Well, the hoily-days is over, as soon will be our long national nightmare. I’m talking about the break between the end of the fall season and the beginning of the winter one! What did you think I was talking about? Anyway, Drake is fresh back from getting a ton of presents for Christmas, while I mostly got batteries and napkins for my second-rate Jew Days. Miracle of Lights, my ass. Actually, I have no idea if Drake is Christian or not, but he doesn’t know Yiddish, so he ain’t no Chosen. Go back to Gaza, loser! (so that I can murder you with impunity). Hey, Television!:

Drake: S’up, honkey?

Andy: Hello, Drek, I mean, Drake.

Andy: BAM!

Drake: Was that a burn? I don’t get the subtleties of your humor.

Andy: If only you knew Yiddish.*

Drake: Anyway, 2009! Fuck 2008!  I have so much TV I want to talk about. Can you feel the enthusiasm?

Andy: I know. We’ve been off for the holidays. Can you curb the enthusiasm?

Drake: No! There’s just too much. I want to talk about Leverage, Andy. I don’t hate it!

Andy: Go on.

Drake: 2009 is going to be the year of TV we don’t hate.

Andy: I may doubt that statement.

Drake: It’s the bastard child of Ocean’s Eleven and the A-Team. That about sums it up.

Andy: I love it when a bland comes together.

Drake: It’s about a crew of criminals, and their good-guy leader, who right wrongs and give to the poor and what have you by screwing over large corporations.

Andy: Does he murder the CEOs?

Drake: Usually, it involves some sort of elaborate con game involving fake accents and stealing jewels, so no, generally no; they don’t murder CEOs. At least, not yet. They just steal their money.

We’re like that movie The Grifters. Except we’re not shitty.

Andy: Because I think that’s the only way I could get into the show.

Drake: It’s basic cable.

Andy: Like there’s an episode with a Bernie Madoff-like guy, and they cut his face off. Then they take his family, and bury them alive. But right before they die, they dig them up. Nurse them back to health. And then bury them again.

Drake: See suddenly, we’re really moving away from primetime TV and into Bernie Madoff torture porn. Which might actually sell.

Andy: It’s the only vicarious anti-corporate TV I could stand to watch.

Aaaaaaaaay, Mr. and Mrs. C, it’s me Ponzi!

Drake: Well Ok. But for anybody reading this…ask yourself:

Andy: Like, another episode, they’d just poison the cafeteria at the NY Stock Exchange

Drake: Are you somewhat less inclined to bury people alive than Andy?

Drake: If you answered yes, you might enjoy this show. Though I think you could make a string of internet videos here, Andy. People would watch that.

Andy: I should pitch this. “It’s like Dexter meets Leverage“.

Drake: Wow. Sold. That’s officially the next bubble. Maybe Wall Street could invest in that. What are you going to call it?

Andy: Blood Money.

Drake: Whoa. That just markets itself.

Andy: If only I had the clout or connections to actually pitch this.

Drake: If only…You could always pitch it to the higher ups at the Lampoon.

Andy: Don’t they just make teen movies? And not torture-fantasies for frustrated leftists?

Drake: Do teens not like Wall Street torture sagas? I’m going to need to see some numbers on that.

Andy: I will go take a survey. I will stand outside of the high school near my apartment and ask questions.

Drake: I see no way this could end poorly.

Andy: While wearing a sandwich board that says, “Not a Pedo”.

Drake: That board is key. It’s a little something lawyer folks call indemnity.

Andy: In a hilarious mix-up, some paint will cover up the “Not”, and I will get arrested.

Andy: Anyway, enough of the set up for me to be murdered in a holding cell, let’s talk tofurkey.

Drake: Ok?

Andy: I’m dying in these weeks without new shows.

Drake: That’s certainly true.

Andy: There’s The IT Crowd and I’ve been going back over Venture Bros. Season 2.

Drake: Now see, that’s a great show. I see nothing wrong with that.

Andy: Yeah, I love The Venture Bros. Although their narratives can get a little incoherent (though not in a good way). I was listening to one of the commentaries, and they were talking about how they want to fit in as much as possible. And I’m totally down with that, but there’s a way to do that without having to sacrifice story.

Andy: See 30 Rock.

Drake: Yeah. But the nature of the show is a little obscure, so that doesn’t bother me so much. It’s does sacrifice continuity for random one liners.

Andy: Sometimes they just sacrifice the story itself.

Drake: Sure.

Andy: Which part of me really appreciates.

Drake: Like the yardsale episode, that clearly just doesn’t make any sense and they decided to go off and talk about Depeche Mode for a while. But hey, whatever.

Andy: I can’t remember that episode real well. But I have another example.

Drake: By the way, that show had just about the best line ever with “It feels like someone with a fever is yelling at my pants!’

Andy: That line is from one of my favorite episodes, by the way.

Drake: See I’m in your head.

Andy: In season 2, the episode “Fallen Arches”, where Doctor Orpheus assembles a team, and there are nemesis try-outs. There’s a whole sub-plot with their nemesis taking a dump in the Venture Bros. bathroom. But it’s plotted rather badly and is just kind of jumbled.

Drake: Haha. I definitely remember that. Yeah. I can see that.

Andy: And I don’t need the story spoon-fed to me, but I’d like a little coherence.

Drake: Yeah I gotcha, it’s got a twinge of the bad Monty Python problem.

Andy: So, what were your favorites this year? What are you looking forward to next year?

Drake: Oh, we’re doing a year end wrap up? That seems to be the thing to do as of late.

Drake: Honestly, 2008 sucked. Hard. We’ve really covered most of the highpoints. Except for Testees. Which I think we can get to.

Andy: I was just asking. No wrap-up agenda. I barely remember this last year. All I know is that some dickhole cancelled Pushing Daisies, and for that he can go get fucked by a bear trap.

Drake: Damn right. Hear that dickholes!? Kristen Chenoweth deserves to be in prime time!

Andy: She’s on some new show. Some lawyer thing, I think.

Drake: Oh?

Andy: Christ, I know this is sexist, and I apologize in advance, but her and Anna Friel make me want to hang myself.

In real life, a woman like me wouldn’t even vomit in your direction. Wait, that’s a good thing. Shit.

Andy: The show is some David E. Kelley thing. Legally Mad, I think it’s called?

Drake: Ah. So it is. I could get behind that.

Andy: Is that supposed to be a double entendre?

Drake: It wasn’t supposed to be. But sure, why not. This here’s a comedy show. Although considering Boston Legal and Pushing Daisies got cancelled…This does seem a bit like the forced Frankenstein’s monster of their remains. I’m intrigued.

Andy: Oh fuck, I’ll tell you what I’m looking forward to. The rest of Battlestar Galactica season 4.

Drake: We should get into that more. Yes. Agreed. We should honestly right up a Lampoon’s guide to finding Cylons. That would be a good job for us.

Andy: I’ve told you my theory about the final cylon, haven’t I?

Drake: I think you actually have. We did this a few weeks back. Although, if there’s more, I’m all for it…

Andy: Nope. It’s Billy.

Drake: Ah.

Andy: That’s about all. I’ve shot my proverbial wad.

Drake: Yikes…Also for 2009, 24 and Dollhouse… Things are looking up! Enthusiasm!

Andy: I’ve never watched 24.

Drake: Really?

Andy: The whole torture thing really bothered me.

Drake: Ah. Didn’t you just want to torture and bury people alive?

Andy: I’m all for torturing greedy stock brokers or hedge fund managers, but otherwise…

Drake: Oh ok. Well that’s fair enough.

Andy: I want to torture and kill economic criminals that cause mass misery.

Drake: Most of these guys are just not telling Jack what he needs to know about the missile. Or missiles. It depends on the season.

Andy: Yeah, see that scenario never happens in real life, yet almost all fiction with terrorists has that scene in it. And from actual studies, torture never, ever works. There isn’t one case of people getting reliable intel from torture.

Drake: Yeah it certainly isn’t reliable. On that we do have numbers. The high schooler thing, less so.

Andy: See, when I want to make a show about torturing CEOs, it’s not about extracting information, but about getting revenge.

Andy: Dollhouse, I’m still worried about, but Ill give it a chance.

Drake: Yeah. I’ll certainly tune in. But the premise is fairly mired in “What the hell? Android dolls?”

Andy: Yeah, they’re what, blank slates that get programmed based on what the client wants?

Drake: Yeah.

Andy: Seems a little prostitute-ish.

Heavily-re-written Whores this winter on FOX.

Drake: However, I get the impression they do retain some of their own personality.

Drake: And yes, yes it does. The robot hooker thing is going to have to be addressed.

Andy: Still, it seems like such an improbable premise. Who the fuck would start a business like that? You’d have to be a fucking sociopath.

Drake: A sociopath with a army of Eliza Dushku robots…Now there’s a show. Cut and print.

Drake: We never got to talk Testees. And now we’re done.

Andy: Yeah, wait, what the fuck is Testees? Testees!

Drake: We can talk about Testees next week.

Andy: I won’t even look up what it is. I’ll wait and be surprised.

Drake: Call it a cliffhanger.

Andy: A vaguely ball-sounding cliffhanger.

* Drake’s Frum Facts: Drek is Yiddish for excrement, trash or inferior merchandise–We just hit you with some knowledge!

And talk about delicious coincidence:  Al Franken, comedian and author who’s made quite a living off of writing and dissecting Coulter’s post-9/11 career, looks to be the winner of the Minnesota senate recount.  Sources say he has a massive boner right now.

One of the newest and hottest comedy shows in L.A., the Filthy Or Show, is this coming up this Thursday at The L.A. Improv and I have tickets to give away for Lampoon readers.  Email win@nationallampoon.com and I’ll give away tickets until we run out. We only have about 30 more seats left…

The line-up is as follows:

Mike Dunphy, Mo Collins, Bret Ernst, Sam Tripoli, Stephen Glickman, and Me (Nadine Rajabi)….plus there maybe a surprise guest you won’t want to miss. 

Now, as a new section on our site, here’s this week’s:

Words of Wisdom (w/ Gerard Depardieu):

“Before killing something, I always talk to it. An animal that’s been caressed before it’s killed dies peacefully, and its muscles don’t contract with adrenalin… If an animal is slaughtered in a stress-free way, it tastes better.”

[Depardieu then turned around and knocked a man over with his boom-like nose.]

WENN Headline of the Week (so far):

“Co-host Wants Jackman to Dance on TV”

(This was a close tie with the WENN headline, “Page Tapped for Lesbian Role”. Also, in reference to a story about Harry Shearer once stealing the Simpsons’ Emmy for Best Animation, WENN wrote: “he took swiped the gong”.)

Also, in more press-stopping news, former female, WWF pro-wrestler, Chyna, was hospitalized recently after, quote, “a dangerous birthday binge drinking session”. Chyna told TMZ.com: “All I really want right now is a hamburger and fries right now.” (No word yet on whether there was a typo in the report or if Chyna actually said “right now” twice during the sentence.)

The new film “Marley & Me” is sweeping through the box-office like a hurricane; and, in order to capitalize on that, producers have started a huge merchandising campaign. Viewers can now purchase a limited edition, “Marley & Me” golden retriever with the film’s name branded onto his side.  [Just send three easy low payments of $59.99 to “Puppy in Package”, courtesy of 1428 N. Elm Street, Italy, Europe.]

I set a goal for my post this week. Here it is:

TRY NOT TO MENTION ALL THE PEOPLE DYING.

I think it’s a good goal (be they military, civilian or celebrity child) and I’m going to attempt to avoid the topic all together. Instead, I choose, rather, to focus on the fact that, for the first time in history, 1 in every 100 American citizens is serving time in prison. So, let’s keep it up, America - when the prison ratio hits 50-50 we all get a free crowbar!

READ ON for more about: Tom Cruise saying WACKY things, the New York Post interviewing Richard Belzer, how ONLY 8,000 people ever tried to eat a 72 ounce steak, a Magazine full of Shit-Heads, Spider-Man: The Musical, the new Oldest Woman in the World, Sweden’s GOOFY sexual habits and special things As-Seen-On-TV!

Neapolitan women (women from Naples – not 3 flavored women) have banded together in order to go on a strike - a strike against sex. Yes, it’s true; pussy has finally unionized. Local ladies in the Italian province have joined together and threatened to refuse intercourse if their men don’t learn to refrain from using illegal fireworks to celebrate holidays like New Years Eve. When asked for comment, the men of Naples took a look around at their women and announced in unison: “I’d rather put my dick in the fireworks”.

Tom Cruise credits scientology with helping him overcome his dyslexia. Cruise says, without the organization, he wouldn’t have been able to finish reading “My God Skip” and may never have fully understood his own potential for flight. Cruise has also said he is unable to play Santa Claus at Christmas time after last year when all three of his children recognized him instantly. However, two of his kids are 14 and 16… so, at least, I guess that proves that neither one of them is blind.

There’s a new oldest living woman in the world! 114 year-old, Gertrude Baines is now the oldest living woman. Gertrude has said she appreciates the recognition and now fears death more than ever before. The Zaz Report had hoped to talk with previous title winners about the pressures of this prestigious honor; however, none of them could be reached for comment, as they are all dead.

In case anyone hadn’t heard, “Spider-Man: The Musical” is on it’s way to the stage (starring Evan Rachel Wood and music by Bono and The Edge of U2). So, you can add that to the list of more crap being developed into musicals (eg. “Toxic Avenger: The Musical” and “Young Frankenstein: The Musical”). I’m sure all of these include catchy songs, as well as being forever remembered as tasteful and completely called for.

Did you know, in Sweden, it is illegal for a person to pay for sex? However, selling sex is totally legal (as Sweden considers prostitution a form of “violence against women” and therefore the crime lies with the customer). So, that’s good for prostitutes; which is exactly what I’m looking for from my vice laws. I think we all owe prostitutes a little something in return (though some owe more than others). [In another interesting note: Bestiality is legal in Sweden. However, those who engage in the act can be prosecuted as sex with humans is considered a cause of “severe psychological injury” amongst horses.]

Actor and Lord Richard Attenborough is reportedly in good health, even though he spent all of the Holidays in hospital. We at the Zaz report feel bad for Mr. Attenborough, but even worse for however had to spent their holidays at his bedside, listening to him talk.  (But, in all honesty, it’s completely understandable being loquacious when you have a voice like an Attenborough. Hell, his brother David can make the day-to-day lives of plants seem riveting.)

Since 1960, only 8000 people have ever succeeding in eating an 72 ounce steak in under 1-hour. My girlfriend said it was “amazing” and I agreed. It is, without a doubt, amazing that 8,000 people have actually tried to do that.

Sam Shepard, playwright and actor (author of the play “Buried Child”) was recently arrested for speeding and a DUI. And, not to encourage drunk driving at all, but when the Police Officer pulled Mr. Shepard over and asked to see his ID, I hope he shoved his Pulitzer Prize up the cop’s ass. And I damn well hope they brought out the breathalyzer; because no one with those credentials should ever be asked to touch his finger to his nose.  (Oh, and in case anyone wanted to know, Sam also played banjo on the 2007 Patti Smith cover of “Smells like Teen Spirit”; often, playfully referred to as “Smells like we’re Old”).

When People magazine writes things like “Jessica Alba ate cheese this afternoon”, and then follows it with the sentence “a source told People”, there’s really no way to tell if whether the “source” told the reporter or the reporter just overheard her tell some other people. The only verifying fact is that capital letter in the magazine title – but anyone can accidentally capitalize a P. I mean, hell, I can accidentally capitalize all sorts of letters. So, I guess what I’m getting at is, shouldn’t “People Magazine” change it’s name to “A Bunch of Shitheads Magazine”?

That way they can write “Jessica Alba ate cheese this afternoon, a souce told A Bunch Of Shitheads”, and there will be less confusion. Except, I guess we won’t know if the source actually told a reporter for the magazine, or just a regular bunch of shitheads.

Oh, the tyranny continues.

David Beckham has finally stepped down as the face of PepsiCola, leading hundreds of people like me to ask: “David Beckham was the face of Pepsi? When the fuck did that happen?”

The New York Post is running a Q&A with Richard Belzer, and if the interview doesn’t start with “Richard, why don’t you try to tell the people who you are”, then I think it’s completely missing the entire point of Mr. Belzer’s career.

And, last of all, Charlie Rose was forced to make a national apology after he read an obituary for documentary filmmaker George Butler on his show – even though George Butler is alive and well.

Hacked or Cracked? Rick Sanchez’s Twitter account was hacked this morning and he texted in sick.

Who is the hacker? Artie Lange?

That is all.

Marley And Me (20th Century Fox)                 $24.1 million - 2 wk total $106.5m
Bedtime Stories (Disney)                             $20.3 million - 2 wk total $85.4m
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount) $18.4 million - 2 wk total $79.0m
Valkyrie (MGM)                                           $14.0 million - 2 wk total $60.7m
Yes Man (Warner Bros.)                               $13.9 million - 3 wk total $79.4m
Seven Pounds (Sony)                                  $10.0 million - 3 wk total $60.0m
The Tale of Despereaux (Universal)                $7.0 million - 3 wk total $43.7m
Doubt (Miramax)                                         $5.0 million - 4 wk total $18.7m
The Day the Earth Stood Still (20th Century Fox) $4.9 million - 4 wk total $74.3m
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight)              $4.8 million - 8 wk total $28.8m

Then I saw this story in the Huffington Post:

There was also this:

But they don’t make plummeting reporters like they used to.

Conclusion: The media loves it when people fall down go boom.

Example:

- Jerry Seinfeld asks, “What’s the deal with kids’ birthday parties?”

“…and the babies, and the mothers, and the gifts, and the happiness and the…”

Click for more fun and contractually-obligated celebrity goo worth seeing just because you’re not ready to look at another spreadsheet!

- HAHA, remember that time I got corrective face surgery, and I wanted to go shopping for books and stuff, and my bodyguard brought my umbrella inside, only to unsuccessfully keep my face, entirely bandaged, exposed to the international press!?  So does Michael Jackson.

- That last one merits The Horn.

- What’s more shocking:  1.  Paris Hilton having the capability to express raw human feeling, like those of pardon and forgiveness, just days after $2 million worth of loot was stolen from her home ; or 2.  Paris Hilton actually getting another role in another film.

- SEXCLUSIVE:  NICK JONAS’ TESTOSTERONE (YES, IT EXISTS) SPEAKS OUT.

- Late, but still relevant:  A 4-way with Anne Hathaway only costs $12,000.  Or you could just rent “Havoc”, which is, like, 4 bucks at Blockbuster.

- Lastly, Kathy Griffin goes all Kathy Griffin on someone’s ass on live television.

Nice, CNN. Nice.