Miley Cyrus recently broke up with her model boyfriend, Justin Gaston. And while all of America is saddened by this heartbreak, everyone should give a sigh of relief since Cyrus was fifteen when she started dating the twenty-year-old, and that’s just gross man.

The felonious relationship of America’s sweetheart to an underwear model seemed too good to be true. And by too good I mean, seriously dude, she’s fifteen years old. What the hell?

Not much is known about Justin Gaston, other than that he is a model who the website AZCentral describes as “[a] long haired hunk” and that he loves minors. Also, Cyrus says Gaston is good friends with her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, and is a good Christian.

With such an age difference, some questioned what Gaston saw in Cyrus, who is a child, not particularly beautiful, and worth over $50 million.

News of the breakup came from none other than the Twitter social networking site. Cyrus wrote: “My hear is in two … and it’s all because of you.” This message was reiterated on her father’s Twitter site, which read “But don’t break my heart … my achy breaky heart … I just don’t think he’d understand” – but sources say that might just be because Billy Ray Cyrus’s twitter account is a constant loop of the lyrics to Achy Breaky Heart in 140 character intervals.

Disney Corporation had no comment on the matter besides to say: “We’d love it if she could start dating Nick Jonas again. That would be a great cross promotion. But we wouldn’t force that or anything.”

In unrelated news, Miley Cyrus was seen on a date with Nick Jonas this past week. Nick Jonas is, of course, the adopted latino sibling of The Jonas Brothers. Cyrus and Jonas formerly dated when they were both 14, and according to a wikipedia, the two were very much in love.

With Cyrus and Gaston officially split, only time will tell how long until the long haired Christian underwear model appears on Howard Stern to reveal Cyrus’s sex secrets.

As a concerned, God-fearing parent in the Mid-West, I am calling for the censorship of the Jonas Brothers. And it has nothing to do with Joe Jonas putting on a leotard and strutting his stuff to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”

But Joe Jonas has gone too far and admitted in an interview to once dealing drugs. Here’s his exact words: “when I was a really little kid, I tried to prank kids in my neighborhood by giving them mints, but they were actually medicine … that I found on the ground. It was dangerous.” Here he is admitting to giving drugs to unsuspecting children, hoping to one day get them addicted and draw them in for a stronger addiction like coke or crack. 

Now normally, I love Disney and everything they stand for – pushing children to the brinks of drug use but never quite getting them there. How could you not like their morals and standards? Look at their past and present role models. Shia LaBeouf who’s madly in love with his own mother. He’d rather kiss her than make out with Megan Fox. Miley Cyrus who’s dating a model that’s way older than her. Britney Spears who’s a wonderful mother. So wonderful that her little sister decided she wanted to get started right away.

Disney was doing so well, until I learned about Joe Jonas’ dark past. I refuse to let Disney force me to be a parent to my children and teach them right from wrong – that’s what television is for. We all know what happens on T.V. is real. We all know that everything that a celebrity says is gospel.

I won’t let them taint my children. Several parents and I, plan to leave our children home alone for a month, maybe a year, fly to Los Angeles and hold Disney accountable for their actions. We will not be defeated.

Signed by Cool Righteous And Proud Parents!

Miley Cyrus is making her best decision yet as she jumps into the clothes designing arena with Wal-Mart. This seems kind of silly, since a 16-year-old girl with the voice of an elderly smoker may not know a whole lot about clothes design. If we delve deeper, however, Wal-Mart is making a smart move with this. Most of their clothes are badly designed by Chinese children already, so they can’t do any worse by having a teenage celebrity–who doesn’t know her ear from a bolt of fabric–design some cheap clothes.

To quote Miley via E! Online:

“I love creating looks that are all about personal expression and individuality… Collaborating with Max Azria has been an amazing experience, and I’m really excited about launching this line with Wal-Mart. There’s even more to come!”

There’s even more to come? Wow! Yeah, wanting everyone to dress like an adolescent Stevie Nicks is the way to foster individuality. Oh, wait, she’s also collaborating with veteran designer, Max Azria? So Max will be creating “the looks that are all about personal expression and individuality” and then stamp her name on them? I might have to rethink this whole scheme. Adolescent girls will be dressing like a middle-aged guy’s concept of hip? Let those Chinese kids out of their cages, post-haste! There is work to be done!

Miley Cyrus went on Ellen and wow, what the hell? She may legitimately be possessed. I mean it. I’m really concerned. This plays out like the next installment of The Ring, or some 1950’s B movie where space aliens wear disguises to look like people. Check it out.

Miley didn’t die, someone just hacked her youtube account. Where’s Debbie Downer when you need her?

watch?v=GxYUX_DcCk8

It’s the biggest tragedy since Will Ferrell died in that hang gliding accident.