On Thiz Day: March 9th

142 BC through 1229 AD – After years of cultural evolution, Humans take a well-deserved break by doing absolutely nothing of interest on March 8th for 1,087 years.

1841 AD – The U.S. Supreme Court announces a verdict on the Amistad case, in which Jose Ruiz and Pedro Montez filed to have their slaves returned to them (in the same condition they were removed or with compensation for damages). The court rules the “passengers” were taken into slavery; the lawyer manages to dodge the whole “how is slavery legal” issue with a well-placed cough during his closing arguments.

1847 AD - The US Military launches it’s first large-scale amphibious assault against Veracruz, then marching inland to Mexico City. Mexicans eventually win this war; the U.S. retaliates by stealing all their recipes, bastardizing the food and selling it with fire sauce.

1933 AD – Franklin Delano Roosevelt submits the first of his “New Deal” policies to congress. The “Emergency Banking Act” (AKA. the “What the Hell Happened to Our Money?” Act) outlines plans to close down, reorganize and reopen banks in a stronger form (at a $2 million cost). Historians say, had the bill existed today, Fox News would have panned it and called FDR a communist.

When asked for a comparison of FDR and Obama, representatives of our research department here at National Lampoon stated: “I think one of them’s a black guy, right?”

California Passes “Cuss Free Week.” Fuck That.

This morning, the California Assembly approved a ceremonial resolution that would make the first week of March “Cuss Free Week.” This measure was inspired by a Southern California teen who created a “no cussing” club at his school. The teen could not be reached for comment because he is currently stuffed in his locker. However, his “no cussing” movement has become an international zeitgeist, and now Californians should think twice before saying shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, or tits.

Of fucking course the California Assembly has nothing better to do than this. It’s not like there is an ongoing mother fucking recession going on, of which California is specifically hurting. And while the Assembly is trying to clean our language, maybe they should focus on cleaning the goddamn air. The smog is so bad the Hollywood sign could now say Fucktard for all I know.

But first, this stupid fucking measure will have to be signed in by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, Schwarzenegger loves cussing. Once, in 1977, he was quoted as saying “If a girl comes on strong, and says, ‘I really dig your body and I want to fuck the shit out of you,’ I just decide whether or not I like her.” And in his seminal film Running Man, he once said “I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine.”

I have a feeling the Governator’s love of the word fuck may stop him from signing this resolution, considering he once sent this letter out to legislaters:

Read the rest of this entry »

Top Ten Reasons To Be Single On Valentine’s Day

TRAINSPOTTING

So two is a sequel, three is a franchise, and both mean you are out of fresh ideas, right? Not necessarily. It’s possible that the amount of quality subject matter is so infinite that a mere 2 installments simply won’t adequately suffice. This is the dilemma I find myself faced with each day as I ride about New York City on the most extensive subway system in the world (I’m actually not sure if that’s true.) I’m not looking for these people but dammit if they just aren’t everywhere. So here I am with my third installment of “20 Questions for Actual People I Saw on The Subway.” If you need to catch up here are parts ONE and TWO.

Read the rest of this entry »

CLUELESS

Dear world, I have a favor to ask. When I die could someone please make sure that the LA County Coroner who examined the body of Brittany Murphy composes an autopsy report for me as well? As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind him touching up my resume while he’s at it. Looking to tweak that 2-week stint cleaning toilets at Arbys when I was 15 in to some “Executive Sales Experience.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Celebrity Doppelgänger Profile Pictures

In the most annoying sensation to hit Facebook since those Farmville updates began crowding your homepage, people all across America have replaced their profile pictures with that of their celebrity doppelgängers (or celebrity look-a-likes for those of you who did not study four years of German at the University of Düsseldorf.)

You see, it’s not the idea of doppelgänger profile pictures that annoys me, but the practice. Allow me to explain.

I go on Facebook for one reason and one reason only: to stalk hot women. Now I am incapable of seeing how hot these women actually are now that their profile picture has been replaced by Megan Fox or Zooey Deschanel. And I’m a little ticked off at the very vain ugly people putting extremely attractive people as their doppelgängers. Really, you think you look like Penelope Cruz? Buddy, you really think you look like that shirtless Amerindian from Twilight? Really?

But I am a slave to pop culture zeitgeists, and decided to discover my own celebrity doppelgänger. I plugged my photograph into a program on MyHeritage.com, and was quite surprised at the outcome.

For those of you wondering, yes, I am a white man.

But is this fascination with celebrity doppelgängers exclusive only to non-famous folk? Could I go onto Nick Nolte’s Facebook page and find his profile picture replaced with that of Gary Busey? What about Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman? Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley? Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Amy Adams and Isla Fisher? Johnny Depp and Skeet Ulrich? Paul McCartney and Angela Lansbury?!

But like all internet sensations, this one may disappear faster than a panda sneezing. So let us enjoy the minor pleasures, like the girl who mistakenly believes she looks like Halle Berry, or the dude that looks suspiciously like Quentin Tarantino, or the relative of mine who asks if I’ve recently been tanning.

142 BC through 1229 AD – After years of cultural evolution, Humans take a well-deserved break by doing absolutely nothing of interest on March 8th for 1,087 years.

1841 AD – The U.S. Supreme Court announces a verdict on the Amistad case, in which Jose Ruiz and Pedro Montez filed to have their slaves returned to them (in the same condition they were removed or with compensation for damages). The court rules the “passengers” were taken into slavery; the lawyer manages to dodge the whole “how is slavery legal” issue with a well-placed cough during his closing arguments.

1847 AD - The US Military launches it’s first large-scale amphibious assault against Veracruz, then marching inland to Mexico City. Mexicans eventually win this war; the U.S. retaliates by stealing all their recipes, bastardizing the food and selling it with fire sauce.

1933 AD – Franklin Delano Roosevelt submits the first of his “New Deal” policies to congress. The “Emergency Banking Act” (AKA. the “What the Hell Happened to Our Money?” Act) outlines plans to close down, reorganize and reopen banks in a stronger form (at a $2 million cost). Historians say, had the bill existed today, Fox News would have panned it and called FDR a communist.

When asked for a comparison of FDR and Obama, representatives of our research department here at National Lampoon stated: “I think one of them’s a black guy, right?”

This morning, the California Assembly approved a ceremonial resolution that would make the first week of March “Cuss Free Week.” This measure was inspired by a Southern California teen who created a “no cussing” club at his school. The teen could not be reached for comment because he is currently stuffed in his locker. However, his “no cussing” movement has become an international zeitgeist, and now Californians should think twice before saying shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, or tits.

Of fucking course the California Assembly has nothing better to do than this. It’s not like there is an ongoing mother fucking recession going on, of which California is specifically hurting. And while the Assembly is trying to clean our language, maybe they should focus on cleaning the goddamn air. The smog is so bad the Hollywood sign could now say Fucktard for all I know.

But first, this stupid fucking measure will have to be signed in by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, Schwarzenegger loves cussing. Once, in 1977, he was quoted as saying “If a girl comes on strong, and says, ‘I really dig your body and I want to fuck the shit out of you,’ I just decide whether or not I like her.” And in his seminal film Running Man, he once said “I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine.”

I have a feeling the Governator’s love of the word fuck may stop him from signing this resolution, considering he once sent this letter out to legislaters:

Read the rest of this entry »

So two is a sequel, three is a franchise, and both mean you are out of fresh ideas, right? Not necessarily. It’s possible that the amount of quality subject matter is so infinite that a mere 2 installments simply won’t adequately suffice. This is the dilemma I find myself faced with each day as I ride about New York City on the most extensive subway system in the world (I’m actually not sure if that’s true.) I’m not looking for these people but dammit if they just aren’t everywhere. So here I am with my third installment of “20 Questions for Actual People I Saw on The Subway.” If you need to catch up here are parts ONE and TWO. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear world, I have a favor to ask. When I die could someone please make sure that the LA County Coroner who examined the body of Brittany Murphy composes an autopsy report for me as well? As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind him touching up my resume while he’s at it. Looking to tweak that 2-week stint cleaning toilets at Arbys when I was 15 in to some “Executive Sales Experience.”
Read the rest of this entry »

In the most annoying sensation to hit Facebook since those Farmville updates began crowding your homepage, people all across America have replaced their profile pictures with that of their celebrity doppelgängers (or celebrity look-a-likes for those of you who did not study four years of German at the University of Düsseldorf.)

You see, it’s not the idea of doppelgänger profile pictures that annoys me, but the practice. Allow me to explain.

I go on Facebook for one reason and one reason only: to stalk hot women. Now I am incapable of seeing how hot these women actually are now that their profile picture has been replaced by Megan Fox or Zooey Deschanel. And I’m a little ticked off at the very vain ugly people putting extremely attractive people as their doppelgängers. Really, you think you look like Penelope Cruz? Buddy, you really think you look like that shirtless Amerindian from Twilight? Really?

But I am a slave to pop culture zeitgeists, and decided to discover my own celebrity doppelgänger. I plugged my photograph into a program on MyHeritage.com, and was quite surprised at the outcome.

For those of you wondering, yes, I am a white man.

But is this fascination with celebrity doppelgängers exclusive only to non-famous folk? Could I go onto Nick Nolte’s Facebook page and find his profile picture replaced with that of Gary Busey? What about Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman? Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley? Javier Bardem and Jeffrey Dean Morgan? Amy Adams and Isla Fisher? Johnny Depp and Skeet Ulrich? Paul McCartney and Angela Lansbury?!

But like all internet sensations, this one may disappear faster than a panda sneezing. So let us enjoy the minor pleasures, like the girl who mistakenly believes she looks like Halle Berry, or the dude that looks suspiciously like Quentin Tarantino, or the relative of mine who asks if I’ve recently been tanning.