As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, however, instantly feel cooler, look awesome smoking the four and a half packs of cigarettes necessary for the evening, and increase your chances of cheating on your wife.

Barack Obama:

Be America’s favorite current president for Halloween! Optional styles include: secret Muslim Obama, Messiah Obama, Socialist Obama, and Kenyan baby Obama.

This costume is not recommended if you are white. Except … is it still considered black face if Obama is half white? Cause technically, that means all the black people going as him are doing white face then. And that is extremely offensive to me.

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For an award show known for surprises (Madonna kissing Britney, Russell Brand claiming he molested at least one of the Jonas Brothers), the VMAs 2009 presented one more.

Kanye West, eternal five year old screaming for more attention, decided to get on stage and tell everyone how much he loved Beyonce’s music video. Only he decided the proper time was during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech.

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Hi there! my name is Li’l Chaim Jones-Zimmerstein and I am currently a fourth grader at Horace Mann Elementary School in Dustysuck, Montana. I’m writing today in response to President Obama’s address to me, and the nation’s schoolchildren in all the Dustysucks of this great nation.

Before I start, I want to say that my mommy and daddy didn’t want me to go to school today, but I told them I wanted to. “Why, Li’l Chaim?” they asked, and “You want Barack Hussein Arugula Buttface Commie Obama to indocternate you?” No, but I wanted to see what the president was going to tell me. When else would the president talk straight to me? I was willing to risk indoctrination to hear what the president would tell me! “Mama, Papa,” I said, “Being indocternated sounds right frightful, but this is a very important occasion. Imagine—I could be the next first African-American president of the United States of America!” To which my parents responded curtly, “You could, Li’l Chaim, but not by listenin’ to Suck McMarxface over there.” (Just kidding, they didn’t say that. They are intelligent people, and would never associate you with arugula. Just kidding again, they probably would, but they wouldn’t say that stuff, because they’re not inbred pieces of trash who spew diarrhea from their mouths in the hope of inciting fire.)

You see, I was (or, I guess, am currently in the process of being) raised in a very conservative household. I’m not talking neoconservative Evangelical Christian. What I mean when I say conservative is Liberal. Now, I know, this can be a little confusing, but see if you can follow me. You see what I did there, with that “L”? I capitalized it. Apparently, or so my parents tell me, a capitalized-L Liberal implies “Classical Liberal” of the Free Market-loving, laissez-faire­-preaching, Adam Smith-worshipping sort. I need to make that distinction because too honest these days, my parents tell me, conservatives of the George Bush II variety screw up conservatism and like to spend lots of money on lots of nothing, at least that’s what I remember from when my parents used to read me The Economist before going to bed.

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President Barack Obama’s plan to booze up Professor Henry Gates and Officer James Crowley in an effort to solve their feud has succeeded. In fact, as the three men exited the so-called Beer Summit, in which Obama invited both men to the White House for a brew, Obama calmly announced that all racial problems were over.

While it is not clear how the beers ended decades of racial discrimination and mistrust on both sides, but Obama said that after having the brewskis, all racial problems would go away. Crowley and Gates then high fived, and headed back in to the Oval Office for round two. Obama said the Beer Summit is going great, except for Biden having to be “that guy” and showing up uninvited.

Not since Teddy Roosevelt invited feuding Russians and Japanese for the Treaty of Portsmouth Kegger of 1905 has a president so deftly used alcohol to solve world issues. Obama was so proud of the achievement that he has already announced its use in other world conflicts.

“I am thinking of having the Sunnis and Shiites to the White House for a Hookah Conference,” stated Obama, only slightly slurring his words. “And if this succeeds, I can see our administration setting up similar events to the Beer Summit. A cigar assembly. A Mike’s Hard Lemonade meeting. A cocaine convention.” Obama then finished the press conference, and re-entered the Oval Office to begin a game of Beer Summit pong.

In a press conference, President Obama announced Professor Henry Louis Gates and Police Sgt. James Crowley would both be coming to the White House to “have a beer.” The following day, the White House is now in ruins, and all three men have been charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and exposure.

“I sincerely apologize for my actions last night. They could have been recalibrated,” Obama said in a press conference earlier today. “Excuse me, I’m a little hungover.” The President then vomited over the front row of the press core.

Obama recently made comments against Police Officer Crowley, claiming in the arrest of Professor Gates he “acted stupidly” and was racial profiling. By inviting both men to the White House, Obama planned the event as a peace offering. However, the three men could not hold their drink, and the night quickly turned wild.

Four separate noise complaints were filed, and when officers arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, they found the Obama administration had already begun the party. Local college students arrived, bringing kegs and starting games of beer pong in the Oval Office. One young person defecated in the Lincoln bedroom.

Obama, Gates, and Crowley claim to have begun the evening with a casual beer. But soon the shots of Jägermeister came out. After that, Obama claims he has “no recollection” of what transpired next. Apparently, the three men lost Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. and are currently retracing their steps to find him.

During the party, Joe Biden was said to have called several ex-girlfriends. A source close to the Obama administration has been quoted as saying, “if you think he says dumb things when he’s sober…” In addition, Department of Agriculture Secretary Thomas J. Vilsack drew penises on United States Trade Representative Ambassador Ronald Kirk’s passed out face. Michelle Obama was seen making out with Hilary Clinton and flashing her titties to the cameras.

Upon leaving the White House, Obama, Gates, and Crowley drunkenly walked the streets of Washington D.C. Professor Gates stopped to urinate in the Washington Reflecting Pool. Obama was overhead yelling to Crowley, “you act stupidly, and I’ll just get stupid!” Obama claimed he hadn’t been this “fucked up since … [a] high school coke binge.”

The White House has been left with thousands of dollars in damage and a horse has eaten the Rose Garden. It is the most damage done to the White House since Andrew Jackson’s inauguration party. Although some claim George W. Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” weekend bender came close, with Dick Cheney, plastered on Greygoose, shooting a shotgun at the presidential portrait of Jimmy Carter.

In the aftermath, some political analysts believe Obama’s plan worked all along. An onlooker overheard Gates, while smashing bottles against a car, telling Crowley, “I love you. I do, man. You’re great, man. We’re cool right? Right, man? I love you.”

July 6 has just become an epochal and seminal day in American history. You may remember it as the day Jan Hus was burnt at the stake in Czechoslovakia, or as the anniversary of Richard III’s coronation in England in 1483. Today, July 6, 2009, marks the day for America when Kal Penn assumes his pivotal role in the American government as Associate Director in the Office of Public Engagement.

You may very well be asking yourself, what does this mean for the American people, let alone Penn himself?

Well, it marks for Obama the beginning of a massive public outreach program, albeit more subtle in approach than his previous Town Hall meetings or network-dominating announcements. No, this marks the beginning of a more sweeping, far-reaching campaign. It’s name: Operation Munchie Migrants.

In recruiting Penn for his vital role as liaison to the public, Obama has already sent the message to the United States, “Yes, we can reach White Castle without raising your taxes.”

But Obama wants more than that. Kal Penn represents the American dream. He came from nothing, that is, a the weed-smoking do-nothing, who, with some hard work and determination reaches his dream: thirty two sliders. And, really, isn’t that what America needs right now? Some weed, hard work, and sliders—that’s the American dream.