Nothing to see here. Move along, move along.

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

NBC inspired poetry.

Good job NBC. You killed another locally shot scripted series. But not after relegating it to Friday nights when no one watches tv anyway. I’ve taken the liberty to write an homage to Southland, one of the only decent dramas NBC had:

Oh my gosh, Southland.
Way too gritty for primetime.
Dateline is cheaper.

Jeff Zucker is so smart.
The one thing viewer’s want more
of is Jay Leno.

Southland would have stayed
if it were reality.
Broadcast tv, RIP.

Trauma has choppers!
Southland had lots of silence.
We like fire more.

Biggest Loser, Do
You Think You Can Dance, Surviv-
or, Whats on F/X?

NBC can not
get it right. They should bring back
Seinfeld and good shows.

I’m too lazy to
find another format, so
Haikus will do, bitch.

Comcast Reportedly Wants To Buy NBC; Also Reportedly High

“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ben Silverman to Heavan on a Chariot: The Biblical Version 1-13

1.    And it came to pass, when ZUCKER would take up Silverman from NBC by a whirlwind, that Silverman went with Gaspin from GE Co.
2.    And Silverman said unto Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to Hollywood. And Gaspin said unto him, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they went down to Hollywood.
3.    And the sons of the gossip rags that were at Hollywood came forth to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head to day? And he said, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
4.    And Silverman said unto him, Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And he said, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they came to 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
5.    And the sons of the NBC shareholders that were at 30 Rockefeller Plaza came to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head today? And he answered, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
6.    And Silverman took his peacock-monogrammed bathrobe, and wrapped it together, and smote the waters of fourth place, and they were divided hither and thither, so that they two went over on dry ground.
7.    And it came to pass, when they were gone over, that Silverman said unto Gaspin, Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee. And Gaspin said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy creative, not entrepreneurial nor vivacious party-time-with-Ryan-Seacrest spirit be upon me.
8.    And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Silverman went up by a whirlwind into InterActiveCorp.
9.    And Gaspin saw it, and he cried, My co-chairman, my co-chairman, the chariot of quality-albeit-last-placed-programming, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more: and he took hold of his own peacock pin, and tried very hard to rend it in two pieces, but could not, for the peacock pin is small and stalwart.
10.    He took up also the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Bur.
11.    And he took the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and smote the waters, and said, Where is ZUCKER, Lord of Silverman? and when he also had smitten the waters, they parted hither and thither: and Gaspin went over.
12.    And when the sons of the shareholders which were to view at 30 Rockefeller Plaza saw him, they said, the spirit of Silverman doth rest on Gaspin. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him.
13.    And they knelt, and prayed that he would not give them more failures such as Knight Rider, My Own Worst Enemy, Kath & Kim, Lipstick Jungle, Crusoe, Kings, The Philanthropist, American Gladiators, America’s Toughest Jobs, Phenomenon, The Chopping Block, Superstars of Dance, Amne$ia, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, Momma’s Boys, Howie Do It, The Listener, Rosie Live!, and Merlin. Amen.

Should NBC Be Charged With Crimes Against Humanity?

Fed up with NBC’s primetime lineup, Norway (yes, the whole country) has declared war on “The Wanted” by calling it superficial. The country has a beef with the show portraying it as welcoming and open to all terrorists who want to flee the grasp of justice. Norway would like the American populace (who doesn’t know where Norway is) to know that they are trying their best to expel or extradite known terrorist fugitives… and that the makers of “The Wanted” are doo-doo heads.

I applaud Norway (still the whole country) for bringing NBC’s criminal behavior to the forefront. As someone who has suffered through most their lineup when the cable is out, I not only agree with Norway’s assessment of superficiality, but I don’t think they go far enough. There is much more that could be done to stop the menace that NBC poses to the world.

Read the rest of this entry »

Isn’t everything having to do with Heidi torture?

Heidi Montag is claiming NBC tortured her on the set of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” According to her claim, the producers tortured her and husband Spencer Pratt by making them spend the night alone together in a hut used for “solitary confinement” while the rest of the cast slept outside in the pouring jungle rain. She further claims that the producers held her on set against her will by insisting she fulfill her contract. That she signed. Of her own free will.

Oh the poor dear, she must have been so scared! All alone in a room with a bed and her husband! It’s all just so shocking and unthinkable. And what were those producers thinking by insisting she live up to her contract? Have they learned nothing from America’s shame at Guantanamo? This is not a fascist state, people!

Heidi contacted the non-profit group WHIPP! (We Hate Inhumane Punishment of People) to seek counseling after her ordeal, and they hooked her up with a torture buddy, a woman who has also undergone great physical and psychological torture at the hands of evil saddists. Heidi and her torture buddy, Ling Min, a 52-year-old woman who was held at the Khmer Rouge prison camps in Cambodia for 38 months, got together recently to have coffee and commiserate about their experiences. Here’s a transcript of their conversation:

LM: The bad men put me in a dark room.

Heidi: Oh my God, me too! The lighting in there was so IKEA 1992.

LM: With a strange man in a hood

Heidi: Same here! Well, he was my husband. And he wasn’t wearing a hood – it was more like khakis. But he was strange and scary all the same.

LM: And they ordered me to strip.

Heidi: Oh, well – at this point they kind of left us alone for the night, but Spencer did ask if I would take my clothes off. Of course I said no. It’s the jungle and there are bugs everywhere that could get into my crevices. Hello!

LM: When I was naked, they took canes to my body.

Heidi: I’ve never heard it called a cane before. That’s creative - you should write for Penthouse. Anyway, ok, so he tried to take his “cane” to my body, but I already told you how that went down. I made him make me a wine spritzer and rub my feet instead.  He could only find pinot grigio.  Tor-ture!

LM: Then, when I collapsed from the pain, they tied me to a board.

Heidi: Girl, you’re kinky. I’ll let Spence put a scarf around my eyes sometimes, but if anyone’s getting tied down it’s him. I don’t like to chafe.

LM: They poured water onto my face. It went into my nostrils and into my mouth and made me gag.

Heidi: I have a horrible gag reflex too – it helps if you just relax the throat muscles and think of something else, like puppies. You know what, this sounds like that scene in Autumn Born where Dorothy Stratten’s kidnapper ties her to the bed and shampoos her. Spencer loves that scene - he’s always trying to get me to re-create it with him. He’s so weird sometimes.

LM: And I couldn’t breathe.  I swore I was about to die.

Heidi: I know what you mean.  When they took away my makeup I thought I was going to die too.  I mean, how can a newlywed be expected to let her husband see her without her eyelashes?

LM: And then they left me there for I don’t know how long – I think it was a week, without food or clothing, defecating on myself and praying for the end.

Heidi: Well now that’s a little melodramatic. What movie did you steal that from – Misery? Why are you trying to out torture me? Are you trying to steal my spot on the Today Show? Cuz’ Meredith V. is gonna’ hear my story no matter how sensationalist you try to get – the world needs to know how badly NBC treated me. Have you seen their craft service table? It’s abysmal.  I mean, they don’t even stock beef jerky. Ok?

LM: When I was finally reunited with my family, I had lost 72 pounds, 6 teeth, had two broken limbs, could no longer see from my left eye, and couldn’t recognize my baby sister because she’d grown so much in the time I’d been gone.  But I was finally free.  Oh, free.

Heidi: Bitch, you lost 72 pounds and you’re complaining?!?! Sign me up.  That’s like the best day spa I’ve ever heard of. And at least you got your sister back.  I had to trade them mine before they’d let me off that God forsaken island paradise.  Who knows when I’m gonna’ see that little money grubber again.  That’s it, I want a new torture buddy.  And you’re paying for the coffee!

Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

Good job NBC. You killed another locally shot scripted series. But not after relegating it to Friday nights when no one watches tv anyway. I’ve taken the liberty to write an homage to Southland, one of the only decent dramas NBC had:

Oh my gosh, Southland.
Way too gritty for primetime.
Dateline is cheaper.

Jeff Zucker is so smart.
The one thing viewer’s want more
of is Jay Leno.

Southland would have stayed
if it were reality.
Broadcast tv, RIP.

Trauma has choppers!
Southland had lots of silence.
We like fire more.

Biggest Loser, Do
You Think You Can Dance, Surviv-
or, Whats on F/X?

NBC can not
get it right. They should bring back
Seinfeld and good shows.

I’m too lazy to
find another format, so
Haikus will do, bitch.

“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

Read the rest of this entry »

1.    And it came to pass, when ZUCKER would take up Silverman from NBC by a whirlwind, that Silverman went with Gaspin from GE Co.
2.    And Silverman said unto Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to Hollywood. And Gaspin said unto him, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they went down to Hollywood.
3.    And the sons of the gossip rags that were at Hollywood came forth to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head to day? And he said, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
4.    And Silverman said unto him, Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And he said, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they came to 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
5.    And the sons of the NBC shareholders that were at 30 Rockefeller Plaza came to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head today? And he answered, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
6.    And Silverman took his peacock-monogrammed bathrobe, and wrapped it together, and smote the waters of fourth place, and they were divided hither and thither, so that they two went over on dry ground.
7.    And it came to pass, when they were gone over, that Silverman said unto Gaspin, Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee. And Gaspin said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy creative, not entrepreneurial nor vivacious party-time-with-Ryan-Seacrest spirit be upon me.
8.    And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Silverman went up by a whirlwind into InterActiveCorp.
9.    And Gaspin saw it, and he cried, My co-chairman, my co-chairman, the chariot of quality-albeit-last-placed-programming, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more: and he took hold of his own peacock pin, and tried very hard to rend it in two pieces, but could not, for the peacock pin is small and stalwart.
10.    He took up also the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Bur.
11.    And he took the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and smote the waters, and said, Where is ZUCKER, Lord of Silverman? and when he also had smitten the waters, they parted hither and thither: and Gaspin went over.
12.    And when the sons of the shareholders which were to view at 30 Rockefeller Plaza saw him, they said, the spirit of Silverman doth rest on Gaspin. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him.
13.    And they knelt, and prayed that he would not give them more failures such as Knight Rider, My Own Worst Enemy, Kath & Kim, Lipstick Jungle, Crusoe, Kings, The Philanthropist, American Gladiators, America’s Toughest Jobs, Phenomenon, The Chopping Block, Superstars of Dance, Amne$ia, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, Momma’s Boys, Howie Do It, The Listener, Rosie Live!, and Merlin. Amen.

Fed up with NBC’s primetime lineup, Norway (yes, the whole country) has declared war on “The Wanted” by calling it superficial. The country has a beef with the show portraying it as welcoming and open to all terrorists who want to flee the grasp of justice. Norway would like the American populace (who doesn’t know where Norway is) to know that they are trying their best to expel or extradite known terrorist fugitives… and that the makers of “The Wanted” are doo-doo heads.

I applaud Norway (still the whole country) for bringing NBC’s criminal behavior to the forefront. As someone who has suffered through most their lineup when the cable is out, I not only agree with Norway’s assessment of superficiality, but I don’t think they go far enough. There is much more that could be done to stop the menace that NBC poses to the world.

Read the rest of this entry »

Heidi Montag is claiming NBC tortured her on the set of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” According to her claim, the producers tortured her and husband Spencer Pratt by making them spend the night alone together in a hut used for “solitary confinement” while the rest of the cast slept outside in the pouring jungle rain. She further claims that the producers held her on set against her will by insisting she fulfill her contract. That she signed. Of her own free will.

Oh the poor dear, she must have been so scared! All alone in a room with a bed and her husband! It’s all just so shocking and unthinkable. And what were those producers thinking by insisting she live up to her contract? Have they learned nothing from America’s shame at Guantanamo? This is not a fascist state, people!

Heidi contacted the non-profit group WHIPP! (We Hate Inhumane Punishment of People) to seek counseling after her ordeal, and they hooked her up with a torture buddy, a woman who has also undergone great physical and psychological torture at the hands of evil saddists. Heidi and her torture buddy, Ling Min, a 52-year-old woman who was held at the Khmer Rouge prison camps in Cambodia for 38 months, got together recently to have coffee and commiserate about their experiences. Here’s a transcript of their conversation:

LM: The bad men put me in a dark room.

Heidi: Oh my God, me too! The lighting in there was so IKEA 1992.

LM: With a strange man in a hood

Heidi: Same here! Well, he was my husband. And he wasn’t wearing a hood – it was more like khakis. But he was strange and scary all the same.

LM: And they ordered me to strip.

Heidi: Oh, well – at this point they kind of left us alone for the night, but Spencer did ask if I would take my clothes off. Of course I said no. It’s the jungle and there are bugs everywhere that could get into my crevices. Hello!

LM: When I was naked, they took canes to my body.

Heidi: I’ve never heard it called a cane before. That’s creative - you should write for Penthouse. Anyway, ok, so he tried to take his “cane” to my body, but I already told you how that went down. I made him make me a wine spritzer and rub my feet instead.  He could only find pinot grigio.  Tor-ture!

LM: Then, when I collapsed from the pain, they tied me to a board.

Heidi: Girl, you’re kinky. I’ll let Spence put a scarf around my eyes sometimes, but if anyone’s getting tied down it’s him. I don’t like to chafe.

LM: They poured water onto my face. It went into my nostrils and into my mouth and made me gag.

Heidi: I have a horrible gag reflex too – it helps if you just relax the throat muscles and think of something else, like puppies. You know what, this sounds like that scene in Autumn Born where Dorothy Stratten’s kidnapper ties her to the bed and shampoos her. Spencer loves that scene - he’s always trying to get me to re-create it with him. He’s so weird sometimes.

LM: And I couldn’t breathe.  I swore I was about to die.

Heidi: I know what you mean.  When they took away my makeup I thought I was going to die too.  I mean, how can a newlywed be expected to let her husband see her without her eyelashes?

LM: And then they left me there for I don’t know how long – I think it was a week, without food or clothing, defecating on myself and praying for the end.

Heidi: Well now that’s a little melodramatic. What movie did you steal that from – Misery? Why are you trying to out torture me? Are you trying to steal my spot on the Today Show? Cuz’ Meredith V. is gonna’ hear my story no matter how sensationalist you try to get – the world needs to know how badly NBC treated me. Have you seen their craft service table? It’s abysmal.  I mean, they don’t even stock beef jerky. Ok?

LM: When I was finally reunited with my family, I had lost 72 pounds, 6 teeth, had two broken limbs, could no longer see from my left eye, and couldn’t recognize my baby sister because she’d grown so much in the time I’d been gone.  But I was finally free.  Oh, free.

Heidi: Bitch, you lost 72 pounds and you’re complaining?!?! Sign me up.  That’s like the best day spa I’ve ever heard of. And at least you got your sister back.  I had to trade them mine before they’d let me off that God forsaken island paradise.  Who knows when I’m gonna’ see that little money grubber again.  That’s it, I want a new torture buddy.  And you’re paying for the coffee!