[OK, so it may not be Sunday yet but I needed to post this. It’s 8 pages long but, trust me, it’s totally worth it. Also; I should preface this article by saying, I’m really not as bad a guy as this article makes me sound. Honestly.]
It’s freezing when I leave Chicago. Literally freezing. Things are starting to stick to the ground. I saw a dog lick it’s ass and his tongue just got stuck there (and he was inside, so this should explain how cold we’re talking here). Steam coming out of my mouth is turning into jagged icicles, like some sort of weird snow dragon.
[OK, the snow dragon thing wasn’t true – but the rest of this article totally is. Except for all the parts I made up.]
The colder it gets in Chicago the fatter you start wanting to be. I can always tell when December rolls around because all I want to do is eat and sleep (or eat while sleeping - I’m not quite there yet, but it’s a work in progress). I think this is true everywhere, though; not just Chicago. If I lived in Alaska, I would find a bed and breakfast and never leave.
I’m heading to London, England (not London, Ohio - unfortunately). Currently, the exchange rate from dollars to pounds is terrible. What with the recession and all I had really hoped that we’d be on more of an even level – but no. The dollar still isn’t really worth shit. If you go to a currency exchange with $20 they’ll probably pay you out with pennies.
I get to the airport late and have to rush through the initial baggage check (where I relinquish control of my giant banana yellow north-face bag that will definitely not make me stick out like a sore thumb when I get to the UK). Next it’s off towards the gate.
Now - Rodney Dangerfield is dead.
Which means he never needs to deal with Airline Security again. So, I guess that’s a plus (you’ve got to look at the perks). Security is always hell. Little things starts to piss you off more when you’re in that line; For example, when I got to security their was an older woman, probably early sixties, wearing a bike pollution mask. A BIKE MASK; like she was one of those bright intellects during the SARS breakout who thought something made out of, essentially, a coffee filter would protect them against airborne viruses. I just don’t get it. What’s she protecting herself against? Bad breath? Nanotechnology? What’s her fucking problem?
READ ON for: The US v. UK comparison, Babies on Airplanes, Reviews of the latest In-Flight movies, Richard Branson and his non-Virginal money and More about what that old woman’s fucking problem is!
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