As National Lampoon’s chief junior fashion reporter, I am pleased to announce the top costumes for the 2009 Halloween season. Recommended here are the finest choices in costumes for the man that wants to show off his topicality.

Don Draper:

As season three of Mad Men winds down, any man can throw on a suit and a thin tie and become Don Draper. Except you’ll look nowhere near as good, probably can’t drink as much scotch as him, and will lack the ability to make women orgasm by glancing at them. You will, …

For an award show known for surprises (Madonna kissing Britney, Russell Brand claiming he molested at least one of the Jonas Brothers), the VMAs 2009 presented one more.
Kanye West, eternal five year old screaming for more attention, decided to get on stage and tell everyone how much he loved Beyonce’s music video. Only he decided the proper time was during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech.
 

MTV Shows

Kristen Stewart is rumored to have recently turned down her boyfriend’s proposal of marriage by saying she is too young to become a ‘Mrs’. Me-thinks this may be the smartest thing the flannel-clad angst machine has ever said. Too bad 21-year-old Kevin Jonas didn’t feel the same. After getting engaged to his girlfriend over the weekend, the eldest Jonas will now forever be known as “that floppy haired guy who’s dumber than that Twilight chick”. As it is, the odds are already stacked against marriage these days. Throw in a …

For those of us that enjoy a nice dose of comedy on lethargic Mondays, the Jonas Brothers have delivered us a nice package of guffaws via MTV. They claim that their new album will feature songs about ex-girlfriends. The album–entitled Lines, Vines and Trying Times–features a duet with Miley Cyrus and a heart-wrenching breakup song about Taylor Swift. In regards to fans getting an intimate look into their personal lives, young Joe says:

I think that will happen until we’re 60 years old.

Besides that fact that a mop with a Taylor …

As a concerned, God-fearing parent in the Mid-West, I am calling for the censorship of the Jonas Brothers. And it has nothing to do with Joe Jonas putting on a leotard and strutting his stuff to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”

But Joe Jonas has gone too far and admitted in an interview to once dealing drugs. Here’s his exact words: “when I was a really little kid, I tried to prank kids in my neighborhood by giving them mints, but they were actually medicine … that I found on the …

In what will no doubt cement their heterosexuality, the Jonas Brothers appear on the latest cover of “Good Housekeeping” magazine with their mother. Hmm… do I really need to write more?
To quote the article within, via EW:

“They are men. They have desires. They have testosterone.”

Thanks mom! I’m sure your three sons enjoy that great observation being printed in a magazine read by hundreds of thousands of women.
And now I leave you with video of one of the Jonas Brothers (the video says Joe) rocking a leotard. Straight as a razor …

Last week the Jonas Brothers performed on SNL….. I had never heard them before, and after watching them, I’ve concluded someone must be punking them. There is no way these guys are for real. I don’t mean to be harsh… but singing is not their strong suit. But some how, some where along the way, someone has convinced these kids they are rock stars, and they’re believing it!! I know it’s hard to really hear the sound of your own voice (which is why sometimes I speak in false setto …

The Jonas Brothers haven’t been clear for take-off in the zeitgeist of web bashery, with the exception of that one time one of them totally ate it on the AMA’s last year — remember? America collectively chuckled, then sobbed in empathy — but this video will more than justify the hope that they ever seize to exist on a musical stage forevermore.

If you’re brave enough, look for the Bros’ cover of John Mayer’s “Gravity” — putting it here would just make waterboarding look comfortable.

As we bid farewell to my youth, vim and vigor.
Shortly I will be taking my two children, aged 7 and 10 to the famed Roxy Theatre on the Sunset Strip. In a few humiliating hours I will become one of a handful of mothers who take their tweens to a fully interactive private concert with the Jonas Brothers.
I’d like to thank American Eagle for providing me them with this wonderful opportunity.
The mommy checklist includes:
Hair mascara for my grey roots
Mom Jeans
A minivan to valet park
Crocs (cuz, ya know my feet get …