It has been reported that Ryan Seacrest and Lindsay Lohan had a long night out on Thursday that only ended around 6:00am.  This doesn’t necessarily mean anything happened or that the two are a couple, but just in case, I am going to use this opportunity to patent a celebrity couple nickname.

Here are the options:

1. Sea-han: It’s short, blends the two names evenly.  Notice that Seacrest still has top billing in the nickname because, let’s face it, Lohan isn’t pulling in what she used to.  You can pick your own I Know Who Killed Me joke (I don’t Know anyone who saw this movie, all I Know is that the movie Killed her career, etc).

2. Ryan-han: A little repetitive, but still has a good ring to it.

3. Lo-Crest: Kind of brings to mind that Seacrest, who probably has LoveSacs full of money sitting at home, is stooping a little bit low in his dating choice.

4. Sea-say: Almost like the Spanish phrase Si se Puede , but without a trace of ethnicity. Read More

George Lucas, hard at work on the next Indiana Jones installment, promises the newest entry will be more disappointing, and contain more childhood ruining.

Shia LeBeouf and producer Frank Marshall both confirmed recently that Lucas, Steven Spielberg, and Harrison Ford are all keen to return.

“The last one was a great disappointment to the fans, and yet it made over $700 million worldwide,” said Lucas in an interview earlier today. “I take that to mean that people want more moments of sheer why is this happening?”

After the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, some fans questioned the wordy title, Indy surviving a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator, aliens showing up at the end, and Shia LeBeouf swinging with monkeys. But Lucas promises this next one will go even further.

“After years of people following the adventures of Indiana Jones, it’s easy to assume that they want Shia LeBeouf’s Mutt to be the main character. In addition, a real fan favorite, Short Round from Temple of Doom, will return. And I was thinking an entirely computer generated character with a Mexican accent.”

Lucas recently described his working process as this: “I review the past films. I watch the original classics, then remove the DVDs, squat over them, and take a shit. I did the exact same thing with Star Wars, and that turned out to be very lucrative.”

After a sure to be boffo run in theaters, Lucas plans to release all five Indiana Jones movies in a five disc, Blu-Ray DVD Special Edition set. The Special Editions of the previous Indy films will include changes such as in the classic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, when Indiana casually shoots the swordsman in the street, now the swordsman will shoot first.

“Also I was thinking of changing all the guns to walkie talkies,” said director Steven Spielberg in a recent interview. “But my complete lack of focus is now on Indiana 5. During the filming of the last one, I was literally asleep like half the time. I actually made it with my eyes closed.”

I swooped in on the red-carpet premiere of the new film by Sam Mendes (written by David Eggers) to do some investigative journalism. In the hopes of scooping some big scoops, as it were, National Lampoon’s The Zaz Report digs deep into the coffers of journalistic integrity and prowess to unfold yet another page of the great book of celebrity interviewing. Scoops obtained here include: the truth of the universe, John Krasinski’s top 5 movies, Jeff Daniels was not considered for Uncle Joey, Jim Gaffigan uses his voice a lot, John Hodgman carries a murse, and Kate Winslet does not stop on red-carpets for me. Some great footage here people. Please enjoy. Also, Away We Go, from what we’ve heard, is a solid movie.

In 2007, I began seeing trailers for a movie called Transformers .  I thought to myself, “Certainly they can’t be making a live action film based on a popular series of children’s action figures.”  But I was wrong.  The hype began to build and all around me, close friends were getting caught up in the excitement.  Though they had never mentioned the franchise prior to 2007, they began to reveal that they were huge fans of the Transformers toys, the Transformers comic books, the Transformers animated television show, and the original Transformers animated film.  Everyone was pumped for the film’s release except for me.

When I watched the trailers for Transformers , I saw a summer blockbuster with merchandising potential.  It resembled the dozen or so big budget superhero movies that had come out in the summers leading up to 2007.  In the back of my mind, I was hoping that Transformers would be an art house film about a robot coming to terms with his failures, fighting his drug addiction, and allowing himself to love.  The trailers assured me that this was not going to happen.

The film came out and everyone seemed very pleased with it.  My friends were happy about the various action sequences.  My fellow film nerds were mesmerized by the clean visual effects.  A close relative of mine, who shall remain nameless, said it was the greatest movie he had ever seen.  I decided I would rent the film on DVD.

A few months later, I rented Transformers and watched it with my close relative, who shall remain nameless.  In the spirit of giving credit where credit is due, I must say that the sound design and visual effects were very well done.  Action was intense and the CGI looked good.  However, whenever characters would speak, I would hear unimaginably embarrassing trash.  There are lame, one-line jokes used to end scenes.  There are lame, super-serious comments made about life and the fate of the world.   There are lame, charmingly inadequate attempts to speak to girls or authority figures.  Half the film is so corny, it makes me cringe thinking about it.  I looked over to my close relative, who shall remain nameless.  He admitted to me that when he originally saw the film, he was on drugs.

Here are a few of the most painful lines:

1. SAM WITWICKY- “Here’s the dream: your B-, (poof!), dream gone.  Sir, just ask yourself: what would Jesus do?”

2.  JAZZ- “You want a piece of me?”  MEGATRON- “No, I want TWO pieces!” (Megatron rips Jazz in half).

3. CAPTAIN LENNOX- “Listen to me, you’re a soldier now!”

4. SAM WITWICKY- “In fifty years when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in that car?”

Shia LeBeouf does not do well as the quirky white teenager trying to save the world and get the girl at the same time.  Many believe that LeBeouf is “the next Tom Hanks.”  I can’t see that being true, only because as far as I know, Tom Hanks was never an annoying little bitch. Read More

In a city that eats and breaths the motion picture business, the obvious social norm is to be informed. Informed about the studios, informed about celebrities and informed about the newest purchases. However, if you stopped any Los Angeles resident and asked them whether or not they knew “The Soloist” was out in theaters, they would probably furrow their brow in confusion.

Surprise, surprise! “The Soloist” has been out all along with a release date that was set on April 24^th. Still interested in the depressing drama portraying the struggle of a talented homeless man? Of course you aren’t. I recall almost a year ago today when I was still watching trailers and posters peppered throughout my local theater. At the time I could have been quoted as saying “this looks pretty interesting!” However, fed up with being strung along coupled with the constant depressing recession news has giving me, and apparently a larger American audience, a strong aversion to this film.

“The Soloist” would have barely missed the downturn of interest in drama if it had been released so long ago. But unfortunately, American’s aren’t interested in watching a mirror image of the economic hardships that they are about to face. In a film climate of waning interest and ever-rising inflation, it’s going to be even harder to entice audiences to that epic drama studio have been planning. Will the now elusive drama ever make a come back? Of course it will, just like Jane Austen movies will always be boring and painful for men to watch. However, now isn’t the time to let your viewership leave the theater feeling like committing suicide. “The Soloist,” unfortunately, has become the shinning poster-boy for this. Just like in real estate its “location, location, location.” The film industry is “release date, release date, release date.”

If you knew Mariah Carey had a new film out you’re either Mariah Carey herself, her mother, the editor of mariahdaily.com, or the dentist “producer” kicking himself for ponying up the cash to get the movie in the can. Box office returns for opening weekend of MiMi’s new film Tennessee averaged $667 per screen (it opened in only 15 theaters). Here are a few things that made more money than the film:

The lemonade stand I had when I was 8

Glitter

Foxy Boxing night down at Joe’s Bar and Bait Shop

Grandma Esther’s church bazaar kissing booth

eBay member “hotrodmama’s” slightly used and oddly stained wedding dress

the Sigma Chi house’s beer can recycling project

Lucy’s Vitameatavegamin campaign