When his homeboys from San Juan, Puerto Rico were looking for a lyrical genius to drop rhymes on top of their tight beats, Joaquin Phoenix was their go-to guy. With his mad skills and “straight from the hood” roots, Joaquin was a master of the rap game at an early age. He was ready to take the world by storm.

Unfortunately, there was no room for another white rapper with the likes of Vanilla Ice and later Eminem taking control of that niche market. Although he hated every second of it, …

As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, …

Last month, I experienced one of the darkest moments of my life. My roommate, whom I now hate, was being her usual inconsiderate self by inviting me to celebrating her birthday ON THE SAME EXACT NIGHT AS THE LOST FINALE. So I was sitting at our table at Saddle Ranch, enjoying some poorly executed mechanical bull riding when it dawned on me that a small but satisfying number of Lost’s compelling mysteries were being demystified and an annoyingly greater number were being created AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Tears were …

Wow.  Oscar nominee, Joaquin Phoenix, best known for his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, has turned himself into Ron Burgundy after getting fired, then tried rapping.

Everyone’s buggin’ over Joaquin Phoenix announcement that he will be retiring from acting (yep, he says he’s done) but the real story here is how E! Online reporter Jason Kennedy ‘thinks’ he’s cool enough with the two-time Oscar nominee to laugh in his face. The dude even chummily squeezes Joaquin’s shoulder as if they’re buds and Casey Affleck ain’t buyin’ any of it. But a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do and in Joaquin’s case, it’s making an exit.