Gary Coleman’s wife was locked up for Domestic Violence.  She allegedly broke household items that belonged to Gary but he wasn’t harmed.  When asked about the incident Gary Coleman said, “Whatcha talkin ’bout Willis?”

Apparently, someone in Japan implanted a chip in my brain to spy on me and steal my dreams for profitable movie ideas. Bonus points to those who recognize the background music, or have seen Tokyo Gore Police. Oh, and some of this is a little NSFW, so if you’re looking for a way out of your job, rock it loud.

What’s the best way to boost a company’s morale? By having “Naked Friday”, of course. A design and marketing firm in Newcastle brought in the help of David Taylor, a business psychologist, who suggested the idea. When asked about the idea, David said “Inviting an organization to go naked is the most extreme technique I’ve used, aside from Russian Roulette Mondays at another firm. That one didn’t pan out as well as I had hoped. It’s all fun and games until someone’s brains are blown out the back of their head, right?”

As weird as it sounds, most of the staff were willing to participate. Their were only two employees that opted to keep some secrets to themselves, a male employee who wore a “posing pouch” and a woman who wore black underwear. If you don’t know what a posing pouch is, it’s essentially a g-string. When asked why the employee even had a posing pouch in his possession, he declined to comment.

The house manager, Sam Jackson, was the only woman to not keep her goodies in the jar. “Now that we’ve seen each other naked, there are no barriers. It made sexual harassment that much easier. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner.” Jackson goes on to say “It was a very titillating experience. We were able to completely honest with each other and not be asshamed. As a result, employees have been hard at work. The company has improved massively.”

Status Update: Jess Levith is no longer on Facebook.

Facebook, you can eat it. You’ve proven to be even more toxic than Myspace. Sure, you guise yourself as the conservative, responsible, even MATURE social networking web site. One that my grandmother feels comfortable logging onto before her morning vitamins. But you are evil Facebook, and I must now bid you farewell. You and all of my 465 friends.

Too many quizzes.Too man ex-boyfriend-is-newly-engaged-announcements. Too many high school bullies that have made a 12-step amends to me and want me to forgive them for hanging me over the second floor banister. -I hate you Facebook. You’ve wasted my life!

Sure, i’ve tried to quit before, and was soon lured back by a “Gary’s written something on your wall”, or a “Kathy’s commented on your picture”. -But, never again! No way Facebook. I just can’t do it. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me punch a pillow. You’ve… -Wait… Wait, hold on I’m getting a text… Colin Gregory just poked me? I haven’t spoken to Colin in ages! Maybe… -Maybe he wants to hang out? I should reactivate, just to check this one thing out…

Word has it that Richard Dawkins, figurehead of the atheist movement and author of such books as The God Delusion and You Must Be Retarded If You Disagree With Me , has helped found a summer camp.

Camp Quest will feature such camp activities as rock climbing, kayaking, lessons in rational skepticism. In teaching skepticism, Camp Quest has coined a game entitled the Invisible Unicorn Challenge, in which campers must find a way to argue that, just because they do not see it, the invisible unicorn that could, in all probability, surround their every move, does not exist. (This is not, in fact, a joke.)

Perhaps the most controversial of the activities that Dawkins plans to implement is the “Better Know Your Relatives.” The activity, centered around the Darwinian theory of evolution, involves a camper, a cage (but, do not fret, heavily surveilled) room, and an orangutan.

“The purpose of the exercise,” Dawkins stated in an interview with National Lampoon, “is to reconnect the present with the past. We will be able to render irrelevant the ‘missing link’ by studying the ever-evolving relationship of the child and his feral ancestor.”

Dawkins’s camp is coming under heavy fire from multiple different groups, including PETA, numerous Christian organizations, and most notably, normal, intelligent people, who are just as indisposed to take kindly to atheist dogma as they are to religious dogma.

“I don’t mess with the Wii, to be honest with you. It’s kind of an amateur console.”

Finally! Enough time has elapsed since Michael Jackson’s death that the newsfeeds are slowly but surely replenishing themselves with Shia Labeouf gossip and factoids. There’s nothing to take your mind off death like a sweet story about a boy’s undying love for his mother(‘s vagina).

The newest bit of Shia hearsay: Shia hates the Wii. That’s right—Wii, the revolutionary, enabling game console that deludes players into thinking they are exercising, when in fact they are playing a video game. WHY WOULD YOU HATE SOMETHING THAT BRINGS SO MUCH ERRONEOUS HAPPINESS TO SO MANY PEOPLE??? Shia should love the Wii, because the Wii is like the video game version of Michael Bay. Because Michael Bay deludes you into thinking that you are an actor in a really good movie. But in reality, the movie is really bad, and people are transfixed by futuristic machines. Just like the Wii is a futuristic machine that transfixes people into thinking they are really losing weight.

Shia is frustrated. He is frustrated because his shoddy wrist-cast, which he has worn for over eight years and is now an official part of his body, prevents him from playing the Wii with full range of motion. Do not be frustrated, Shia! DO NOT! Be smart about this. It would make a lot more sense, instead of using steel or orthopedic plastic to secure your busted bones, to use the Wii controller. That way you can heal your wounds without having to sacrifice the world’s most technologically advanced gaming system, kind of like Bumblebee is the world’s most technologically advanced Chevy Camaro and the AllSpark is the world’s most technologically advanced McGuffin.

TO RECAP:

SHIA IS FOREVER