In the past, TNT has shown the World War II drama Saving Private Ryan unedited. But family rights groups are opposed to the realistic depiction of profanity and violence, and therefore are asking for the film to be censored.

A new trailer has been released for a happier, less bloody version of Spielberg’s classic film. In it, the soldiers go ahead and skip the whole Normandy beach thing and start looking for Ryan immediately.

Spielberg has shown enthusiasm for the edited, cheerful version. “Ever since I reedited E.T., replacing police officers’ guns with walkie talkies, people have been enthusiastic about the bowdlerized versions of my films.”

Parents’ groups are raving about this new version, now titled Where’s Private Ryan? They are claiming it is the best family movie since Space Buddies. It gets four halos out of five from The Family Coalition.

Michael had a strong Venus/Uranus complex?? This explains everything! Buy an IQ Membership on InfiniteQuest.com to resolve more of life’s impenetrable mysteries!

Just when you thought celebrities were too wise and all-knowing for this world—case in point: Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP—television psychic John Edwards unleashes something EVEN WISER and ALL-KNOWINGER. Because InfiniteQuest.com is not merely a comprehensive resource for all things supernatural—pooling resources from our nation’s preeminent astrologists, numerologists, physics, and bullshit specialists—it is foremost a mystery solver, the Sherlock Holmes of the human condition.

So in the aftermath of Michael Jackson’s death, while news networks were busy flooding the airwaves with the well-reasoned conjecture of good-lucking biographers and academics, John Edwards turned to celebrity astrologer Alan Oken.  This was an infinitely wiser decision.

Read More

Apparently, someone in Japan implanted a chip in my brain to spy on me and steal my dreams for profitable movie ideas. Bonus points to those who recognize the background music, or have seen Tokyo Gore Police. Oh, and some of this is a little NSFW, so if you’re looking for a way out of your job, rock it loud.

Following in the footsteps of Universal’s announcement that they will be making a movie based on the arcade classic Asteroids, MGM has just announced that they will be making a movie based on the arcade game Robocop.

MGM’s decision to make a Robocop movie based on the 1988 Data East video game has caused a great deal of confusion, as the video game, itself, is based on the 1987 Robocop film, distributed by the now-defunct Orion Pictures. The confusion doesn’t end there, as MGM owns Orion Pictures and may have to arbitrate against itself to gain full control of the Robocop rights.

“My brain hurts!” super game fan Jason Markonton screamed as we told him the news while he was waiting in line to buy Barbie Super Playland at GameStop. “I don’t even understand how that would work! Weren’t there three of the movies already? Why not remake those?”

Regardless of confusion over rights and already-existing films, the studio and its director are ready to move forward on the project. Brazilian director Paolo Makoto has already written a rough draft of the script and is eager to put his touch on the arcade non-classic.

“I want to stick with the visual style as much as possible,” Makoto told us from his Beverly Hills office. “There will be much profiles and side-scrolling shots and the Robocop will only be able to punch people until the second act of the movie, when he will suddenly have access to his automatic pistol concealed in his leg. There will also be hundreds of criminals swarming him at all times, and some are so strong that even a sneeze can damage the Robocop! it will be great!”

When asked about his version of the movie being based on a video game, which was based on a movie, Makoto coyly told us, “Real fans of the arcade game don’t consider the previous Robocop film true canon. We’re trying to bring something fresh and original to the table.”

Producer Mark Fordham Johnsberg also sees a great opportunity to open up more video game franchises that are based on movies and television shows.

“Those guys who just want to make video games into movies are so short-sighted,” Johnsberg quipped. “Why do that when you can make a movie based on a game, based on a movie or TV show? The Ducktales show has already been done, but what has been done with the Ducktales video games? Nothing! That’s what!”

Johnsberg then cut off the interview so he could phone Peter Jackson and call him a “kiwi-smoking moron”.

It remains to be seen if the movie-from-video game-from-movie-or-TV genre will take off like Makoto and Johnsberg hope, but with the glut of remakes and re-imaginations so abundant, it seems that Hollywood will embrace this new convoluted genre. Personally, this reporter is hoping for a movie based on the Street Fighter: The Movie arcade game, which was based on the Street Fighter movie, which was based on the Street Fighter arcade game.

A & E had approached several high profile directors for the upcoming television biopic of Gary Busey. Since no one had felt particularly attached to his story, or Busey in general, A &E representatives had no other choice but to contact Mr. Busey to direct the movie himself.

Once Busey was signed on, he made it abundantly clear that he alone must appoint the actor that would portray himself. After closely observing all of the prospective choices, he had come to the conclusion that he would be the only match for himself.

“Not even Gary Busey tells Gary Busey what to do,” says Busey on the project.

Although he’s made several appearances as his crazy self on shows like I’m With Busey, Entourage and Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, this is his first effort to seriously method act and direct himself as himself. Highlights include Busey playing Busey as Buddy Holly on the set of The Buddy Holly Story.

Crazy Train: The Gary Busey Story will air sometime in March of 2010…or whenever Busey god damn feels like it.

Famed serial murderer Buffalo Bill is set to release his new line of clothing for plus size women called “Goodbye Horses” due out Spring 2010.

While he’s known for sewing human skin in order to accentuate his feminine fabrics, Kohl’s and Wal-mart are between the top two competitors who have requested skin free designs in preparation for this hot new line. However, if the clothing is purchased online, there are no guarantees that they will be skin free.

“I want women to be able to dance around and feel comfortable in their own skin. Each outfit is serial killer chic in cocktail, casual, and evening,” says Bill.

Goodbye Horses will be a limited collection of tribal, abstract, and floral patterned skirts, dresses and robes only offered in size 14.

The sexy silk rob, similar to the one he wore during his well-known tuck dance, will be available with a free basket of lotion for the first few customers to sign up on his website www. I’df*ckmehard.com.