Breaking News: Balloon Boy Is Now Well Boy

He’s fallen in a well. Details at 11.

Last Chance to Vote for the Worst Song Ever!

It started with extensive research and 32 songs emerged. The people spoke and 16 were left standing! (Assume I wrote three more NCAA Tournament Broadcast-worthy lines here.) And now two remain…

Straight out of Los Angeles, California… residing on the US Pop Charts for over two months… clocking in at over 2 million downloads on iTunes… it has been called “the musical equivalent of a bad Farrelly Brothers movie”… My Humps!!!!

And the challenger… hailing from Nashville, Tennessee… a breakthrough crossover hit on both the Country and Pop charts in the United States… the reason people hate country music… so bad it was passed over by the Oak Ridge Boys… Achy Breaky Heart!!!

And now its up to YOU to decide which one is the worst song of all time. How do you let us know here at the Zaz what your vote is? There are several ways!

Option A:

Send an email to thatsongiscrap@gmail.com (yes its real). And vote for which ones you want to go on to the next crappy round. Sample email:

Mr. Zaz Report,
In order to sway your vote I am going to intoxicate you with my female cleavage and female bottom. Aw. Who am I kidding. I don’t care if our song loses this contest and is officially deemed the worst song ever. I just wrote this for you. Because I am drunk. Drunk on your lovely gentleman humps. You drive this Fergie crazy. You do it on the daily. I’ll treat you really nicely. I’ll buy you a Cherry Icee. Playstation with the Blu-Ray. I’ll buy you one every day. Tickets to the big game. I want to be your Dame.

Anyway. Here is my vote. CHECK IT OUT!:

Achy Breaky Heart

Fergalicious

Option B:
Become a fan of The Zaz! Report on Facebook and post your votes as a comment on there. Fan page is here.

Option C:
Comment on this post. Feel free to use foul language, make fun of any celebrity you see fit or just post your votes. You have free reign over your comments. Go buck wild.

Option D:
Stalk a Zaz! Report Writer and tell them your vote!

Please have your votes in by October 10th and I’ll post the results and we can finally name one song the WORST SONG EVER!

Current Vote Totals…

My Humps          Achy Breaky Heart

32                          13

Let’s take a more detailed look at the two songs (after the break):

Read the rest of this entry »

Antonio Villaraigosa is following me.

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

Worst Daily Show Interview Ever?

I recently stumbled upon the oddest video at TheDailyShow.com featuring Jon Stewart interviewing John Cusack. I had seen it when it first aired, and thought to myself, this is by far the worst interview I’ve ever seen. But hadn’t seen it since. It became an urban legend among people I knew. We would speak of the Cusack interview in hushed tones, wondering if it was actually real.

Cusack admits to playing Jenga with Dr. Cox from Scrubs, mumbles about where he lives and what movie he’s promoting, and Stewart is eerily unprepared for the interview, asking if Cusack is married and has a family. And it finishes with both men basically admitting that the interview was terrible.

It’s long and boring (which is part of why it’s so wonderfully bad) but stick with it because each passing moment makes it more and more toe curlingly awkward.

Cusack: Who’s the worst guest you’ve ever had?

Stewart: The worst guest?

Cusack: The absolute worst guest besides me?

Stewart: You’re not … you’re not bad.

Cusack: But this is going badly, you have to admit it.

Stewart: They like it in like a weird, internetty kind of way.

Kate Minus Jon Plus Eight Equals What?

For some time now I have been the Senior National Lampoon Reporter on all Jon & Kate Plus Eight related news. I spent years of non-stop research into the mentality and psychology of America’s most dysfunctional couple. My personal life disintegrated, my therapist dropped me as a client, my wife left me for my therapist … and all for my work to thoroughly explore and explain the sensation that is Jon & Kate Plus Eight for your reading pleasure.

And now I learn that it is all for naught. It was not the end of Jon & Kate when the couple filed for divorce months ago. In fact, it seemed the quite the opposite. Instead of the show being filled with boring kids, it could now focus on the world’s most strained relationship disintegrating for the enjoyment of a sadistic nation.

But now TLC has foolishly announced they are dropping Jon from the show – and worse, the title. Kate Plus Eight will follow the single mother as she looks after her eight children. If I wanted to watch that, I’ll go down to the local laundromat. But seeing as I own a washing machine and think laundromats smell like poverty, I’ll pass.

Does TLC not realize that they had the ability to truly reinvent television? Keeping Jon on the show would be like watching The Brady Bunch, but better. It would be just like the original, except Mike and Carol would separate, Carol would yell uncontrollably at Cindy and Bobby (when she’s not away on book tours and hosting her new talk show) and Mike would show up occasionally with some younger, hotter chick.

It is with great sadness I say goodbye to one of television’s greatest couples. But what really kept me weeping all day, was our loss of Jon.

Jon, you complete turd of a man, I will miss you. You belong in the reality TV douchebag hall of fame with the likes of Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner. May your memory be eternal.

Previous articles in Thane Economou’s Pulitzer Prize winning series on Jon & Kate:

Jon Plus Eight Every Other Weekend

Jon & Kate Don’t Mistreat Dogs, Just Children

The Truth About Crop Circles, Vol. 3

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche.  For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 3 uncovers the truth behind the subjects of:
Blackwater, Bush-Gore Election, La Chupacabra, Lost (the television show) and Yogurt.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.

Read the rest of this entry »

He’s fallen in a well. Details at 11.

It started with extensive research and 32 songs emerged. The people spoke and 16 were left standing! (Assume I wrote three more NCAA Tournament Broadcast-worthy lines here.) And now two remain…

Straight out of Los Angeles, California… residing on the US Pop Charts for over two months… clocking in at over 2 million downloads on iTunes… it has been called “the musical equivalent of a bad Farrelly Brothers movie”… My Humps!!!!

And the challenger… hailing from Nashville, Tennessee… a breakthrough crossover hit on both the Country and Pop charts in the United States… the reason people hate country music… so bad it was passed over by the Oak Ridge Boys… Achy Breaky Heart!!!

And now its up to YOU to decide which one is the worst song of all time. How do you let us know here at the Zaz what your vote is? There are several ways!

Option A:

Send an email to thatsongiscrap@gmail.com (yes its real). And vote for which ones you want to go on to the next crappy round. Sample email:

Mr. Zaz Report,
In order to sway your vote I am going to intoxicate you with my female cleavage and female bottom. Aw. Who am I kidding. I don’t care if our song loses this contest and is officially deemed the worst song ever. I just wrote this for you. Because I am drunk. Drunk on your lovely gentleman humps. You drive this Fergie crazy. You do it on the daily. I’ll treat you really nicely. I’ll buy you a Cherry Icee. Playstation with the Blu-Ray. I’ll buy you one every day. Tickets to the big game. I want to be your Dame.

Anyway. Here is my vote. CHECK IT OUT!:

Achy Breaky Heart

Fergalicious

Option B:
Become a fan of The Zaz! Report on Facebook and post your votes as a comment on there. Fan page is here.

Option C:
Comment on this post. Feel free to use foul language, make fun of any celebrity you see fit or just post your votes. You have free reign over your comments. Go buck wild.

Option D:
Stalk a Zaz! Report Writer and tell them your vote!

Please have your votes in by October 10th and I’ll post the results and we can finally name one song the WORST SONG EVER!

Current Vote Totals…

My Humps          Achy Breaky Heart

32                          13

Let’s take a more detailed look at the two songs (after the break):

Read the rest of this entry »

I think someone is stalking me. It’s… it’s terrible. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just stay awake for hours, too frightened to leave the valley, let alone my apartment.  I’ve gone to the police. Nothing. I’ve called my lawyer. Nothing. Nothing can be done to stop this maniac from harassing me. To make matters worse, this nut-job has actually made contact, VIRTUAL contact with me that I cannot ignore. Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it. Deep breath, Josh, deep breath…

Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is following me…. ON TWITTER.

This has gone too far. First, it was Facebook. You know, just some light flirtation. A “come to the general discussion of DMV furloughs” here, a “town hall meeting regarding the future site of the Subway to the Sea” there; I thought it was harmless. But this man is unrelenting. He wants nothing more than to hit me where it hurts… 140 characters at a time.

My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since that thing last year with Michael Ian Black.

I recently stumbled upon the oddest video at TheDailyShow.com featuring Jon Stewart interviewing John Cusack. I had seen it when it first aired, and thought to myself, this is by far the worst interview I’ve ever seen. But hadn’t seen it since. It became an urban legend among people I knew. We would speak of the Cusack interview in hushed tones, wondering if it was actually real.

Cusack admits to playing Jenga with Dr. Cox from Scrubs, mumbles about where he lives and what movie he’s promoting, and Stewart is eerily unprepared for the interview, asking if Cusack is married and has a family. And it finishes with both men basically admitting that the interview was terrible.

It’s long and boring (which is part of why it’s so wonderfully bad) but stick with it because each passing moment makes it more and more toe curlingly awkward.

Cusack: Who’s the worst guest you’ve ever had?

Stewart: The worst guest?

Cusack: The absolute worst guest besides me?

Stewart: You’re not … you’re not bad.

Cusack: But this is going badly, you have to admit it.

Stewart: They like it in like a weird, internetty kind of way.

For some time now I have been the Senior National Lampoon Reporter on all Jon & Kate Plus Eight related news. I spent years of non-stop research into the mentality and psychology of America’s most dysfunctional couple. My personal life disintegrated, my therapist dropped me as a client, my wife left me for my therapist … and all for my work to thoroughly explore and explain the sensation that is Jon & Kate Plus Eight for your reading pleasure.

And now I learn that it is all for naught. It was not the end of Jon & Kate when the couple filed for divorce months ago. In fact, it seemed the quite the opposite. Instead of the show being filled with boring kids, it could now focus on the world’s most strained relationship disintegrating for the enjoyment of a sadistic nation.

But now TLC has foolishly announced they are dropping Jon from the show – and worse, the title. Kate Plus Eight will follow the single mother as she looks after her eight children. If I wanted to watch that, I’ll go down to the local laundromat. But seeing as I own a washing machine and think laundromats smell like poverty, I’ll pass.

Does TLC not realize that they had the ability to truly reinvent television? Keeping Jon on the show would be like watching The Brady Bunch, but better. It would be just like the original, except Mike and Carol would separate, Carol would yell uncontrollably at Cindy and Bobby (when she’s not away on book tours and hosting her new talk show) and Mike would show up occasionally with some younger, hotter chick.

It is with great sadness I say goodbye to one of television’s greatest couples. But what really kept me weeping all day, was our loss of Jon.

Jon, you complete turd of a man, I will miss you. You belong in the reality TV douchebag hall of fame with the likes of Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner. May your memory be eternal.

Previous articles in Thane Economou’s Pulitzer Prize winning series on Jon & Kate:

Jon Plus Eight Every Other Weekend

Jon & Kate Don’t Mistreat Dogs, Just Children

There are many mysteries (READ: “unexplained occurrences/phenomenon”) ingrained the American psyche.  For the passed year, (with generous support of the “Charles Dodgson Foundation”) we at the National Lampoon have been quietly financing an investigation into the hidden history of the United States. What follows this is an uncensored look into what lies beneath the surface of the American façade.
What follows… is the truth.
Alphabetized.

Read on to hear about: Secret Societies, Ghost Haunting, Alien Sightings, Political Assassinations, Corporate Scandals, Beasts of All Shapes and Sizes. Join us as we unmask the true darkness that lays behind the shadows.

Vol. 3 uncovers the truth behind the subjects of:
Blackwater, Bush-Gore Election, La Chupacabra, Lost (the television show) and Yogurt.

WARNING: The content that follows this article is not for the faint of heart or spirit. It takes a look behind a curtain that separates us from the other side of the mirror. Looking into this distorted reality might cause you to see yourself and your world in a new perspective – a terrifying reflection of the truth behind reality. If you’re fearful; turn back now. But if you’re one of those that must peer into this shadowy world – read on, for your own safety.
Read the rest of this entry »