In the world of Hollywood marketing, it is fairly common for a hit movie to inspire a board game.  Such spinoffs usually result in a transparent attempt to make a quick buck (such as three different Twilight games) and every so often produce an unmitigated disaster (Parker Brothers’ Monopoly: Caligula Edition).

Now in an intriguing new twist, the film industry has turned a board game into a feature length movie with the release of Battleship.  Which must have made for an interesting pitch meeting…

SCREENWRITER: The hell with explosions and tits!  Let’s give the audience what they really want: people reciting random combinations of letters and numbers!

EXEC: So we need a hero who is capable of memorizing the alphabet.  Who does it star?

SCREENWRITER: Vin Diesel.

EXEC: You lost me.

Like every big studio film, Battleship had to spend time in development.  And after the usual process of rewrites, studio notes, and test audiences, here is a complete list of ways in which the movie is faithful to the game:

1. They have boats.

And after seeing how a movie can make money off the flimsiest of connections to an iconic board game, Lions Gate has demanded that the makers of Saw VIII change the title to Operation: The Movie.

Ordinarily, making drastic alterations to the game’s backstory might give a studio pause about angering knowledgeable fans.  But after viewing Battleship‘s trailer, it’s pretty clear that “knowledgeable” isn’t the demographic Universal is after.  Said trailer begins with a tracking shot of a large body of water dissolving into a caption reading “THE OCEAN.”  And after four seconds, the studio has revealed exactly who this movie was made for: people who are shown a picture of the ocean and still need to see words explaining what they’re looking at.

From there, successive titles attempt to build suspense: “VAST.”  “UNEXPLORED.”  “THE PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE.”  At this point Universal could have saved a lot of time by removing all these superfluous adjectives and just going with “A WET MONTANA.”

But the preview’s most encouraging title is yet to come:

“From the Hasbro Company that brought you Transformers.”

This marks a Hollywood first: a trailer giving top billing to the toy company that inspired a movie.  Perhaps previous films that underperformed at the box office could have benefited from this marketing strategy…

FLOP: “Winner of the Palme d’Or at the Cannes Film Festival.”

HIT: “From the Wham-O Corporation that brought you Requiem For a Dream.”

Another first: this trailer assumes an audience reacts positively to a Michael Bay movie.  Again, maybe studio heads believe this could have made certain films more profitable…

“Akira Kurosawa’s Rashomon. From the nation that inspired Pearl Harbor.”

At this point the preview reveals the movie’s paycheck collector star: Liam Neeson.  Clearly this is an attempt to generate goodwill with gamers as any GenCon attendee can quote this 1987 commercial for the beloved game Guess Who from memory:

GIRL: Does your person wear glasses?

BOY: Yes.

GIRL: That means it’s not you…or you…or you…I guess you’re Tom!

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you.  I will find you.  And I will kill you.

TOM: Oh shit…

ANNOUNCER: Guess Who.  Game cards do not actually talk.

LIAM NEESON: But I will make them…

The rest of the trailer depicts a battleship of US Naval cadets engaging an alien spacecraft.  Which probably comes as a bit of a surprise to anyone who has actually played a game of Battleship.  At least until they take a closer look at the official rules:

Example: You and Alex are the players.  It’s your turn.

You call: “D-4.”

Alex answers: “Hit.  Destroyer.”

A ten foot extraterrestrial grabs Alex by the throat and throws him through the wall.

You call: “D-5.”

The city of Hong Kong explodes in a fiery cataclysm with casualties topping three million.

You win the game!

But any film buff worth his salt knows that this is not the first instance of major studio alterations to a board game’s backstory.  After all, it was only a few years ago that this preview made it to theaters:

TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO IN A TIME OF EXPECTATION

A shot of Pontius Pilate bringing a man before an angry mob.

ONE MAN WOULD CHALLENGE EVERYTHING

The man carries a cross up a giant hill.

TO MAKE IT TO THE TOP OF GUMDROP MOUNTAIN

MEL GIBSON PRESENTS

CANDYLAND

FEATURING THE SNEAKY LORD LICORICE

PLAYED BY: THE JEWS

RATED AGES 3-6 FOR SEQUENCES OF BRUTAL GRAPHIC VIOLENCE.

So just to run down Battleship‘s checklist: Aliens.  Explosions.  CGI.  A hero who doesn’t play by the rules.  How did Hollywood turn Battleship the game into an action movie?  By turning it into every action movie.  And how can the filmmakers still satisfy fans of the board game?  Only if after two hours of nonstop ear shattering violence, the movie ends with an eight year old yelling “I WIN!”

On a recent evening, after curling up with a mug of chamomile tea and Our Bodies, Ourselves, the state of Arizona gently leaned back against some comfortable pillows, spread its legs and put a mirror up to itself get in touch with its anatomy. And the state was horrified by what it saw: in its north end, a seemingly endless network of deep fissures with quivering rims.

“We were disgusted,” said Republican Governor Jan Brewer. “The Grand Canyon looks like the most immodest part of the female anatomy.” The state legislature, immediately proposed a law to completely cover up the canyon’s shocking immodesty, as part of its continued quest to keep government small by over-regulating the reproductive rights of women, making them have lots and lots of babies, who in totall will eventually outnumber the government.

“Children see the Grand Canyon all the time,” said Brewer. “Even if they don’t live nearby they can see photos on the internet. The children need to be protected, whatever the cost. The Grand Canyon is more perverted than a Georgia O’Keefe painting. The flapping wrinkles are huge!”

Several proposals have been made to address the canyon’s obscene nature. Some lawmakers introduced a bill to fill the Grand Canyon with melted cheese and serve as the world’s largest chip bowl, firming its status as a tourist destination, but the bill was unable to address issues of refrigeration. Populist sheriff Joe Arpaio suggested moving the Grand Canyon to the Mexican border and filling it with water to “drown wetbacks” but this was cost prohibative.

The simplest solutions are to fill the Canyon up with concrete or cover it with a tasteful Native American print blanket, should they find one that is 277 miles long.

Drafting of final legislation has hit some stumbles, as lawmakers haven’t quite figured out how to describe the state’s overstated anatomy. “It’s not a vulva,” said one, “because that’s a car.” “And clitoris,” said another, “is just a made-up thing from a Michael Moore movie.”

As a compromise, GOP lawmakers proposed that the section of the canyon they are covering is the “disgusting thing that rhymes with angina.”

In honor of Facebook’s IPO today, we have found this amazing little song about everyone’s favorite waste of time.

WARNING: The film in question had very gruesome, disturbing elements in it, which I will be describing for comedic effect.  Go on and stop now if you might be offended by that sort of thing.

Who walks by a cheese grater and says “Wow.  That would be awesome to scrape that on some girl’s face!”?  Who saw Vince promoting the Slap Chop before he beat up a hooker and thought, “Wow.  I bet that would do a number on a chick’s nipple.”?  Who thinks “You know what would make a girl masturbating better?  Puss filled spider bites!!”?

Aramis Sartorio does.

And more.

The film The Gruesome Death of Tommy Pistol tells three short stories from the twisted mind of a dreaming, struggling actor, played by writer/director/producer Sartorio.  Each of these three “dreams” all have varied feels, themes and story lines and feature Sartorio playing very different characters under the same Tommy Pistol name.  He plays them each with gusto and is personable and engaging in different ways in the segments.  The behind the scenes materials make him seem like a fun, likable guy who people seem to gravitate towards.  A guy who it seems like every group of friends has that everyone likes and usually keeps the group laughing and having fun.  And after seeing the disturbing stuff that was lurking in his mind that he put into this film, he has me looking at my own friends wondering which one of them is secretly the twisted sadist.

The three segments are encapsulated into the meta story about a struggling actor, who’s wife/girlfriend leaves him and takes their daughter until he can start pulling his weight financially in the family and give up his acting dream.  With the wife out of the house, its time for some hot dogs  and porn.  With the hot dog in the microwave, Pistol falls asleep and starts dreaming the first segment, which features a young, naive kid (Sartorio) hopping off the bus in LA to make it as a star.  He’s wide eyes  and eager to get started on a film he answered a craigslist ad for called “Fucked by Death”.

In case anybody ignored the warning at the beginning of the review, I’m going to do my best to describe the atrocities shown in this film using euphemisms safe for a kindergartner.  I would hate for those who ignored the warning to be offended.  And I think it could be funny.

As I mentioned before, the first segment features the young eager Tommy Pistol hopping off a bus to make it as an actor.  When he arrives, two men are carrying someone out who recently went to heaven and plopping them into a dumpster.  Tommy thought he was coming in for a normal acting job.  Tommy was too dense to see, even when openly presented to him, that what he was actually being cast in was… hmmm… a naughty, no-no movie that featured boys playing naughty with girls where sometimes the girls got really bad boo-boos.  Tommy got into wardrobe and then went to his dressing room to get into character.  He worked himself into a frenzy and when it came time for him to act, he went on set and used a cheese grater, just like Mommy and Daddy use to cut the cheese, and he “accidentally” rubbed it all over the girl in the scene.  She had some REALLY bad boo-boos and she went to heaven to be with her grandma and dog who died when she was a little girl.

Even though Tommy lost his temper, the man making the film was so happy, he asked Tommy to do another one.  This time, he put a Slap-Chop (like Mommy and Daddy use to make chopped onions) onto a girl where her milk comes out for her baby.  He “accidentally” hurt her using it when he popped it.  Again and again and again.  And again.  And then one more time.  She went to heaven, too.

Then, there was one more girl to be in their movie.  But she escaped from being tied up (which they did to play a silly game and not at all for malicious purposes) and she made the people making the naughty movie go to heaven.  Everybody except for spunky little Tommy.  He surprised her.  And since she was so naughty, he put her in time out.  And took off her clothes.  She she tried to tell him “No bad touch!”, but Tommy had put a ball in her mouth.  To be silly.  He then thought it would be fun to get out the Slip-N-Slide.  But Tommy had a big problem.  He didn’t have any water on the film set.  What was Tommy to do?  Well, he had a great idea!  He… uhm… (question for my editor: what’s a euphemism “Drained the naked chick of her blood and used it to lubricate the Slip-N-Slide?).

Then End!  (Of that segment.)  (And of that running gag trying to make this story G-Rated.)

That segment was by far my favorite.  From the moment Sartorio stepped off the bus, he looked and played like Zach Braff in “Scrubs” and this whole segment felt like one of JD’s fantasies in that show if he hopped into Eli Roth’s mind instead of his own.  There are some genuinely funny bits with his naivety and denseness.  The effects are top notch and will gross you out if you’re squeamish.   And this was the most conservative segment of the bunch.

The next segment finds a more cunning, savvier Pistol trying to work his way into film by sneaking onto the set of an Arnold Schwarzecantspellhislastname film.  Arnold is played by a huge chubby dude who’s face they never show.  He shouts all of Arnold’s iconic catch phrases in an over the top Austrian as he consumes “Protein pies” made up of raw chicken feet and whipped cream.  Somewhere Lloyd Kaufman is smiling.

Pistol talks one of Arnold’s assistants into storming off set and then kills another to work his way into Arnold’s inner circle.  He then does what any fame seeking actor would do.  He feeds Arnold a drugged Protein Pie, peels off his skin and wears it around trying to become Arnold and take on all the fame and success that goes with it.  And even though he looks like Leatherface wearing a human skin hoodie, some people buy into it.  He then beats up all of the cast and crew on the film in a roid fueled rampage.

The only survivor is a cute Asian girl.  And since all Asian people and born with the ability to do martial arts, they have a big, grand fight.  Sadly they don’t they didn’t capture the “We have an Asian girl!  We can have a Kung Fu Scene” conversation on the behind the scenes feature.

The final segment finds Pistol as a sleazy por director.  His lead actress was recently bitten by a giant spider and is developing welts all over her legs.  And that doesn’t serve as enough of a deterrent for Pistol to consider taking the day off and shooting later.  The chick works around the puss-oozing wounds to masturbate with a big dildo.  But the infection spreads to the rest of the crew.  This segment was a stand alone short before being a part of this film that won “Most Disturbing”.  I know the description I typed above doesn’t convey “Disturbing”, but I can see where they were coming from.

Tommy is awoken from a dream due to a freak masturbation accident.  And that about wraps it up.  Tommy Pistol took home several awards from the PollyGrind Underground Film Festival including Best Dark Comedy, Best Actor and Most Outrageous.  And the parts of the film that do work, do so because Sartorio sells them with such conviction.

What Works

The First two segments.  They were clever, funny and interesting.  Gross out horror doesn’t do a lot for me, but there were enough funny gags to make the first two segments feel really fresh and original.

Aramis Sartorio.  He totally sells his four characters.  He’s funny.

The effects.  Solid work.  You will believe the naked masturbating chick has puss filled welts on her leg.  You will believe Pistol Slap Chopped a chick’s breasts.  And if those two lines interest you, you will want to see this movie.

The Fact that Gruesome Death was produced and starred Aramis and his wife Karen.  And gives me the opportunity to cause some marital rifts by saying things like “Karen totally outshined Aramis in this film.  I bet she’s kind enough to not bring it up, but they both know.”

What Doesn’t Work

The Third segment.  It was done earlier than the rest of the film and it lacked the wit that the other two segments had.  Sartorio wasn’t trying to be likable like the other two and you don’t really have anybody to connect with.   And the whole segment hinges on a spider you never see.  It relies too much on being weird instead of being clever.

The look of the film.  Everything else seems well done for a low budget film except for the look.  It looks like it was shot on your average camcorder.

The overarching storyline.  It didn’t matter.  I didn’t really care about the main character.  He didn’t exist except to string together these three short films.  Then his wiener blew up.  That was pretty much his storyline.  He didn’t get an acting job.  His girlfriend left.  His wiener blew up.

Favorite Line/Quote

From the first segment.  The naive Tommy finds a cheap hotel to stay at.  The obviously fake Indian man who runs the place introduces him to the room with the following:

“I film you masturbate, you film me masturbate.  If we do not touch, we are not gay.”

Then he refers to the TV as “The love box”.  Part of the really clever first segment.

DVD Extras

Holy crap.  They went all out for this.

• Director’s Commentary
• Behind the Scenes Feature – Exhaustive amount of footage here.
• Interviews – With the stars and director and fake Russian who composed the film.
• Multiple Music Videos – The “DJ Tommy Pistol” song and video was awesome.  Don’t even have a joke about it.  It was stuck in my head all day after watching it.  The video is slick and funny.  Its got a cool Methods of Mayhem feel to it.  The other music video from the fake Russian dude, not as much.
• Trailers
• “Space Camp” – A comedy short shown on funnyordie
• “Welcome to Queens” – Another comedy sketch
• Other stuff

Bad Pun Quotes for the Movie Poster

“You could handle checking out this movie… if you GRUESOME balls.” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

“And the Cheese Grater was the timid part of the film…” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

“I felt really guilty about having this film on while my son was in the room even though he’s a month old and had no clue what was going on.” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

Good or Bad

I am going to break it down by segment.  Lumping all three parts into one ranking doesn’t make any sense.  All three suffer from the lackluster visuals.  The first two were well scripted and well acted.  The third one had a slow building story and relied too much on disturbing visuals to engage the audience rather than anything in the story or characters.

So, first two Pretty good.  Third one, sort of poor.

Boring or Entertaining

I was most entertained by the first one.  Sort of entertained by the second and the third just didn’t connect with me at all.

On The Graph

Other Pertinent Info

Release Date: Out Now

Studio: Breaking Glass Pictures

Link to Buy: Here

Trailer:

Oops, no, that is actually a toddler. Our bad. Time Magazine! You rascals!

This week on The National Lampoon Interview Show with Brian McCarthy! Brian sits down with Howard Stern personality Steve Grillo! We catch up on what Steve’s been up to! They discuss his hair, lack of hair and acceptance of hats.

Make sure to follow Steve on Twitter @stevegorilla  and follow Brian @brianpmccarthy

LISTEN HERE!   

Sometimes… you should know better.

“Ordering one of each from the Taco Bell menu seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“I never dreamed I would get Chlamidia from sleeping with Courtney Love!!”

“Maybe killing the little sister of the giant, crazy dude who has fits of rage and hears voices wasn’t the best idea…”

And that bad idea was the catalyst for the Texas film Jacob, following in a long tradition of killing people off.  From Leatherface to the death penalty to JFK.  We kill ‘em right down here.

Jacob (Dylan Horne) is a bald, 6’5″ beast of a dude.  And he hears voices in his head telling him to do awful things like mutilate cats and only wear overalls. He often slips into fits of rage and hurts people and the only person who can overcome the voices and set Jacob straight is his little sister, Sissy (Grace Powell).  Her mother, Edith (Krystn Caldwell, pictured left) works at a diner and is dating the town drunk and dickwad, Otis (Larry Wade Carrell).  Not only is Otis involved with the drop dead gorgeous Edith, but he also finds time to dance and make out with the foxy redhead Renee (Keli/Kelly Burns, pictured below right).  It should be noted that Otis is played by the director, writer and producer Larry Wade Carrell.  It should also be noted that writing yourself scenes to make out with possibly the two most gorgeous people in the film is, in no uncertain terms… brilliant.

Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Otis is thrown in jail after another drunken fight leads to him beating Edith.  After getting out of jail, Otis heads right to the bar to get liquored up again.

He then has his friend Earl (Jeremy James Douglas Norton) take him home where he confronts Sissy and accidentally kills her in his drunken stupor.  Its been let on that many, many times before, Jacob has gotten violent with Otis and every time Sissy is the only reason Jacob backed down and Otis survived.

You would hope that even a hopeless drunk would see that Sissy is the one person you shouldn’t mess with.  I understand you have rage issues and seem to hate everybody, but she should have been the one person you were cool with and brought Skittles to or something.  But, no.  She broke some old trophy of his, he chased her, she fell and hit her head on a rock.  He beat her with a belt.  She died.  Instead of living to make out with all of the town’s hot chicks another day, Otis sticks around to confront Jacob, who literally tears him limb from limb.  And with no one to restrain Jacob… you can probably guess what happens.

This story is shown in parallel with flashbacks to the story of Jacob’s real father, Lawrence (Michael Biehn… yes THAT Michael Biehn), who was a poor

carpenter, who inherited a house rumored to be haunted.  As he begins to work on the house, he finds demonic artifacts under the floor board in a room.  Upon looking at these items, he begins to go crazy, hearing voices and obsessing over this home, forcing him away from his son and the aforementioned hot Edith.  As if staying away from Edith wasn’t crazy enough, he uses his extra time to fix up the haunted house and kill people.  As Lawrence is shot at the end of his rampage, he looks into the eyes of his son, Jacob and seems to pass on the crazy.

The third act is a dizzying series of death and mayhem as the townspeople grab their pitchforks and sawblade-baseball bats and search the town for Jacob, much like the townspeople
rallying together to kill Frankenstein’s monster.  Otis’ twin brother and town deputy, Billy (Also played by Larry Wade Carrell) leads the charge as Jacob leaves a trail of dead bodies on his way to return to the haunted home his father once inherited.  Everyone in the town was kind of sad, but with Otis dead, people started to realize that Edith was available for dating now and they realized the bloody massacre was kind of worth it.

What Worked

Michael Biehn.  As I mentioned in my review for The Victim, I think he can do no wrong.  And his scene where he took out a bar of people while all whacked out hearing voices was twelve kinds of bad ass and funny.  While the Jacob storyline was moving a little slow at that point in the film, this scene came along at the perfect time to give the film a shot of adrenaline until Jacob went on his killing spree.

Grace Powell.  She carried the movie.  She acted most of her scenes opposite Dylan Horne, playing the titular character.  He did a fine job with it, but he didn’t have any lines and had to act cold.  It was almost like she was acting against a prop.  That’s in no way a dig against Horne.  Its just what the role called for.  And that’s not easy for an experienced actor to do, much less a first timer like Powell.  And she did it fantastically.  She was way better than that kid from Phantom Menace.

The kills.  When they took the reins off of Biehn in the 2nd act and Jacob for the third act, we saw some awesome, incredibly staged kills that were fun and gruesome and well done.  Kristi Boul oversaw the effects and did a bad ass job that really made the last part of the film so much fun.  And she apparently kicks ass in bar fights.

The Cinematography.  Just wow.  The incredible work that Cinematographer did on this film gives it a look well beyond its budget.  If you’ve seen his gory slasher Sweatshop (aka Giant Hammer Massacre), then you know he is an unbelievable talent behind the camera and this film is no exception.  And, if you mention this review, Stacy will give you $10 off his cinematography services for YOUR film!

What Didn’t Work

The witch subplot.  There was a witch who showed up at the beginning and end of the film, who supposedly was the source of the madness and curse.  Hearing the Q&A at Texas Frightmare Weekend, it sounded like there was a lot more to the lore and history of the witch and the killing, but it wasn’t fully explained in the film and seemed a little out of place.

Early 2nd Act.  It felt like the focus shifted too much onto the Otis/Edith/Billy Storyline and Jacob and his craziness took a backseat.  You could see where the storyline was going and couldn’t wait for Otis to overstep his bounds and go berserk, but they went a little too deep on this subplot and delayed what we all really wanted to see.  Well, what we really wanted to see beyond more Edith.

Struggling to think of a third one.  Some of the ADR levels were out of whack, but we were told ahead of time they were and it was being worked on.  Some of the performances were just OK, but its a low budget indie.  For a low budget indie, it was VERY well acted.  Talking with some people in the bar, they complained that Sissy had this ratty hair and dirt on her face from living in poverty, yet her dress was so white, it looked like it had been bleached before every shot.  Edith was a poor waitress, yet drove a nice new car.  That could be because of how she looked and the car salesman wanted to impress her, but it was never elaborated on.  And that’s just the sort of things you have on low budget indies like this.  So, third criticism would have to be this:

Where the hell did Jacob come from?  Mother and father look like this:

Add that DNA up and you get this??

I am calling bullshit on those genetics.  I think Edith cheated on Michael Biehn with Butterbean.  (No offense, 6’5″ Dylan Horne).

Favorite Line/Exchange

Instead of highlighting a line or exchange, I just want to again re-emphasize the scene where Biehn goes crazy and kills a bar full of people (including his real life wife, Jennifer Blanc).  It is fast, intense and funny.  And that is my lazy way of getting out of the fact that I didn’t take anything to write with into the screening to take notes and jot down a favorite line or exchange to make fun of.  Please take this movie still of “Renee” from the film looking attractive again:

Quote for The Movie Poster Ideas

“You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry…  I promise I made that up on the spot and didn’t steal it from any TV show.”  – Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

“If you thought The Avengers was fun… good for you!  This was fun, too!” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

“Scrumtrulescent.” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

Good or Bad?

Top notch visuals.  Amazing score.  Above average acting.  Minor pacing issues with the story where the inciting incident happens a little late in the film.  I know this has been an ever-evolving film.  A late push after principal photography brought in Biehn, Jennifer Blanc and James Hampton.  The film has been shown at numerous festivals over the last year and with the responses to the film, tweaks has been made to the flow of the film.  I did not get to catch any of those earlier screenings, but have been told that the edits and the cast additions have made a huge difference and the film as it stands now is very well done.

Boring or Entertaining?

Without the addition of Michael Biehn and his fight scene the film might have drug a little while we waited for Sissy to get killed and set Jacob on his rampage.  But with it, it feels well paced and then we get a bad ass third act and see lots of great carnage that had everyone at Texas Frightmare Weekend cheering.  There are slow bits in the first half, but not to the extent of other “intense” films like Blair Witch and Hostel where NOTHING happens for the first hour and a half.

On The Graph

Film Information

Distributor: None yet

Release Date: TBD

Film Website: HERE

Trailer:

Disclosure

Like with Austin High, I feel obligated to be upfront in saying that I have many good friends who worked on this film, including the film’s writer, director, producer and star, Larry Wade Carrell.  I do all I can to be fair and honest in my reviews, but will leave it up to you to decide if being friends with the film makers has any bearing on my views on the film.

via Daily Mail. A sea monster … and he’s still a nipper! Monster Tasmanian King Crab saved from the pot and shipped to Britain for aquarium display. Claude weighs a mighty 15lbs and measures 15 inches wide and would have produced 20lbs worth of meat.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2137356/Monster-Tasmanian-King-Crabs-saved-pot-shipped-Britain-aquarium-display.html#ixzz1torplIqZ

HONOLULU, Hawaii

Most men take it for granted that they can grow a beard anytime they want, but that’s not the case for everyone.

Statistics say that one out of every seven men can not grow a beard, or if it does grow in, it grows in very sparsel

In particular, there are many men in both the Asian, Hawaiian, and Native American communities, as well as many plain ordinary American men who are “follically challenged” in the facial area.

Now, thanks to a man named Abe Tahanaka there’s a solution.

Mr. Tahanaka is part Japanese, and part Orthodox Jew.

The Orthodox Jewish part of his family is used to having long, full flowing beards.  Many men on the Japanese side of the family can only look on in envy.

His business partner, Ben Matsuhito says, “ Abe simply saw a need and filled it.   He created Rent-A-Beard, and it’s taken off like wildfire.”

In their TV commercial, spokesman Matsuhito explains, “Now every man can have the beard of his dreams.  We offer beards of every size and shape.  We even have a reversible beard for men who need to pack light when traveling, but know they’d like a change of beard when they reach their destination.”

“We have monogrammed beards to help  those careless dry-cleaners get your beard back where it belongs,  we even have the very newest thing in beard security, a beard with a homing device, guaranteed to stop the increase in beard-jacking.”

“Picture this scenario.  Two guys come up to you with guns drawn.  You know they’re after your beard.  Now you can give them that beard, and not have to worry that you’ll never see it again.  Let them get safely away, press your little remote button, and the police will have you and your beard reunited before your face even knows that it’s gone. “

“And for you skiers”, he continued,  “there’s even a beard that comes with a detachable hood, and another model that comes slit up the middle, and doubles as a scarf.”

The security system will come in handy, as Hawaii Five-0 reports a definite increase in beard theft, which they refer to as “beard-napping”, and beard-theft rings have been popping up all over the island.

Many clubs and restaurants in Hawaii have actually opened beard check rooms to accommodate those men who prefer to remove their beards during dinner, but want to make sure they get them back safely when they’re done!

This story has been brought to you by GNN (Gurian News Network), your source for “All The News That’s Fit To Dance To”!  http://www.guriannewsnetwork.com

Please feel free to leave a comment.

Jeffrey Gurian can be reached at Jeffrey@jeffreygurian.com

The NFL is also a fashion show where top prospects show off proper courtroom attire that will likely be shown to a judge sometime in the near future.

To the surprise of no one, Andrew Luck is picked first in the 2012 NFL draft

Men who seem to look younger and younger every year for some reason, get all nice and dressed up for a night at Radio City Music Hall in New York City.

This old football tradition prompts players expecting to be drafted into the NFL to purchase a nice suit. Though football is not played in suits, many of these draft picks will probably follow the way of so many in the league and end up in court (not the basketball court). Some of these prospects will eventually join the list of the 400-plus players who have been arrested since 2000 that you find on the NFL Arrest Database, where you can search by name, team and position.

Watching these athletes break in their finest judicially respectful looks is exciting because the formal attire is awarded by being crowned with a baseball hat.

My cousin Fred and I meet every now and then to talk about sports and politics and our lives. Usually, it’s for lunch at a Chinese restaurant and on this day we did just that. As usual, he ordered Moo Goo Guy Pan. I don’t know what that is and I don’t want to know. I had shrimp and fried rice.

We ordered and poured some tea.
“I had a very unusual month recently,” he told me. I dropped a sweetener into my tea and sat back.
“It was about six in the morning,” he started with. “Bella and I were fast asleep like most people at six in the morning. Suddenly,” and he sat up straight in his chair and put down his tea. “Suddenly, the phone rang. Now, if you have kids who don’t live at home or your parents are pretty old, that’s a ring that scares the hell out of you at that hour. So, I jumped up in a panic. I flung my arms out. My left hand hit Bella in the mouth. My right hand knocked over a full glass of water and the telephone on the nightstand next to me. Bella started yelling at me, holding her head in pain. I jumped out of bed and slipped on the wet floor landing on my face next to the telephone. It was still ringing. Now, my back is killing me. I have a bad back you know.”
“I know,” I said. Just then the food came. He picked up a fork and continued. “I grabbed the phone and shouted, ‘hello.’ It was a robo-call. Some company, I was told, had invented a new cure for emphysema and if I pressed three they would give me the details plus tell me all about the special gift I’d get with my purchase.
“The steam was literally coming off my face. I was lying in a pool of water, my back was like it was in a vice and my wife was asking why I hit her.”
He stopped to eat some Moo Goo Guy Pan.
“Go on,” I said, “did you press three?”
He nodded. “I pressed three. A guy with a thick Indian accent answered. He was abundantly cheery and told me his name was Herbert, then told me how this drug could cure emphysema, also cure headaches, gas pains and help keep my ears clean. I just listened. Now my entire body was red with anger.
“And, “Herbert then announced, “as a special gift we will send you a pillow stuffed the entrails of a Peruvian pigeon. It guarantees sleep so even if the drug doesn’t work, you’ll sleep well.”
Fred put his fork down and looked at me intently. “I don’t have emphysema, never had it. I stayed calm and quietly asked Herbert the name of the company he works for.”
A long pause, then brightly, “’Emphysema is Us.’ I then asked where the company was located. An even longer pause. “Milwaukee,” he said.
“So,” Fred was now pounding on the table, “I said you are with a company called ‘Emphysema is Us,’ in Milwaukee?”
“Yes,” Herbert replied. “Why do you ask?”
Now Fred was so mad he slammed a fist in the table. The Moo Goo Guy Pan bounced off the plate and flew up in the air then landed on Fred’s fist.
He took a napkin and wiped it off. Then Fred went on as I munched on a shrimp.
Now Fred was calm. He went on.
“The next day I took a flight to Milwaukee. At the airport, I looked up ‘Emphysema is Us’ in the phone book and took a cab to the address. When I got there I found out it was an address that was used for mailing purposes. A woman at the one desk there told me that the company was in Calcutta. I told her I was a pigeon entrails salesman and could I have their address.”
I stopped eating my shrimp. This was getting too weird for lunch talk. He went on.
“I went back to Los Angeles and took a plane to Calcutta,” his voice was now lowered. “The flight lasted almost a full day. In Calcutta I took a taxi to the office address that was given to me. The office had a dozen desks, all manned by Indian men, all on their phones.
A woman came by and asked if she could help me. ‘Which one is Herbert?’ I inquired politely. She pointed him out. I thanked her and then left and stood outside of the building until offices started to close. When Herbert came out, I followed him. He stopped at a grocery market then strolled along the busy streets with me close behind him. He came to a small apartment house and entered.
A few minutes later I walked into the building. I found the mailboxes with the tenant’s names on them. There was only one tenant whose first name was Herbert.
I wrote his full name down and checked into a nearby hotel. I asked the desk clerk to see if he could get Herbert’s phone number, giving him the name and address. He called Calcutta information and got it and I returned to my room. I set my alarm for five a.m. I’d decided that was a perfect time.”
Fred was now talking more quickly as though he’d been on a battlefield and was describing warfare.
“At five a.m.,” he went on, “I got up and dialed Herbert’s phone number.
The phone rang a few times and then I heard Herbert’s distressed voice. “Who is it!” He shouted. Behind him, I heard a woman’s voice, “Herbert,” the voice said, “you hit me!”
Now Fred was smiling.
“Herbert,” I shouted. “I think I have emphysema!”
“Can’t talk,” he said. “I fell out of bed. I think I broke something.”
Fred picked up his fork and started eating his Moo Goo Guy Pan. He didn’t stop laughing until he finished.

Aw at the Vast Quantity of Tiny Bits of Paper in the Air

In order to better highlight the celebratory tone just a little bit more, there will be 10% more confetti at this year’s NFL draft.

The NFL Draft Logo, However, Gets No Additional Confetti

“When you want 10% more excitement, 10% more fun, we recommend 10% more confetti,” Radio City Music Hall event planners said.

But some say that one-tenth more confetti will be used to emphasize the victory of maybe getting a job in professional football because, “the draft needs it.” Skeptic on the Street has said, “in order to distract fans from the fact that there are two interesting quarterbacks whose fates are pretty much already decided, and only another running-back fans maybe care about, the NFL has chosen to distract fans with more confetti… just like they are distracting fans from Bountygate by running stories on a new Spygate scandal.”

“With the NHL playoffs going on, the NBA playoffs looming, and the beginning of America’s beloved baseball season, the NFL is trying to ramp up their draft to remind folks in this country that their league is, even during an off-season time like now, supremely exciting,” Marketing Analyst Nora Duhster reports. “It is estimated that 10% more confetti could yield up to 10% more excitement.”

“I didn’t think there was confetti at the NFL draft at all,” newly suspended Meta World Peace (now available to attend the NFL draft), told us.

Wow, is there a lot that guy doesn’t know!

Infant Genius Admitted to College – Says “Don’t Treat Me Like A Baby”

ADELAIDE, Australia

Ten month old Wiley Marshall is by far the youngest student ever admitted to South Australia’s Flinders University, in the capital city of Adelaide.

Born with the ability to speak fluently, the infant genius reportedly greeted both his Mom and Dad in the delivery  room, and thanked them for giving birth to him.   He then went on to thank the doctor and staff for their role in his birth!

Dr. Henry Thurman, head Gynecologist at Adelaide General Hospital where little Wiley was born said he had never seen anything like it before. “ At first”, he said, “ I thought the father was a ventriloquist who was throwing his voice, but then I saw the baby’s lips move, and I felt chills go up my spine.  It’s unsettling to see a newborn infant speak fluently.  And with such impeccable manners!”

Wiley’s professors say they try not to treat him any differently than they do any of the  other students, except for the fact that they tend to hold him when he cries, and often have to help him untie his hat.   “Aside from that”, says Dr. Alan Fyorn his physics professor, “he’s quite independent, and insists on not being treated like a baby.”

He hasn’t chosen his major yet, since he’s just a Freshman, but feels he’s probably cut out for Child Psychology.

Socially, it’s been quite another story.   The school has ordered Flinders sweatshirts and T-shirts in his size, to try and make him feel more like the other students, and two of the campus’ most popular fraternities have asked him to consider “rushing”, but his parents refused to give him permission due to the rumours of wild partying.

Although well liked by most of the students, Wiley has had a difficult time socializing as most of the bars near the campus won’t let him in.

One bar let him in after questioning the authenticity of his proof, when his friends convinced the bouncer that he just looked young for his age.  Later in the evening he was asked to leave  the dancefloor for creating a disturbance, since it seems he can only dance if he’s held under his arms, while he kicks out his legs.  Kicking other dancers, even though accidentally, proved to be too much for the club, and they finally requested that he leave.

Dating has also been an exercise in frustration, since most of  the women don’t want to date him, they just want to pick him up and hold him.

He’s currently engaged in trying to organize an affirmative action group to protect and promote the rights of infants on campus, not realizing the uniqueness of his situation.  So far, he’s the only one!

The Marshall’s have two other children, ages  6, and 8  who often ask their genius baby brother  to help them with their homework.

Gurian News Network (GNN) -Your Source for “All The News That’s Fit To Dance To”  Jeffrey Gurian can be reached at jeffrey@jeffreygurian.com

Austin High.  The acting was a little over the top.  The story had multiple subplots that failed to materialize.  Most sets appeared to be the same room with just a different colored felt backdrop.  Half of the jokes didn’t work.  And it was awesome.

Oh to have watched that movie totally blitzed.

When dealing with films like Half Baked, Nice Dreams, Harold & Kumar or Schindler’s List, you can’t worry if the script follows Robert McKee’s story points to a T.  This movie wasn’t made for Roger Ebert or any film snob.  It was made for the people it celebrates.  The potheads of Austin.  Its a celebration of them, that city and the Keep Austin Weird culture you may not know about if you aren’t very familiar with the Lone Star State.  And in that regard, Austin High is a smashing success.

Michael S Wilson (who is credited with creating the story on imdb) also stars as Principal Wilson of Lady Bird High, with “High” being the key term.  Everyone is blitzed at the school.  The Principal.  The students.  The janitor.  The teacher obsessed with the Simon flashing lights game.  Everyone except for the new Vice Principal, Miss Stick up her Ass (seen left in part of a student’s fantasy), who is bound and determined to put Lady Bird back on the straight and narrow and root out the drugs and depravity in the school.  Film viewers will be happy to know that her cleavage does not fall under the “depravity” category and becomes a focal point for the film.

A local politician named Gennocide (pronounced Gen-Oh-See-Day) is also working actively to de-green Lady Bird High at the behest of his shady, stereotypical, evil Texan with his huge hat and boots.  And there’s also a subplot about three stoner kids trying to see Texas-favorite Julin naked.  And there’s another subplot about a pedicab competition between the guy from that incredible viral Doritos commercial and some hot chicks.    And another subplot about Principal Wilson’s daughter wanting to go to a posh private school.  And something about a falcon.  And a band.  And there was some weed in there, too.

Films like Half Baked and Austin High, the plot solely exists to propel the film from one gag to another.  I said earlier half the gags don’t work.  The converse of that is that half work very well.  The jokes keep coming at such a rapid pace that even if half fall flat, you’re laughing a shit ton.

And I also think I figured out why weed isn’t legal.  The big climax scene.  There is a rally to shutdown a law the would make weed… more illegal… I guess… in Austin.  The rally concludes with the Principal publicly announcing he likes weed and he thinks it should be legal.  The crowd cheers.  They accomplished what they wanted to accomplish.  Slow motion celebration.  Chicks kiss.  Everyone goes home happy.  The stoners think they won and the law is not going to pass.

Sadly, convincing a weed-loving Principal to admit publicly he likes pot has no bearing on how a law is passed.  If that’s what pro-marijuana rallies are like everywhere, I think I see the breakdown in the legislative process.  They might want to… like… do the last step and go vote on it.  I dunno.  Just an idea.

What Worked

Austin High succeeded at making the film it set out to make.  I’ve been told that they discussed scaling back some of the regional aspects of the film to give it a more universal appeal, but that wouldn’t have been the movie they wanted to make.  As an Austinite, I loved seeing basically a road trip movie of Austin, visiting all of the major sites and celebrating the town which everybody loves.  You can tell everybody loves it because EVERY FUCKING BODY IS ON MOPAC AT 5:30 AND IT TAKES HOURS TO GET ANYWHERE!  And its really a sweet love story to Austin and its weirdness buried under fart and herpes jokes.

Michael S Wilson carries the film well.  He does a solid job of playing the man torn between his love of Austin Weirdness and selling out to fiscally support the dreams his daughter has.  No doubt when he came up with the story, he envisioned the part tailored to his strengths as a performers, but he was always believable as the straight man to the punchlines.

One last look at Austin’s famous transvestite homeless icon, Leslie, who recently passed away.

They did not skimp on the attractive females.  Including a fantasy scene at how we all expect Hippie Hollow to look before going there.  Then they bring you back to reality with a look at how it really is with some special treats for the ladies.

The fact that this guy was in it:

What Didn’t Work

At one point, the Principal’s daughter asks him if he wants to go see Jaws  in 3-D at the Drafthouse.  This is just an abomination of film history.  Jaws  was never converted to 3-D.  Jaws 3 was the only 3-D entry in the series and none of the other have been converted using the recent technology that allows for older films to be converted to 3-D.  She might have meant “Do you want to go see Jaws 3 in 3-D.”  But that’s not what she said.  One does not simply lump in Jaws with Jaws 3-D.  A detailed scientific study showed that the success gap between Jaws and Jaws 3-D is the largest gap between a first and third entry in film history.  See here.  It would have been the same damn thing had his daughter said “Hey!  Would you like to go get some steak!”  And they got to the restaurant and she gave him a McRib sandwich.  I know he was high the entire time so he probably didn’t care, but she should have been grounded for the remainder of the film for promising Jaws and taking her father to see Jaws 3-D.  How this error could make it past the scripting, filming and editing stage is beyond me.  For shame.

It really doesn’t matter what else didn’t work if you’re watching this film the way it was intended to be viewed.

Quote for the Movie Poster Ideas

“HIGH-larious!” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

“WE(ed) Love you, Austin!” — Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

“That really hot Vice Principal lady gets a fart in her face if you’re into that sort of thing.”  – Garrett Hargrove – National Lampoon

Favorite Line/Exchange

When anguishing over whether to crack down on the weed at Lady Bird High in exchange for a bribe from evil Texas man to send his daughter to the private school despite her abysmal lack of respect for Jaws, he studies up on how to be a hard ass by reading  Tyranny for Dummies.

The strangely entrancing end credits.  You’ll have to watch it to see.

The hot chick walking in slow-mo and then regular speed gag.

This:

Too many others to list.  Just watch it and quit being a nitpicky asshole.

On The Graph

Release Date FREE TODAY (4/20, Follow the link and enjoy the hot VP Lady) Coming Soon to iTunes and VOD and Netflix

Link to Buy Coming Soon

Trailer

Disclaimer

Being an Austin film maker, I have friends who were in the film and worked on it.  Whether or not it affected my objectivity is up to you to decide.

The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals Championship Team

The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals would like to make sure that people are aware that they are the reigning World Champions by noting their World Champion status as often as possible.

It was not even six months ago that the “Happy Flight” 2011 St. Louis Cardinals beat the Texas Rangers in an exhilarating 7-game series to become major league baseball’s World Champions. Now the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals are back to baseball, working towards completing another successful season, but not without ensuring that all are aware they are the World Champions

The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals have requested to be referred to as The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals until they are no long the World Champions.

“Makes sense,” fan on the street said,”I mean, why focus on the loss of the best player on the team and the retirement of one of the most successful managers in baseball when you can just relish on the title. This is why I like the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals!”

World Champion St. Louis Cardinals World Champion Badge

But not everyone is so enthusiastic., another fan on another street told us that, “World Champion St. Louis Cardinals is so long to say and to type… can we just call them the WCSLC?”

At the time of this article, no one from the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals has confirmed if “WCSLC” is an acceptable way to refer to the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.

Via DOGTV.com release: Scientifically developed. Pup approved. DOGTV is cable’s first television network for dogs that is created exclusively for canines, and the humans who love them.

DOGTV’s 24/7 programing helps stimulate, entertain, relax and habituate dogs with shows that expose them to various movements, sounds, objects, experiences and behavior patterns, all from a dog’s point of view.

But after hours…look out.

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Two as yet unnamed Congressmen, one Republican, one Democrat. were caught after hours in the shower room of the Congressional gym, dancing naked to loud hip-hop music and whipping each other with wet towels.

They were discovered in the early hours of the morning by a janitor who thought he was hearing things, when he heard what he said sounded “like an old hip-hop classic called ” Bitch Betta Have My Money”, by a group named AMG”,  which was popular in 1991.

Lawyers for the Congressmen claim they were working overtime, preparing for a trip to an also as yet unnamed nation where this type of behavior is not only tolerated, but expected.

The Congressmen claimed through their lawyers, that they were afraid if they weren’t proficient at towel dancing it could reflect poorly on our country.

They said it was significant that they represented both political parties and that it was a great example of what could be accomplished by “reaching across the aisle.”

Towel Dancing became popular on college campuses throughout the country, during the mid-to late 80’s, but died out by the early 90’s, coincidentally around the same time as AMG died out!

It  surfaced again on Wall Street during the tech boom of the late 90’s, however this is the first time it has been reported to have occurred within institutions of government.

The President has steadfastly refused to make any comments on these accusations of Towel Dancing until all the facts are in.

Gurian News Network (GNN) -Your Source for “All The News That’s Fit To Dance To”  Jeffrey Gurian can be reached at jeffrey@jeffreygurian.com

via

http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/

Fat, Drunk and Stupid: The Inside Story Behind The Making Of Animal House by Matty Simmons released by St. Martin’s Press has just hit the shelves.

We have been asked to review the book, I told them, ‘Look, just because Matty Simmons was a founder of National Lampoon, where I work and he produced Animal House, my all time favorite movie. Don’t just assume I’ll be giving it a easy review. We are professionals. There is an editorial process. So be prepared.’

One might say Fat, Drunk and Stupid could rank up there with Wuthering Heights, Catcher in the Rye…the Bible. It’s got lots of pages, made of very nice paper, thicker then an old phone book. Medium weight. I believe the font is Georgia. Some might be fooled and say New Times Roman. Not me. I’m a professional.

The real treasure is that this book is written by Matty Simmons.

Matty Simmons has an amazing memory. I know this because I’ve meet him and he rattles off stories the way old Hollywood characters do in movies. After you meet Matty you figure out that those characters in movies are based on him. He’s met everyone, he’s worked with everyone.

This guy is the producer.

Reading this book was a joy. It’s getting an inside scoop on your favorite film. It’s not very crass or exploitive, it’s a well paced, organized breakdown on how everything was made. From the early beginnings of this very brand to the true ‘Where are they now’ of the actors. Everything is covered. Old interviews are unearthed from loads of sources. How they cast the characters, how it was written and almost never made at all after Universal Studios kept wanting to pull the plug.

Making Animal House was an underdog story all its own. If you are a fan of the film, you will love this book. Chances are if you are reading this review, you are a fan of the film. You do the math.

Buy the book online here.

If you are going to be in NY or LA, come meet Matty and he’ll sign your book! If you happen to wake up in a dumpster in Ithaca, NY. Lucky You! He’s screening Animal House and talking to the crowd there.

See his book signing schedule below:

Wednesday April 11:

7pm

Book Court

163 Court Street Brooklyn NY

Friday April 20:

7 pm

Cinemapolis

120 East Green Street  Ithaca NY

Thursday May 3rd:

Book Soup

8818 Sunset Blvd.W. Hollywood CA 90069

National Lampoon’s Matt Zaller sat down with The Three Stooges to discuss their new film. Jane Lynch was nice enough to give him some suggestions that he failed miserably to follow. Follow Matt on twitter @mattzaller and check out the film! We smell Oscar!