Dear Leno,

I know you’re busy with this late night drama, but I just want to remind you of what you said in 2004, since it seems you have forgotten this:

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Jay Leno rules late night. He’s not the funniest. (or funny at all in my humble opinion) He’s not the brightest. His voice sounds like tribbles copulating in a gunny sack, and he’s weird-looking to boot. Yet somehow, he’s managed to oust both Letterman and O’Brien from the halls of NBC. How does he do it?

Old People.

You might think that Leno attracts old people because his humor is edgeless and about as subversive as an episode of Leave it to Beaver.  There’s more to it than that. It’s the way television has changed and old people have not.

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Conan O’Brien, master comedian of late night comedy whose shows have brought us such joys as The Masturbating Bear, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, In The Year 2000, and Twitter Tracker may very well lose The Tonight Show a mere 7 months after first sitting behind the epic desk.

For those of you who live under a rock or are Amish, NBC has cancelled Jay Leno’s insanely stupid primetime show at 10 p.m. and are moving him back to 11:30 for half an hour. Therefore, NBC wants to push Conan and The Tonight Show back to 12:05. Conan refused their offer in a statement, saying “The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show.” He then added, “I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.”

Today I was looking through my thousands of fan e-mails, most of which were about offers of free Viagra, and came a message asking where National Lampoon stands on the issue. After about half a second of consideration, I am officially putting us on Team Conan.

Conan is a Harvard educated, former writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons, whose red hair has brought smiles to millions. Jay is a fat, big chinned, idiotic asswipe who thinks reading newspaper typos is funny and who has destroyed NBC’s primetime line-up and will soon destroy their late night schedule as well.

And I’m not the only one with something to say. Below are all of the late night hosts and their responses to this ridiculous situation. David Letterman explains the entire situation between Conan and Jay “Big Jaw” Leno, Jimmy Kimmel did his ENTIRE SHOW as Jay Leno, Conan turns to Howie Mandel to try and see which option he should take, and Craig Ferguson rambles beautifully on how none of this affects him:

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Craig Ferguson, the best late night host on television, celebrated his 1000^th show. Now, if you’ve ever seen Craig and his seemingly improvised monologues and his tendency to show a young man in leather dancing, you should be surprised he made it past ten episodes. But The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson is a bonafide hit. He gets better ratings than Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel and now he’s made it to 1000 episodes.

Most hosts spend this monumental episode with famous movie star guests. Not Craig Ferguson. No, he did the entire show with puppets. I repeat, he did the entire show with puppets. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he is the greatest late night host on TV.

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Murder= My childhood crush on Zach Morris and my early 20’s crush on Jimmy Fallon. Suicide= Both Gosselaar and Fallon’s careers.

Jimmy Fallon had Mark-Paul Gosselaar on as “Zach Morris”, the character he played on the hit 90’s TV show “Saved By The Bell”. The only parallel I can muster up to describe this atrocity, is the sadness and hope I feel for our US economy. As with the economy, I’m just so sad that both Jimmy and Mark-Paul have fallen to such depths, and I truly hope, with the whole of my heart, that they have the capacity to recover from such a dark, empty place.

Fallon is elaborately planning to reunite the entire cast of “Saved By The Bell”, hoping to drudge up ratings from former teen fans. Unfortunately, if this reunion actually happens, I’m almost certain God will strike down the NBC studio killing everyone, even the already punished studio audience.

Conan O’Brien made his long awaited debut as the new host of the “Tonight Show” Monday night .  Then, in an unprecedented move, he  promptly turned around and told NBC Universal executives where they could shove it as he walked off the stage for the first and, apparently, last time. Read More