(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes.

Pattinson has that annoying combination of being the obsession of twelve year old girls across the country and a “I’m so f’ing cool I don’t even poop” attitude about him that makes him unlikeable, but this dislike goes way beyond that. Even after Leo DiCaprio sank with the Titanic and girls swooned over him, there was a dislike, but I never got the shivers down my spine seeing pictures of him.

Maybe he just had bad publicists or bad photographers. Look at the above. Did the photographer tell him, “Have your mouth slightly agape, like you are totally dumbfounded by this device called a camera. Like you’re about to run in the special olympics. Damn. Not quite awkward enough. Can we get some more dirt in his hair to make it more frumpy?”

If you started out with Brad Pitt, then started sucking his soul out of him, then stopped after you were 71% complete, you would end up with Robert Pattinson. That’s my mathematical equation for it.

Its one thing to make fun of his doofy pictures, but I need to get down to why he is so creepy. What separates him from Zac Efron? I have to rule out the vampire thing because I haven’t seen that movie and I don’t plan on it after talking to one of my fellow geeks who was groaning about seeing it. Even after asking him, “but even though its a chick flick, it has vampires in it, so it can’t be all bad, right?” He then gave me that “you just don’t know look” and walked away.

So, I did the modern day equivalent of going to the library. I wandered over to google. “What makes a guy creepy?” I know what makes a girl creepy. We can discuss that later. Guys don’t discuss on the internet what makes guys creepy and this was validated by Google. So I had to find out what females thought made guys creepy. “kylies_mommy” offered this up:

I would describe a person as creepy when they have that look in their eyes.

That is definitely a component of it. He does look like he’s trying to suck your soul out of your nostrils with that hollow glare, but there’s more to it than that. When I google image searched “Creepy guy”, I found more:

There was this guy and they have THE EXACT SAME EYES! Maybe it is the eyes. But they have the same hair style. They both take pictures with their mouths agape. This may be a picture of future Robert Pattinson. Or if he is Benjamin Button-like, a picture of Robert from a few years ago.

Then there was this guy, also found under the picture search “creepy guy”. His sister told him how much she loved Twilight guy. He saw the look he was giving in all of his pictures. So he gave the look to make girls like his sister like him.

Creepy.

Maybe the guy is normal when he’s not giving “the look”. Maybe out in the real world he looks like the dude from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but when he gives “the look” he turns into a pedophile.

Then there was this guy:

This guy doesn’t have teeth. Pattinson doesn’t smile so we’ve never seen his teeth. That has to be an element to it.

In conclusion, I believe it to be a combination of all of these things. And him having teenage girls swooning over him and his brooding attitue set him apart from Cillian Murphy in a creepy league of his own. Mr. Pattinson, I look forward to not watching your Twilight series. Good day.

Sing, goddess, the anger of Mad’s son Michael

And its devastation, which put pain thousandfold upon

Zaller and his Zaz.

What was it then set them together in bitter collision?

The sad sombrero, or the menacing moustache—marauding

in guise of greater guile?

Strike up in your mind’s eye, noble Madsen

Just how you’ve made alien your most loyal

Apostle, who preached your gospel and sung your praise:

Yes, Madsen: mind most high

(whose penis prevails perpetual

the proof of which lies potent

in the pudding of Zaller’s visage)

scholar and renaissance man,

who no doubt appreciates this English heroic verse,

why forsake ye your truest of friends?

A comedian comes to stroke your

Ego, his sole job rests in hurting himself,

That renders you more regal

You do it yourself, yielding

Not to conscience, or the cacophony

Of other multiple persons that in your mind

Lurk, lying in wait with specious passion

Of self-defence.

Oh, muse, do make him see,

Give him sight of the specific sorrow,

Yea take his eyes farther than his tactful hat,

Now that he may know what he has done:

That he has taken our job,

Becoming the barb

That the comedian continu’lly seeks.

What use have we for jokes

Or whimsy, when you

For our pleasure do all provide:

Your dream-drought

And your high hat—

That merry mitre of a majestic mind.

Muse or dote, Mr Madsen, do take note

These comedians wish you would comport

Since now we will see you sink, not float

In the costly and honored halls of civil court.

Michael Madsen has a new film out called HIRED GUN (Directed by Brad Jurjens). And when he agreed to sit down for an “offbeat” interview with me, I don’t think he realized that I was going to be joking around, trying to get a reaction out of him. In a nutshell, Madsen looses his cool.Please enjoy.

HIRED GUN available on netflix:

and amazon.com:

Picturing Senator Byrd surfing…  nude.

Happy Birthday and thanks for helping to warn Boston about the Brits.

***

I give good beak.

John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Director Roland Emmerich participate in an open and candid forum about the potential end of the world, and their new film 2012. The meandering of the forum ushered in topics such as Vicodin, dehydrated food pills, Elephants, The Queen of England, boxes of humanity, Noah’s arc, and so forth. I attempt to convince Chiwetel Ejiofor that we share the same birthday, award nominations, and life history. I also attempt to convince Roland Emmerich that they’ve worked together before and are friends. Much to my chagrin, Emmerich remembers that they do not know each other…yet. Worth a watch.

Have you ever heard the sound of two cats raping each other? How about sirens raping each other? Or armies of nails, again, raping each other on a giant acoustically enhanced chalkboard?
In short, I guess what I’m asking is - have you ever heard the sound of rape?
Because, unfortunately, that’s what a lot of music has been sounding like to me in recent times. Mostly times when I am trying to get to bed but can’t. I currently associate music, or the practicing of music, with the un-consenting entry of foreign objects into my aural cavities.

When you’re trying to sleep, ska music is like someone kicking you in the rib. They’re kicking lightly, but over and over again. It’s like a hyperactive elf, pounding erratically on your temple (in the same manner that a small child might; thrash their arms on the ground in a supermarket aisle).
Dance music at least has a steady beat; this is more like having a slow jack hammer pound into your face as you attempt to drift further into your pillow. It evokes the image so clearly you feel as though the beer-bellied construction worker looming over you. Often, the steady back and forth of the 120 BPM vacuousness causes my eyes to rock from left to right like a metronome (or one of those terrifying wall-clocks shaped like a cat). The paranoia builds up until you truly understand Poe’s tell-tale haunting. The beat is so steady that it feels like it’s inside you. So you go to your tool-box, get a chisel and start to pry open your head; but there’s nothing there, and the noise remains. Even as you lay bleeding on the ground, you can still hear that pounding. You can still feel that jack-hammer against your skull.

But at least it’s not hardcore.

I would rather have my testicles gnawed at by hungry beavers than hear a hardcore band play anything after midnight. All the screaming. Dear god, the screaming…
It’s like you’re in a blitzkrieg only people are making revenue off the merchandising.
Butt fucking a porcupine would be more pleasurable than listening to hardcore while trying to get to sleep. Frankly, I would rather have a pneumatic drill screwed into my urethra on webcam in front of congress.

[SIDE NOTE: At this point I’d like to say I would really NOT like to have any of these things done to me. In reality, toned down and out of persona, I would MUCH rather try to sleep through music than have anything inserted into my urethra or have sex (especially anal) with any form animal (especially one with quills).]

I guess what I’m saying is I’m a man who enjoys the simple things in life; like sleeping.
Quietly. In my comfortable bed.

Just like a regular citizen.

Hey, crazy guy with the guitar: there’s only one master.

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

(Via BuzzFeed)

Finally, a preacher brave enough to tackle a problem cursing the body politic, our moral fabric, President Obama, and indeed, urinals caked on walls across the universe… peeing sitting down.

Reports are already leaking that Sarah Palin is set to stand up and agree on Facebook.

***

Follow me on Twitter.

Hundreds of fans stormed out of a Britney Spears performance in Perth, Australia, angered that the popstar was lip-syncing. In other news, LA Kings fans left the Staples Center because it was too cold.