“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

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For some time now I have been the Senior National Lampoon Reporter on all Jon & Kate Plus Eight related news. I spent years of non-stop research into the mentality and psychology of America’s most dysfunctional couple. My personal life disintegrated, my therapist dropped me as a client, my wife left me for my therapist … and all for my work to thoroughly explore and explain the sensation that is Jon & Kate Plus Eight for your reading pleasure.

And now I learn that it is all for naught. It was not the end of Jon & Kate when the couple filed for divorce months ago. In fact, it seemed the quite the opposite. Instead of the show being filled with boring kids, it could now focus on the world’s most strained relationship disintegrating for the enjoyment of a sadistic nation.

But now TLC has foolishly announced they are dropping Jon from the show – and worse, the title. Kate Plus Eight will follow the single mother as she looks after her eight children. If I wanted to watch that, I’ll go down to the local laundromat. But seeing as I own a washing machine and think laundromats smell like poverty, I’ll pass.

Does TLC not realize that they had the ability to truly reinvent television? Keeping Jon on the show would be like watching The Brady Bunch, but better. It would be just like the original, except Mike and Carol would separate, Carol would yell uncontrollably at Cindy and Bobby (when she’s not away on book tours and hosting her new talk show) and Mike would show up occasionally with some younger, hotter chick.

It is with great sadness I say goodbye to one of television’s greatest couples. But what really kept me weeping all day, was our loss of Jon.

Jon, you complete turd of a man, I will miss you. You belong in the reality TV douchebag hall of fame with the likes of Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner. May your memory be eternal.

Previous articles in Thane Economou’s Pulitzer Prize winning series on Jon & Kate:

Jon Plus Eight Every Other Weekend

Jon & Kate Don’t Mistreat Dogs, Just Children

Patrick Swayze died today after a long battle with cancer. He was 57.

Swayze was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January 2008. His publicist says he died with his family at his side.

With all this talk of people upstaging adorable songwriting country stars (Hi Taylor), I feel like some things  may have fallen through the cracks. And by things, I mean…what the fuck is on Kayne’s head? Is anybody else seeing some sort of complex puzzle or maze? I feel like if you watched the VMAs stoned, you might just get lost for hours. His stylist probably moonlights as the guy who makes those paper place mats for TGI Fridays. Check out the up close photo from Perez and the following photo for an even more inexplicable side view:

Other possible expanations:

They’re crop circles made by a tiny, very douchey spacecraft.

The symbols are actually a major plot point in the next Dan Brown novel.

Kayne knew his parents told him not to, but he wanted his hair to look just like Cool Doctor Money.

He wanted blind people to be able to feel his head and know that he’s a giant tool. Kinda like douche Braille.

I could go on and on. (And sidenote, kudos to anybody who still remember’s Cool Doctor Money.)

For an award show known for surprises (Madonna kissing Britney, Russell Brand claiming he molested at least one of the Jonas Brothers), the VMAs 2009 presented one more.

Kanye West, eternal five year old screaming for more attention, decided to get on stage and tell everyone how much he loved Beyonce’s music video. Only he decided the proper time was during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech.

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Mike Judge and I sat down to talk and draw and laugh and promote the new comedy EXTRACT. In what starts as an awkward gotcha, I keep giving Mike uncomfortable chairs to sit in. Things shape up when the tablet is brought out, and I capture Mike drawing a portrait of me. I then draw a portrait of Mike. Overall, pretty fun interview. Special appearance by Beavis and Butt-Head to talk about Master Bateman…and Mila Kunis.