They’re taking bet in Vegas on the Obama Union address. There were odds placed on what color his tie would be. If people are betting on this, I should get in on the action, make Daddy some moolah; ‘cus I called Obama before the primaries. And, after tonight, I’m sticking with my team.

“From time to time, the President shall give to Congress information about the state of our union”. Not his words, but he rocked the script. He’s got the moves down. He’s like a young Franklin Delano Kennedy, this one. Am I right?

It was beautiful.

The networks are set; the house is packed. It’s gonna be a big night.

ROUND ONE:

The bell rings. Obama’s philosophically boxing with half the audience. He wants their approval and they don’t want to give it to him. Obama starts off heavy, double jab, “It’s tempting to look back on these moments and assume that our progress was inevitable….” – HE WINDS UP – “But when the Union was turned back at Bull Run” –LEFT JAB – “when allies first landed at Omaha beach” – ANOTHER JAB – “victory was very much in doubt” – BIG RIGHT HAND.

Now he’s got ‘em on the ropes, they bounce back and it was like a Tyson knockout, the hand goes back, they’re bouncing right into it, “Again we are tested, again we must answer History’s call”.

BOOM – it starting to look like that’ll end it all folks; people are on the sideline scream “Frazier’s going down, Frazier’s going down”.

BUT NO - the republicans are sticking with it – they’re getting back up, there’s not even time for a count. These boys are in it for the long haul. They’re gritty, they’re fighters. They’re John Henry – fighting the machine. They’re driving the piles deep, gritting the teeth, digging in and sticking to their gun.

Somehow, these old juggernauts can’t be moved.

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The Washington Post is reporting that Barack Obama plans to push back his State of the Union address to February 2^nd. This is the same night as the season premiere of the sixth, and final, season of Lost. And while White House sources claim Obama will push back the primetime speech in order to pass Health Care legislation first, one wonders if more sinister reasons are to blame.

My anger at the President caused me to attend a Tea Party rally. There I discovered many Lost fans with theories on why Obama hates the awesome show. The best explanation: Obama is freaked out by the multitudes of similarities between his life and the hit ABC show.

Such as…

SPOILERS OF LOST SEASONS 1-5 BELOW:

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As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, however, instantly feel cooler, look awesome smoking the four and a half packs of cigarettes necessary for the evening, and increase your chances of cheating on your wife.

Barack Obama:

Be America’s favorite current president for Halloween! Optional styles include: secret Muslim Obama, Messiah Obama, Socialist Obama, and Kenyan baby Obama.

This costume is not recommended if you are white. Except … is it still considered black face if Obama is half white? Cause technically, that means all the black people going as him are doing white face then. And that is extremely offensive to me.

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For an award show known for surprises (Madonna kissing Britney, Russell Brand claiming he molested at least one of the Jonas Brothers), the VMAs 2009 presented one more.

Kanye West, eternal five year old screaming for more attention, decided to get on stage and tell everyone how much he loved Beyonce’s music video. Only he decided the proper time was during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech.

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Hi there! my name is Li’l Chaim Jones-Zimmerstein and I am currently a fourth grader at Horace Mann Elementary School in Dustysuck, Montana. I’m writing today in response to President Obama’s address to me, and the nation’s schoolchildren in all the Dustysucks of this great nation.

Before I start, I want to say that my mommy and daddy didn’t want me to go to school today, but I told them I wanted to. “Why, Li’l Chaim?” they asked, and “You want Barack Hussein Arugula Buttface Commie Obama to indocternate you?” No, but I wanted to see what the president was going to tell me. When else would the president talk straight to me? I was willing to risk indoctrination to hear what the president would tell me! “Mama, Papa,” I said, “Being indocternated sounds right frightful, but this is a very important occasion. Imagine—I could be the next first African-American president of the United States of America!” To which my parents responded curtly, “You could, Li’l Chaim, but not by listenin’ to Suck McMarxface over there.” (Just kidding, they didn’t say that. They are intelligent people, and would never associate you with arugula. Just kidding again, they probably would, but they wouldn’t say that stuff, because they’re not inbred pieces of trash who spew diarrhea from their mouths in the hope of inciting fire.)

You see, I was (or, I guess, am currently in the process of being) raised in a very conservative household. I’m not talking neoconservative Evangelical Christian. What I mean when I say conservative is Liberal. Now, I know, this can be a little confusing, but see if you can follow me. You see what I did there, with that “L”? I capitalized it. Apparently, or so my parents tell me, a capitalized-L Liberal implies “Classical Liberal” of the Free Market-loving, laissez-faire­-preaching, Adam Smith-worshipping sort. I need to make that distinction because too honest these days, my parents tell me, conservatives of the George Bush II variety screw up conservatism and like to spend lots of money on lots of nothing, at least that’s what I remember from when my parents used to read me The Economist before going to bed.

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President Barack Obama’s plan to booze up Professor Henry Gates and Officer James Crowley in an effort to solve their feud has succeeded. In fact, as the three men exited the so-called Beer Summit, in which Obama invited both men to the White House for a brew, Obama calmly announced that all racial problems were over.

While it is not clear how the beers ended decades of racial discrimination and mistrust on both sides, but Obama said that after having the brewskis, all racial problems would go away. Crowley and Gates then high fived, and headed back in to the Oval Office for round two. Obama said the Beer Summit is going great, except for Biden having to be “that guy” and showing up uninvited.

Not since Teddy Roosevelt invited feuding Russians and Japanese for the Treaty of Portsmouth Kegger of 1905 has a president so deftly used alcohol to solve world issues. Obama was so proud of the achievement that he has already announced its use in other world conflicts.

“I am thinking of having the Sunnis and Shiites to the White House for a Hookah Conference,” stated Obama, only slightly slurring his words. “And if this succeeds, I can see our administration setting up similar events to the Beer Summit. A cigar assembly. A Mike’s Hard Lemonade meeting. A cocaine convention.” Obama then finished the press conference, and re-entered the Oval Office to begin a game of Beer Summit pong.