324 A.D.
The Battle of Adrianople : Constantine kicks the ever loving shit out of Licinius, who fled to Byzantium (which I’m assuming is some form of metal).

1754 A.D.
French Indian War : George Washington pusses out and submits a building called “Fort Necessity” to the French. Not only the first time the French won anything, it’s also the first time they have had anything to do with necessity.

1938 A.D.
FDR lights the eternal flame at Gettysburg : Old people around the world fall madly in love with him, young people find confusion in the similarities between his wife’s first name and his middle name.

1994 A.D.
“The deadliest day in Texas traffic history”: 46 people killed in automobile accidents while hurriedly rushing to blow things up in honor of their nation. It’s the only form of rear-ending that they find acceptable.

Gary Coleman’s wife was locked up for Domestic Violence.  She allegedly broke household items that belonged to Gary but he wasn’t harmed.  When asked about the incident Gary Coleman said, “Whatcha talkin ’bout Willis?”

Apparently, someone in Japan implanted a chip in my brain to spy on me and steal my dreams for profitable movie ideas. Bonus points to those who recognize the background music, or have seen Tokyo Gore Police. Oh, and some of this is a little NSFW, so if you’re looking for a way out of your job, rock it loud.

What’s the best way to boost a company’s morale? By having “Naked Friday”, of course. A design and marketing firm in Newcastle brought in the help of David Taylor, a business psychologist, who suggested the idea. When asked about the idea, David said “Inviting an organization to go naked is the most extreme technique I’ve used, aside from Russian Roulette Mondays at another firm. That one didn’t pan out as well as I had hoped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s brains are blown out the back of their head, right?”

As weird as it sounds, most of the staff were willing to participate. Their were only two employees that opted to keep some secrets to themselves, a male employee who wore a “posing pouch” and a woman who wore black underwear. If you don’t know what a posing pouch is, it’s essentially a g-string. When asked why the employee even had a posing pouch in his possession, he declined to comment.

The house manager, Sam Jackson, was the only woman to not keep her goodies in the jar. “Now that we’ve seen each other naked, there are no barriers. It made sexual harassment that much easier. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner.” Jackson goes on to say “It was a very titillating experience. We were able to completely honest with each other and not be asshamed. As a result, employees have been hard at work. The company has improved massively.”

Status Update: Jess Levith is no longer on Facebook.

Facebook, you can eat it. You’ve proven to be even more toxic than Myspace. Sure, you guise yourself as the conservative, responsible, even MATURE social networking web site. One that my grandmother feels comfortable logging onto before her morning vitamins. But you are evil Facebook, and I must now bid you farewell. You and all of my 465 friends.

Too many quizzes.Too man ex-boyfriend-is-newly-engaged-announcements. Too many high school bullies that have made a 12-step amends to me and want me to forgive them for hanging me over the second floor banister. -I hate you Facebook. You’ve wasted my life!

Sure, i’ve tried to quit before, and was soon lured back by a “Gary’s written something on your wall”, or a “Kathy’s commented on your picture”. -But, never again! No way Facebook. I just can’t do it. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me punch a pillow. You’ve… -Wait… Wait, hold on I’m getting a text… Colin Gregory just poked me? I haven’t spoken to Colin in ages! Maybe… -Maybe he wants to hang out? I should reactivate, just to check this one thing out…

Word has it that Richard Dawkins, figurehead of the atheist movement and author of such books as The God Delusion and You Must Be Retarded If You Disagree With Me , has helped found a summer camp.

Camp Quest will feature such camp activities as rock climbing, kayaking, lessons in rational skepticism. In teaching skepticism, Camp Quest has coined a game entitled the Invisible Unicorn Challenge, in which campers must find a way to argue that, just because they do not see it, the invisible unicorn that could, in all probability, surround their every move, does not exist. (This is not, in fact, a joke.)

Perhaps the most controversial of the activities that Dawkins plans to implement is the “Better Know Your Relatives.” The activity, centered around the Darwinian theory of evolution, involves a camper, a cage (but, do not fret, heavily surveilled) room, and an orangutan.

“The purpose of the exercise,” Dawkins stated in an interview with National Lampoon, “is to reconnect the present with the past. We will be able to render irrelevant the ‘missing link’ by studying the ever-evolving relationship of the child and his feral ancestor.”

Dawkins’s camp is coming under heavy fire from multiple different groups, including PETA, numerous Christian organizations, and most notably, normal, intelligent people, who are just as indisposed to take kindly to atheist dogma as they are to religious dogma.

“I don’t mess with the Wii, to be honest with you. It’s kind of an amateur console.”

Finally! Enough time has elapsed since Michael Jackson’s death that the newsfeeds are slowly but surely replenishing themselves with Shia Labeouf gossip and factoids. There’s nothing to take your mind off death like a sweet story about a boy’s undying love for his mother(‘s vagina).

The newest bit of Shia hearsay: Shia hates the Wii. That’s right—Wii, the revolutionary, enabling game console that deludes players into thinking they are exercising, when in fact they are playing a video game. WHY WOULD YOU HATE SOMETHING THAT BRINGS SO MUCH ERRONEOUS HAPPINESS TO SO MANY PEOPLE??? Shia should love the Wii, because the Wii is like the video game version of Michael Bay. Because Michael Bay deludes you into thinking that you are an actor in a really good movie. But in reality, the movie is really bad, and people are transfixed by futuristic machines. Just like the Wii is a futuristic machine that transfixes people into thinking they are really losing weight.

Shia is frustrated. He is frustrated because his shoddy wrist-cast, which he has worn for over eight years and is now an official part of his body, prevents him from playing the Wii with full range of motion. Do not be frustrated, Shia! DO NOT! Be smart about this. It would make a lot more sense, instead of using steel or orthopedic plastic to secure your busted bones, to use the Wii controller. That way you can heal your wounds without having to sacrifice the world’s most technologically advanced gaming system, kind of like Bumblebee is the world’s most technologically advanced Chevy Camaro and the AllSpark is the world’s most technologically advanced McGuffin.

TO RECAP:

SHIA IS FOREVER

Following in the footsteps of Universal’s announcement that they will be making a movie based on the arcade classic Asteroids, MGM has just announced that they will be making a movie based on the arcade game Robocop.

MGM’s decision to make a Robocop movie based on the 1988 Data East video game has caused a great deal of confusion, as the video game, itself, is based on the 1987 Robocop film, distributed by the now-defunct Orion Pictures. The confusion doesn’t end there, as MGM owns Orion Pictures and may have to arbitrate against itself to gain full control of the Robocop rights.

“My brain hurts!” super game fan Jason Markonton screamed as we told him the news while he was waiting in line to buy Barbie Super Playland at GameStop. “I don’t even understand how that would work! Weren’t there three of the movies already? Why not remake those?”

Regardless of confusion over rights and already-existing films, the studio and its director are ready to move forward on the project. Brazilian director Paolo Makoto has already written a rough draft of the script and is eager to put his touch on the arcade non-classic.

“I want to stick with the visual style as much as possible,” Makoto told us from his Beverly Hills office. “There will be much profiles and side-scrolling shots and the Robocop will only be able to punch people until the second act of the movie, when he will suddenly have access to his automatic pistol concealed in his leg. There will also be hundreds of criminals swarming him at all times, and some are so strong that even a sneeze can damage the Robocop! it will be great!”

When asked about his version of the movie being based on a video game, which was based on a movie, Makoto coyly told us, “Real fans of the arcade game don’t consider the previous Robocop film true canon. We’re trying to bring something fresh and original to the table.”

Producer Mark Fordham Johnsberg also sees a great opportunity to open up more video game franchises that are based on movies and television shows.

“Those guys who just want to make video games into movies are so short-sighted,” Johnsberg quipped. “Why do that when you can make a movie based on a game, based on a movie or TV show? The Ducktales show has already been done, but what has been done with the Ducktales video games? Nothing! That’s what!”

Johnsberg then cut off the interview so he could phone Peter Jackson and call him a “kiwi-smoking moron”.

It remains to be seen if the movie-from-video game-from-movie-or-TV genre will take off like Makoto and Johnsberg hope, but with the glut of remakes and re-imaginations so abundant, it seems that Hollywood will embrace this new convoluted genre. Personally, this reporter is hoping for a movie based on the Street Fighter: The Movie arcade game, which was based on the Street Fighter movie, which was based on the Street Fighter arcade game.

Since its inception earlier this month, DTV.org has proven itself as one of the most promising government sponsored public awareness channels in entertainment, producing such hit programs as Watching DTV with a Converter Box and its critically acclaimed sequel, Rescan Your Converter Box. Accordingly, inveterate TV watchers across the nation were biting their nails until the June 12 premier of DTV.gov’s latest minimalist masterpiece, DTV Nightlife Video.

The story, penned by two of our nation’s premier PSA copywriters, is compelling: After explaining why it is now necessary to switch from analog to digital television, Mike DiSerio (playing himself) helps you set up a converter box, talks about antennas, and then answers many questions about digital television. SPOILER ALERT: At its dramatic close, Mr. DiSerio helps you scan for channels and then provides a phone number for more information.  The result: a veritable tour de force of analog broadcasting, an understated vision of technological halcyon the likes of which has never been seen since the AdCouncil’s cyberbullying prevention campaign of 2008.

Despite its masterful plot and gripping content, critics cannot deny that much of DTV Nightlife Video’s success can be attributed to its star, public access newcomer Mike DiSerio.  With his boyishly good looks, giddy enthusiasm and firm broadcaster’s body, DiSerio—whose performance recalls a young William Hurt in Broadcast News—is enough to make any industrially challenged lady swoon.

Mike DiSerio entreats his viewers to keep watching. Does he even have to ask?

It is not easy to overlook DiSerio’s emotional investment in helping you escape from the hellfire of analog, and this palpable display only enhances the program’s winning approach to communicating with its condemned audience members. For example, DTV.org appropriates and improves upon some of television’s most popular broadcasting techniques, which have been scrupulously researched within the walls of their state-of-the art facilities.

Mike DiSerio channels his inner Colbert; a look inside DTV.org’s laboratory, which has not been updated since 1973

Moreover, the form of DTV Nightlife Video is a testament to then inventiveness of the National Association of Broadcasters. There are, in fact, two versions of the video segment which air back-to-back. This is so that the government can reach out to the two groups of Americans who have never heard of technology—elderly white people and immigrants.

Old white people are confused and heartbroken by new technology; a DTV specialist comes into an immigrant’s homes unannounced to explain why her picture is so crappy

From cable wires and antennas to digital converters and the stigma of being an old person, America’s senior citizens have a hard enough time converting to digital without the torture of having to watch Mike DiSerio do it with ease and magnetism. So DTV.org has thoughtfully included little visual clues to help grandpas feel more comfortable as they struggle to execute a equally good-looking transitions. For instance, how will old people know when the TV is receiving their favorite show? DTV.org helps answer this question by featuring short clips of programs that all old people love—namely, NASCAR telecasts. As far as immigrants are concerned, DTV.org knows that they will be able to catch on from screenshots of a Telemundo daytime drama.

An elderly woman enjoys The Fast and the Furious; immigrants get a glimpse of Rosa Salvaje

Despite critics’ near unanimous exaltation of DTV Nightlife Video, the program is not perfect. Namely, it must be noted that both Mike DiSerio and Rodrigo Vidal, his Spanish counterpart, develop smug, superior attitudes by the end of their respective programs—no doubt triggered by viewers’ incompetence and an increased awareness of their own genius.  This would no doubt be a concern, if it were not for DiSerio’s incalculable hotness. Observe that his sharp hairstyle and J. Crew ensemble far eclipses Vidal’s middle part and Men’s Wearhouse daywear.

DiSerio and Vidal rock the pompous look

All things considered, one can see why DTV Nightlife Video is one of this season’s hottest Emmy hopefuls. Make sure to tune into the ceremony come September, when dozens of fans will be anxiously waiting to see the National Association of Broadcasters receive its first award from the hands of host Neil Patrick Harris or Craig Ferguson.

The King Of Pop Is To Be A Butter Statue: If you thought you were the biggest Jackson fan, the city of Des Moines, Iowa begs to differ! In an unrelated story, Des Moines, Iowa now leads the country in size-40 waists.

Woman On Tracks ‘To Clear Her Mind’ Hit By Train: Don’t worry. This dumb-ass only got a leg broken when the train hit her. The 22-year-old claimed she was practicing her performance art piece: Bob Dylan’s “Blood On The Tracks”.

Man Has Boss Killed To Save His Job: Now, ya see? This is exactly why I work for free as an intern. I avoid the fear of losing a paycheck all together.

Man Drenches Wife With Hose For Smoking: And she totally deserved it too. That same man, just a week earlier, punched a squirrel at the park when it did that cute jumping-up-onto-your-table-thing.

S.C. Governor Mark Sanford Admits To Additional Affairs:

Jesus Mark, shut your trap already. I mean really, you’re digging yourself a massive hole there darlin’. I know many other politicians lie about this stuff, and it’s the wrong thing to do, but you’ve swung the pendulum way too far in the opposite direction. Way too many details. It is cool to know, however, that this Argentinian mistress and I both favor hot boy-shorts to thongs.