Not quite. But it would probably go something like this.

Paparazzi witnessed Lindsay Lohan (center) stumbling out of a Los Angeles area crack den this morning, covered in what appeared to be cocaine. When asked why she was covered in cocaine, an incoherent Lohan told concerned photographers that she was on her way to a movie set and the cocaine was part of the role.

“I’m late to a f—in’ movie or something!” Lohan said through fits of drooling. “This cocaine is the part! Now get out of my motherf—in’ way!”

The troubled “actress” then passed out in a pile of crackhead vomit.

This week the television show “Biography” launched its next installment in the series about Lindsay Lohan. Do we really need to see this? This episode of “Biography” is as relevant as the disco group the Village People.

Here’s an easy guide through this yawn-fest of a wash-up chronicle:

Lohan used to be a cute kid and became a promising actress. After she became a drunk she went to rehab and got better. Then she partied again and stayed out all night with other waste of capital party girls and finally went to another rehab center in Utah. Finally, back on her feet, she did a few other movies like “Georgia Rule” and “A Prairie Home Companion” before she fell back into her drug-alcohol-dance club mind set. Where she remains to this day.

Thumbs up Biography! Just like every “Behind the music” I’ve ever seen. Who cares about an actress/singer that’s partying up the town and wasting her god given talents? She’ll just end up like MC Hammer hosting her own reality show in a few decades anyway. Plus the girls of the next generation have Miley Cyrus to clog up their development arteries. No sense in having two actress/singers that only appeal to 9-14 year old girls.  Right?

So leave Lindsay Lohan in the past. She’s like Al Pacino now! Coasting on the fame of yesteryear just to make a few extra bucks here and there. Only difference is that his will last till the bitter end while her’s will run out just as soon as those wrinkle stake their clam on her face.

It is a commonly known phenomenon that celebrities die in threes. The following deaths all occurred within days of each other: Heath Ledger, Suzanne Pleshette, and Brad Renfro. John Ritter, Johnny Cash, and Warren Zevon. Johnny Cochran, Terri Shiavo, and Pope John Paul II.

With the devastating deaths of both Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett, there is only one thing on my mind. Who’s kicking the old bucket next?

Here are the odds given to me by my bookie. Before you say I have a problem, shut the hell up, and check out the following probabilities:

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Ryan Seacrest and LiLo are reportedly developing a reality television series together that will give contestants who have seriously and almost irreparably f*d up their lives a second chance and a shot at a million bucks. The first contestant will be Lindsay herself, followed by K-Fed, Speidi, Chris Brown, and Michael Richards. Lo-Crest intended the reality series to help normal folks, but then decided there were enough train wrecks amongst their own friends in Hollywood to keep the series going until the next ice age and opted for it to be a celebrity show instead. Can’t wait to see what contestants have to do to win the money and be declared “fixed” – stay sober until noon, maybe?

This photo of Lindsay Lohan riding a dragon was snapped by a surprised citizen of Southampton, England, on Monday night outside an unnamed club. No one is certain how she ended up on the dragon, but Lohan looked extremely incoherent and unaware of her surroundings. Early Tuesday morning, Lindsay was found asleep in a dumpster near her hotel with the dragon nowhere to be found.