Murder= My childhood crush on Zach Morris and my early 20’s crush on Jimmy Fallon. Suicide= Both Gosselaar and Fallon’s careers.

Jimmy Fallon had Mark-Paul Gosselaar on as “Zach Morris”, the character he played on the hit 90’s TV show “Saved By The Bell”. The only parallel I can muster up to describe this atrocity, is the sadness and hope I feel for our US economy. As with the economy, I’m just so sad that both Jimmy and Mark-Paul have fallen to such depths, and I truly hope, with the whole of my heart, that they have the capacity to recover from such a dark, empty place.

Fallon is elaborately planning to reunite the entire cast of “Saved By The Bell”, hoping to drudge up ratings from former teen fans. Unfortunately, if this reunion actually happens, I’m almost certain God will strike down the NBC studio killing everyone, even the already punished studio audience.

Zack Morris dropped that sham acting gig as Mark-Paul Gosselaar and went back to being himself last night on the Jimmy Fallon show. Why Zack would choose to announce this to that laugh-murdering, bore-hound Jimmy Fallon is beyond me, but it’s nice to see him drop that “I’m and adult!” act and do what he does best–give sneaky monologues to an invisible audience!

Apparently, Zack–with gigantic cell phone in tow–is aiming to get the “Saved By The Bell” gang back together for a reunion show. It is very rare that a reality show gets a reunion so long after its original airing, but I think it is welcome breath of fresh air. Viewers are tired of watching those shrill nerds on “The Big Bang Theory”, anyway!

With a “Saved By The Bell” reunion on the horizon, one’s mind wonders what happened to the rest of the “Bell” gang. Let’s take a short jaunt down memory lane and see what happened…

Samuel “Screech” Powers

While he gained some success as playing douche bag named Dustin Diamond on a lame drama called “Celebrity Fit Club”, Samuel has fallen off the radar as of late. Hopefully, he has also fallen into a very deep well and died. If the fall didn’t kill him, hopefully the C.H.U.D.s did. To be honest, Screech was annoying, and I could care less if he returns to the gang… even if it’s in a coffin.

Albert Clifford “A.C.” Slater

Young Albert moved on from Bayside High with great hopes. For a while, he kicked it as a bicycle cop on the mean beaches of Santa Monica. He then moved on to progressively lamer gigs, hitting the bottom of the barrel so hard that he ended up as a guest on Carlos Mencia’s show. He tried to resurrect his career by playing Mario Lopez on a dance-action show called “Dancing With The Stars”, but all that did was make people think that he’s gay. There are rumors that Albert has been begging his old high school chums for months to reunite for reality show greatness. It looks like his wish has been granted!

Lisa Turtle

Little princess Lisa had a tough time after graduating from Bayside High. For a while, she dated rich, older men in the hopes of entangling one in marriage and never having to work again. When her excuses got old and the rich old men got wise, Lisa had to hit the streets and get to work. She actually got some acting work as Lark Voorhies on the time-bending, science-fiction epic “Black To The Future” on VH1, but that didn’t last long. Lisa finally had to pack up her dreams and move to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where she currently works as a slushy technician for 7-11.

Jessica “Jessie” Myrtle Spano

Outside of Screech, Jessica had the worst go of it after graduating from the “reality” of “Saved By The Bell” to the real world. She became a prostitute under the alias “Elizabeth Berkley” (which is an anagram for “Bazilthee Klerbey”–coincidence?), and sold herself to the highest bidders–which always happened to be Joel Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven. Jessica tried to pick up the shattered pieces of her life and starred in dance-action comedy “Step It Up and Dance”–under her “Berkley” whore moniker–but that venture soon fizzled. Maybe a “Saved by the Bell” reunion could save Jessie’s life.

Kelly Kapowski

Oh, young, lovely Kelly! What happened to you? After enchanting many teenage boy’s hearts, Kelly moved on to head a variety of failed hot sauce companies–fifteen in all. Kelly never explaine why she loved hot sauce so much, but she apparently didn’t know how to market it. After going bankrupt for the fifth time, Kelly became a traitor to her Bayside buddies when she took a big paycheck to appear on competing reality show “Beverly Hills 90210″. With “90210″ long gone, and Kelly back to dire straits, how will her classmates greet her at a reunion–with hugs, or daggers?

Mr. Richard Belding

Mr. Belding took the ending of “Saved By The Bell” in perfect stride. He followed up his memorable gig as principal at Bayside High with many other, less memorable, principal jobs. From New Jersey to Delaware, Mr. Belding enacted his brand of principal-ing on eager students. At this very moment, Mr. Belding is said to disciplining a flagpole sitter at P.S. 119 in Dover, Delaware. When asked if he would be willing to visit a reunion of his old students, Mr. Belding was quoted as saying, “Sure, I guess I can take a few personal days, but why do those kids need a principal? Aren’t they all over 30 now? Move on kids!”

Zachary “Zack” Morris

And now back to the man with the plan–Zack Morris. After dying his golden locks with the hope of being taken seriously as an adult, Zack took on the persona of “Mark-Paul Gosselaar” (the most made-up sounding name, ever!) and tried to become an actor. After a string of failed lawyer shows (50!), Zack took up greasing overweight patrons out of waterslides at the Schiltterbahn Waterpark in New Braunfels, Texas. Realizing that he couldn’t spend his prime greasing up chubbins in Texas, Zack decided to ditch his “Mark-Paul” persona and get hit the gravy train. One can only hope he stays true to himself this time.

Wow, what a history! Brings back memories, doesn’t it? And since I so cleverly ended with Zack, let’s look at his performance on the soul-shattering Late Night With Jimmy Fallon:

It’s a 4 minute video of Jimmy Fallon getting laser eye surgery. I don’t know how else to explain it.

Something may be really wrong with me but I just can’t get enough of this. If there were a television channel dedicated to showing nothing but Jimmy Fallon getting eye surgery 24 hours a day — “The Jimmy Fallon Surgery Channel” — I would watch it. I dare say I would pay a reasonable subscription fee for such a service. I don’t know why, but yea, like the sirens of old, Jimmy Fallon’s mangled retina’s call to me. I can’t help but play this video again.

So the first of the online segments of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon went up and…well…that’s pretty much the end of the story. Nothing happened. He said that he’s the new host (which we knew) and that The Roots are the new house band (which is awesome, but we knew) and that’s it. What the hell? Maybe I was mistaken but I thought there were going to be jokes. That wasn’t supposed to sound sarcastic. I really thought there was going to be some type of a thing-one-could-watch. The whole thing ran like a minute and a half, which means there was a half a page of dialogue and another 45 seconds of Jimmy breaking character and laughing to himself.

OK. That might have been a little harsh. Read More

Jimmy Fallon’s new website just went live, and there is a tab where you can ask him questions, and he’ll hopefully answer them in his video blogs.  I know I have a few questions for him…

I’m curious to see what he’s made of…Right now I feel like that creepy audience member with my arms folded saying, “make me laugh”, but you know what? He does have a lot to prove in my book. We shall see!

Here is his new website, ask all the questions you want: http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/

The Roots have been hired to be Jimmy Fallon’s new talk show house band. That is very bittersweet for me because I’m a fan of The Roots, and now they’ve just become a house band? I suppose it’s a steady gig, and they’ll still get to perform together for 15 seconds at a time as they play to bring on guests, but I feel like they’ve completely sold out.

To me, The Roots have always had the “real factor” going for them, and they’ve just mainstreamed themselves. My friends and I had a debate about this very situation last night and they’re comparing The Roots’ “houseband” situation to Max Weinbergs..but I think they have it all wrong. Max Weinberg hasn’t sold out because he’s simply playing a gig…you don’t see the whole E-street band as Conan’s house band (although that wouldn’t be such a bad idea). The Roots have simply given up in my eyes but at least I can say “I used to listen to them when…”