Status Update: Jess Levith is no longer on Facebook.

Facebook, you can eat it. You’ve proven to be even more toxic than Myspace. Sure, you guise yourself as the conservative, responsible, even MATURE social networking web site. One that my grandmother feels comfortable logging onto before her morning vitamins. But you are evil Facebook, and I must now bid you farewell. You and all of my 465 friends.

Too many quizzes.Too man ex-boyfriend-is-newly-engaged-announcements. Too many high school bullies that have made a 12-step amends to me and want me to forgive them for hanging me over the second floor banister. -I hate you Facebook. You’ve wasted my life!

Sure, i’ve tried to quit before, and was soon lured back by a “Gary’s written something on your wall”, or a “Kathy’s commented on your picture”. -But, never again! No way Facebook. I just can’t do it. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me punch a pillow. You’ve… -Wait… Wait, hold on I’m getting a text… Colin Gregory just poked me? I haven’t spoken to Colin in ages! Maybe… -Maybe he wants to hang out? I should reactivate, just to check this one thing out…

This morning, PopBitch (via Gawker ) reported that a certain, unnamed 90s TV star would exclaim his famous catch-phrase during the climax of the Carnal Act. We at National Lampoon have taken it upon ourselves to reveal for you the possibilities, the probabilities, and the unfortunate impossibilities. Nostalgize, imagine, and throw up just a little bit in your mind:

1.    Jerry Seinfeld— After asking her “What’s the deal with all that crap on your face,” Jerry’ll probably need to give the girl a little morale booster, such as: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

2.    The Soup Nazi—Yelling “No soup for you!” just sounds a bit contradictory, given the circumstances.

3.    Steve Urkel—Confused at his own sexuality, Jaleel White demands a forthright answer: “Did I do that?”

4.    Joey Tribbiani—Joey, beneath all the obnoxious cliché character tropes, is just a caring dude, which is why after drowning his sexual partner, he asks politely, “How YOU doin?”

5.    Eric Matthews—Everyone’s third favorite Boy Meets World  brother probably breaks down, lamenting his real lost love: “Feeeeeeeeeeney!”

6.    Dan Castellaneta—“D’oh!” That was fast.

7.    The Dinosaurs—After a thoroughly eccentric night, we’re pretty sure anyone would fall for, “I’m the baby—gotta love me!”

8.    Uncle Jesse—Whoa there, buddy, “Have Mercy!” Rebecca Romijn, apparently, didn’t have any.

9.    Michelle Tanner—“Aaw, nuts!” indeed, MK&A. No need to be a sad sack, about it.

10.    The Baja Men—We hope that, no matter where they all are, they scream in Unison, “Who let the dogs out?!” Woof woof woof woof. (Ok, we know they’re not from a sitcom, but how could we not?)

11.    The Brain—After a long night with Pinky, we’re pretty sure anyone would feel up for taking over the world.

That’s all for now. If you’ve got any more suggestions, throw them in the comments.

Sign Flippers: Officially known as human directionals, are active advertising campaigns. These men and women stand on corners, with cardboard or plastic arrows, promoting apartment complexes, cell-phone companies, and grand openings.

On Tuesday, May 26, at 3:35pm (PST), sign flipper Jared Jasper gravely miscalculated when he impaled a passerby with his arrow. ”I was just doing the normal vertical throw, ya know? And the arrow just slipped, I guess.”

Jasper’s arrow was a red Cingular Wireless ad, with a silver-plated tip. The sign, “fell” from Jasper’s hands, just as 45-year-old Thomas Garrison, a passerby and local construction worker, was heard yelling out: “Look at that F*ggot flipper! Flip that sign you little B*tch!”

Witnesses say Jasper, who was on roller skates, then flung the arrow 10 feet into the air, before it spiraled downward, slicing Garrison through the abdomen. Garrison was rushed to a nearby hospital where doctors extracted the words “half off”.

Who the hell is Dave Cook?  Can’t be worse than that douchebag from My Best Friend’s Girl.

Guess What!? Celebrities Don’t Care About You!

The time has come people.  It’s time to stop obsessing over someone who, chances are, will never meet you, nor come to know you in a way that forces you to reevaluate your lifestyle decisions.  So, guys, pop open that can of Pringles.  Feel free to eat three personal pan pizzas in a day and polish it off with some Cheetos without brushing your teeth.  Cuz, chances are, Jessica Alba is out there macking on some other dude right now.

I recently went out in NYC on a girls’ night out (also known as every Friday of my life.  Just kidding, gentlemen.  Emoticon WINK! ) and met one of my friend’s friend, who we will now call Callie (to protect her anonymity and chance of ever actually meeting a future boyfriend).  Anyway, apparently before we all got together, earlier in the week, once my friend told Callie how I do stand-up comedy, she somehow got the idea that I must roll in the same crowd as her fixation du jour: SNL regular Andy Samberg.  Evidently, the two of them then had a five-hour-long conversation about Callie’s undying love for him.  (Five hours?!  Really!?  That’s, like, practically a whole day, right!?)  By the time Friday night rolled around she finally met me, it became clear that, in Callie’s deranged celebrity-crazed mind, Andy Samberg and I were somehow one and the same.

I barely had the chance to squeek out an introduction, before Callie was putting both hands on my shoulders with crazy, wild eyes, stretched open so far that they looked like they were about to leap off her face.  Yeah, within minutes of meeting this chick I’d never encountered before, she literally yelling (yes, YELLING) in my face, drawing me in, close to her body, about how she “MUST MEET ANDY SAMBERG. YOU’RE A COMEDIENNE.  Look, I NEED THIS.  Hook it uuuup!”  Umm, I’m sorry, but did I miss a memo?!  For the record, Andy Samberg and I have never met.  I don’t chill at his bachelor pad, smoke weed on his coach, or go sneaker shopping with him on the weekends.  As much as it may surprise you, we’ve never exchanged anecdotes about the blessings and burdens of being funny in such a crazy, mixed-up world, while wearing matching tweed jackets and blowing bubbles from Sherlock-Holmes-ian pipes in the park.  Nope, never met.

Before I could so much as take my coat off and pour a glass of wine, I was being bombarded with inane chatter about how this rando-chick (working in finance, by the way) is in love…LOVE…LOOOOOOOVE…with Andy Samberg.  “And, like, I just am obsessed with comedians. I’ve never gone to a comedy show here in the City.  Or anywhere else for that matter, but I know we would be peeeerrrfect!!!  Like, Icanbefunnytoooooo!!!  And I’mreallygoodatgivingfeedbackandknowingwhat’sfunny!!!”  Like, damn bitch, take a breath!  Before I even had time to Blackberry-Google ‘ways to ditch random stalkers,’ I knew way too much about this girl’s obsession.

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