Michael had a strong Venus/Uranus complex?? This explains everything! Buy an IQ Membership on InfiniteQuest.com to resolve more of life’s impenetrable mysteries!

Just when you thought celebrities were too wise and all-knowing for this world—case in point: Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP—television psychic John Edwards unleashes something EVEN WISER and ALL-KNOWINGER. Because InfiniteQuest.com is not merely a comprehensive resource for all things supernatural—pooling resources from our nation’s preeminent astrologists, numerologists, physics, and bullshit specialists—it is foremost a mystery solver, the Sherlock Holmes of the human condition.

So in the aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death, while news networks were busy flooding the airwaves with the well-reasoned conjecture of good-lucking biographers and academics, John Edwards turned to celebrity astrologer Alan Oken.  This was an infinitely wiser decision.

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Last month, I experienced one of the darkest moments of my life. My roommate, whom I now hate, was being her usual inconsiderate self by inviting me to celebrating her birthday ON THE SAME EXACT NIGHT AS THE LOST FINALE. So I was sitting at our table at Saddle Ranch, enjoying some poorly executed mechanical bull riding when it dawned on me that a small but satisfying number of Lost’s compelling mysteries were being demystified and an annoyingly greater number were being created AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Tears were sort of streaming down my face as I returned home, quickly descending upon my computer and plumbing the depths of the internet’s most comprehensive BitTorrent sites for an opportunity to redeem myself.

I had hoped this forlorn disaster would never happen again, but yesterday I learned that because of my overwhelming obsession with Lost, I neglected to discover that the very week before, brave American men were fighting for our country’s honor at the World Beard and Mustache Championships in Anchorage, Alaska. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK COSMIC JOKE? HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME??? Because the World Beard and Mustache Championships is a real competition that actually exists, kind of like the Olympics, where bearded wonders around globe engage in violent beard-to-beard combat, kind of like in the Olympics. You might presume that the winner of this prestigious contest would be a more hirsute nation like Germany, where both men and woman could ostensibly compete. NO—this year’s undisputed champion of facial hair was none other than BEARD TEAM USA.

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1.  You earn a cutesy little nickname in the tabloids like Lilo, Brangelina, that other sister with the big nose, the chick with the dick, Cuh-razee Spice, or Wino.

2.  People around the globe try to emulate your haircut.  Like how women in the 70’s wanted “The Farah”, women in the 90’s wanted “The Rachel”, and tranny’s in the late 00’s wanted “The Winehouse Beehive of Crack-House Horror” to top off their Halloween costumes.

3.  David Carradine comes back from the dead and spends six days of his newly undead time constructing a Jetson’s-esque statue of you out of legos for the sole purpose of dressing it in a better outfit than one you currently own then posing with it in front of a strip mall.

You’ve made it Amy Winehouse. Welcome to the Bigs.

Reports are coming out of the woodwork that Michael Jackson’s kids may not have actually sprung from his biological loins. Apparently, Debbie Rowe was just a surrogate and the babies she held were not hers, and possibly not Jackson’s. This news isn’t exactly shocking, as the guy was afraid of women and lived in a theme park like Peter Pan. This does beg to question: Who is the father of Michael Jackson’s children? Read More

Its coming down to the end.  This is the Elite 8.  You only have to make 4 choices!  So easy a congressman could do it!

How To Vote:

Below is the bracket.  It is divided into four regions: 2000s 1990s A, 1990s B, Early.  When you send in your votes, choose which song you think is WORSE.

Option A:

Send an email to thatsongiscrap@gmail.com (yes its real).  And vote for which ones you want to go on to the next crappy round.  Sample email:

Mr. Zaz Report,

I know I promised myself, heart, mind and soul to Sasha Baron Cohen, but I can’ stop thinking about you.  Sure, he makes me laugh some, but no one connects with me like you.

Here are my votes:

2000s:
1
1990sA:
1
1990sB:
2
Early:
8

They say redheads are wild and crazy.  If you let me, I’ll show you just how wild we are…

Hopelessly Dedicated To You,

Isla Fisher

Option B:
Become a fan of The Zaz! Report on Facebook and post your votes as a comment on there.  Fan page is here.

Option C:
Comment on this post.  Feel free to use foul language, make fun of any celebrity you see fit or just post your votes.  You have free reign over your comments.  Go buck wild.

Option D:
Stalk a Zaz! Report Writer and tell them your vote!

Please have your votes in by July 15th and I’ll post the results and the Final Four!

(And all of you new Zaz writers… our editor told me to tell you that you’re required to vote.  Don’t go ask her.  Just trust me.)

Now, after the break… the bracket:

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It seems that within the last few weeks, the average life span of semi-influential entertainers has significantly decreased.  I’m pretty sure TMZ is going to be considered for a Pulitzer for all the punctual death announcements they have made.  They say celebrities die in threes, but it looks like they die in baker’s dozens.  And sadly, Spencer Pratt lives on.

This is going to sound quite insensitive, but if anyone is happy about this recent barrage of celebrity casualties, it has to be the friends and family of David Carradine.  There are only a few ways to bury a story as embarassing as his, and the death of the King of Pop is one of them.

On a side note, can we get a separate autopsy on Michael to see what the hell was done to his face and skin?