Taco bell has provided the most ridiculous concept ever: the Drive-Thru Diet.
Obviously Taco Bell loosens the bowels, providing diarrhea… it’s not called it the volcano taco for nothing, but the spokeswoman for the fast-food chain’s newest ad campaign must have spent two years on the toilet losing her 54 pounds!
For the first time in the history of the ever that I know, there is a diet out there that I don’t qualify for because I don’t have a car. It’s great that this is a drive-thru specific diet. You don’t even have to get off your ass to lose weight? Amazing!

Taco Bell has tried to plug the holes in this unrealistic concept with the advisory: “Drive-Thru-Diet® is not a weight-loss program. For a healthier lifestyle, pay attention to total calorie and fat intake and regular exercise.”

But that only makes the entire concept even more humorous. Of course, in the eyes of the head that thinks outside the bun, a “diet” is simply habitual nourishment even when it’s married to a spokeswoman bragging about weight loss from making healthier food choices. It was sweet of Taco Bell to clarify that no matter how obvious the implications, a diet is merely a concept, just like a crunchy taco is merely a deep-fried tortilla.

Plans for famous infomercial salesman Billy Mays (no relation to Willie Mays Hayes) to shoot infomercial-style commercials for Taco Bell obviously fell through. His death from a heart attack this summer caused Taco Bell to scramble for new plans. I guess chalupa plus copious amounts of drugs diet didn’t work for him. Maybe the next warning issued will be against such combination of poisons.

For more Rachel stuff, check out her website

Dear Leno,

I know you’re busy with this late night drama, but I just want to remind you of what you said in 2004, since it seems you have forgotten this:

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Conan O’Brien, master comedian of late night comedy whose shows have brought us such joys as The Masturbating Bear, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, In The Year 2000, and Twitter Tracker may very well lose The Tonight Show a mere 7 months after first sitting behind the epic desk.

For those of you who live under a rock or are Amish, NBC has cancelled Jay Leno’s insanely stupid primetime show at 10 p.m. and are moving him back to 11:30 for half an hour. Therefore, NBC wants to push Conan and The Tonight Show back to 12:05. Conan refused their offer in a statement, saying “The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show.” He then added, “I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.”

Today I was looking through my thousands of fan e-mails, most of which were about offers of free Viagra, and came a message asking where National Lampoon stands on the issue. After about half a second of consideration, I am officially putting us on Team Conan.

Conan is a Harvard educated, former writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons, whose red hair has brought smiles to millions. Jay is a fat, big chinned, idiotic asswipe who thinks reading newspaper typos is funny and who has destroyed NBC’s primetime line-up and will soon destroy their late night schedule as well.

And I’m not the only one with something to say. Below are all of the late night hosts and their responses to this ridiculous situation. David Letterman explains the entire situation between Conan and Jay “Big Jaw” Leno, Jimmy Kimmel did his ENTIRE SHOW as Jay Leno, Conan turns to Howie Mandel to try and see which option he should take, and Craig Ferguson rambles beautifully on how none of this affects him:

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Howdy all! This is your Not So Average Joe;  Dennis Luciani here reporting to you about an invasion that started happening at some point last Thursday,  Yes I mean a whole bunch of ex-Survivor peeps flew in for their big 10 year reunion that was happening on Saturday (1/9/10) at CBS in Hollywood.

Alas, I was not able to attend the actual event but I was able to meet up with a bunch of the survivor peeps to catch up and swap stories and smile for the cameras flashing by the minute.  I got to reminisce with Sonja (Season 1) about a few charity events we had done together and got to see Brooke (Guatemala) with her hubby and her new 4 month old baby, Harper.  Brooke looked like she never gave birth at all and said it took no time to get back to her fit bod that she had for us all to see on her season. Bob (Gabon winner) was there with his lovely wife Peggy and both were telling fans of their time on the show. I got to catch up with Rupert (Pearl Islands) and Coach (Tocantins) with Rupert’s manager Jimmy Swan who was trying to sell me on National Lampoon needing the pirate & dragon slayer characters that Rupert and Coach had created.  Read More

The Washington Post is reporting that Barack Obama plans to push back his State of the Union address to February 2^nd. This is the same night as the season premiere of the sixth, and final, season of Lost. And while White House sources claim Obama will push back the primetime speech in order to pass Health Care legislation first, one wonders if more sinister reasons are to blame.

My anger at the President caused me to attend a Tea Party rally. There I discovered many Lost fans with theories on why Obama hates the awesome show. The best explanation: Obama is freaked out by the multitudes of similarities between his life and the hit ABC show.

Such as…

SPOILERS OF LOST SEASONS 1-5 BELOW:

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At the risk of making a statement that evokes nothing but a collective “no shit” from its audience:

ABC’s “Full House” was gay.

No offense to the homosexual community but you guys lost the word “gay” a long time ago. Just like my grandmother lost it in 1950 and my niece is most likely going to lose it again by 2050. Not sure what it will mean tomorrow (perhaps cold?) but as of January 6, 2010 it means retarded. (No offense to the retard community but you guys lost the word “retarded” a long time ago.)
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