The books have sold in the millions… mainly to half of the population.  The movies have truly resonated… with half the population.  This cultural phenomenon has swept over the nation in a crazed wave… with half of the population.  “The Twilight Saga”.   The story is a vampire falling in love with a plain girl and then she becomes torn between the vampire and a werewolf and so they fight over her.  And while it sounds like Monster Squad 2, guys have stayed away.  Twilight the movie took in $191 million and New Moon currently has raked in $231 million in only two weeks.  Two weeks!  New Moon could have been the most successful movie of all time, beating out Titanic.  But they failed to appeal to both sides of the aisle.  Of that $231 million, $229 million were directly attributable to females or males going with the hopes of making females happy.  While The Dark Knight continued to grow after week 1, New Moon took a sharp dive in its second weekend because guys couldn’t go to work on Monday and say, “I saw that vampire movie this weekend and it was awesome.”

Being the dedicated reporter I am, I went deep under cover and took in Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon and figure out why a film that matches vampires against werewolves doesn’t resonate with the male population. After viewing both films in consecutive days, I think there are some easy things we can do to make these films more palatable for guys, yet still maintaining the integrity of the love story that the females are so digging.  We, as guys, should not have to groan and moan at seeing a movie where vampires fight werewolves.  I mean, come on.  We gave you chicks James Cameron, our testosterone legend, to make Titanic.  The dude made Aliens and we just gave him to you to make a Leonardo DiCaprio love story with a Celine Dion theme song.  There’s no coming back from that.  He’s yours now.  Even if Avatar is amazing, he’s never coming back to us.  The least could meet us half way on Twilight.  So here now are 10 easy suggestions for making The Twilight Saga more guy friendly.

(After the break):

Read More

By: Eddie “Cube” Rawls

Last night’s election results in states I do not reside left a huge impact on complex domestic and foreign issues alike.  Unquestionably, we can extrapolate the results of statewide elections and form one singular conclusion all nuclear physicists and political pundits can agree on as we march towards a more perfect union and world peace…

Read More

A coworker of mine asked what happened in last night’s episode of Entourage. I responded: “nothing.” Absolutely nothing happened in last night’s episode. So why do I keep watching this show?

My name is Thane and I have an addiction to Entourage.

Experts I’ve spoken to say it’s very easy to give up watching a show. They give examples of men and women who have quit Lost cold turkey. I cannot. I lack the will power. But more importantly, I like this show. Despite how bad and lame and repetitive it’s become, I still like this retarded show.

What I like: every episode has hot women, interesting industry speak and Ari doing something amusing with Lloyd. Maybe Johnny Drama gets in a funny line. But the inventiveness and fun of the first three seasons are long gone. All that remains is a group of buddies that I must tune in with weekly, or else I’ll feel like I’m losing my friends.

I got my fix last fall, with a semi-good season of Entourage in which the boys battle Jason Patric. But then the winter came. At night I had cold sweats. I tried calming the inner demons by substituting my love with another show. But somehow The United States of Tara couldn’t fill the hole.

Now the show is back on, and I feel warm inside. Despite my teeth getting loose, I feel better than ever. Which is why I was surprised when I entered by home to find my friends and family staging an intervention.

They started by telling me they love me, but I need to stop watching Entourage. I said I know its not good, but I’ve got it under control. They pointed to the fact that I keep buying the season DVDs, despite them not being good enough to watch a second time. They pointed out that every episode, with Vince messing something up yet getting the movie role anyway, has become ridiculously repetitive.

I burst into tears, and my family took me to a facility – far, far from Entourage. They showed me all the quality comedy shows currently on HBO. Eastbound and Down. Flight of the Conchords. Curb Your Enthusiasm. There was no need to stick with something this mediocre any longer.

I write now from my hospital room. Can I live in a world without Vince, E, Turtle, Drama, Ari, Lloyd, or Mrs. Ari? In a world where Head On, Queen’s Blvd, Aquaman, Medallion, and Scorcese’s Gatsby never existed?

I understand now my addiction. In the early seasons, I watched Entourage for the high. Now I only watch so I don’t feel sick.

That’s it. I’m done. I don’t need thirty minutes of Jeremy Piven and boobs to get me through the week. I finally feel good about myself. I feel free. I will never watch Entourage again.

Editor’s Note: Thane relapsed upon leaving the facility, arriving home and binging on a weekend of HBO On Demand.

When Scream came out in the 90’s, it was a revolutionary horror film. It was post-modern, actively mocking the genre of scary movies, while being quite scary itself. Scream 2 had interesting moments by satirizing sequel conventions: more blood, bigger body count, and ridiculous killers. Even Scream 3 had something interesting to say about trilogy conventions: in the last movies in trilogies, all bets are off, and anyone can die. Good stuff.

Now they are discussing Scream 4.

Before you start rioting in the streets, overturning cars, firebombing small businesses, and shooting people from bell towers, I may have a way to make this worthwhile.

You see, I am an unemployed screenwriter. I have already written a script based on the life story of turn of the century politician William Jennings Bryan – but as a comedy. It is Forrest Gump meets Citizen Kane meets American Pie Presents Band Camp.

So, I’m clearly qualified to write the fourth Scream film. And here’s my idea.

You make it where the film is satirizing the recent craze of horror movie remakes. It’s the “remake” killer. He starts killing everyone in the same way as previous horror films.

And you totally get Neve Campbell to star in it, and put her face on the poster, but in the first scene she gets a phone call, and she’s totally like “hey this is just like the first Scream movie,” and the killer is like, “yeah, I’m the remake killer,” and she’s like, “remakes are never as good as the original,” and he’s like, “this one is,” and then he totally stabs Neve Campbell and she fucking dies man, and the audience is like, “oh shit,” and I’m like, “hell yeah!”

And remember in the first three movies, they are making a movie based on the story of the first movie. Well, in this one, they are remaking the movie based on the first movie, and the killer is killing according to the script for the remake to the first movie.

Get it? Doesn’t matter. The movie’s gonna have boobs in it.

So, Academy Awards, please spell my name correctly when engraving my award.

And if anyone is interested in my historical sex romp about little known Chautauqua speaker, anti-imperialist, trust busting, three time Presidential nominee, Secretary of State, and pimp William Jennings Bryan, please email me for details.