Picturing Senator Byrd surfing…  nude.

Happy Birthday and thanks for helping to warn Boston about the Brits.

***

I give good beak.

Splinterheads releases today in NYC: premiere here and website here.

Splinterheads is easily one of the best films of the year. It’s funny, well written, and Thomas Middleditch, Rachel Taylor, and pretty much the entire cast deliver great performances.

Splinterheads is written and directed by Brant Serson, who’s done a magnificent job writing and directing. I was already a fan of his last film BLACKBALLED (with Rob Corddry, Paul Scheer, Rob Riggle, Ed Helms, Rob Heubel, Curtis Gwinn, and many more), and Splinterheads really resonated with me as well.

Serson has a unique ability to portray middle class slackers realistically. And that’s no easy feat. Most of Hollywood and many of the self-proclaimed Indy features I watch fail in depicting “regular” people. Not many folks can pull it off, but Serson succeeds. And it makes this film refreshingly fun to watch, funny, and authentic.

The story is about a twenty something slacker Justin Frost (played by Middleditch) that basically doesn’t do much of anything for a living beyond landscape architecting with his buddy Wayne (Jason Rogel). When he gets ripped off by a traveling carnival worker Galaxy (Rachel Taylor) he finds himself sucked into the carnival world through a series of random encounters, and he ends up falling for the girl and finding his world completely intertwined with the world and workers of the carnival, who call themselves the “Splinterheads”.

This is definitely a film more than worth seeing. Great story and great characters. Here’s the trailer:

Its Halloween time.  Time when we’re inundated with horror films released in the theaters and DVD.  Horror films (mainly slasher-horror) are defined by a serial killer slashing up a diverse group of teens while they work out their internal issues.  One of the most popular diverse teen groups of the 1990’s was the crew from “Saved By The Bell”.  We got to watch as the group of cool kids in blinding neon colors went from Junior high to high school to college to a Vegas wedding (to relative obscurity).  Through the 5 years they were on TV, we got to see them tackle nearly every situation.  Jealous, bad grades, drug addiction, sports and love.  But never homicidal maniacs.

Horror films often utilize cliche characters and exploit that characteristics for the purposes of the plot.  Using the characteristics of Bayside’s finest, here is my guess at how the kids would fare in a horror film:

Zack Morris
Age: 18
Character Archetype: Possible Noble Hero, Smart Ass, Blonde Guy, Preppy
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Josh Hartnett (Halloween H20: 20 Years Later)
  • Fate: Both with a strong emphasis on dated hair styles, survived the 1998 Michael Myers attack.  He apparently then dumped his Mom into a sanitarium where she got killed by Myers a few years later.
• Luke Perry (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
  • Fate: Lives and bangs the cheerleader.
• Eric Balfour (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
  • Fate: Eric and his overly long face and disemboweled by Leatherface.  He then went on to be mixed with some stewed tomatoes, bread crumbs and Parmesan cheese to make a nice casserole for the Leatherface family.
• Jerry O’Connell (Scream 2)
  • Fate: Shot by Timothy Olyphant.  Went on to marry Rebecca Romijn and said “To hell with acting! I get to bang Mystique!!!”

Notes: He’s the most likely to evolve in a dire situation from the comic relief to a strong leader.  He also had that fifty pound cell phone he could use as a weapon.  BUT… he could sacrifice himself to save Kelly.  A lot of this depends upon the focus of the film.  If Zack is the primary focus, then he’s pretty safe.  But if the focus falls to a female heroine as it often does, he probably should go on and cancel that summer job at Malibu Sands Beach Club.  It should be noted that he was also the lead singer of the hit band “Zack Attack”.
Likelihood of Survival: 73%

AC Slater
Age: 19
Character Archetype: The Jock, Rival of the Hero
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Rhino (Shocker)
  • Fate: Peter Berg’s running back football friend is super loyal despite a psycho coming after him.  Rhino survives Mitch Pleggi and is African American.  Leaving an African American alive was thought to be too bold a statement for a 1989 horror film and forced this film to be forgotten by time.
• Ryan Phillippe (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • Fate: Killed while watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a beauty pageant.
• Carter Horton (Final Destination)
  • Fate: Just when you thought he was OK… he got hit by a sign.
• The Boxer Dude (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
  • Fate: Head punched off when he boxes with Jason

Notes: Not a lot of complexity here.  He’s the brute force of the group.  Its likely at some point, he will try to man up and take down the villain by force.  By having a crazy girlfriend (Jessie), he is definitely at risk of getting himself hurt trying to keep her out of harm’s way.  His best chance of success is to be the brute force, but get injured early.  Then he becomes a major hindrance to the rest of the group as they try to lug around his injured body, which allows some of the others in the group to get picked off (LL COol J in Deep Blue Sea, Michael Biehn in Aliens).
Likelihood of Survival: 38%

Kelly Kapowski
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Cheerleader, The Popular Girl, The Love Interest
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Schindler’s List)
  • Fate: Evolved from simple cheerleader to super heroine.
• Neve Campbell (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: Survived all the way through, but lost boyfriends at a rapid pace.
• Jessica Alba (Idle Hands)
  • Fate: Lives.  Dress ripped off.
• The Redhead chick (A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge)
  • Fate: The girlfriend of the lead guy… she saves him with her love.  Yes, there’s a reason why its known as “that shitty one” in the Freddy Krueger film series.
• The Sheriff’s Daughter (Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives)
  • Fate: After hooking up with Tommy Jarvis and becoming the love interest, she survives despite watching her father be crushed by Jason.  I hope they have some sort of support group for people who watched their friends and family mutilated by Jason Voorhees.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt (I Know What You Did Last Summer & undetermined number of sequels)
  • Fate: Survived all the way through, but had to act opposite Freddie Prinze Jr. for two films.

Notes: This, like Zack, is totally dependent upon the focus they set in the film.  If Zack is the lead and she is his true love, then there’s a chance, she could die.  Its not likely, but there’s a chance.  If she’s the virtuous heroine, then she’s a lock for the sequel.  The cheerleader thing works against her, because the stereotypical cheerleader behavior is snotty and shallow and prone to dying, even though she wasn’t like that in the show.  The thing that really works in her favor… she’s not a good enough actress to have a believable and moving death scene.
Likelihood of Survival: 92%

Screech Powers
Age: 17
Character Archetype: The Geek, The Annoying Character, The Sidekick
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Tommy Jarvis (Friday the 13th 4, 5 & 6)
  • Fate: Killed Jason in Part 4, Killed a person imitating Jason in Part 5, accidentally resurrected Jason on Part 6, then drowned him at the end of Part 6.  This is the only chance Screech has.  Be so weird and squirrely that the villain can’t get their hands on him.  Then he saves the day, but then accidentally screws it up and brings the killer back to life.  I’m surprised that wasn’t already a SBTB episode.
• Linderman (Freddy Vs. Jason)
  • Fate: Dies from a puncture wound after the sexy African American girl he likes finally gives him the time of day.  They may as well use this scene and photoshop Lark Voorhies and Dustin Diamond’s faces over the other actor’s faces.
• Shelly (Friday the 13th Part 3)
  • Fate: While playing around with a hockey mask scaring the other kids, Shelly has his throat slashed and Jason takes his iconic hockey mask.
• Jamie Kennedy (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: mutilated in a van after taunting the ghostface killer

Notes: Looking back, he had some of the most cringe-worthy lines in the series.  He was awkward, unathletic, loud and clumsy.  All bad traits if you want to survive a horror film.  Geeks don’t have the best records in horror films also.  They usually signal a turning point in the film.  While they’re around, they deliver the comic relief.  Then, once the geek’s friends find them dead, they know its for real and its a fast and furious dash for survival.
Likelihood of Survival: 12%

Lisa Turtle
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Shallow Valley Girl, The African American character, The Rich Girl
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Sarah Michelle Gellar (I Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • Fate: She is hooked to death.  Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts survive, though.
• Kelly Rowland (Freddy vs. Jason)
  • Fate: What Hollywood always does to pretty young African American women in horror films.
• Vain Blonde Chick (Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan)
  • Fate: While admiring herself in the mirror, Jason smashes her face into the mirror then kills her with a piece of it.  Oh what beautiful irony you create, Jason.
• Elise Neal (Scream 2)
  • Fate:Failed to see the dude in the black gown with a knife standing right beside her and she got her throat slit.

Notes: Let’s face it.  Horror films have not been kind to the African American community.  Even in Scary Movie, written and directed by the Wayans family, no African Americans survived.  Horror films have also been equally as unkind to the vain, the rich and the ditzy.  She’s also had a history of being really cruel to the awkward kid.
Likelihood of Survival: 0%

Jessie Spano
Age: 18
Character Archetype: The Nerd, The Feminist/Activist, The One Who Freaks Out, The Drug Addict (in her case, addicted to caffeine pills)
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• The Animal Activists at the Beginning of 28 Days Later
  • Fate: They let loose zombie monkeys who presumably turned them into zombie activists.
• Schoute Sisters (Sleepaway Cap 2)
  • Fate: After being caught toking up, they are burned alive by Bruce Springsteen’s sister.
• Punky Junkie (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)
  • Fate: OD’ed on Freddy’s fingers.
• Jenna Jameson (Zombie Strippers)
  • Fate: To have a higher rated and grossing stripper film than Elizabeth Berkely did.
• Jack Black (I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • Fate: Drug Addict Jack Black playing a white Rastafarian dude stabbed to death with lawn equipment.

Notes: Her obsessive compulsiveness led her to take Caffeine pills.  Caffeine Pills led to her life as a stripper.  Her life as a stripper led to a Razzie award as Worst Actress.  There is no hope with dope.
Likelihood of Survival: 27%

Mr. Belding
Age: 42
Character Archetype: Educator, Dorky Authority Figure
Similar Characters in Other Horror Films:

• Dewey (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: Even though he was stabbed dozens of times, he lived.  And got to be with Courteney Cox.  There is no justice in this world.
• Professor Lowe (Jason X)
  • Fate: After reanimating a frozen Jason, Professor Lowe decides Jason is simply iriitated that he doesn’t have his machete.  He gives it back to him.  Survey says… bad idea!
• The Fonz (Scream trilogy)
  • Fate: Stabbed to death and strung up on the flag pole.  Obviously after jumping the shark

Notes:  His character type, the clear outsider to the core group, the dorky authority figure, the teacher, all point to him dying.  Or being the killer himself.  After years of putting up with Zack’s mischief, it finally makes him crack and he starts picking them off one by one.  And in that case, he dies in the end.  Or, best case scenario… we see him for a few minutes in the beginning at school, then never see him again and he’s totally not integral to the plot at all.
Likelihood of Survival: 17%

How it Goes Down… (After the jump)

Read More

The Weather Channel has announced that it will start showing movies. That’s right, movies. I thought it was bad enough when MTV stopped playing music or when Cartoon Network started showing live action or when BET had a white person on, but this is pretty awful.

When do you watch The Weather Channel? Either right before leaving the house to decide whether to wear a jacket, or in the case of an emergency and you want to know if you are going to die from a tornado or hurricane. Which is why I look forward to turning to The Weather Channel in a moment of desperation to find Deep Blue Sea playing.

The films chosen are supposedly weather-centric (such as The Perfect Storm) but some of their choices are a bit harder to pin down, such as March of the Penguins and Misery, which I suppose both feature weather in that they both occurred on the planet earth. I just pray that they begin airing Step Up 2 The Streets, since the dramatic final showdown is in the rain.

But let’s be serious. People have been pleading for years for The Weather Channel to begin showing movies. It’s not like you can watch them on any other channel. So, dammit, they are finally giving the people what they want: highly censored B-movies.

Additionally, The Weather Channel has promised to continue their weather updates every ten minutes. Which means the terrible movies will be interrupted every ten minutes. I imagine that would be quite disruptive when I’m trying to enjoy the acting abilities of Christian Slater in Hard Rain.

The Weather Channel was recently purchased by NBC Universal - the kings of good decision making. NBC Universal’s history of wise decisions include canceling Southland, greenlighting Joey, and putting Jay Leno on the air in primetime every day of the mother fucking week. So, their leadership is clearly leading The Weather Channel in the right direction.

Good job NBC. You killed another locally shot scripted series. But not after relegating it to Friday nights when no one watches tv anyway. I’ve taken the liberty to write an homage to Southland, one of the only decent dramas NBC had:

Oh my gosh, Southland.
Way too gritty for primetime.
Dateline is cheaper.

Jeff Zucker is so smart.
The one thing viewer’s want more
of is Jay Leno.

Southland would have stayed
if it were reality.
Broadcast tv, RIP.

Trauma has choppers!
Southland had lots of silence.
We like fire more.

Biggest Loser, Do
You Think You Can Dance, Surviv-
or, Whats on F/X?

NBC can not
get it right. They should bring back
Seinfeld and good shows.

I’m too lazy to
find another format, so
Haikus will do, bitch.

I recently stumbled upon the oddest video at TheDailyShow.com featuring Jon Stewart interviewing John Cusack. I had seen it when it first aired, and thought to myself, this is by far the worst interview I’ve ever seen. But hadn’t seen it since. It became an urban legend among people I knew. We would speak of the Cusack interview in hushed tones, wondering if it was actually real.

Cusack admits to playing Jenga with Dr. Cox from Scrubs, mumbles about where he lives and what movie he’s promoting, and Stewart is eerily unprepared for the interview, asking if Cusack is married and has a family. And it finishes with both men basically admitting that the interview was terrible.

It’s long and boring (which is part of why it’s so wonderfully bad) but stick with it because each passing moment makes it more and more toe curlingly awkward.

Cusack: Who’s the worst guest you’ve ever had?

Stewart: The worst guest?

Cusack: The absolute worst guest besides me?

Stewart: You’re not … you’re not bad.

Cusack: But this is going badly, you have to admit it.

Stewart: They like it in like a weird, internetty kind of way.