As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, however, instantly feel cooler, look awesome smoking the four and a half packs of cigarettes necessary for the evening, and increase your chances of cheating on your wife.

Barack Obama:

Be America’s favorite current president for Halloween! Optional styles include: secret Muslim Obama, Messiah Obama, Socialist Obama, and Kenyan baby Obama.

This costume is not recommended if you are white. Except … is it still considered black face if Obama is half white? Cause technically, that means all the black people going as him are doing white face then. And that is extremely offensive to me.

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Last month, I experienced one of the darkest moments of my life. My roommate, whom I now hate, was being her usual inconsiderate self by inviting me to celebrating her birthday ON THE SAME EXACT NIGHT AS THE LOST FINALE. So I was sitting at our table at Saddle Ranch, enjoying some poorly executed mechanical bull riding when it dawned on me that a small but satisfying number of Lost’s compelling mysteries were being demystified and an annoyingly greater number were being created AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Tears were sort of streaming down my face as I returned home, quickly descending upon my computer and plumbing the depths of the internet’s most comprehensive BitTorrent sites for an opportunity to redeem myself.

I had hoped this forlorn disaster would never happen again, but yesterday I learned that because of my overwhelming obsession with Lost, I neglected to discover that the very week before, brave American men were fighting for our country’s honor at the World Beard and Mustache Championships in Anchorage, Alaska. IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK COSMIC JOKE? HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED TO ME??? Because the World Beard and Mustache Championships is a real competition that actually exists, kind of like the Olympics, where bearded wonders around globe engage in violent beard-to-beard combat, kind of like in the Olympics. You might presume that the winner of this prestigious contest would be a more hirsute nation like Germany, where both men and woman could ostensibly compete. NO—this year’s undisputed champion of facial hair was none other than BEARD TEAM USA.

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Wow.  Oscar nominee, Joaquin Phoenix, best known for his portrayal of Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, has turned himself into Ron Burgundy after getting fired, then tried rapping.

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Everyone’s buggin’ over Joaquin Phoenix announcement that he will be retiring from acting (yep, he says he’s done) but the real story here is how E! Online reporter Jason Kennedy ‘thinks’ he’s cool enough with the two-time Oscar nominee to laugh in his face. The dude even chummily squeezes Joaquin’s shoulder as if they’re buds and Casey Affleck ain’t buyin’ any of it. But a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do and in Joaquin’s case, it’s making an exit.