Dear Leno,

I know you’re busy with this late night drama, but I just want to remind you of what you said in 2004, since it seems you have forgotten this:

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Conan O’Brien, master comedian of late night comedy whose shows have brought us such joys as The Masturbating Bear, Triumph The Insult Comic Dog, In The Year 2000, and Twitter Tracker may very well lose The Tonight Show a mere 7 months after first sitting behind the epic desk.

For those of you who live under a rock or are Amish, NBC has cancelled Jay Leno’s insanely stupid primetime show at 10 p.m. and are moving him back to 11:30 for half an hour. Therefore, NBC wants to push Conan and The Tonight Show back to 12:05. Conan refused their offer in a statement, saying “The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show.” He then added, “I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.”

Today I was looking through my thousands of fan e-mails, most of which were about offers of free Viagra, and came a message asking where National Lampoon stands on the issue. After about half a second of consideration, I am officially putting us on Team Conan.

Conan is a Harvard educated, former writer for Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons, whose red hair has brought smiles to millions. Jay is a fat, big chinned, idiotic asswipe who thinks reading newspaper typos is funny and who has destroyed NBC’s primetime line-up and will soon destroy their late night schedule as well.

And I’m not the only one with something to say. Below are all of the late night hosts and their responses to this ridiculous situation. David Letterman explains the entire situation between Conan and Jay “Big Jaw” Leno, Jimmy Kimmel did his ENTIRE SHOW as Jay Leno, Conan turns to Howie Mandel to try and see which option he should take, and Craig Ferguson rambles beautifully on how none of this affects him:

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Sometimes, you just have to accept these things as the truth.

Good job NBC. You killed another locally shot scripted series. But not after relegating it to Friday nights when no one watches tv anyway. I’ve taken the liberty to write an homage to Southland, one of the only decent dramas NBC had:

Oh my gosh, Southland.
Way too gritty for primetime.
Dateline is cheaper.

Jeff Zucker is so smart.
The one thing viewer’s want more
of is Jay Leno.

Southland would have stayed
if it were reality.
Broadcast tv, RIP.

Trauma has choppers!
Southland had lots of silence.
We like fire more.

Biggest Loser, Do
You Think You Can Dance, Surviv-
or, Whats on F/X?

NBC can not
get it right. They should bring back
Seinfeld and good shows.

I’m too lazy to
find another format, so
Haikus will do, bitch.

“Ha! You’re going to buy NBC? Oh, right, like you got 4 million dollars just lying around…” – Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Industry rumors state that Comcast is in talks to buy NBC Universal from General Electric. NBC is the number four network, which recently fired its president, and decided Jay Leno should be in prime time five times a week. Universal Pictures is the company that proudly released Land of the Lost and Love Happens.

Comcast reportedly wants to buy NBC Universal for $35 billion.

That sound you just heard is GE popping the cork on some champagne, ecstatic to unload NBC, the corporation that brought you this summer’s latest monstrosity, I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here. GE is having a Caligula style orgy in celebration of losing NBC, the network that had a hit, Heroes, only to let it become one of television’s lowest rated shows a meer three years later. GE has creamed its shorts for the opportunity to say goodbye to the company responsible for Jay Leno in prime time five nights a week.

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1.    And it came to pass, when ZUCKER would take up Silverman from NBC by a whirlwind, that Silverman went with Gaspin from GE Co.
2.    And Silverman said unto Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to Hollywood. And Gaspin said unto him, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they went down to Hollywood.
3.    And the sons of the gossip rags that were at Hollywood came forth to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head to day? And he said, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
4.    And Silverman said unto him, Gaspin, tarry here, I pray thee; for ZUCKER hath sent me to 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And he said, As ZUCKER liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they came to 30 Rockefeller Plaza.
5.    And the sons of the NBC shareholders that were at 30 Rockefeller Plaza came to Gaspin, and said unto him, Knowest thou that ZUCKER will take away thy co-chairman from thy head today? And he answered, Yea, I know it; hold ye your peace.
6.    And Silverman took his peacock-monogrammed bathrobe, and wrapped it together, and smote the waters of fourth place, and they were divided hither and thither, so that they two went over on dry ground.
7.    And it came to pass, when they were gone over, that Silverman said unto Gaspin, Ask what I shall do for thee, before I be taken away from thee. And Gaspin said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy creative, not entrepreneurial nor vivacious party-time-with-Ryan-Seacrest spirit be upon me.
8.    And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Silverman went up by a whirlwind into InterActiveCorp.
9.    And Gaspin saw it, and he cried, My co-chairman, my co-chairman, the chariot of quality-albeit-last-placed-programming, and the horsemen thereof. And he saw him no more: and he took hold of his own peacock pin, and tried very hard to rend it in two pieces, but could not, for the peacock pin is small and stalwart.
10.    He took up also the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and went back, and stood by the bank of Bur.
11.    And he took the peacock-monogrammed bathrobe of Silverman that fell from him, and smote the waters, and said, Where is ZUCKER, Lord of Silverman? and when he also had smitten the waters, they parted hither and thither: and Gaspin went over.
12.    And when the sons of the shareholders which were to view at 30 Rockefeller Plaza saw him, they said, the spirit of Silverman doth rest on Gaspin. And they came to meet him, and bowed themselves to the ground before him.
13.    And they knelt, and prayed that he would not give them more failures such as Knight Rider, My Own Worst Enemy, Kath & Kim, Lipstick Jungle, Crusoe, Kings, The Philanthropist, American Gladiators, America’s Toughest Jobs, Phenomenon, The Chopping Block, Superstars of Dance, Amne$ia, My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad, Momma’s Boys, Howie Do It, The Listener, Rosie Live!, and Merlin. Amen.