America’s Growing Threat, Right Underneath Our Noses

by Wayne

It’s no surprise that America is not the most popular country as of recent decade. As outward threats mount and military tactics are deployed, State and Federal officials seem to be ignoring a key US invader.

Public Enemy Number One

Oprah Winfrey

For years unsuspecting women have invited this seemingly sensitive “underdog” of a television host into their homes. With her salesman like charm and her “can-do-American-attitude,” she would seem like every 25-70 year old woman’s dream shopping friend. And in fact that is exactly what Oprah is, a woman who tries her best to sell your friendship-starved-ass on poor quality products. Whether those products are politicians, computer apps, soda cans, Africans, poor people, grade 4 reading level “novels,” movies based around trite social issues or even actors yearning to feel the limelight again; Oprah pedals them all and spins them into the gold bars that she eventually sleep on in her deprivation tank. However, doesn’t this raise an issue of national security? Isn’t Oprah Winfrey to powerful?

Holding an unbridled tongue on her opinions about every brand name and bill passed under the sun, isn’t it dangerous to have such a large demographic of women and even the occasion hetero-questioning man follow every word of this windbag? A windbag that blows nothing but empty promises and staged rags to riches stories.

It appears that there is only one solution to this national security risk. Yes, assassination is always an option but at this point she’ll only become a martyr. No…a military coup seems like the cleanest way to handle such a task. And to take the reigns of the Oprah Winfrey show we’re going to have to call upon the best and most experience mediocre talk show host there is, Regis Philbin.

Regis Philbin, the man who couldn’t sell a single can of Axe body-spray to a popped collar moron. This is the ringer we need American! A short New York Jewish man who has no interest in computers, politics or Africa. Some may call his pitches simple, but I call them entertainment. The last thing a television personality should do is start preaching a medium that they themselves aren’t beholden to. “Shut up Operah, we can’t all afford to purchase a few Toyota Prius’s and a 50 million dollar house on stilts!”

Regis Philbin is man for the job!

The Plan:

Once Oprah plugs her next electronic item on the show the lights will cut out and the stage will go black. This will give us freedom fighters just enough time to make the switch provided Oprah’s guard dog, Steadman, is successfully tranquilized. Then as the house lights kick in once more the next step goes to you faithful viewer or mindless consumer! Regis will continue Oprah’s monologue verbatim and once his through its your job to buy, buy, buy! Purchase whatever Regis plugs in the show!

The Purpose:

Once the network sees that Regis is just as “successful” as Oprah was, they’ll be forced to stick with him. A contract will be signed and history in the making will unfold, freeing millions of stay at home moms and other women who don’t have an opinion of their own. Thus, making them now free from the harmful mind control devices of Oprah and able to choice for themselves if they want to buy that expensive cleaning agent or not.

The Aftermath:

· Tyler Perry and Dr. Phil will shrivel up like raisins in the sun as their host body, Oprah, has been slain.

· The women who worn the sweat pants of yesteryear will suddenly become attractive and come out of           their homes to finally see the sun light.

· Men everywhere will suffer less ear damage from the now ancient phrase “well Oprah did it.”

· The countries of Africa will finally sustain a healthy economy as well as international governments and          schools that are formed on democracy rather then the hollow money of a media icon.

· The recession with end and American’s everywhere will have a job and a lucrative salary waiting for              them.