Star of I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here before he fake quit twice and actually quit a third time (although sources say that may be fake too - seriously?), Spencer Pratt sat across from me. Only in certain light could you see the blonde pubic hairs that grow from his face. Otherwise, his beard is camouflaged as the same color as his skin.

SPENCER: Let’s get this over with.

THANE: Yeah. OK. So you quit I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here.

SPENCER: It was devaluing my fame.

THANE: You have a curious definition of fame.

SPENCER: Thank you. I appreciate that.

THANE: You’re welcome. I recently wrote an article about how much you love weed.

SPENCER: This interview is over. I quit.

Spencer walks out.

I wait in my chair for fifteen minutes before he returns. He smells like weed.

SPENCER: Are you going to start again or what? I’m too rich and too famous to sit around here all day. You are devaluing my fame.

THANE: So the celebrities on the show made fun of Heidi for her hair products.

SPENCER: How dare you insult my wife! I will f*cking kill you! This interview is over.

Spencer jumped to his feet and hit a water bottle out of my hand. As he left, he was yelling and making aggressive noises that I would rather not try and spell out onomatopoeically. I waited for half an hour, and he returned.

SPENCER: I would like to pray with you.

THANE: Let’s not.

SPENCER: I was recently baptized by Stephen Baldwin. That makes me one with God. Let’s pray that you don’t go to hell for insulting my wife.

THANE: That’s very kind of you. So, Lou Diamond Phillips…

SPENCER: I quit, God dammit!

Spencer again storms out. I just went ahead and left the room. I’m not sure if he returned. He probably did.

Did you guys watch Conan last night?  What did you think?  Not his best, but not his worst…The show seemed like Late Night on steroids, but in a good way…

Here’s the cold open in case you missed it:

This upcoming sitcom from NBC really touched a nerve for me. Growing up in an urban, all black school, my own life was turned around when a unconventional teacher came in and taught us that learning is fun and that rap is just another form of poetry. Just like Dangerous Minds or Freedom Writers or Stand and Deliver or Lean on Me or To Sir, With Love or Blackboard Jungle or High School High.

When an inspiring teacher enters students’ lives, it has an effect like no other. Like Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society. So inspiring, one of his students killed himself.

And I’m not being funny people when I say this sitcom made me weep. I pray it does the same for you.

(click to watch after the jump)

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Happy Mother’s Day to all the Zaz Moms out there!

Here’s Motherlover:

Hickory Dickory Dock, Celebrity Apprentice was sucking my….Ah yes, it’s the return of Andrew Dice Clay.  He’s making a come back on Celebrity Apprentice.  I doubt he’ll be the focal point of embarrassment since there are about 8 bigger trainwrecks on the show–tied in with 7 “normal” people.

Here is the new cast of Celebrity Apprentice (starting March 1st on NBC):
Clint Black (country music singer)
Khloe Kardashian (of PETA…hahahahahaha)
Brande Roderick (Baywatch)
Scott Hamilton (figure skater)
Brian McKnight (singer)
Tom Green (comedian)
Herschel Walker (football great)
Annie Duke (poker champ)
Natalie Gulbis (golfer)
Claudia Jordan (Deal or No Deal)
Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins (the “T” in TLC)
Joan and Melissa Rivers
Jesse James (Monster Garage)
Andrew Dice Clay
Dennis Rodman
Claudia Jordan (model)

Hilarious. The phrase you are looking for is “shoe-sassination attempt.”