, desperately grasping at anything that can provide some form of closure.
Media has sensed this thirst for answers, providing countless televised and publicized glimpses at these unseen spectacles. “Unsolved Mysteries” has gone off the air, but it’s essence lingers. Lots of questions, lots of “facts” – no defined answers.
Well, now it’s our turn. We here at the National Lampoon want the answers. And now; now we’ve got them.

For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we have been quietly financing an investigation into the unknown history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.  Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes – AND - spectacular objects and events from at home and abroad. Each week we shall be flipping through an encyclopedia of the unknown and choosing at random; both telling the truth and exposing the fallacies. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows..

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. The truth, unfettered, can leave even the strongest men wrought with paranoia and an unhealthy fear of the outside world. If you have a propensity for locking yourself in room, reading unsupported testimony, case files and analytical pontification for months on end, we advise against pursuing this article past this point for your own safety. However; if you are one of the few citizens left who seeks the truth and can handle it, whatever the cost, we would advise you keep reading… for the safety of everyone around you.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hello, United States!
Hello, Rx Babies, Socialetic Dog Carriers, Crack Chefs and Corporate Prostitutes – Good evening (or, should I say “Good Mourning” in this country?)! This is dedicated to you - the people with the glowing shoes, cool sunglasses and t-shirts that were popular in Japan 15 years ago. I’m writing this for the mainstream; the seedy over-belly of a beautiful nation; scabbing on the surface of a river of golden potential but having a damn good time in the sun while they do it. This one’s for the whores, but not for the real prostitutes; I would never insult them - they make people other than themselves happy. We should all be so lucky… Buying love by the gallon and the stations is self pump. Truly patriotic. This one is for the sluts.

No matter what the state of our high-wire, balancing act economy and future might be; America always knows how to do one thing very well.

….Party.
(That and consume additives. We’re very good at consuming additives.)

Either way, here’s some stuff to shove into your sticky little syrup traps.
These are some good ways to get noticed at parties.

01 - Remove your Arm
People love an armless guy at their parties. Just make bad puns all night. “Hey… can I give you a hand with that?” Trust me, you’ll be rolling in the pussy.

02 – Dye Your Hair the Color Of Fecal Matter
Get a bunch of different colored dyes, mix them together until they make brown – then stick some sort of putty or epoxy in there. If no hair product is available, just mix actual fecal matter into your hair. Most parties are full of shitheads anyways.

03 – Angrily Punch a Dog
I think that violence against animals is a taboo who’s irony hasn’t yet been fully explored by hipsters.

04 – Buy a Hippo, Bring Photos
Everyone wants to see pictures of your new hippo! At least it’s not another picture of your kid… Why would you ever want to carry around pictures of something that wears pants specifically designed so that it can soil itself?

05 – Map to a Corpse
Bringing a map that leads to an old decomposing corpse you discovered in the woods is always a fun conversation starter. Everyone will want to be your friend if you come equipped with a dead-guy treasure map. Flies mark the spot… (they look like an X when you squish them).

06 – The President is F#@KED UP!!
Come dressed in a suit and wearing a mask of the president; spend the rest of the night doing drugs, drinking and smoking through the mask. There are few things as awesome as a high guy dressed like Ronald Reagan.

07 – Deconstruction
There’s no way to leave a bigger impact on a party than to actually leave an impact on a party. Show up with a group of friends and sledgehammers. Spend the rest of the night demolishing any support beams and load-bearing walls.

08 – Invite Hell
If you have any demon, monster or goblin buddies – they never fail to spice up a party. Especially if the party is on Halloween night or the anniversary of some gruesome tragedy. I would suggest you bring a camcorder for this one. The footage is always fun to watch once the forensics team cleans the place up.

And those are my suggestions.
I hope you make a big splash at all the fundraisers, baby-showers and inaugural balls that you go to. Oh yeah – also, you should buy a monster truck. …Just because they’re cool.