Fed up with NBC’s primetime lineup, Norway (yes, the whole country) has declared war on “The Wanted” by calling it superficial. The country has a beef with the show portraying it as welcoming and open to all terrorists who want to flee the grasp of justice. Norway would like the American populace (who doesn’t know where Norway is) to know that they are trying their best to expel or extradite known terrorist fugitives… and that the makers of “The Wanted” are doo-doo heads.

I applaud Norway (still the whole country) for bringing NBC’s criminal behavior to the forefront. As someone who has suffered through most their lineup when the cable is out, I not only agree with Norway’s assessment of superficiality, but I don’t think they go far enough. There is much more that could be done to stop the menace that NBC poses to the world.

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Heidi Montag is claiming NBC tortured her on the set of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” According to her claim, the producers tortured her and husband Spencer Pratt by making them spend the night alone together in a hut used for “solitary confinement” while the rest of the cast slept outside in the pouring jungle rain. She further claims that the producers held her on set against her will by insisting she fulfill her contract. That she signed. Of her own free will.

Oh the poor dear, she must have been so scared! All alone in a room with a bed and her husband! It’s all just so shocking and unthinkable. And what were those producers thinking by insisting she live up to her contract? Have they learned nothing from America’s shame at Guantanamo? This is not a fascist state, people!

Heidi contacted the non-profit group WHIPP! (We Hate Inhumane Punishment of People) to seek counseling after her ordeal, and they hooked her up with a torture buddy, a woman who has also undergone great physical and psychological torture at the hands of evil saddists. Heidi and her torture buddy, Ling Min, a 52-year-old woman who was held at the Khmer Rouge prison camps in Cambodia for 38 months, got together recently to have coffee and commiserate about their experiences. Here’s a transcript of their conversation:

LM: The bad men put me in a dark room.

Heidi: Oh my God, me too! The lighting in there was so IKEA 1992.

LM: With a strange man in a hood

Heidi: Same here! Well, he was my husband. And he wasn’t wearing a hood – it was more like khakis. But he was strange and scary all the same.

LM: And they ordered me to strip.

Heidi: Oh, well – at this point they kind of left us alone for the night, but Spencer did ask if I would take my clothes off. Of course I said no. It’s the jungle and there are bugs everywhere that could get into my crevices. Hello!

LM: When I was naked, they took canes to my body.

Heidi: I’ve never heard it called a cane before. That’s creative - you should write for Penthouse. Anyway, ok, so he tried to take his “cane” to my body, but I already told you how that went down. I made him make me a wine spritzer and rub my feet instead.  He could only find pinot grigio.  Tor-ture!

LM: Then, when I collapsed from the pain, they tied me to a board.

Heidi: Girl, you’re kinky. I’ll let Spence put a scarf around my eyes sometimes, but if anyone’s getting tied down it’s him. I don’t like to chafe.

LM: They poured water onto my face. It went into my nostrils and into my mouth and made me gag.

Heidi: I have a horrible gag reflex too – it helps if you just relax the throat muscles and think of something else, like puppies. You know what, this sounds like that scene in Autumn Born where Dorothy Stratten’s kidnapper ties her to the bed and shampoos her. Spencer loves that scene - he’s always trying to get me to re-create it with him. He’s so weird sometimes.

LM: And I couldn’t breathe.  I swore I was about to die.

Heidi: I know what you mean.  When they took away my makeup I thought I was going to die too.  I mean, how can a newlywed be expected to let her husband see her without her eyelashes?

LM: And then they left me there for I don’t know how long – I think it was a week, without food or clothing, defecating on myself and praying for the end.

Heidi: Well now that’s a little melodramatic. What movie did you steal that from – Misery? Why are you trying to out torture me? Are you trying to steal my spot on the Today Show? Cuz’ Meredith V. is gonna’ hear my story no matter how sensationalist you try to get – the world needs to know how badly NBC treated me. Have you seen their craft service table? It’s abysmal.  I mean, they don’t even stock beef jerky. Ok?

LM: When I was finally reunited with my family, I had lost 72 pounds, 6 teeth, had two broken limbs, could no longer see from my left eye, and couldn’t recognize my baby sister because she’d grown so much in the time I’d been gone.  But I was finally free.  Oh, free.

Heidi: Bitch, you lost 72 pounds and you’re complaining?!?! Sign me up.  That’s like the best day spa I’ve ever heard of. And at least you got your sister back.  I had to trade them mine before they’d let me off that God forsaken island paradise.  Who knows when I’m gonna’ see that little money grubber again.  That’s it, I want a new torture buddy.  And you’re paying for the coffee!

Star of I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here before he fake quit twice and actually quit a third time (although sources say that may be fake too - seriously?), Spencer Pratt sat across from me. Only in certain light could you see the blonde pubic hairs that grow from his face. Otherwise, his beard is camouflaged as the same color as his skin.

SPENCER: Let’s get this over with.

THANE: Yeah. OK. So you quit I’m A Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here.

SPENCER: It was devaluing my fame.

THANE: You have a curious definition of fame.

SPENCER: Thank you. I appreciate that.

THANE: You’re welcome. I recently wrote an article about how much you love weed.

SPENCER: This interview is over. I quit.

Spencer walks out.

I wait in my chair for fifteen minutes before he returns. He smells like weed.

SPENCER: Are you going to start again or what? I’m too rich and too famous to sit around here all day. You are devaluing my fame.

THANE: So the celebrities on the show made fun of Heidi for her hair products.

SPENCER: How dare you insult my wife! I will f*cking kill you! This interview is over.

Spencer jumped to his feet and hit a water bottle out of my hand. As he left, he was yelling and making aggressive noises that I would rather not try and spell out onomatopoeically. I waited for half an hour, and he returned.

SPENCER: I would like to pray with you.

THANE: Let’s not.

SPENCER: I was recently baptized by Stephen Baldwin. That makes me one with God. Let’s pray that you don’t go to hell for insulting my wife.

THANE: That’s very kind of you. So, Lou Diamond Phillips…

SPENCER: I quit, God dammit!

Spencer again storms out. I just went ahead and left the room. I’m not sure if he returned. He probably did.

Did you guys watch Conan last night?  What did you think?  Not his best, but not his worst…The show seemed like Late Night on steroids, but in a good way…

Here’s the cold open in case you missed it:

This upcoming sitcom from NBC really touched a nerve for me. Growing up in an urban, all black school, my own life was turned around when a unconventional teacher came in and taught us that learning is fun and that rap is just another form of poetry. Just like Dangerous Minds or Freedom Writers or Stand and Deliver or Lean on Me or To Sir, With Love or Blackboard Jungle or High School High.

When an inspiring teacher enters students’ lives, it has an effect like no other. Like Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society. So inspiring, one of his students killed himself.

And I’m not being funny people when I say this sitcom made me weep. I pray it does the same for you.

(click to watch after the jump)

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Happy Mother’s Day to all the Zaz Moms out there!

Here’s Motherlover: