People really like that dog movie…

Marley And Me (20th Century Fox)                 $24.1 million - 2 wk total $106.5m
Bedtime Stories (Disney)                             $20.3 million - 2 wk total $85.4m
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (Paramount) $18.4 million - 2 wk total $79.0m
Valkyrie (MGM)                                           $14.0 million - 2 wk total $60.7m
Yes Man (Warner Bros.)                               $13.9 million - 3 wk total $79.4m
Seven Pounds (Sony)                                  $10.0 million - 3 wk total $60.0m
The Tale of Despereaux (Universal)                $7.0 million - 3 wk total $43.7m
Doubt (Miramax)                                         $5.0 million - 4 wk total $18.7m
The Day the Earth Stood Still (20th Century Fox) $4.9 million - 4 wk total $74.3m
Slumdog Millionaire (Fox Searchlight)              $4.8 million - 8 wk total $28.8m

“Hi.  Yeah, I’m here down in Cabo, where else?  Of course, in a bikini, what else would I be wearing?  Well, Court’s here, naturally.  And that dude she married.  The kid’s here too.  Laura and Sheryl.  What?  A guy?  Well, I may have brought someone down here.  Who?  Well, let me give you some hints.  He’s very funny, covered in tats, plays music and is 10  years younger.  Can you guess?  No?  Well, how about I give you his initials.  It’s JM.  No, not Jesse McCartney.  Oh, you’re joking.  Yeah, it’s been a while since I did comedy, no wait, I was just in a few movies…you’re right they weren’t funny.  Well, it doesn’t matter because I’ve got a man.  And it’s real and special and I want to keep it that way.  Where am I?  You mean right now?  Just standing on the veranda in front of the paparazzi, why?”

2008 was a bad year for reporters and balancing on two legs. I saw this story on the front page of AOL yesterday. Well, it’s not really a story, it’s just some poor guy stumbling.

Then I saw this story in the Huffington Post:

There was also this:

But they don’t make plummeting reporters like they used to.

Conclusion: The media loves it when people fall down go boom.

Example:

A senior Hamas leader was killed by Israeli air strikes yesterday. In other news:

- Jerry Seinfeld asks, “What’s the deal with kids’ birthday parties?”

“…and the babies, and the mothers, and the gifts, and the happiness and the…”

Click for more fun and contractually-obligated celebrity goo worth seeing just because you’re not ready to look at another spreadsheet!

Read the rest of this entry »

[OK, so it may not be Sunday yet but I needed to post this. It’s 8 pages long but, trust me, it’s totally worth it. Also; I should preface this article by saying, I’m really not as bad a guy as this article makes me sound. Honestly.]

It’s freezing when I leave Chicago. Literally freezing. Things are starting to stick to the ground. I saw a dog lick it’s ass and his tongue just got stuck there (and he was inside, so this should explain how cold we’re talking here). Steam coming out of my mouth is turning into jagged icicles, like some sort of weird snow dragon.

[OK, the snow dragon thing wasn’t true – but the rest of this article totally is. Except for all the parts I made up.]

The colder it gets in Chicago the fatter you start wanting to be. I can always tell when December rolls around because all I want to do is eat and sleep (or eat while sleeping - I’m not quite there yet, but it’s a work in progress). I think this is true everywhere, though; not just Chicago. If I lived in Alaska, I would find a bed and breakfast and never leave.

I’m heading to London, England (not London, Ohio - unfortunately). Currently, the exchange rate from dollars to pounds is terrible. What with the recession and all I had really hoped that we’d be on more of an even level – but no. The dollar still isn’t really worth shit. If you go to a currency exchange with $20 they’ll probably pay you out with pennies.

I get to the airport late and have to rush through the initial baggage check (where I relinquish control of my giant banana yellow north-face bag that will definitely not make me stick out like a sore thumb when I get to the UK). Next it’s off towards the gate.

Now - Rodney Dangerfield is dead.

Which means he never needs to deal with Airline Security again. So, I guess that’s a plus (you’ve got to look at the perks). Security is always hell. Little things starts to piss you off more when you’re in that line; For example, when I got to security their was an older woman, probably early sixties, wearing a bike pollution mask. A BIKE MASK; like she was one of those bright intellects during the SARS breakout who thought something made out of, essentially, a coffee filter would protect them against airborne viruses. I just don’t get it. What’s she protecting herself against? Bad breath? Nanotechnology? What’s her fucking problem? 

READ ON for: The US v. UK comparison, Babies on Airplanes, Reviews of the latest In-Flight movies, Richard Branson and his non-Virginal money and More about what that old woman’s fucking problem is!

  Read the rest of this entry »

Children are crying across America this NYE (New Years Eve) on account of Charles Barkley, the hall of fame hoops player with a questionable fluency in English, was arrested for “purportedly” being drunk and operating a vehicle. Now, I put the quotes around the word purportedly because I saw this mugshot:

Followed by these receipts:

Damn Charles. Happy New Years.