People wanted history – so National Lampoon made history. (Or, at least, researched it.)

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.

Gary Coleman’s wife was locked up for Domestic Violence.  She allegedly broke household items that belonged to Gary but he wasn’t harmed.  When asked about the incident Gary Coleman said, “Whatcha talkin ’bout Willis?”

Apparently, someone in Japan implanted a chip in my brain to spy on me and steal my dreams for profitable movie ideas. Bonus points to those who recognize the background music, or have seen Tokyo Gore Police. Oh, and some of this is a little NSFW, so if you’re looking for a way out of your job, rock it loud.

What’s the best way to boost a company’s morale? By having “Naked Friday”, of course. A design and marketing firm in Newcastle brought in the help of David Taylor, a business psychologist, who suggested the idea. When asked about the idea, David said “Inviting an organization to go naked is the most extreme technique I’ve used, aside from Russian Roulette Mondays at another firm. That one didn’t pan out as well as I had hoped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s brains are blown out the back of their head, right?”

As weird as it sounds, most of the staff were willing to participate. Their were only two employees that opted to keep some secrets to themselves, a male employee who wore a “posing pouch” and a woman who wore black underwear. If you don’t know what a posing pouch is, it’s essentially a g-string. When asked why the employee even had a posing pouch in his possession, he declined to comment.

The house manager, Sam Jackson, was the only woman to not keep her goodies in the jar. “Now that we’ve seen each other naked, there are no barriers. It made sexual harassment that much easier. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner.” Jackson goes on to say “It was a very titillating experience. We were able to completely honest with each other and not be asshamed. As a result, employees have been hard at work. The company has improved massively.”

Status Update: Jess Levith is no longer on Facebook.

Facebook, you can eat it. You’ve proven to be even more toxic than Myspace. Sure, you guise yourself as the conservative, responsible, even MATURE social networking web site. One that my grandmother feels comfortable logging onto before her morning vitamins. But you are evil Facebook, and I must now bid you farewell. You and all of my 465 friends.

Too many quizzes.Too man ex-boyfriend-is-newly-engaged-announcements. Too many high school bullies that have made a 12-step amends to me and want me to forgive them for hanging me over the second floor banister. -I hate you Facebook. You’ve wasted my life!

Sure, i’ve tried to quit before, and was soon lured back by a “Gary’s written something on your wall”, or a “Kathy’s commented on your picture”. -But, never again! No way Facebook. I just can’t do it. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me punch a pillow. You’ve… -Wait… Wait, hold on I’m getting a text… Colin Gregory just poked me? I haven’t spoken to Colin in ages! Maybe… -Maybe he wants to hang out? I should reactivate, just to check this one thing out…

Word has it that Richard Dawkins, figurehead of the atheist movement and author of such books as The God Delusion and You Must Be Retarded If You Disagree With Me , has helped found a summer camp.

Camp Quest will feature such camp activities as rock climbing, kayaking, lessons in rational skepticism. In teaching skepticism, Camp Quest has coined a game entitled the Invisible Unicorn Challenge, in which campers must find a way to argue that, just because they do not see it, the invisible unicorn that could, in all probability, surround their every move, does not exist. (This is not, in fact, a joke.)

Perhaps the most controversial of the activities that Dawkins plans to implement is the “Better Know Your Relatives.” The activity, centered around the Darwinian theory of evolution, involves a camper, a cage (but, do not fret, heavily surveilled) room, and an orangutan.

“The purpose of the exercise,” Dawkins stated in an interview with National Lampoon, “is to reconnect the present with the past. We will be able to render irrelevant the ‘missing link’ by studying the ever-evolving relationship of the child and his feral ancestor.”

Dawkins’s camp is coming under heavy fire from multiple different groups, including PETA, numerous Christian organizations, and most notably, normal, intelligent people, who are just as indisposed to take kindly to atheist dogma as they are to religious dogma.