Dear Leno,

I know you’re busy with this late night drama, but I just want to remind you of what you said in 2004, since it seems you have forgotten this:

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Jay Leno rules late night. He’s not the funniest. (or funny at all in my humble opinion) He’s not the brightest. His voice sounds like tribbles copulating in a gunny sack, and he’s weird-looking to boot. Yet somehow, he’s managed to oust both Letterman and O’Brien from the halls of NBC. How does he do it?

Old People.

You might think that Leno attracts old people because his humor is edgeless and about as subversive as an episode of Leave it to Beaver.  There’s more to it than that. It’s the way television has changed and old people have not.

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Did you guys watch Conan last night?  What did you think?  Not his best, but not his worst…The show seemed like Late Night on steroids, but in a good way…

Here’s the cold open in case you missed it:

Champagne will be popped, tears of joy shed, and broken up couples reunited, when Jay Leno transfers “The Tonight Show” torch to Conan O’Brien later this evening. Even as I write this article, kleenex in hand, I just can’t believe it’s finally over.

When Leno took “The Tonight Show” from Johnny Carson in 1992, I was only 12, but I knew the show had just been totally debased.  I say Leno took the show, because Carson would never have freely handed over an American icon to the “Doritos Chips” guy (it had to be a network decision). And it was the first of many, many things Leno would take. Ok, let’s just say it. Steal. The many things Jay Leno would steal. Jay’s a total thief. He’s stolen from everyone.

Leno’s “Jaywalking” and “Red Carpet Interviews” segments are direct rip offs of the Howard Stern show, and he’s already stolen so much from Conan, that he’s decided to just give him the show, rather than deal with the lawsuits.

Jay wasn’t always so lame, though. In the early 70’s he was actually a pretty funny stand up comedian, performing alongside Jerry Seinfeld and Richard Belzer at the Los Angeles IMPORV. He smoked a pipe, wore sweet plaid suits, and boned Sandra Bernhard (who claims he was totally filthy).

So how does a man go from hip to horrific? Money and time. $27 million a year and 20 years to switch political parties, deny all trysts, and go total straight-edge. But, in how many pictures do we see Jay smiling? Where’s Waldo?

Oh, let’s not focus on the negative. I’m so excited for Conan. I’ve loved him from the his beginning at NBC in 1993. He’s genuinely funny, innovative, and charismatic. “The Tonight Show” just may live again. Don’t F*CK this up O’Brien.

The Roots have been hired to be Jimmy Fallon’s new talk show house band. That is very bittersweet for me because I’m a fan of The Roots, and now they’ve just become a house band? I suppose it’s a steady gig, and they’ll still get to perform together for 15 seconds at a time as they play to bring on guests, but I feel like they’ve completely sold out.

To me, The Roots have always had the “real factor” going for them, and they’ve just mainstreamed themselves. My friends and I had a debate about this very situation last night and they’re comparing The Roots’ “houseband” situation to Max Weinbergs..but I think they have it all wrong. Max Weinberg hasn’t sold out because he’s simply playing a gig…you don’t see the whole E-street band as Conan’s house band (although that wouldn’t be such a bad idea). The Roots have simply given up in my eyes but at least I can say “I used to listen to them when…”