“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

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I suppose it was bound to happen. From the first time I watched 30 Rock I was like, this is great, I just wish everyone were ejaculating. Now my dream has come true. They have made a 30 Rock porno. 

The official website actually says the following: “30 ROCK - A XXX PARODY is a must-have for anybody who likes to laugh or cum!”

I instantly bumped this cinematic tour de force to the top of my Netflix queue above Schindler’s Fist (another porno) and Hannah Montana – The Best of Both Worlds (surprisingly not a porno.) I instantly watched it and it was marvelous. Someone who looks mildly like Tina Fey naked is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

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1.    And it came to pass, when ZUCKER would take up Silverman from NBC by a whirlwind, that Silverman went with Gaspin from GE Co.
2.    And Silverman said unto Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to Hollywood. And Gaspin said unto him, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they went down to Hollywood.
3.    And the sons of the gossip rags that were at Hollywood came forth to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head to day? And he said, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
4.    And Silverman said unto him, Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And he said, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they came to 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
5.    And the sons of the NBC shareholders that were at 30 Rockefeller Plaza came to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head today? And he answered, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
6.    And Silverman took his peacock-monogrammed bathrobe, and wrapped it together, and smote the waters of fourth place, and they were divided hither and thither, so that they two went over on dry ground.
7.    And it came to pass, when they were gone over, that Silverman said unto Gaspin, Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee. And Gaspin said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy creative, not entrepreneurial nor vivacious party-time-with-Ryan-Seacrest spirit be upon me.
8.    And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Silverman went up by a whirlwind into InterActiveCorp.
9.    And Gaspin saw it, and he cried, My co-chairman, my co-chairman, the chariot of quality-albeit-last-placed-programming, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more: and he took hold of his own peacock pin, and tried very hard to rend it in two pieces, but could not, for the peacock pin is small and stalwart.
10.    He took up also the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Bur.
11.    And he took the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and smote the waters, and said, Where is ZUCKER, Lord of Silverman? and when he also had smitten the waters, they parted hither and thither: and Gaspin went over.
12.    And when the sons of the shareholders which were to view at 30 Rockefeller Plaza saw him, they said, the spirit of Silverman doth rest on Gaspin. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him.
13.    And they knelt, and prayed that he would not give them more failures such as Knight Rider, My Own Worst Enemy, Kath & Kim, Lipstick Jungle, Crusoe, Kings, The Philanthropist, American Gladiators, America’s Toughest Jobs, Phenomenon, The Chopping Block, Superstars of Dance, Amne$ia, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, Momma’s Boys, Howie Do It, The Listener, Rosie Live!, and Merlin. Amen.

Fed up with NBC’s primetime lineup, Norway (yes, the whole country) has declared war on “The Wanted” by calling it superficial. The country has a beef with the show portraying it as welcoming and open to all terrorists who want to flee the grasp of justice. Norway would like the American populace (who doesn’t know where Norway is) to know that they are trying their best to expel or extradite known terrorist fugitives… and that the makers of “The Wanted” are doo-doo heads.

I applaud Norway (still the whole country) for bringing NBC’s criminal behavior to the forefront. As someone who has suffered through most their lineup when the cable is out, I not only agree with Norway’s assessment of superficiality, but I don’t think they go far enough. There is much more that could be done to stop the menace that NBC poses to the world.

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There is a reason why Sesame Street is still on the air. This is brilliant: