They say Washington D.C. is just like Hollywood, but with ugly people. Allow this unattributed juggernaut of news to fit in with the Zaz’d. [via Drudge]
And talk about delicious coincidence: Al Franken, comedian and author who’s made quite a living off of writing and dissecting Coulter’s post-9/11 career, looks to be the winner of the Minnesota senate recount. Sources say he has a massive boner right now.
Now, as a new section on our site, here’s this week’s:
Words of Wisdom (w/ Gerard Depardieu):
“Before killing something, I always talk to it. An animal that’s been caressed before it’s killed dies peacefully, and its muscles don’t contract with adrenalin… If an animal is slaughtered in a stress-free way, it tastes better.”
[Depardieu then turned around and knocked a man over with his boom-like nose.]
WENN Headline of the Week (so far):
“Co-host Wants Jackman to Dance on TV”
(This was a close tie with the WENN headline, “Page Tapped for Lesbian Role”. Also, in reference to a story about Harry Shearer once stealing the Simpsons’ Emmy for Best Animation, WENN wrote: “he took swiped the gong”.)
Also, in more press-stopping news, former female, WWF pro-wrestler, Chyna, was hospitalized recently after, quote, “a dangerous birthday binge drinking session”. Chyna told TMZ.com: “All I really want right now is a hamburger and fries right now.” (No word yet on whether there was a typo in the report or if Chyna actually said “right now” twice during the sentence.)
The new film “Marley & Me” is sweeping through the box-office like a hurricane; and, in order to capitalize on that, producers have started a huge merchandising campaign. Viewers can now purchase a limited edition, “Marley & Me” golden retriever with the film’s name branded onto his side. [Just send three easy low payments of $59.99 to “Puppy in Package”, courtesy of 1428 N. Elm Street, Italy, Europe.]
I set a goal for my post this week. Here it is:
TRY NOT TO MENTION ALL THE PEOPLE DYING.
I think it’s a good goal (be they military, civilian or celebrity child) and I’m going to attempt to avoid the topic all together. Instead, I choose, rather, to focus on the fact that, for the first time in history, 1 in every 100 American citizens is serving time in prison. So, let’s keep it up, America - when the prison ratio hits 50-50 we all get a free crowbar!
READ ON for more about: Tom Cruise saying WACKY things, the New York Post interviewing Richard Belzer, how ONLY 8,000 people ever tried to eat a 72 ounce steak, a Magazine full of Shit-Heads, Spider-Man: The Musical, the new Oldest Woman in the World, Sweden’s GOOFY sexual habits and special things As-Seen-On-TV!
A senior Hamas leader was killed by Israeli air strikes yesterday. In other news:
- Jerry Seinfeld asks, “What’s the deal with kids’ birthday parties?”
“…and the babies, and the mothers, and the gifts, and the happiness and the…”
Click for more fun and contractually-obligated celebrity goo worth seeing just because you’re not ready to look at another spreadsheet!
[OK, so it may not be Sunday yet but I needed to post this. It’s 8 pages long but, trust me, it’s totally worth it. Also; I should preface this article by saying, I’m really not as bad a guy as this article makes me sound. Honestly.]
It’s freezing when I leave Chicago. Literally freezing. Things are starting to stick to the ground. I saw a dog lick it’s ass and his tongue just got stuck there (and he was inside, so this should explain how cold we’re talking here). Steam coming out of my mouth is turning into jagged icicles, like some sort of weird snow dragon.
[OK, the snow dragon thing wasn’t true – but the rest of this article totally is. Except for all the parts I made up.]
The colder it gets in Chicago the fatter you start wanting to be. I can always tell when December rolls around because all I want to do is eat and sleep (or eat while sleeping - I’m not quite there yet, but it’s a work in progress). I think this is true everywhere, though; not just Chicago. If I lived in Alaska, I would find a bed and breakfast and never leave.
I’m heading to London, England (not London, Ohio - unfortunately). Currently, the exchange rate from dollars to pounds is terrible. What with the recession and all I had really hoped that we’d be on more of an even level – but no. The dollar still isn’t really worth shit. If you go to a currency exchange with $20 they’ll probably pay you out with pennies.
I get to the airport late and have to rush through the initial baggage check (where I relinquish control of my giant banana yellow north-face bag that will definitely not make me stick out like a sore thumb when I get to the UK). Next it’s off towards the gate.
Now - Rodney Dangerfield is dead.
Which means he never needs to deal with Airline Security again. So, I guess that’s a plus (you’ve got to look at the perks). Security is always hell. Little things starts to piss you off more when you’re in that line; For example, when I got to security their was an older woman, probably early sixties, wearing a bike pollution mask. A BIKE MASK; like she was one of those bright intellects during the SARS breakout who thought something made out of, essentially, a coffee filter would protect them against airborne viruses. I just don’t get it. What’s she protecting herself against? Bad breath? Nanotechnology? What’s her fucking problem?
READ ON for: The US v. UK comparison, Babies on Airplanes, Reviews of the latest In-Flight movies, Richard Branson and his non-Virginal money and More about what that old woman’s fucking problem is!
The Jonas Brothers haven’t been clear for take-off in the zeitgeist of web bashery, with the exception of that one time one of them totally ate it on the AMA’s last year — remember? America collectively chuckled, then sobbed in empathy — but this video will more than justify the hope that they ever seize to exist on a musical stage forevermore.
If you’re brave enough, look for the Bros’ cover of John Mayer’s “Gravity” — putting it here would just make waterboarding look comfortable.
Howard Refuses To Date “Unclean” Women
Hustle & Flow star Terrence Howard refuses to date women who don’t use moistened tissue on visits to the toilet - as they are “not completely clean.” The Oscar-nominated actor insists potential female suitors must not rely solely on toilet tissues in the bathroom, and even goes to the trouble of advising any partners to make the switch to baby wipes if they don’t already use them. He tells Elle magazine, “If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go inside a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”
When checking my daily morning links, I came across the above blurb on imdb.com. It’s a story that catches your eye, makes you do a double take, then… the crazy thoughts start running wild.
[OK, so it may not be Sunday yet but I needed to post this. It’s 8 pages long but, trust me, it’s totally worth it. Also; I should preface this article by saying, I’m really not as bad a guy as this article makes me sound. Honestly.]
It’s freezing when I leave Chicago. Literally freezing. Things are starting to stick to the ground. I saw a dog lick it’s ass and his tongue just got stuck there (and he was inside, so this should explain how cold we’re talking here). Steam coming out of my mouth is turning into jagged icicles, like some sort of weird snow dragon.
[OK, the snow dragon thing wasn’t true – but the rest of this article totally is. Except for all the parts I made up.]
The colder it gets in Chicago the fatter you start wanting to be. I can always tell when December rolls around because all I want to do is eat and sleep (or eat while sleeping - I’m not quite there yet, but it’s a work in progress). I think this is true everywhere, though; not just Chicago. If I lived in Alaska, I would find a bed and breakfast and never leave.
I’m heading to London, England (not London, Ohio - unfortunately). Currently, the exchange rate from dollars to pounds is terrible. What with the recession and all I had really hoped that we’d be on more of an even level – but no. The dollar still isn’t really worth shit. If you go to a currency exchange with $20 they’ll probably pay you out with pennies.
I get to the airport late and have to rush through the initial baggage check (where I relinquish control of my giant banana yellow north-face bag that will definitely not make me stick out like a sore thumb when I get to the UK). Next it’s off towards the gate.
Now - Rodney Dangerfield is dead.
Which means he never needs to deal with Airline Security again. So, I guess that’s a plus (you’ve got to look at the perks). Security is always hell. Little things starts to piss you off more when you’re in that line; For example, when I got to security their was an older woman, probably early sixties, wearing a bike pollution mask. A BIKE MASK; like she was one of those bright intellects during the SARS breakout who thought something made out of, essentially, a coffee filter would protect them against airborne viruses. I just don’t get it. What’s she protecting herself against? Bad breath? Nanotechnology? What’s her fucking problem?
READ ON for: The US v. UK comparison, Babies on Airplanes, Reviews of the latest In-Flight movies, Richard Branson and his non-Virginal money and More about what that old woman’s fucking problem is!
The Jonas Brothers haven’t been clear for take-off in the zeitgeist of web bashery, with the exception of that one time one of them totally ate it on the AMA’s last year — remember? America collectively chuckled, then sobbed in empathy — but this video will more than justify the hope that they ever seize to exist on a musical stage forevermore.
If you’re brave enough, look for the Bros’ cover of John Mayer’s “Gravity” — putting it here would just make waterboarding look comfortable.
Howard Refuses To Date “Unclean” Women
Hustle & Flow star Terrence Howard refuses to date women who don’t use moistened tissue on visits to the toilet - as they are “not completely clean.” The Oscar-nominated actor insists potential female suitors must not rely solely on toilet tissues in the bathroom, and even goes to the trouble of advising any partners to make the switch to baby wipes if they don’t already use them. He tells Elle magazine, “If they’re using dry paper, they aren’t washing all of themselves. It’s just unclean. So if I go inside a woman’s house and see the toilet paper there, I’ll explain this. And if she doesn’t make the adjustment to baby wipes, I’ll know she’s not completely clean.”
When checking my daily morning links, I came across the above blurb on imdb.com. It’s a story that catches your eye, makes you do a double take, then… the crazy thoughts start running wild.
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