The Weather Channel has announced that it will start showing movies. That’s right, movies. I thought it was bad enough when MTV stopped playing music or when Cartoon Network started showing live action or when BET had a white person on, but this is pretty awful.

When do you watch The Weather Channel? Either right before leaving the house to decide whether to wear a jacket, or in the case of an emergency and you want to know if you are going to die from a tornado or hurricane. Which is why I look forward to turning to The Weather Channel in a moment of desperation to find Deep Blue Sea playing.

The films chosen are supposedly weather-centric (such as The Perfect Storm) but some of their choices are a bit harder to pin down, such as March of the Penguins and Misery, which I suppose both feature weather in that they both occurred on the planet earth. I just pray that they begin airing Step Up 2 The Streets, since the dramatic final showdown is in the rain.

But let’s be serious. People have been pleading for years for The Weather Channel to begin showing movies. It’s not like you can watch them on any other channel. So, dammit, they are finally giving the people what they want: highly censored B-movies.

Additionally, The Weather Channel has promised to continue their weather updates every ten minutes. Which means the terrible movies will be interrupted every ten minutes. I imagine that would be quite disruptive when I’m trying to enjoy the acting abilities of Christian Slater in Hard Rain.

The Weather Channel was recently purchased by NBC Universal - the kings of good decision making. NBC Universal’s history of wise decisions include canceling Southland, greenlighting Joey, and putting Jay Leno on the air in primetime every day of the mother fucking week. So, their leadership is clearly leading The Weather Channel in the right direction.

Mark McLeod is a 53 year-old man from Georgia who is a HUGE fan of Miley Cyrus .  He believes they are “great friends” and says that he “will f*cking be with Miley.”  He has sent her two rings worth $2000 and claims she sends him “secret messages” through her show.  Also, he has “thousands of pictures and letters to Miley on his computer.”  All of these details are very shocking but there is one thing about Mark McLeod that is not shocking at all: his appearance.

McLeod was arrested for disorderly conduct near a shooting for Cyrus’s film, The Last Song .  In his mugshot, he embodies every stereotype a creepy obsessive fan of an underage girl should.  He has:

1. Wild eyes.

2. Messy disheveled hair. Read More

Judd Apatow ’s latest film, Funny People , starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan is sure to be another successful blend of comedy and drama that unfunny people will be quoting throughout the next three years. The film releases nationwide July 31st, so if you ever had any yearning to perform a stand up comedy routine, I suggest you do it before then.  Nothing is more sad, more embarrassing, more pathetic than the guy who starts a hobby right after a mainstream film is released on the subject.

If you don’t get to an open mic before this film comes out, you’ll be like the guy who bought a snare drum and joined the school band after watching Drumline .  Or the guy who bought a Honda Civic and started to add aftermarket parts after seeing The Fast and the Furious .  Or the guy who took up archaeology and got his PhD after seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark .  Or the guy who started playing poker and dealing from the bottom of the deck after seeing Rounders .  Or the guy who started freestyle rapping and wearing beanies after seeing 8 Mile .  Or the guy who bought a motorcycle and started doing drugs after seeing Easy Rider .  Or the guy who took a dance class and gathered a crew of his friends after watching Stomp the Yard .  Or the guy who started hacking computers and wearing trench coats after seeing The Matrix .  Or the guy who joined the Navy and bought aviator sunglasses after seeing Top Gun .  Or the guy who started working out and taking karate lessons after watching Never Back Down. Or the guy who started trading stocks and acting like a dick after watching Wall Street .  Or the guy who bought a surfboard and started to deliver lines with no emotion after seeing Point Break .  Or the guy who started doing steroids and neglecting his daughter after watching The Wrestler .  Or the guy who started hunting deer with his friends, went to Vietnam, hooked up with his friend’s girlfriend, started playing Russian roulette, and became disenchanted with life after watching The Deer Hunter .

I hear American History X is a great film, but I’m not going to go watch it until I see American History I through American History IX .

Anyone who grew up watching Nickelodeon in the 90s knows that Keenan Thompson is a no talent hack.  Perhaps that’s a little harsh, but I was very disappointed the day that I saw Keenan added to the Saturday Night Live cast.  Sure he can do some good impressions, but for years he stood beside a far superior sketch comic who never received the recognition he deserved.  He was cooler.  He was wackier.  He was funnier.  He was better looking.

I’m talking of course about Kel Mitchell .  Kel’s career began on the children’s sketch comedy show All That .  It was here that he teamed up with Keenan Thompson to form one of the greatest duos in the history of children’s entertainment.  They went on to do a fantastic spin off show titled Keenan & Kel .  Also, they made a film titled Good Burger that has become a cult classic.  Keenan was always the regular, no nonsense guy while Kel was the crazy, off the wall guy.  Kel’s character loved orange soda.  His soft drink centered parody of Singing in the Rain was absolutely superb.  Tragically, the team ended up parting ways and Kel has been unable to break out ever since.

But things are about to change:

This is the trailer for the straight to DVD film See Dick Run .  The film was released last week and though I have not seen it, I give it my highest recommendation.  The premise is this: a womanizer is visited by a succubus who steals his penis. Read More

The world is still reeling from 2008’s dizzyingly bad Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull .  Dedicated fans were quick to trash the fourth installment of the franchise and they continue to do so even today.

Here’s my problem though: I have heard several people make the case that aliens do not belong in an Indiana Jones movie and that their inclusion in the plot is what ruined the film.  This is a silly statement to make when there are so many other factors that ruined the film.  What about scene with the refrigerator and the test bombing? Read More