The books have sold in the millions… mainly to half of the population.  The movies have truly resonated… with half the population.  This cultural phenomenon has swept over the nation in a crazed wave… with half of the population.  “The Twilight Saga”.   The story is a vampire falling in love with a plain girl and then she becomes torn between the vampire and a werewolf and so they fight over her.  And while it sounds like Monster Squad 2, guys have stayed away.  Twilight the movie took in $191 million and New Moon currently has raked in $231 million in only two weeks.  Two weeks!  New Moon could have been the most successful movie of all time, beating out Titanic.  But they failed to appeal to both sides of the aisle.  Of that $231 million, $229 million were directly attributable to females or males going with the hopes of making females happy.  While The Dark Knight continued to grow after week 1, New Moon took a sharp dive in its second weekend because guys couldn’t go to work on Monday and say, “I saw that vampire movie this weekend and it was awesome.”

Being the dedicated reporter I am, I went deep under cover and took in Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon and figure out why a film that matches vampires against werewolves doesn’t resonate with the male population. After viewing both films in consecutive days, I think there are some easy things we can do to make these films more palatable for guys, yet still maintaining the integrity of the love story that the females are so digging.  We, as guys, should not have to groan and moan at seeing a movie where vampires fight werewolves.  I mean, come on.  We gave you chicks James Cameron, our testosterone legend, to make Titanic.  The dude made Aliens and we just gave him to you to make a Leonardo DiCaprio love story with a Celine Dion theme song.  There’s no coming back from that.  He’s yours now.  Even if Avatar is amazing, he’s never coming back to us.  The least could meet us half way on Twilight.  So here now are 10 easy suggestions for making The Twilight Saga more guy friendly.

(After the break):

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(Re-posting in honor of New Moon coming out today)

Robert Pattinson creeps me the hell out. I haven’t even seen his vampire movie. All I know him as is the kid who died in the Goblet of Fire and the guy who takes creepy photos. Look at the above picture. There’s something very, very wrong about him. He has Ivan Drago’s chin, hair you see on your average homeless man and dead eyes. Cold, dead eyes.

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Since the moment Summit Entertainment announced its plans to make New Moon, its much anticipated sequel to Twilight, the company has been under pressure from millions of moms and tweens who are desperate to absorb every new bit of sexy, lucrative minutiae. In April, Summit whetted our appetites with news that Robert Pattinson’s character would feature more prominently in the film than he did in the book (natch). Later, at the MTV Movie Awards, we were permitted a fleeting look at Taylor Lautner’s imposing lupine avatar. Now, for the first time in like a week, Summit Entertainment has released a BRAND NEW FEATURETTE telling us everything we ever wanted to know about New Moon.

For example, one thing we learn about New Moon is that “New Moon is a lot more complicated than Twilight was.” SHIT. If Matrix Revolutions is any indication, complication is the LAST thing you want in a sequel. “Cookies need love like everything does.” –Agent Smith. I mean, Twilight is already complicated enough as it is, at times even heartbreaking-ly confusing. Case in point: this particularly profound exchange:

Billy

Any luck with the Waylon case?

Charlie

(darkening)

Found a footprint out at the crime scene today. A bear human footprint.

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The Twilight franchise is sinking its teeth into every possible marketing outlet, causing Twi-tards around the world to bleed money. It all started with the books, then came the perfume, and of course there’s the absolutely necessary Twilight cruise. But now they can add Barbie Dolls to the list. Coming to toy stores this October are miniature Edward Cullen and Bella Swan Barbies, just in time for the release of ‘New Moon’. For $34.99 each, you can spend countless hours playing out the Twilight movie in your own home!

With Edward you will get:

-Minature fangs, sharp enough to pierce your skin (band-aids not included)

-A blood transfusion kit, to keep your Edward nourished

-A miniature 1901 birth certificate

-SPF 150 (Skin actually turns red and smokes when exposed to sun!)

-Vampiroids, to keep his super-vampire strength at it’s best

-A miniature book “Sleeping: For Vampires”

-Bed Head, to maintain those perfectly imperfect tresses of hair

Sold Seperately:

-A miniature Volve S60 R

-A Aston Martin V12 Vanquish

-Piano

-Coffin

-Bella

I’d go into details about the Bella doll, but no one cares about her. Edward is the one everyone wants. Besides, we all know that whoever buys this doll will take it home and immediately strip him of all his clothes.  What’s next, an Edward Cullen blow up doll?

In the still, reflective hours after the Season 2 premiere of HBO’s True Blood, many ravenous fans are turning to the blogosphere in order to battle out the eternal question: which vampire franchise is awesomest? It could very well be True Blood, last summer’s hit series about the legalization of vampires in America. Or it could be the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter novels, which explored the same topic some ten years earlier. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s Twilight, which does need an explanation. If you’ve never heard of Twilight, you’ve probably never heard of the internet, either.

The contenders: Twilight, True Blood, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter

If you are a teenage girl, a middle-aged mom with repressed sexual fantasies or simply a disinterested passenger on a plane who has been forced to listen to teenage girls and middle-aged moms talk about vampires—then we can help. The following is a list of the four requisite qualities of vampire franchises, and how these series stack up against them.

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