Dear Leno,
I know you’re busy with this late night drama, but I just want to remind you of what you said in 2004, since it seems you have forgotten this:

Status Update: Jess Levith is no longer on Facebook.
Facebook, you can eat it. You’ve proven to be even more toxic than Myspace. Sure, you guise yourself as the conservative, responsible, even MATURE social networking web site. One that my grandmother feels comfortable logging onto before her morning vitamins. But you are evil Facebook, and I must now bid you farewell. You and all of my 465 friends.
Too many quizzes.Too man ex-boyfriend-is-newly-engaged-announcements. Too many high school bullies that have made a 12-step amends to me and want me to forgive them …

This morning, PopBitch (via Gawker ) reported that a certain, unnamed 90s TV star would exclaim his famous catch-phrase during the climax of the Carnal Act. We at National Lampoon have taken it upon ourselves to reveal for you the possibilities, the probabilities, and the unfortunate impossibilities. Nostalgize, imagine, and throw up just a little bit in your mind:
1.    Jerry Seinfeld— After asking her “What’s the deal with all that crap on your face,” Jerry’ll probably need to give the girl a little morale booster, such as: “Not that there’s …

Sign Flippers: Officially known as human directionals, are active advertising campaigns. These men and women stand on corners, with cardboard or plastic arrows, promoting apartment complexes, cell-phone companies, and grand openings.
On Tuesday, May 26, at 3:35pm (PST), sign flipper Jared Jasper gravely miscalculated when he impaled a passerby with his arrow. ”I was just doing the normal vertical throw, ya know? And the arrow just slipped, I guess.”
Jasper’s arrow was a red Cingular Wireless ad, with a silver-plated tip. The sign, “fell” from Jasper’s hands, just as 45-year-old Thomas Garrison, a passerby …

Who the hell is Dave Cook?  Can’t be worse than that douchebag from My Best Friend’s Girl.

Guess What!? Celebrities Don’t Care About You!
 
The time has come people.  It’s time to stop obsessing over someone who, chances are, will never meet you, nor come to know you in a way that forces you to reevaluate your lifestyle decisions.  So, guys, pop open that can of Pringles.  Feel free to eat three personal pan pizzas in a day and polish it off with some Cheetos without brushing your teeth.  Cuz, chances are, Jessica Alba is out there macking on some other dude right now.
 
I recently went out in NYC on a …