Look, I get it.  No, really, I do.  You like vampires.  A lot.  You like books about vampires and movies about vampires and this reaches a level of almost painful perfection when your favorite vampire book is made into a vampire movie.  I don’t want to drive a stake through the heart of your fetish but I have to be honest – I just don’t get it.  I mean I get why you scream for Robert Pattinson.  I think that’s a pretty self-explanatory situation - everyone, their mom and probably even grandma would like to take a bite out of that.  What I don’t get is why in the last few years, it’s become all about vampires.  Books, TV shows like HBO’s Tru Blood and now Twilight?

I first noticed it in the romance novel section (judge all you want, we both know you’ve read them) and I thought why not, I’ll try one.  But I didn’t get all hot and bothered when reading about the difficulties of having a relationship with a vampire.  It’s hard enough dealing with living dudes – who has the time and energy to figure out the nuances involved with dating the undead.  Now I find out that apparently these Stephanie Meyer books are a big deal and everywhere I go, someone’s carrying one and working hard to convert me to the darkside.  Let me save you the effort – if I could withstand questionable allure of The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, I’m certainly not going to break over a little bloodsucking.

It was while I was defending my anti-vampire stance that I realized that it comes down to something very simple – either you’re a fan of magic and the supernatural or you’re not.  As a kid, I remember loving alien and ghost stuff although magic never did it for me.  In fact, I think every kid believes that their teacher is an alien or that that howling isn’t just the wind.   It would be weird if they didn’t.  But at some point, it didn’t hold my attention anymore – real life, or as it’s depicted in books and movies, became more interesting than the fantastic activities of the imaginary.  The truth is that in some ways, I’m jealous of the of the screaming fans – their ability to hold on to the famous English class “willing suspension of disbelief” has outlasted childhood and probably makes being an adult much easier.  How great it must be to imagine that anything can really happen, at any time.

But empathy is as far as I’m willing to go.  Sure, if Robert Pattinson wanted to give me a private screening, I’d manage to somehow sit through it.  But for all of you who keep trying to get me to read it, see it, be one with it, I have just two words for you and I know you’re going to love them: bite me.

1. All leading male characters who are white must be jazz fans
2. All scientific inventions were, in part, created by a random accident
3. Women always find men more attractive when the men have the mind of their son transplanted into their heads.
4. Whenever the lead character is harassed by a gang of toughs, one tough off to the corner must sport a Mohawk hair-do
5. By laws in place during the 80’s, one black guy must walk by with a ghetto blaster held up to his ear (roller skates optional)
6. All troubled youths, teens, and young adults must befriend a corporate-sponsored alien, robot or mutant.
7. Rock and Roll far outweighs all other things in life including food, water, shelter, love, the time-space continuum and getting your diploma/degree. Even if that Rock n’ Roll is Van Halen, Megadeth or Reo Speedwagon.
8. Someone named Corey must cause trouble.
9. Whenever a group of kids come together to solve a mystery, find a treasure or fight off monsters one of those kids must be fat. (Asian inventor optional)
10. Time machines can be made out of cars, telephone booths or other household items. Also, spaceships.

In honor of Twilight opening this weekend, we compiled a top 10 list of the Hottest Vampire Babes of all time…

Let’s face it, Vampires are the new black.

10. Kristen Bauer as Pam - True Blood

9. The Brides of Dracula - Van Helsing

8. Charlotte Ayanna as Tatiana - The Insatiable

7. Sadie Frost as Lucy - Bram Stoker’s Dracula

6. Jeri Ryan as Valerie Sharpe - Dracula 2000

5. Aaliyah as Queen Akasha - Queen of The Damned

4. Lauren Hutton as Countess - Once Bitten

3. Leonor Varela as Nyssa - Blade II

2. Kate Beckinsale as Selene - Underworld

1. Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium - Dusk Till Dawn

This past week Natasha and I went on a search for one original screenplay idea in Los Angeles since everything seems to be a remake. Lampoon’s Sandy Danto thought he had the answers…not so much.

The Skinny Ep.6 - “Desperately Seeking Originality”

On the Zaz. Guess why? Cuz’ Zach and Miri opens today!

Copycat orgasms were fairly common among pastrami fans before When Harry Met Sally opened in theaters but it wasn’t until Rob Reiner’s mother Estelle told her waiter “I’ll having what she’s having” did the practice really take hold.

Estelle Reiner was an actor, jazz singer and activist. She died at her home in Beverly Hills.

Next year marks the 20th anniversary of When Harry Met Sally. Do you care? If so, more memorable events of 1989 await you on the other side (as does that famous scene from inside Katz’s Deli… that is if you haven’t already seen it for the gazillionth time).

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