New parents Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have already been visited by Child Protective Services, and not to say “congrats!”

Recently, babies have been designated as extremely annoying by pretty much the world. How can this be when all they do is eat, drink, cry, piss and poop? Disregard my argument. Quite frankly, people are sick of the little shit machines being obnoxious in public. The people have had enough.

In case you didn’t hear, some dickwad, James L. Lee, took people hostage at the Discovery Channel in order to force them to change their programming in order to help him complete his crazy person goals.  Inspired by Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth, Lee decided that his only course of action to save the planet was forcing The Discovery Channel to change its lineup to point out the error of our ways and force us to change our lives or even just end our lives.  Apparently he didn’t realize Discovery …

It was happily announced yesterday that one Mr. Thomas Beatie gave birth to his third child, making him the first man to ever to push out little baby Beaties with semi-Octomomic fervor.
We remember the first time Mr. Beatie got knocked up and Oprah and her audience went all gaga over the story before she announced that pregnant men were her new favorite things and everyone in the audience would be going home with one. But before we continue to revel in the wonder that is male obstetrics, can we please …

Mia Washington of Dallas Texas was elated earlier this week, when she found out that, in addition to her twin boys being illegitimate, they had 2 different fathers. “SWEET!” cried Mia. “Double child support! And I betcha there’s a prom-scuity tax exemption too, huh? Dang it, these boys is great!”
There have only been about 10 cases worldwide of this “heteropaternal fecundation”, which is odd, because for this to occur, a woman only needs to have sex with 2 different men during one ovulation cycle. And well… how rare is that? …

pic thanks @vaov – Veronica Osorio Videtta
Scientists have discovered the source of the recent Swine Flu epidemic that’s sweeping North America. The subject seen here, known to the scientific community as “Piglet 1″, has been confirmed making out with 3 pigs in Northwestern Arkansas on separate occasions. The child is being hunted down for quarantine.

Wait. Hold on. That’s not right. An LA woman gave birth to 8 babies today in a triumph of science and breeding not seen since the likes of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Mazal tov, one and all.