People wanted history – so National Lampoon made history. (Or, at least, researched it.)

324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.

Gary Coleman’s wife was locked up for Domestic Violence.  She allegedly broke household items that belonged to Gary but he wasn’t harmed.  When asked about the incident Gary Coleman said, “Whatcha talkin ’bout Willis?”

“I don’t mess with the Wii, to be honest with you. It’s kind of an amateur console.”

Finally! Enough time has elapsed since Michael Jackson’s death that the newsfeeds are slowly but surely replenishing themselves with Shia Labeouf gossip and factoids. There’s nothing to take your mind off death like a sweet story about a boy’s undying love for his mother(‘s vagina).

The newest bit of Shia hearsay: Shia hates the Wii. That’s right—Wii, the revolutionary, enabling game console that deludes players into thinking they are exercising, when in fact they are playing a video game. WHY WOULD YOU HATE SOMETHING THAT BRINGS SO MUCH ERRONEOUS HAPPINESS TO SO MANY PEOPLE??? Shia should love the Wii, because the Wii is like the video game version of Michael Bay. Because Michael Bay deludes you into thinking that you are an actor in a really good movie. But in reality, the movie is really bad, and people are transfixed by futuristic machines. Just like the Wii is a futuristic machine that transfixes people into thinking they are really losing weight.

Shia is frustrated. He is frustrated because his shoddy wrist-cast, which he has worn for over eight years and is now an official part of his body, prevents him from playing the Wii with full range of motion. Do not be frustrated, Shia! DO NOT! Be smart about this. It would make a lot more sense, instead of using steel or orthopedic plastic to secure your busted bones, to use the Wii controller. That way you can heal your wounds without having to sacrifice the world’s most technologically advanced gaming system, kind of like Bumblebee is the world’s most technologically advanced Chevy Camaro and the AllSpark is the world’s most technologically advanced McGuffin.

TO RECAP:

SHIA IS FOREVER

A & E had approached several high profile directors for the upcoming television biopic of Gary Busey. Since no one had felt particularly attached to his story, or Busey in general, A &E representatives had no other choice but to contact Mr. Busey to direct the movie himself.

Once Busey was signed on, he made it abundantly clear that he alone must appoint the actor that would portray himself. After closely observing all of the prospective choices, he had come to the conclusion that he would be the only match for himself.

“Not even Gary Busey tells Gary Busey what to do,” says Busey on the project.

Although he’s made several appearances as his crazy self on shows like I’m With Busey, Entourage and Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, this is his first effort to seriously method act and direct himself as himself. Highlights include Busey playing Busey as Buddy Holly on the set of The Buddy Holly Story.

Crazy Train: The Gary Busey Story will air sometime in March of 2010…or whenever Busey god damn feels like it.

Famed serial murderer Buffalo Bill is set to release his new line of clothing for plus size women called “Goodbye Horses” due out Spring 2010.

While he’s known for sewing human skin in order to accentuate his feminine fabrics, Kohl’s and Wal-mart are between the top two competitors who have requested skin free designs in preparation for this hot new line. However, if the clothing is purchased online, there are no guarantees that they will be skin free.

“I want women to be able to dance around and feel comfortable in their own skin. Each outfit is serial killer chic in cocktail, casual, and evening,” says Bill.

Goodbye Horses will be a limited collection of tribal, abstract, and floral patterned skirts, dresses and robes only offered in size 14.

The sexy silk rob, similar to the one he wore during his well-known tuck dance, will be available with a free basket of lotion for the first few customers to sign up on his website www. I’df*ckmehard.com.

When badass studio 20^th Century Fox released Jumper last year, critics responded negatively—like 16-percent-on-Rotten-Tomatoes negatively. Why? Because they didn’t have the mental capacity to comprehend the Chuck Norris-esque sublimity that is jumping through space—for example, when Hayden Christensen hardcore jumps over streets and national borders and childhood memories and PYRAMIDS. This is probably why critics will end up loving The Time Traveler’s Wife, produced by Brad Pitt and starring Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams. Based on an equally wussy book of the same name, The Time Traveler’s Wife features Bana as a bulkier, less aerodynamic version of Hayden Christensen, but this time he JUMPS THROUGH TIME and not OVER COLOSSEUMS. As you can imagine, this imaginative bit of exposition sets us up for a series of compelling conflicts, like when Eric Bana misses his wife’s birthday party. Meanwhile, in Jumper, Hayden Christensen is being chased all over the globe by a secret society of assassins, which interrupts his luxurious penthouse lifestyle. Did Brad Pitt really think we were going to forget about this awesomeness just because his movie attests to focus on the tedious stuff of romance as opposed to the BAMF practice of flying through space and/or time?

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